Snotty, jealous remarks

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#1 Apr 20 - 8PM
TygerTyger
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Snotty, jealous remarks

My last post about being jealous of someone's style prompted me to make another observation about N's and ask for other people's input on a related subject.

The envy factor for this guy was out of this world. As a musician, he'd bitch about other people getting more requests for autographs, getting more attention, etc. It was weird to listen to such out in the open flat out jealousy and insecurity.

One of the things he liked about me was that I am a professional artist (and beleive me, he tried to put that to good use until I threw it all back at him) but on the other hand, he is deeply resentful of people that have "made it" professionally.

That brings me to this:

Just a couple weeks ago I mentioned it was going to be 20 years I've been in my particular industry, and his reply was curt/snotty as if I was showing off. "Well that's good for you" he replied, enough to make me say "I didnt mean it like that." ....defending the fact that I really was only saying it to make conversation.

Then he immediately went on to tell me that he's been in his cover band for 20 years too.

Wow..now that I think about it...he acted like a competitive girlfriend in high school or something. It really floored me how just under the surface his disgust really is..actually interpreting my comment about my work into something that was "showing off." Nothing could be further from the truth, I was just sharing something cool.

Well, most other people would think it was cool. He just simmered, and tried to measure up.

May 3 - 9AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

very jealous of me too

He was very jealous of me too....I didn't get it until the end. I remember he couldn't stand that he thought I was more popular with people and friends but I'm just nice to everybody so that's maybe why it seemed like that. I got more attention them him and he would say all snotty and twisted..."lots of people love me too you know" or he'd do something to try and make me jealous or hurt me. If someone he knew were down on there luck or feeling a bit low it gave him a thrill and he would gloat whereas I would always try to help or cheer someone up...because that's what nice people do....If you want a friend be a friend. There are so many more examples of his jealousy of others and me and it truly was like a teenage girlfriend in spiteful competition.
May 3 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
Susan32
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Jealousy, the green-eyed monster

Same here. My ex-N couldn't stand my friends (and they despised him) He thought they were too "weird." Early on, I'd tell him to stop insulting my friends and family... but then I loosened the leash. As vegetarian, he'd gloat about meat eaters coming down with mad cow disease.
May 1 - 9PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Pathological envy

A friend of mine noted early on that my soon to be ex-N (the friend called this ex-N the Devil) was jealous of my happiness, and that I was smarter than him. It's true. My ex-N liked asking me difficult philosophical questions (he was a self-proclaimed Wittgenstein expert, but lacking Wittgenstein's talent, empathy, emotion, humanity) but when I asked him difficult ones... it left him with his little beret impotent. He didn't mind philosophical give-and-take with young men... but a young woman smarter than him, he couldn't abide. He confided in me that he was writing a book about Wittgenstein. So, naturally, I bragged to my friends. He got angry, interrogated my friends, and badmouthed me behind my back. And that's how it started. It was a weird reaction for everyone. He didn't like me saying nice things about him either... which was strange. He looked daggers at me when a woman said I had been "singing his praises." Ironically, I've been more published than him in the past decade. He's got 3 articles in obscure philosophical journals that nobody reads. I've been in magazines and newspapers. As Alanis Morrissette would say,"Isn't it ironic? Doncha think?"
May 1 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
neveragain5
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A little tooooo ironic, oh

A little tooooo ironic, oh yeah, I really do think...:) They don't like happy. Happy pisses them off. They are also paranoid and they think that everybody is like them. Maybe he thought that you were talking badly and everybody was laughing about it. Who knows?
May 1 - 10PM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

He ALWAYS drubbed himself

He always talked about how dumb he was, how people didn't like him, how people thought he was mean, constant self-belittling (that eventually wormed its way to me) He was the master of the self-fulfilling prophecy. "Happy pisses them off"-He'd routinely ask me "Why are you always happy?" Yeah, now that I'm happy alone probably pisses him off. An "oh,I miss you sooo much, I miss your wisdom, your big dark eyes like abysses, your cute lil' beret, your tight butt" would be appeasing him. And something he doesn't need. What's funny is that back in the day, I was deemed *SPECIAL* because I was one of the rare people who had seen him smile and laugh. I was treated as if I had seen the Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, the Crystal Skulls, AND Atlantis simultaneously. I'm friends with some of my ex-N's friends, so they know about my writing career. C'mon, Beret Boy, SMILE for once! You look cute when you do it!
May 2 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
better off
better off's picture

I know you think that he

I know you think that he said those things about himself because he's "an inverted narcissist." But it's because that's how they get you to tell them how awesome they are.
May 2 - 8PM (Reply to #16)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Wittgenstein expert, where is that damn book?

