Sick and Tired of It's Story

First off, sorry this is so long. Part of my rant. I am just trying to compile the facts, as I see them…Wavering back and forth – push and pull – when I have completely given up and have nothing more to give, he rises to the occasion or even surprises me. So much of what everyone says I can relate to. Things have been bad between us for a long time. I am getting better, going to counseling and getting stronger. Not only is he a Narc, but he is also an alcoholic. He stopped drinking when I told him I was leaving (3 months ago) – he threw it out there – I had asked him to stop many times before and he said, ”Don’t make me choose because I will pick booze over you.” He had never asked for a second chance before, so reluctantly, I agreed. We also started marriage counseling. A few weeks ago he blew up at the session – he was sabotaging, which he had done years ago the only other time we tried counseling. The beast reared his ugly head, the therapist knew he was minimizing and downplaying much of his behavior prior, but the blow up made her realize he was a narc. I had a follow up session with her alone because my HN claimed it was too stressful to go every week. Poor thing. Once we began the discussion, I recalled believing this about him years ago, and for some reason forgot about it. How is that possible? Weird.
Like I said in my earlier post, like many of you, it was a fairy tale courtship for the most part. Flowers, attention, treated me like I was a princess. I was sick when I met him, finishing up my graduate degree, and ending a 5 year relationship with someone who adored me, but made me crazy. Physically I was a wreck, but I was very happy. I had lost 40 pounds making me look very ill. People who loved me commented on how bad I looked. He fell in love with my “super model body.” I was perfect. The doctors finally got my meds right and I got healthy (aka fat, to the narc). We got married, had a son, built a house, all of the trappings of a perfect life, but he did not have a perfect wife. Which he pointed out to me more and more frequently. He started finding ways to stay away. When we went out together he would “disappear” and frequently, when I found him, he would look at me disgustedly and stop his conversations. This pissed me off, I told him so, but he continued to do it even saying, “ Shhh, she’s coming.” I actually spoke out about it in front of people because it made me so mad. What I did not know was that it was part of the plan to make me look crazy, jealous, and insecure. “See, she’s nuts, I cannot even be away from her for a minute.”
He would not let me be around his co-workers at all, by that I mean he said you are not allowed... No parties, no dropping by work, he was even rude when I called, so I stopped calling him at work. He stopped wearing his wedding ring, and I sometimes felt like he told people we were no longer together, or at the very least, I made him miserable. Of course part of his D & D – all the while he was fostering these awesome relationship with the women who work under him, who all are in awe of him or terrified of him. He facebooked and texted one cutie for quite some time, the discovery of which is what finally made me wake up. He was giving her everything he could not give me: money, time, attention, affection. He claims it was not sexual. Who knows and honestly, I told him it didn’t matter, the emotional stuff was way worse. He actually used to bad mouth me to her, which I figured, but was confirmed through a text he sent her making fun of me and my jealousy. Now that I think about it, she was probably not the first, and surely not the last. He was always sharing cute little stories about her. He even took her kids off her hands so she could study a number of times. He had my kid play with her kids while he ACTED like the awesome dad he surely was not. Win – win all around for him. What a great guy, huh? Oh, and made my son lie to me about their “play time.” I found out by asking my son questions way after the fact. I wanted to know what she was giving him since he was neither her husband, nor the father to her children and the family he had, he was actually ignoring. He has never disclosed any more about the relationship other than they were lunch buddies – out of the office , on her day off, and I consider this part of his psychological abuse – the withholding and lying about this and many other situations. In reading my post, it sounds like I have confronted him often. This is not the case, I let him do whatever he wanted most of the time. This included coming home whenever he wants. He even said that all of the guys say he has the greatest marriage because he can do whatever he wants – and said, “Thanks,” and kissed me on the forehead. Pat, pat, pat – do what I say and never question me. When I did confront, it was all about the rage, how it was my fault because I was jealous and insecure. I was the crazy one! He broke things and would shut me out and ignore me for days, until he wanted or needed something, then he would give a half-hearted apology – I am under a lot of stress and I don’t need you to blah, blah, blah… My fault – if only you… fill in the blanks. From what I have read from others, it is all pretty much the same.
I sucked it all up and spit out resentment, anger, despair, depression, remorse – you name it, I felt it. He just kept coming and going and D&D’ing me every chance he got. When it hit the fan, he did an about-face for awhile, dropping friends who drank and coming home after work. We spent more time together as a family, but he still has that sour look on his face. Come on, you know the one – “I smell poop,” and it is me he is looking at. He actually said he was not coming home because he “couldn’t stand the look on MY FACE!” Really, the look all of his abuse caused? I thought Narcs liked mirroring? Argh, it is so crazy-making. It must be exhausting for him to keep up all of his different roles. Maybe that is why he falls asleep as soon as he is done eating the food I made, while I clean up, help with homework, get my son ready for bed and do as much as I can so he won’t complain about what a messy house I keep. He actually dragged my son around the house one day to point out all of the messes I left before going to work at 6:00 am. He pushed him into the bathroom and our bedroom pointing to a damp towel I left on the bed, hair in the sink and paperwork on the table and said, “Your mother is a PIG and I don’t want you to grow up to be like her!” My son told me this, NH denied it. Son is smart, but not manipulative. He would even shove lies in my son’s mouth and blame him for lying. That is nuts.
So after my long spew, oh and there is plenty more…funny it was the OW that broke the camel’s back, not the horrible way he has treated me for years. The question is what do I do now? For now we are in counseling, but I am sure he has one foot out the door of the sessions. I am trying to save money and I have feelers out for a place to live. I know he will not leave this house even though he promised he would if things did not improve or if he started drinking again, which I am sure he has.