Silvergirl79's story

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#1 Jul 19 - 3PM
silvergirl79
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Silvergirl79's story

It's been awhile since my narcissist broke up with me, but I didn't really know he was a narcissist until I found this site today. I met him in January of 2009 through mutual friends. He's in his mid-30's, handsome, and I thought I'd died & gone to heaven. This guy has a résumé that would impress anyone, he's a West Point grad, a captain in the Army, a state trooper, a pilot... very highly motivated in every aspect of his life. I couldn't believe that such an amazing guy was still single... and mine! He traveled great distances to see me (I'm working on my M.S. degree in a college town), went out of his way to do nice things for me, and constantly complimented me. I was beautiful, smart, sexy... and he was so lucky to be with me. I had been divorced and single for 6+ years when I met him, and he was the first guy I ever let get involved with my kids - who promptly fell in love with him, too. He met my parents, my family, my friends and charmed the pants off all of them. Everyone was so happy that my time had finally come. There was only one close friend of mine who wasn't impressed with him. He knew she was one of my best friends, but when she tried to friend him on Facebook, he denied her request. He told me it was because he really didn't know her. She said that if he truly cared about me and wanted to get to know the people that were important to me, he would not have declined. Over time, he declined every single one of my friends that friend requested him. I think he always knew that I was temporary and wanted to keep it simple by not integrating his life with mine in any way. There were a lot of little red flags along the way, things I should have picked up on, but I was so infatuated that I didn't see them. Like, he could never really, intensely look into my eyes. Even at the height of the romance, he couldn't do it. I once asked him why and he told me it was because I was just too beautiful (even at the time, I thought that was BS, but I let him get away with it). I can remember laying on his couch watching a movie and every time I would turn around and look at him, he'd close his eyes and smile. Any mention of feelings, he'd joke that he was going to "get scared and run for the hills". Not wanting to make him uncomfortable, I kept the feelings to myself and just assumed that eventually we'd have that talk. He'd often regale me with heroic tales of what he had done at work, and a couple of times I followed up on the police reports and couldn't find proof that those events had actually happened. It seemed odd, but I still trusted him. After about 6 months, all of his compliments stopped. When I asked him why, he acted like he hadn't noticed. It was also my first long-distance relationship and I'm extremely busy with grad school, so I attributed it to those things. We'd see each other a couple times a month and talk/text daily. But the last two times I saw him, something felt different. In bed, where he was once a voracious lover, it seemed that he was treating me like his sister. His emails, which were few and far between, seemed more like they were from a business associate than a boyfriend. Where we had once texted literally around the clock, he suddenly stopped responding and would tell me that he forgot his phone at the house... when I knew for a fact that the thing was practically glued to his hip all the time. After we had established a certain level of communication (which was basically talking & texting off & on around the clock b/c we worked different shifts), all of a sudden he started accusing me of checking in on him all the time and told me that my behavior was very unbecoming. I was blown away since I wasn't contacting him any more than I always had. In fact, he was the one that used to contact me all the time. It seems that the minute he finally won me over, he no longer wanted me. The last time we actually saw each other when we were dating, we shared a bottle of wine and things seemed great (which in hindsight was probably because of the wine). After 8.5 months of dating, I dropped the L word. And the very next day, I got dumped. Not only that, he ended ALL communication, even though I begged for an explanation. I could not possibly begin to comprehend what had just happened. I was beyond devastated for months and months. I could barely function, I cried all the time in front of my kids and I almost dropped out of grad school (I'm on a full scholarship... I almost walked away because of HIM!). I felt like I'd just lost the love of my life. In reality, this guy was a total jerk, but all I could think of was how much I loved him & how I'd never feel that way about anyone again. About a week ago, I saw him randomly, we both happened to be a in a completely different town in the same store, at the same time. He saw me, too, and practically ran out. It was just like getting dumped all over again. One of my friends told me I needed to take the reins on my own life and stop letting this guy affect me so much. I came across another blog (Getting Past Your Past - http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/) that talked about mistaking grief for love. This seemed incomprehensible. How could I possibly mistake those two very different emotions? And yet, that's exactly what I was doing. Crazy as this sounds, all of a sudden I realized that I didn't actually love him as much as I thought I did. It was that simple. From that blog, I linked to this one and read the welcome page, which essentially outlines the definition of a narcissist. And for the first time, I realized that's exactly what this guy was. It always was about him and he was all about getting attention and having me stroke his ego. In less than a week, I've made more strides towards healing than I've been able to make in months. I feel like myself again; progress is good.

