The silence is so unbearable

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#1 Sep 17 - 3AM
Sea
Sea's picture

The silence is so unbearable

I know that hoovering is not about me n many here suffered from excessive hoovering and having so much pain fending off.

Zero hoover and likely never going to hear from him ever again - I should be thankful and glad but it is creating an empty void in my heart. The silence is deafening n the pain was at times unbearable.

Like being castout from the space shuttle into empty space floating around n very scared n nothing to hold on.

Thanks for listening. Its just my feelings at the moment. I still think about my exN n things that we had in the past.

Sumiko

Sep 17 - 11AM
O2bfree
O2bfree's picture

Hi Sea, I am like you...3

Hi Sea, I am like you...3 years of a relationship, and then now cast out. It is likely I will never hear or see him again as I am LD. I should also be thankful because I know who and what he is. We just need to keep reminding ourselves that the silence gives us time to heal. I won't miss the mindgames or the verbal abuse, and I need to focus on the fact that he was not good to me...the good times were all fake. Keep up the good work on NC. Hugs.
Sep 17 - 10AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Of course you still think of

Of course you still think of him, you are human. He is not. And that is unfortunate. The silent treatment is by far the most painful of punishments that they can inflict on you. But never ever believe that he is gone, never to be heard from again. Because he is not. He will come back around when his new supply runs out. Mark my words. Right now though, he is punishing you and will continue to do so until he is sure that you have suffered enough. Do not give him that power! Who the hell does he think he is, is what you should be saying to yourself! Continue with NC and educate yourself as much as possible. And prepare yourself for what lies ahead........... Good luck, stay strong!!!
Sep 17 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
Sea
Sea's picture

The thot of him contacting me

The thot of him contacting me again actually scares the hell outa me! I am still raw n trying to heal. Hope this wont be anytime soon. I rem v clearly the time i left him 7 weeks ago i was a total mess! Busy getting myself checked for all kinds of STDs (luckily i am clean), freaking out waiting for results, unable to sleep, constantly throwing up my meals cos of panic attack! I cried n cried. I didnt even have the courage to post here till 4 weeks after i left him. It was hell. I am too scared to get suck back n restart again. Noooo that is too scary. Thats for reminding me that i need to be strong n prepared to ignore if he ever boomerang back. Hugs!!
Sep 17 - 10AM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Sea

I promise there will come the day when you will embrace the silence and when looking back at the times you shared with the N you will have a whole new perspective on what was really going on. You will look at the memories so different. You wont' care if he ever contacts you again. I dare mine to try. I'm over 18 months NC and I remember feeling like a zombie those first months. I was in a fog of disbelief and emptiness and pain. My memories of the wonderful times just couldn't have been fake and all lies on his part. He loved me! The more I read and learned about Ns the more it started to wrap around my head what I had dealt with. And I got pissed! How dare he do what he had done to me! How dare he move on without a thought of me & what he had promised! I now can see him for what he REALLY is. I now can see and accept the love and memories were all FAKE. He NEVER loved ME. He loved that I made him look good..beautiful older woman who had her shit together with soo many friends that loved & admired her. I was candy on his arm. He used me. The memories no longer hurt me. I look at them & know he will never use me again. I see him for what he is and he disgusts me. I find him pathetic. I promise if you stay NC the silence will fade and you will hear yourself again. And it's a beautiful sound.
Sep 17 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks for your encouragement

Thanks for your encouragement i am waiting this void silence to go away as time passes n to heart my heart sing again. I will sleep tonite thinking about this. Hugs
Sep 17 - 8AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

SEA

I felt the exact same thing early out when he up and left me after a long relationship and moved away, leaving a room of his belongings at my place he never picked up, too cowardly. It felt like someone ripped part of my heart out and i was holding it in my hands,suc an empty, void feeling, it has taken me over 2 years and a lot of work but the good news is you will recover, hang in there and keep the faith....
Sep 17 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
Sea
Sea's picture

