THE SILENT TREATMENT

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#1 Jan 21 - 2PM
neverlookback
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THE SILENT TREATMENT

The silent (but deadly) treatment

The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.

The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner's (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.

The silencer's aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the "other" feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)

The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, "You aren't worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs."

The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong — wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.

Its message is menacing and extortive — menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a "crime" (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don't, the silencer continues to blot you out.

The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)

It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.

Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards — he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.

However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer's perspective, "capitulation" may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.

As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn't do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).

Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she's crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.

As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it's not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another's prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.

The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.

Jan 24 - 11AM
momoya
momoya's picture

his intent

The silent treatment served the EXN two puposes: Primarily, to make me think I had betrayed his trust so horribly that he had to take time to "think" about if he would speak to me again! since I looked in his phone. He wanted me to think that my betrayal or his privacy was so, so wrong and barely forgivable, I better not contact him unless he contacted me. Alas, he never contacted me again I guess because...he's MARRIED. Secondly, it allowed him to escape all accountability for being a master manipulator and liar -oh and MARRIED to someone else. So his silent treatment was meant to hurt me (along with anyone else that may ask questions), but I have said that plenty of times. I look back and see clearly now the actions he took to hurt me, even though the only mistake I made was ever letting him in my life and peeking on his phone. I frankly told him I looked in his phone, I was very forthwright about my actions but he was hell bent on hurting me anyway. Then, later I found out that he does this to his wife, OW .. ALL the time when he gets caught cheating. Pesky OW's have a way of reaching out and finding the truth, and how dare his wife ask a question, if she does she is met with silent treatment and dissapearance. Good riddance, sincerely.

momoya

Jan 23 - 7PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

The silent treatment

Just want you all to know that they imploy this technique on you, and have you pegged from the beginning of the relationship,,they know how to play you, when, and how. It is like they have a play book on you from the very beginning. Sometimes their play on you goes for years, involves family, lots of money, more that you would phanthom. They are evil, please remember that they KNOW they are evil, and have intention to destroy you from the beginning. There is no nice way to put this.
Jan 24 - 11AM (Reply to #23)
spinning
spinning's picture

Amazed, mine

was the king of silent treatment. The first time was for 14 days. Why didn't I just leave it? He silent treatmented me at least once a month for a couple of years. When I went NC on him, he pounded on my door begging that I allow him to try again. I'd made it 20 days and was determined. He scared me, I let him in. Ugh. He did the ultimate silent treatment now by D & D, changing phone number and leaving the area. This was, as you say, designed to DESTROY me. And it almost, almost worked. I struggle with this so very badly. This article describes exactly how I feel right down to my very core. It is HUGELY damaging and he was a MASTER of it. Still is, apparently. Amazed, can you help me get this behind me? I am glad to read how truly EVIL this tactic is and want to get to the point where it is immaterial to me... Thank you for this post. I feel like sharing it with the very few who still think my N is "just misunderstood." Whatever. Sincerely (trying so hard to stop) spinning

spinning

Jan 24 - 5PM (Reply to #24)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Oh Geez have I struggled

Oh Geez have I struggled with this. The cruelty in it is so unbelieveable the first time was 14 days the second was 2 months and its been three months. Well I should say it nc forever though secretly sometimes I wish he would contact me so I could silent treatment him back but there is no danger he knows that I know whats wrong him so he wont ever show is face to me again as I know his secret
Jan 22 - 10PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"He's not listening to you"

That's what the openly gay professor (who I think had a liaison with the ex-Psych professor that, of course, did NOT end well) told me about the ex-P. He was the one who explained the silent treatment. He was the one who told me to think for myself. He also subverted the paradigm by telling me to NOT listen to the ex-P. I have to credit this professor (he's a lawyer now) for opening my eyes. He was afraid I'd get more involved than I already was. While he wasn't around for the final D&D, he was incredibly blunt... and telling the difficult truth. It's still stunning that it was a teacher who treated his student- the way the ex-P treated me- with the "you aren't worth the energy it takes to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings and needs." It's toxic in a love relationship. It's toxic in a pedagogical relationship, when the one giving the silent treatment is in a position of authority&trust.
Jan 22 - 2AM
Scotchy71
Scotchy71's picture

