So angry that I feel numb.

Very angry today. Today, all the things he has done are running through my head and I am PISSED. I am not texting him with my anger like I usually do. Maybe because it has finally occurred to me that it doesn't really matter anymore. I once had a friend ask me why I stayed with him and I said I was waiting for him to apologize.. To say " I am sorry for hurting you, I love you, I am going to spend the rest of my life making it up you." I am so angry! Angry at myself for allowing him to treat me like he did. For letting him tell me I was a piece of dirt and deserved nothing but dirt thrown in my face, for mumbling to himself that he could treat me any way he wanted and I would put up with it.. For him giving the earrings I picked out for my birthday to his mother.. On my birthday! For getting mad when I told him I was not going to be available while I took care if my mom when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. For convincing his family I am nuts after I threw him out because of his drinking. I think for me .. What I wanted most was a sincere apology. I realize now I will never get one.. I think I just might hate him for that.