The void feeling

The void feeling makes me feels v hollow. The sudden disappearance if a long time partner with no closure. I can imagine the 2 years for u, it surely wasnt easy but u make it!! Congrats!! A close friend who is also a specialist in mental health told me that what i am suffering is similar to losing a love one thru airplane crash where bodies were never found. In short, its the no closure part that prolongs the recovery process. There were always false hope that hinders the moving on process. He told me to work on acceptance that he will never be back in my life. This part of the process sets the foundation of the recovery. If this foundation is not there we tend to go back n fro the process in circles. I have alot to learn. I am taking a day at a time. Try my best till fill my day with meaningful activities n coming to this forum for emotional support. Hugs
Sep 17 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

SEA

your friend in the mental health field sounds very wise to me ,listen to his words,no closure was the biggest hurdle to me, like you said, to have someone disappear on you with no finality to it, makes recovering that more difficult on our parts. I have never recovered from anything in my life with so much effort and work on my part, as getting over this man, You will recover too and hugs right back to you , Take it day to day, one foot in front of the other....
Sep 17 - 8AM
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Sea - I know what you mean.

Sea, Mine used to keep getting in touch with me every now and again after he split up with me. He would do things like phone me on my birthday (supposedly to wish me a happy birthday) but then go on about all the things that he had been doing and the wonderful time he was having, which just made me miserable and spoiled my birthday. He also phoned me on xmas day (supposedly to wish me a merry xmas) and even sent a card on Valentine's day, whilst all the time insisting that he did not want to get back together with me. If I mentioned it he would tell me that he did not want me back and that I had mis-read the signals. He would say "If I wanted to get back together with you I would just say so". It was mental torture and it drove me insane. At first, I kept on trying to persuade him to give the relationship another chance. He would invite me over to visit him, as if he was interested in a reunion, take me out for dinner, seduce me and tell me he still loved me etc., but as soon as I started talking about getting back together, he would reject me. He would say "I know I said I still love you, but that doesn't mean I want to get back together with you". Whenever this happened I would blame myself and wonder what I had done wrong to ruin everything again. In the end I found the strength to cut him off completely as he was driving me to depair. At first he kept trying to get in touch but eventually, when I didn't respond, he gave up and at that point I also had to deal with the silence that you describe. It was an overwhelming feeling of complete emptiness and isolation. I will never forget it. Being ignored is horrible, there is no doubt about that, but being hoovered is very damaging to your self-esteem aswell. The more you get back together with them and then get discarded by them again the more you have been traumatised by them. We all have to deal with the silence eventually. Being hoovered just prolongs the pain prior to the silence. I think it is still very early days for you and the pain is still very raw, but you are doing very well by sticking to no contact and things will start to get better for you. When it gets really tough and you start wishing he would hoover you, try to keep reminding yourself that when the narcissist keeps hoovering someone this just means that he is aware that he still has a big effect on that person, he realises that he can use them a bit more, which gives him a feeling of power, control and victory over that person. Suffering this silence is a harrowing experience, but it also means that you are now going through the first stage of your recovery. Someone who is still being hoovered is not yet in recovery. xxx
Sep 17 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
Sea
Sea's picture

I read your reply many times!

Thank u so much for sharing your experience in DETAILS. This is so important to me. I try to imagine every scenrio you have been thru. The pain n confusion is terrible. No, i dont want that kind of hoovering. It is all about them controlling n playing with us. Toss some crumbs of hope to reel us in then slap us. And u bring up another important thing that is we eventually have to face silence before we can really heal n move on. I am already at the stage of silence. I should be brave n push on with NC. You are right I am in the early days. 7 weeks did not meet n 2nd go at NC now at 1 week mark. I kept all the gifts from him deep in the wardrobe. It triggers alot of pain. I would like to reach a stage where i could take all the valuables n sell them off n donate the $ to charity. Now i cant bear to do it. Thank u so much to give me so much insight into this. Hugs Sumiko
Sep 17 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Sea

You are very welcome. I also remember throwing out his presents and cards. It was a long time before I could do that. Over 2 years. It's important to do things at your own pace, when you feel ready and never give yourself a hard time about not doing it sooner. You will get there and in your own time. xxx
Sep 17 - 4AM
KeshaN
KeshaN's picture

i think you just miss him and

i think you just miss him and you are human so that is natural. Anyone who was a big part of our lives and then suddenly they are out of it, your going to miss them. I felt the same too. I am used to talking to him even though every time we talk he just played head games. I wondered why I missed it. i am just use to talking to him and him being around. I also wondered why he didn't call? Did he not miss me too? He could say the same about me...she doesn't miss me? Yuck! Anyways as time goes on you will not miss them anymore. My N called me private for 2 days after no answer i guess he gave up but then I still suspect that it is not the end of his little games. I expect him to try again in another dumb manipulative way and I got my mind armor own ready. Unfortunately, we have two kids together so eventually we will have contact.
Sep 17 - 5AM (Reply to #7)
Sea
Sea's picture

Yes I miss having him around.