Yeah, I fell.... hook, line, and stinker. I should've noticed that is own COLLEAGUES-his age-mates and social equals--were avoiding him like rotting fish. I noticed he had few friends among his colleagues, which says something. If he's got contempt for his colleagues, not just his inferiors, that's a problem. He once ignored a fellow prof who made the BIG MISTAKE of not calling him by his surname. This was a middle-aged professor getting ignored by a much younger colleague for "not behaving properly."
Apr 22 - 11AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the game of one up........

from day one...i was in competition with the psychonarc...but only HE knew it.....everything was an endless game of one up.....any success i ever had enraged him....anything GOOD in my life, he acted like it had been stolen directly from him....it was a never ending game...one i didn't even realize we were playing until it was too late.....i was his ADVERSARY...his OPPONENT...and he was out to beat me at the game......destroy me.......and he did.....
Apr 20 - 11PM
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Yep, everything is a

Yep, everything is a competition! I had never experienced that before. He used to make snooty remarks about me and I thought it was so weird. "Ohhhh, look at your eyebrows, they are sooo perfect". He said it with a level of disdain.
May 2 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

pathological competitiveness

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/01/15/narcissism-pathological-competitiveness ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 2 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Where are the colleagues?

My ex-N was in academia, and his colleagues seemed to avoid him like the plague. One of them used the euphemism "different." Now I KNOW why...
Apr 20 - 10PM
angela0714
angela0714's picture

Soooo very typical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are all jealous of everyone who accomplishes anything. NARC'S always take what you say out of context and act as if you're trying to steal the limelight. No one in their right mind interprets things the way they do. Mine would always bring the topic(no matter what it was) back to himself and engage in hours of talk about his level of intelligence and how great he was. It was so utterly nauseating and everyone around him listened out of politeness. In reality, he was a guy with tremendous IQ but no EQ. He never really accomplished much career wise or personally because he couln't see anyone but himself. All I can say, is that my experience had dozens of episodes like the one you mentioned. He saw anything I or anyone else said as bragging. Bottom line--when you aren't talking about his highness...then nothing is ok.
Apr 20 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
TygerTyger
TygerTyger's picture

Great observations,

Great observations, Angela..and I like your remarks about EMOTIONAL IQ over intelligence. After a while you don't feel like sharing ANYTHING, because it's always fodder for a one up. That's not how I like to communicate with people. Again, it reminds me of a very teenage way of thinking and responding. And yes, the conversation being all about him. YUP! Sometimes I would just sit and quietly eat my dinner listening to him go on and on about band stuff, his projects, his ex girlfriends and think Jesus. If I didn't want to sleep with him so much there is no freakin' WAY I'd be sitting here enduring this prattle. Kinda pathetic on my part!!! :D
Apr 21 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

tyger

I felt the same way too about the sex part. Everything else was terrible except for the maybe "15 mins" sex session. And towards the end, that part wasn't worth staying w/ him either.
Apr 21 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Hangman11
Hangman11's picture

Just as bad

My STBXNH was the same way, yet constantly said "I don't want to be in competition with my wife!!" I love to cook and it became a tug of war with him to get into the kitchen, he finally said to me, "the bottom line is I am a better cook than you"...when I first met the guy he only cooked vegetables really well. He started watching me in the kitchen, picked up tips and then actually tried to belittle me about my cooking. When I would get a promotion at work, he would seem jealous, yet he's been on his latest job for two years and said he is the world's best this and that, yet no raise, no promotion. He even tried to take credit for me joining Facebook, like I didn't know the webpage existed before he told me about it. I mentioned how many friends I had and he said, "thank you" in a sarcastic way, like I owed that to him!! What a f----ng b----d. So glad he's moving back to his home state next week. Just hope the process server can locate him before he leaves. These fools all have the same M O.
Apr 22 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I can say the same

With my latest flaming N every conversation and comment was a way to one up. Something that might have mistakenly been taken for a compliment had a snideness that turned it on its head..... For example I met up with him once after coming from a nice party and I looked nice. He looked at me and said, "Well, don't you look ....GLAMOROUS..." and the way he said it - was a put down. Another time when a mutual friend complimented me sweetly on being such a "beautiful woman", he made sure to tell me later "oh he falls for ALL the girls I introduce him to". God forbid I feel good about myself or special even for a second. He spent all his energy one upping everyone. A**holes. Every last one of them. With my ex NH there was a stunning VOID at all the junctures where a supportive comment or encouraging would have been appropriate. For example I was excited as a well known director was interested in a screenplay I wrote - I tell him this and he just asks one question like "well how much would he pay for it" and then changes the subject. Could not have appeared any less interested or excited. And that, in a nutshell was my 10 years of marriage. Done with them, SO DONE!
Apr 22 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
TygerTyger
TygerTyger's picture

This reminds me of ANOTHER

This reminds me of ANOTHER thing my N did..very similar...I was excited because a funny article I wrote was noticed by an editor on a writing site and made "editor's pick" for the day. The article happened to be accompanied by some photos I had added. When I mentioned this to him, how it was picked out of hundreds and hundreds of daily entries from writers all he had to say was "Oh..well, they noticed the photos..that had to be why..." He totally shot down my small victory..no "That's cool!" or "How awesome!" Nothing..just that they saw the photos and that's what made it stand out. I can't really fully describe this, but it was like he was justifying one of my victories. How did I manage to score, in other words. And to him, he had to make it an "accidental" win on my part..I only got recognized because of something extraneous, not because of my writing talent. You know what I mean. Putting down or minimizing someone else's success, instead of sharing in it.
Apr 22 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

big babies

Putting down or minimizing someone else's success, instead of sharing in it Both exNH and Psycho-Boy did this. They were so resentful and still are. It's just SICK ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller