sky3421's story

I'm still not sure he is a Narc, I'm depleted, depressed and blaming myself...

Here is my story. I'm on the verge of a breakdown and I know I'm better than this.

I met a man during a vulnerable time in my life (while going through final stages of a divorce). I am 30, he is 35- we met in my town as he was traveling from NY to NC, so it turned into a LDR for 7 months. He was "prince charming", within weeks he told me I was everything he had been searching for. I really believed him. He had this air about him, he was handsome, athletic, we had so much fun together, everyone loved him, he was fun and seemed to have a great outlook on life, he cooked for me, he helped me clean and fix things up around my house - he was everythign I ever wanted in a man. He would drive total of 12 hours (6 hrs each way) almost every weekend to see me- how could someone not be that into you and be a bad person if they are willing to do that for me every weekend for at least 4 months. This is what I am hanging on to.

Something happened when we were out, after he had failed a course causing him to be re-stationed somewhere, when he didn't agree with the location I had taken him to (a local bar with loud music and somewhat obnoxious people) and the people that were there. He said this wasn't what he wanted for his life, that I clearly enjoyed these things and he was better than this. He told me in that moment that I would find someone that adored everything about me, he stayed the night, stone walled me slept on the couch, woulnd't discuss anything, packed his things (and his dog that I had been watching for a month) and drove off. Just to call me the following day to say he had made a mistake. Note: in my mind i blamed myself, I shoulnd't have taken him there, had we just gone to the movies, im not good enough for him, something is wrong with my life.

We worked through this... something else happened where he blew up on my best friend because he didn't agree with how she was treating her boyfriend. Basically it came down to him telling her to her face (aggressively) what a bad person she was and that she would always be alone. He told me he didn't understand why I would associate myself with people that would put me in uncomfortable situations and that he has no time for people like that in his life. (Mind you, deep down she is a good person, she has her issues like many of us but she is my friend because I know she would be there for me). Again, he stonewalled me, ignored me, woulnd't talk to me and told me that he learned a lot about me based on the friends I choose to surround myself with and my lack of reaction, and left the next day. Note: again blamed myself, I shouldn't be friends with her, hes right, my life isn't in order. He didn't break up with me right away but cancelled weekend plans saying he needed some time to process.

Things have been rocky since. We broke up because he decided to tell me I didn't have enough "substance" in my life for him. (I'm 30 y.o. received my bachelors, masters before 26, own a home on my own, have a good group of friends/family, have had a steady govt job for 10 years). He said my life was so cookie cutter that I didnt really learn anything through "tough times." He almost downgraded my accomplishments, saying college isn't that hard. He found pictures of me in my 20s during which time I did party, like most normal college students, but took that as a fault and woulnd't let it go saying he feared that side of me would come out again and I woulnd't be a good mother. He had a way of downgrading my accomplishments...ie- college isn't that hard, everyone leaves home to go to school and take care of themselves, your ex husband helped you buy your house (he didnt), etc. He told me he saw a bright future with me but he coulnd't get over my past, basically once again I wasn't good enough for him.

Recently he came back in full force...after telling me we just werent compatible. He was back (just as I was moving on), telling me I am the woman he wants to marry he just need time to realize how amazing I was, and how stupid he was, he wanted me back in his life as a GF full force and wanted to have a future with me, he wanted me by his side. He listed probably 100 qualities and traits about me that he loved saying he had in his mind he would find something more "convenient" (something not long distance), but realizes there is nobody like me out there. He kept speaking of children, engagements, marriage and a future. He knows these things are all very important to me, but he never talked about them this much before. To me I was thinking, finally he gets it. He just needed some time to see it, he has told his mom about me which is a huge step and he sees how amazing I really am. But for some reason I could not let go of that one sentence "I need more subtance, you spent your 20s partying." How can someone tell you that you lack substance and then tell you all of these positives? He told me that he talked to his mother about me, and told her I'm the one for him because I am stable and everything he has been looking for. I didn't trust him, so we went to therapy. During therapy I learned his doubts came from his in depth look in the future and his questions about making sure I was the right one, the one to carry on a legacy with him. He brought up his concerns of if I could carry on a meaningful substantial conversation with his mother, or if I could care for his children should something happen to him, almost implying that at some point he clearly felt I coulnd't for whatever reason. For this 2 weeks he was trying to get me back, seriously this man was coming across as he had seen the light, he coulnd't be with anyone else, he needed and wanted me and all of me he wanted to open up to me. Now after I find out hes lying and I call him on it, he says "maybe we aren't as compatible as we thought". How is that even humanly possible?

A little more background on this guy: He's 35 divorced with two children from seperate women. 1 of the children he did not tell me about and I happened across information that I confronted him with. He is very quick to judge me and my past and how I will not be good enough for him, just to come back and tell me how amazing I am. He sees nothing in his past as his fault or wrong, he says those are things in his life that he learned the most and because I dont have antyhing like that then I clearly haven't learned much on how to become a substantial person and live a substantial life. He has been engaged, and owns a home with a diff EX who he remains in contact with. All of his friends are needy women also. I had this urge that something wasn't right in the begining and I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit this but I went through his phone on numerous occasions. I always found something suspicious and he was never truly honest with me. I ended it last week 100% because I realized this man is taking my strength away that I worked so hard on gaining. During our month break up prior he had been watching a dog and made up a story as to whos dog it was, I found out by looking at his phone that it was his EXes dog. It wasn't the fact that it was her dog, it was the fact that he knew how hard of a time I was having trusting him he woulnd't desert me again, he lied to my face. I asked him to leave, but again he turned it on me saying that I just confirmed every doubt he had about me and that I'm not the type of woman to act appropriate or maturely to the fact that he has a friendship with his ex. He stonewalled one last time, slept on the couh and woulnd't discuss the topic.

Now here is where I am having this problem. I am blaming myself for everything, everyone around me is telling me how crazy I am, how manipulative he is and how much I have been brainwashed. 75% of me believes them. The other 25% is now making excuses as to why it's my fault... if I had just not snooped, if I had just trusted him, some guys need to walk away to be able to see what they had I should have just give him his space and opened myself up, maybe he is not such a bad person after all and I caused all of this heartache because I try to control everything. Maybe I place to much weight on honesty and not lying, some people just dont like to share everything. I literally feel like I am losing my mind. I know that I want to be with someone who knows what they have right in front of them and doesn't walk away, but then I doubt myself and say I am asking too much. He probably didn't want to tell me he was watching the Exes dog out of fear of a jealous reaction. Then the other part is saying he LIED multiple times making up stories on whos dog it was, I shoulnd't put up with any lie. I feel empty and devalued. He made me feel not good enough, and I allowed him to. I know I am good enough, but I have never met any man who has stayed with me through my bad times, my doubts, my fears- so I am terrified to be alone thinking maybe I should just deal with this and work on myself.