Should you break NC to send a closure letter?

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#1 May 1 - 12PM
Caligirl
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Should you break NC to send a closure letter?

I have been debating this for the last month. I have been NC for that time. I am struggling with this breakup and I think part of it is because of lack of closure. I know that this is common in a relationship with a narc. A little background, I left my N. I moved home to another state one month ago. He travels on the road for work. The last time I saw him he d&d'ed me, then left for about a week. The very next day he started calling, but he never left a message. The last time he called, a week later, I was already home (again no message). I had originally moved there from out of state. Then moved back to the same state. I haven't heard from him and I think it's because I live far away, so he is done, and he is too cowardly to ever try to get me back (not that I would). It would look ridiculous to ever move back. My N was the silencing type, so I didn't get to speak. I have also learned more during the last month about abuse and NPD. My N has said he deletes emails without reading, but my GF thinks he'd read it. I know some people write closure letters but never send them. For me, I feel like I can only get closure by sending it. I'm safely states away from my N, don't want to start talking again, don't want to even be friends, just a one-time thing. Should I?

May 2 - 3PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

It does feed the ego of the

It does feed the ego of the narc if you contact him and he doesn't understand anything you have to say unless it's butt kissing. The ladies have great points.
May 2 - 4PM (Reply to #26)
Caligirl
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Happy1

Thanks, you made me laugh with that buttkissing comment. So true. I heard from someone else that his ex-wife had called him after their divorce. He says he walked out on her and never went back. Anyway, she says to him "You have pretty eyes. You have a nice smile." Apparently, she had his game down. It makes me sick.
May 2 - 4PM (Reply to #27)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Caligirl

I did send a letter and I got, "your letter scares me" Hunter Its a waste of time
May 2 - 4PM (Reply to #28)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Hunter

That's it? These narcs are so weird. Mine was always very brief too. Thanks
May 2 - 5PM (Reply to #29)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Caligirl

Yep, From the same person Who called me 5 times a day said "I love You" every time. Then The silent treatment till last week when he found this site and said I was ruining his character. I told him he caused me a breakdown. He didn't care, I Iet him have it from every end. He blamed me for the break up. Said it was my fault because I wanted to get married and move in with him. News to me, I would think I would remember such a conversation. All the rest made no sense, He tried to defend his evil deeds he didn't even make any sense. The best part was when I started laughing at him (I love that part still) He was so pissed he said " stop laughing at me" HAHAHAHAHA. They are crazy however I do believe going back as I did help me see the real truth. I have no doubts. HE IS CRAZY!! Hunter
May 2 - 5PM (Reply to #30)
Caligirl
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Hunter

Yep, they always blame others as I'm sure you know. Good job on confronting him. I'm sure it helped with closure, knowing he's crazy etc. Wow, I wonder how he found you. That's scary.
May 2 - 5PM (Reply to #31)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

CALIGIRL

That SOB has bothered me half my life. It all makes sense now. I hate his guts. In fact I hope he keeps reading here. The Truth kills these dudes. Hunter
May 2 - 12PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Still NC and thank you

I want to thanks everyone for your responses. They were all helpful. I should have mentioned that I had started writing right after the d&d, when I was still there. I never finished it nor sent it. Two of my friends suggested not to, but had never been in my shoes, loved a narc. I still remain NC and undecided. I am thinking about the "outcome." Kitty, yes they are nitwits, and someone said, if he could even follow the points (sadly he never could). The end was sort of a win for me, as I never called him back (he would always hang up, and I would call back. I kept it together), and I left. I took my power back, as my GF says, and my self-respect. I would hate to lose this ground, but I would like to have my say. I also do not want to feed his ego by contact. I'd say already overblown, but I could see his insecurities. He used to care a lot what I thought of him (not sure now), but if so what I have to say would not feed his ego. I'm not sure how I would take no response or returned mail. I don't hear from him now, so I think fine, but yes silence hurts. If he responded meanly that would suck, and I know there is no way he would apologize!
May 2 - 1AM
Kitty02 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Noooooooo please don't send