Feb 24 - 8PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Girl on the Side

I'd say there was no FB contact with you or your friends because where he came from -- he was in a relationship. You were the girl on the side. When he saw you in that sotre -- he hightailed it because the woman was somewhere around. He didn't want you to speak to him & tip her off. Doesn't sound like YOU were introduced to the family & all his friends. Nobody was saying to him that he was so lucky. And this not looking in the eyes. They don't want people to see how vacant their eyes are. Cold. No genuine emotion. And the deceit -- people look aside often when they lie. Or, in the alternative, if a person stares too intensely -- that's bad, can be hypnotic.
Aug 19 - 4PM
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

FB

My xN will says he will NEVER go on FB.The reason he gave is that "he doesn't care about other people and what they are doing". Pretty much a self centered N comment and true. He only cares about himself. The other reason is that there is too much of a chance that his secrets will catch up with him. Oh the sad pathetic life he leads....
Aug 19 - 2PM
Silverandgold
Silverandgold's picture

Thanks for sharing

Silvergirl, your story really struck a chord with me. I fell in love with a friend whom I had known for five years and spent a lot of time with. To make a long story short, after my husband died a couple of years ago, our friendship intensified and he really reached out to help me. For six months, he promised me over and over that he would be there for me, that he would not abandon me. Then he spent one night with me and poof -- disappeared! He has not spoken to me since. Like you, I found the total and sudden abandonment, without explanation, to be the most painful thing of all. I simply could not understand why someone who had reached out to me with what seemed like true kindness could do something so cruel. I couldn't understand how he could do this to me in what was already the worst time of my life. I couldn't understand why the five year friendship we had had, which seemed to mean so much to him, did not warrant even a goodbye. I felt like utter trash. Here's the part of your story that really resonated with me. One of the things that always bothered me was that, the whole time I knew this guy, he could not maintain eye contact with me. Early on, I assumed this was because he found me unattractive, that he did not like looking at me. But later, I got a lot of signals that indicated he really was attracted to me, and I found that confusing. When we were in bed together, he literally placed his hand on my cheek and (gently) pushed my head to one side to break eye contact with me. This time it was crystal clear what this was. It was shame. It wasn't that he didn't want to look at me; it was that he didn't want me to look at him. One of the things I have realized, in the year and a half since I last spoke to him, is not only that it was always "all about him," but also that he always put a huge effort into presenting an image to others (including me) -- an image that was not who he truly was. It sounds like your guy did this too. I think under the confidence they project, both of these guys deeply hate themselves. And in my guy's case, I think he truly did care about me, but his caring was overriden by his huge fear that I would see through him, that I would really see him, and that I would hate him the way he hated himself. Of course, after what he did to me, I understand his shame a lot better. But I also feel a lot of compassion for guys like yours and mine. How awful it must be to feel so bad about yourself! On some fundamental level, they must be in constant pain. And I think in both cases, the sudden abandonment was not intended as cruelty toward us -- it was pure defense, self-preservation. I am glad neither of these guys is inflicting their own pain on us anymore, and I wish both of us healing, and more healthy relationships in the future. Thanks SO much for making me feel better. I feel so reassured knowing that this didn't just happen to me.
Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
silvergirl79
silvergirl79's picture

Thanks

Hi, it's been a long time since I've checked in here. I wish I had seen your reply way back when I wrote this. I really liked the things you said, especially regarding the eye contact. The good news is, it's been a year and a half and I'm so much better & happier. He's in the back of my mind at least a few times a day, but no more tears over him. I feel like if I ever meet a similar man again, I have the tools to get out of the situation before it gets too deep... and too painful. Again, sorry for the way delayed response. Hope you're doing well!
Jul 23 - 5PM
MelloMix
MelloMix's picture

Don't let go that truth

Hi Silvergirl, I'm new here too - though not new to the N world! So sorry to read your story. It's classic N behaviour and I'm glad you recognise it. Please stay NC and know you will get over this in time and are now armed with enough info to avoid another such creature. Take care Mello