signs you are not ready to date!

OH, I know! This is the girl who went out on a wonderful date with a great guy last month, had a terrific time, and then stopped by the narc's house on the way home, in tears, to rip out the flowers in his flower box LOL I just cried into my pillow thinking, "I want my narc back! I want HIS eyes and HIS smile and I want HIM to tell me I look nice!" Why won't HE tell me I"m pretty? Why doesn't HE want me? He used to think I was beautiful! I used to BE beautiful! Your feelings are definitely wrapped up in your attachment to him. You are not altered for life; you are different, though, and I think we really feel that difference and it feels uncomfortable. But I think it's a maturity that we are feeling, along with the "washed up"-edness. In fact, I think it's MOSTLY maturity--that we are not the sassy, stupid little girls we used to be. But that's a good thing. No, these guys are not going to have that hold on you the way the narc did and yes, it's hard to accept that we may never (and perhaps SHOULD NEVER) feel that "hard-falling" feeling again, but there just may be another guy that, after he proves he is worthy, makes you smile and think of HIM when you hear of love song. :) I am forcing myself to go out on short dates with normal people, being very careful not to get too involved but also being careful not to act like a narc (not answering calls, etc), which is the hardest thing to do. It's really hard to be scared without giving the impression that you're nuts or just a jerk. :( I think we need to remember that this is DATING and that these guys are not looking to suck out our souls. I think we are used to that because of the narc. You have to tell yourself that this is DATING. I would just suggest doing that: tell yourself that this is just you socializing, and that these men are NOT asking for you to commit your life to them (the way the narc did) but just want to spend a little time with someone, too. Hang in there.

I'm there with you too. When I go out I feel like a loser who got cheated on. I use to be very confident , happy, a pleasure to be around . Now I'm bitter, insecure, lack self confidence, I even feel ugly and old now. I use to be so vivrant now i feel washed up and a has-been. I look at his OW and think she is me the way I use to be. Smh now that I'm not the same he goes and tells her all my bad qualities and even things I told him about myself that were very personal and touchy. I believe he has told her I can tell by some of the things she says. What can I say in my defense? some of the things are true but I overcame them and didn't let them stop me. Now that they are mentioned I feel bad and feel like i'm nothing.

Definitely there... Its amazing how no matter how much or how little time you invested and spent with these Narcs they sure do know how to pull you down. I used to be one of the most confident girls amongst my group of friends and now... Its sad, they've said they don't really know me anymore... I don't even think I really know! All I can say is baby steps. Start taking care of you, if you have the money for it: regular: manis, pedis, haircuts, massages, PLENTY of outings with friends. My girls and I go out to dinner on Thursdays just a handful of us! Its hard and its sad that we allow these FAKES to break us, but I think its more of us breaking ourselves... we take the beating for why we even got caught up in this mess- but we just CAN'T!! These guys AREN'T sitting there saying "ooo I'm not ready to date" they don't get a fux & they're out doing their thing! We should be too!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

It's been mentioned that 18 months ( out of the toxicity) is the "magic number". I do not know where the "research" from that number comes from.....but I do have to say that I agree, whole- heartedley. ESPECIALLY if you have a history of being in toxic and abusive relationships. It is NOT how we "LOOK" to others ( ie. confident) ....it is about how we FEEL about ourselves......whether our self doubt comes from childhood, or it comes from being involved in a toxic and abusive relationship as of lateley...... if we are not loving ourselves and not TRULEY believing in our good qualites....for WHATEVER reason....than we need to figure that out before dating again.