Noooooooo please don't send it, why feed his ego. Think about what you would really want to get from this, what outcome do you really want???? Be honest with yourself. Why do you want to contact him again???Is it really closure that you want or just contact??? I've been where you are hun and the only reason I wanted to tell my PDmen about themselves is because I wanted contact or validation. Well you defiantly won't get validated with one of these nitwits. I don't know what you are looking for in this but if you are REALLY done with him you can't have contact. I don't know your story but if he is a PDman then all you will be doing is feeding his ego and he will know you are a option still. NC NC NC....Indifference.....indifference....indifference. Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart....what if he doesn't respond??? Stay NC and do something lovely for yourself or someone who deserves it.
May 1 - 5PM
Steph
Steph's picture

No. Don't send it. I have a

No. Don't send it. I have a strong suspicion, that even if you DID send it,....you won't get the "closure" you think this will give you. Honestly, many here, from what I have read, have sent a letter or said their peice in one way or another....and it did NOT help most. One of three things will happen: He ignores it and his lack of response will likely sadden you..... If he does respond with an "apology" you may start questioning if he is sincere and start missing him... and if he responds rudely....well that will hurt you too. Any which way, you aren't getting closeure and it'll likely set you back. That's just my opinion from experience and reading others experiences here. Ultimately, you will do what you feel is best. The fact that you are asking though, tells me you have some doubts/apprehension about doing it and you know the saying... DOUBT means DON'T. Good luck with whatever you decide:) xoxo
May 1 - 4PM
momoya
momoya's picture

No

Stay NC. Post your closure letter here. He can't give you anything -that you can't give yourself. all the best

momoya

May 1 - 2PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

No, he wont react or respond

No, he wont react or respond the way you are hoping so youll be caught in that cycle. did he get it, is his email working, why doesnt he respond. Its just going to hell in a handbag. Even if he reads it he will just take it as more supply and not get the points you want to make. hell tell your friends you are still obseesed with him. ignore ..... Take it from me, youll get more satisfaction standing in the rain without a coat on a rainy night. write it for you. remembering he is a shit.
May 1 - 2PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It was an odd sort of advantage...

Since I wasn't married to the ex-Psych prof, nor did I get romantically and/or sexually involved with him. I think when I broke NC, I felt a certain sense of entitlement because I *DIDN'T* have sex with him. If I had been intimate with him, I would've been far more gun shy, and a heckuva lot nicer. "My N was the silencing type"-Same here. I didn't give the ex-P a piece of my mind till after I moved... and it was through writing only. I know he DREADED going to the mailbox at work, at the college, because he found it a humiliating experience. The ex-P wouldn't listen to my concerns, my feelings, and this was between teacher&student! And he wants to act as if it didn't happen. If he were a year old poop-smearing toddler, I'd be lots more forgiving with him. When I wrote the closure back in '09, it was to deal LOTS of Narc injury. The ex-P was paranoid that I'd go to Massachusetts-so I bragged about going to Boston. He hated being mocked-he got mocked. He hated being compared to little kids-he got compared to my nephew *smirks* An N/P can act as if a marriage, friendship or romance didn't happen. But when it comes to teacher/student. It's on paper. It's in my transcript. The ex-P can't ever explain it away. I didn't mind that the ex-P didn't contact me, because I said I didn't expect ANYTHING from him, in the same way I don't expect ANYTHING from my baby nephew. I told him that he's unable to apologize for the same reasons that my baby nephew doesn't apologize after a night of screaming. He's IMMATURE. I even brought up the tantrum-throwing. It must've been CD for him... because it's quite a ways to go from declaring love to a person then telling them years later they have the emotional maturity of an infant.
May 1 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
Veronrose
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Susan wrote: "It must've been

Susan wrote: "It must've been CD for him... because it's quite a ways to go from declaring love to a person then telling them years later they have the emotional maturity of an infant. Hahaha Susan....CD at it's best!!! Love it!!
May 2 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Toddlers are enlightening

