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sista's story

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#1 Jan 5 - 10AM
sista
sista's picture

sista's story

I Just Wanted To Matter!!

I met my ex n after I left a 20 year marriage to an alchoholic. We met at work and as I now realize all n's do he quickly homed in on my need! We hung out after work and talked and of course I shared everything and he shared what I wanted to hear. When I look back and relize the conversations and the answers to the questions I asked him it was so easy for him to say the right thing. I was being me honest honest soooo honest told him exactly what I wanted in my next guy and of course he assured me it was him. Here's the catch he was in a relationship that he wasn't happy with(like we haven't heard that before) and i fell for it hook line and sinker!! So I fall in love and he does all the right things and he moves into my condo and it all starts going south. Controlling my coming and going what i watch what i eat!!! How insane was I too let this happen. I was 44 he was 26, and i know what you're thinking was she stupid well yes she was she was coming from a place of loneliness and emptiness and she dove head first. Even when all the signs were telling me run, I couldn't. I was addicted, to the sex to the idea that he loved me....he never loved me he only wanted to control me and isolate me from my daughter and son and grandson. he was so jealous of that baby, and when that baby was just a year old he tried to make me choose between my family and him, and he lost!! He moved back home with his parents where he was when we met.(I just had blinders on so bad) And then we tried again, and again, and again, and finally this October I asked him to leave for good!!! It's been so hard moving on because for the first month and a half he kept contacting me and floating in and out but only for the sex as I came to realize. He was turning me into someone I hated, someone like him, selfish, self absorbed, bitter and angry but I still wanted him to love me, and all i ever wanted was to matter to him but I never will. Hockey, friends, food and the couch are all he wanted and of course the sex!! I'm sure he was ready to cheat on me in the end and that was when I decided to get out. I knew it was coming, I couldn't make him happy and he was making me crazy!! I love God and he knew it and would say that he was god!!He knew all the buttons to push!! So here I am 47 on my own trying to put the pieces of my life back together. Struggling to get through a day with out tears and self loathing, trying not to blame myself is the hardest part right now, I feel like such a failure. I live in a small town and I have to see his truck and sometimes him and when I do my body trembles uncontrollably and I hate that felling that I'm out of control. I have to go back to my gardening business in the spring and one of my biggest contracts means I have to see him daily!! Right now I don't know how I'll do it!! Just the thoughts make me puke and cry and I need closure!! How, how do we get closure!!!

Jan 5 - 12PM
Dee30
Dee30's picture

Hey Sista

I'm new here as well and I know how this must feel for you. but the ladies are right here. Keep learning about this disorder and establish no contact. You may never get no closure, after all he is a narc. The freak I was with went into outrageously crazy rages when i asked him to meet with me for goodbye. He absolutely refused. Hes getting married next month, of course not to me because although i was good enuf to screw with i was never good enuf for him to marry. till the last day of him departing for his arranged marriage i talked to him. He told me "u will find a nice guy ur a nice girl, then in next sentence. but i didn't leave u. i never left u, i didn't dump u."....u see his tactic? just to confuse me to think we r not ended, he will be back to suck whatever remaining blood he needs from me. I have to keep reminding myself that he is ABNORMAL. he can't think and feel like the rest of us with empathy. He has none. No contact is hard but its crucial. I don't ever want that man im ny life. the pain he has caused me is unbearable. and i don't wanna end up with an early death because im sure he will give me heart problems with all the stress he gave me.
Jan 5 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville.. When

Welcome to Narcville.. When you know better you do better.. Get Lisa's book and work the six steps.. Hunter
Jan 5 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Sista, sweetheart, you have to give

yourself the closure...which you will. Believe me. Trust me on this. If you stick here, do the work, work the steps and continue to get it out and share, you will find the peace of mind on this that you seek. Sista, we have all been there. Hindsight is 20/20 regarding red flags. Self-blame is counter-productive to healing. Self-examination, however, is good. It's okay that you forged ahead with something you believed at the time and it's good that you recognized that this relationship is ultimately bad for you, ties you up in knots, makes you into someone you don't know or like, and makes you feel bad. It is good that you no longer want to be with someone who makes you feel so bad and insecure and who treats you poorly. That's good, Sista! Remember that. As for the age difference, the freak I was involved with was younger than me, by 8 years. I'm 54. I know other members who have similar age differences...it is nothing to feel badly about or to worry about. For a young man to be so controlling at such an early age is bad, bad news. I'm glad you kicked him out and I'm here to tell you you will get over this and you will be happy. Sista, I'm living proof that it's possible. No Contact is the key. None. We'll deal with spring when it rolls around. Right now just concern yourself with today and what you need to do to feel better about yourself. Read all you can here. Understand what happened to you. Be willing to examine what it is about you that made you "accept" this relationship for longer than you really knew was good, and process it. Share it. Maybe go to therapy or share here. Getting it Out is an important step. The disordered freak who I allowed to steal six precious years of my life did not destroy me. In fact, the experience has left me stronger, better, joyful even! Truly! My life is better now at age 54 than I ever thought it could be a year ago (I'm 13 months total NC) and way better than it was throughout the entire six years of hell I endured. You will get there too, Sista! We will help. You are on The Path Forward now, dearheart. Trust in that! It is a rocky journey, but the outcome is so beautiful. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER AGAIN!

spinning

Jan 5 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
sista
sista's picture

Thank you!

Thank you!! I know that everything happens for a reason and finding this group of people who get it and know what I'm going through has been the best thing in my life since the birth of my grandson almost 2 years ago. I will gain my confidence again, and I will educate myself, and I will come out of this a better me than I've ever been thanks to people like you. Your Sista
Jan 5 - 10AM
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

Same story here....

I know exactly how you're feeling! All I wanted was for him to love me and I compromised my principles and beliefs thinking that would make him love me. Sold my soul to the Devil! I am 46 and a single mom of two boys and their birth father has been out of the picture for 9 years. When I met my exN he really took to the boys..or so I thought...problem is they came to loce him too...First person they actually called dad. It went South a long time ago but I continued to stay for the boys. Finally though I couldn't take it anymore. i lost me. I became a person and a mom that i just did NOT like! It sucks to realize it was just a game to him when the boys and I truly loved him and believed he was our forever. I understand the closure thing but I don't think they will ever provide it...they just don't care and never did. it's a hard reality to swallow and I still struggle with that everyday. hang in there!
Jan 5 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
sista
sista's picture

Thank you!

Yes the game is a painful one I pray i will never have to play again!! I trust that your boys are doing ok and I pray that they are! I can't imagine how difficult that was for you, but you sound strong and encouraging and thank you for the peace of mind knowing I'm not alone. Sista
Jan 5 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You won't ever have to "play

You won't ever have to "play the game" again if you take your recovery serious, and dedicate yourself to truly healing. You will see, it's an amazing place to be, it truly is. Good luck and stay strong! Read, knowledge is power!!!!!