So true

I flew with mine to Texas to meet his mother and we got along very well - a little too well as it turns out. We were out back clearing her yard and he refused to speak with me for most of the morning, not one word spoken between us. I didn't realise what he was doing, but I never asked him why, I just ignored him too. Later on in the evening, we were watching tv and his mother went to bed. He kicked my chair to get my attention and said.."I'm flirting with you"...WTF????? I told him I was tired and went to bed with no kiss, nothing. Turns out he thinks his mother loves me more than him - GROW UP!!!!!!
Jan 21 - 11PM
fierflie
fierflie's picture

thank you so much for posting this

i got the silent treatment all the time. i guess it was part of 'the training' he said i was getting. i even got the silent treatment after i was beat with a belt until i bled. i was such a POS, according to him, that i made him do it. in the beginning, i would cry and say anything i could to make it stop. i would tell him i was crazy and childish and stupid and beg him to show me how to behave becaus ei wante dto be better for him. then he would snear and take me back into the fold. eventually, that stopped working so i tried harder appologized more emphatically, cut myself, whatever i could do. that resulted in him leaving the house, pushing me while i was pregnant ect... i also got left at airports, downtown, in strange cities, and once on valentine's day on a ski trip.
Jan 21 - 9PM
JordansMom
JordansMom's picture

Oh.....the horrible silent

Oh.....the horrible silent treatment. It would go on day after day after day. My ex would always go sleep with our son so he knew I would not go in there to try and talk with him bc it would wake our son. The very last time he did that,before he moved out for good, I tried to whisper to him to please come and talk with me and he just kept ignoring me so I lost it and kind of pinched the back of his arm to get his attention. He came flying out of that bed and choked me, waking our son up. Now two years later, he says he grabbed the collar of my robe and has convinced our son he never touched me. Good grief, these men are wicked.......
Jan 21 - 7PM
apple
apple's picture

Confused...

I'm still very confused about the difference in going NC and the silent treatment being a evil/mean thing to do. I went NC without a word or explanation and we were actually getting a long fine before hand. I just knew I couldn't take it anymore as I didn't trust him at all. Can you maybe explain this to me? I don't like feeling bad/evil/mean. Ya know? My body was telling me that it was fight or flight and the anxiety was killing me. What do you think? Thanks guys!!!
Jan 21 - 7PM (Reply to #17)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

your doing it out of

"The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target." your doing it out of survival. He does it to watch to make you crazy and watch your pain. Big difference
Jan 21 - 4PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

when I asked

the Narc to leave my place after almost a year of abusive treatment and kindly gave him a deadline to get out of 6 weeks, too generous in hindsight, he gave me the silent treatment every night when he got home from work, it was like having a slow mental breakdown, when I said goodnight, he would answer good night and that was it, he just read in silence.............
Jan 21 - 4PM
titta22
titta22's picture

Stonewalling.............

I do to remmember how horrible it feels to get the silent treatment and never being looked at in the eyes. It was the lowest of the lowest and i also begged God to let me die rather than continue with that treatment.
Jan 21 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

shade his eyes

Mine used to lean back, lower his head, and shade his eyes & look at the floor with a look of repulsion & disgust for me. I still get knots in my stomach thinking about it. Silence for 2-3 days. But accepted all domestic services as his due (food & laundry, etc.). In the last few months, I kept a jounal of sorts. 33% of the days in every month were spent in silence. What he learned in family therapy. When I refused to engage in his verbal harangues which could go on for 1-3 days, before the onset of the silent treatment, my refusal to engage = stonewalling. I was stonewalling him to the detriment of our relationship. When he was silent for 2-3 days, he was "flooded" with emotion. The therapist says that when I am flooded I cannot talk to you. This is a textbook pathological. When I finally left him, he begged me to stay. I told him that you suffered so much, you were so unhappy, I was such a disappointment -- i was so stupid & crazy. "No. No. I love you. You make me happier than any woman has ever made me in my life." I say, "Well 33 % of the time you do not talk to me. You are so flooded." "No. That's not true." I say, "I make a note of every day of silence in my calendar. I can tell you the days & the reason why." His response, "You're so negative." With a pathological, you can't win for losing.
Jan 21 - 4PM
titta22
titta22's picture

Stonewalling.............