Yes I miss having him around. We are together 3 years. It is actually 90% awful time with mind games n emotional abuse. But I stupidly missed the 10%. my friends said I am a hopeless sucker for romance even from scraps falling off his plate. He has so many OW, he cannot love n told me he never loved any woman (other than his mama!!) but cared deeply for a few only. I was the few he cared deeply about. So he expects me to be happy to make it to his shortlisted group called "care deeply"? They really has no feelings to rank his partners like that. He said only those he cared deeply made it to his list of will beneficiaries. Makes me feel so sick! I told him I was never after his money which was the truth. Anyway I was quickly moved from cared deeply list to the dump list. I know I should rejoice n feel happy that I wasnt married to him, have his kids so no divorce to manage n coparenting issues. I shouldnt be complaining here. You have kids to manage with your N n you are standing tall n strong. I am working towards this also. Hugs
Sep 17 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Being Ranked

The ranking thing really bothered me, too. He used it as a challenge. The "Care Deeply For" and "Dump lists" were the same list of people! It was a well-traveled path. We are either falsely "loved" while we're in the situation or dumped if we resist the unhealthy way that they want someone. So once we enter the Care Deeply For category, we're already on the path to the Dump! We just didn't know it!
Sep 17 - 4AM
Journey
Journey's picture

It takes a long time to stop

It takes a long time to stop remembering what you miss... that is normal. But it is true that the farther he stays away and the more you see the reality of him instead of the good stuff you miss, the better you will feel sooner. My exN doesn't hoover either and like you, I struggled with that too. Now after reaching a much clearer place from which to view what we'd had and what I felt was lost, the feeling of what I missed has been replaced by relief that I no longer have the intensity of feelings about him that he once caused me. Most of my good memories have been seen now through new glasses since discovering he is a narc and the ones I cherished before look a lot different to me now. Relief that your exN does not hoover and stays away WILL one day outweigh your sadness... trust that! (hugs)!

Journey on...

Sep 17 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
Sea
Sea's picture

Journey

Thanks for sharing your experience. I am motivated to attain the clarity u have now. This takes time. Time cannot be hurried. My exN n I were together 3 years. We have alot of memories n there were some good moment (tho they are fake). I also tend to forgive n forget the emotional tortures he inflicted on me. I hope this empty void feeling go away soon n I stay NC all the way. Hugs!!
Sep 17 - 4AM
freaked
freaked's picture

Sumiko, please pardon my

Sumiko, please pardon my tough stance when I request you to be thankful that you managed NC. No news is good news. If your exn has not been dropping his poison into your ears and brain after NC...please realise how fortunate that is. Do Not wish for any news/contact/words/hoovers from that evil fiend. say good riddance to bad rubbish. it is tough perhaps because you have not yet cut the psychic cords. I suggest you do the psychic cord cutting excersise in order to experience the magical detaching. I have done that...so am able to get through these sunless days eating food which NH scraps to my plate.. and biggest wonder of all is...i have achieved mental NC...and no longer snoop...this is a HUGE positive development. sumiko...be careful what you wish for...for sometimes your wish gets granted, and you may not like it too much then.
Sep 17 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks for reminding before I

Thanks for reminding before I drift further into this. Deep down I know i cannot handle hoovering and he is unknowingly doing me a favor by cutting me off. It could have been much worse for me if he hoovers.
Sep 17 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Worse if he hoovers

It really is a blessing in disguise. Who could just walk away from you, a kind, wonderful, smart woman, without a backward glance? They are cold and heartless once it's over. That is your proof. Think to yourself - "That is my proof. I see him as he really is. Now that I know, I want nothing more of him."