I do to remmember how horrible it feels to get the silent treatment and never being looked at in the eyes. It was the lowest of the lowest and i also begged God to let me die rather than continue with that treatment.
Jan 21 - 4PM
titta22
titta22's picture

Stonewalling.............

I do to remmember how horrible it feels to get the silent treatment and never being looked at in the eyes. It was the lowest of the lowest and i also begged God to let me die rather than continue with that treatment.
Jan 21 - 4PM
titta22
titta22's picture

Stonewalling.............

I do to remmember how horrible it feels to get the silent treatment and never being looked at in the eyes. It was the lowest of the lowest and i also begged God to let me die rather than continue with that treatment.
Jan 21 - 4PM
titta22
titta22's picture

Stonewalling.............

I do to remmember how horrible it feels to get the silent treatment and never being looked at in the eyes. It was the lowest of the lowest and i also begged God to let me die rather than continue with that treatment.
Jan 21 - 4PM
titta22
titta22's picture

Stonewalling.............

I do to remmember how horrible it feels to get the silent treatment and never being looked at in the eyes. It was the lowest of the lowest and i also begged God to let me die rather than continue with that treatment.
Jan 21 - 4PM
titta22
titta22's picture

Stonewalling.............

I do to remmember how horrible it feels to get the silent treatment and never being looked at in the eyes. It was the lowest of the lowest and i also begged God to let me die rather than continue with that treatment.
Jan 21 - 4PM
titta22
titta22's picture

Stonewalling.............

I do to remmember how horrible it feels to get the silent treatment and never being looked at in the eyes. It was the lowest of the lowest and i also begged God to let me die rather than continue with that treatment.
Jan 21 - 4PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

i an expert on this I live

i an expert on this I live with a silent treatment master. I have found mysef sobbing on the floor asking God to let me die. Thiis was usually his cue to respond after hours of stonewalling. This gave him great supply and a snear came over his face. Never again will I give him that Pleasure! Nothing in my life so far has ever inspired this level of disgust and horror. I detest them.
Jan 21 - 4PM
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Last Night

This is exactly what I was experiencing last night, Omgg. I'm so glad I read this. I was totally frozen last night, panicking, feeling so afraid, so upset that I could barely even move. He'd lied to me for so long and about so much, made one apology & then expected all to be forgiven in one fell swoop. Treating my feelings about it all like a giant nuisance or attack, so wrapped up in himself that he saw my pain as a personal stab. He completely stonewalled me, exactly like this post described, shut down every single effort to try and understand what happened and validate all the feelings surrounding his betrayal. I was met with so much resistance and ambiguity that I felt exhausted, insane, and then he'd call me insane. I sat with this mental chaos, devastated that he was content with my trying to just delete it all after being ignored (bullied) into defeat, feeling like my emotions actually were a blown out mess, to the point of my feeling embarrassment over them. Last night, sensing that it actually is seriously done now I think, I started getting provocative text messages, then creepy ones, then the D&D, complete with implication that I'm currently wronging him somehow, keeping something from him that he knows all about. That scared the hell out of me. It made me feel so vulnerable, so paralyzed because I did feel shame and guilt. It's so upsetting to me, thinking about how close I allowed such a violation, for so long, and kept going back for more too. So humiliating. I've freed myself, I'm on my way to healing. No turning back.
Jan 21 - 3PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I cannot even tell you how

I cannot even tell you how he has murdered my mind and soul with this. So hurtful for someone to claim they love you and then muder your soul with silence as though you never existed
Jan 23 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
StillHurting
StillHurting's picture

Sick of it....

What you said is perfect. Making it out to be you are everything, and mine even said one of the two reasons he is able to get through the day, and now it's like none of it ever happened.
Jan 23 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

He tried to murder me with

He tried to murder me with this and left me for dead.