Having a baby nephew brought ME closure! Not to mention how cute and smart he is! He even shows some empathy&tries communication, which makes him SUPERIOR to the ex-P!!!! Very weird, considering the ex-P's father and my brother in-law have the same name (AND they both graduated from Harvard) Toddlers have VERY basic needs. They need to be bathed, fed, clothed, cuddled. The ex-P? When he told me he wanted me to hate&admire him simultaneously... I was confused. Profoundly confused. The ex-P NEEDS to make massive changes in his life... the only change my nephew needs is when he poops in his diaper. The ex-P would eat dust&gross stuff, he nibbled on pencils. My nephew is trying to eat normal food. The ex-P didn't like using utensils. My nephew is PROUD he can use a spoon! The ex-P uses books to escape from reality. My nephew tries to connect what he sees in books with what he sees in real life. The ex-P didn't like "dumb animals." My nephew loves animals. The ex-P's name is Hebrew for dog. My nephew looooves dogs. The whole concept of "Narc as toddler" came into focus as soon as I had a young 'un of my own. My nephew helped heal me. Besides, he's cute and I have ZERO expectations for deep philosophical discussion. Somehow, when I broke NC and told the ex-P he had the emotional maturity of an infant... it was BEFORE I read Lisa's blog post about Narcs as toddlers. So I found validation HERE!!!!
May 1 - 2PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Caligirl

I did on several different occasions, but once he returned my letter, where he wrote on the envelope, return to sender, refused, he must of gotten a big rush from that, pathetic, and when he did respond it was to spew all these hateful words and false accusations at me because he would never look within himself, do it if it makes you feel better and EXPECT NOTHING, but the closure it gives to YOU.You sound like you are over him anyway, otherwise I would say no.I like what Veronrose had to say espically, ZERO expectations on your part.
May 1 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

onwithmylife wrote: "once he

onwithmylife wrote: "once he returned my letter, where he wrote on the envelope, return to sender, refused, he must of gotten a big rush from that, pathetic" Ouch! owml, that must have REALLY hurt. :( But see? When he DID respond it was hateful and spiteful, so there WAS no closure. He was able to hurt you more. That is what I'm saying....There has to be complete and utter blocking once that letter is sent. And if they figure out some way to sneak in a response, in ANY fashion, it has to be deleted, torn up, burned, whatever, BUT NOT READ. That's why *I*, personally, cannot send another closure letter...because I KNOW that he will respond, and I'm still too weak to then NOT respond. I know, at this point, I will still try to keep the lines of communication open. So, for me, I'm not seeking closure....YET. I'm just doing my best to stay NC, and I think I will find closure within myself, in time.
May 1 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Veronrose

YOU are smart and insightful, you will get closure on your own terms. I sent the narc a nice Easter card a month ago, do not ask me why, and got nothing back, do not ask me what I was expecting? a response I imagine. I have to hit my head against the proverbial brick wall a million times before I SEE the light, Closure time for me!!! BY BY 15 freaking years of my life!!!!Well at least I am laughing, how is that for closure!!!!I understand why you should not send any more closure letters, nor will I, it is like a slow, prolonged torture instead of wacking off the limb and be done with it!i have to get over my obsession with having the LAST WORD, over and done with that concept, a life lesson for me...........
May 1 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

OWML, I have SCARS on my

OWML, I have SCARS on my heart from hitting that proverbial brick wall!!!! We'll get through this girl, we will. We will see the light.....eventually. I'm looking forward to clearing the fog and seeing the light come through....just a glimmer will keep me going. Forget about the Easter card. You did it, it's done. When I do that kind of stuff, I try to learn from my feelings...I beat myself up until I convince myself that what's done is done...it's out of my hands....nothing I can do about it....nope...no going back. But more importantly, there's no going back for him. He lost a treasure in you. I love this board. My kids were with their grandparents today so I had so much time to sit here and just post, post, post. Feels good!! xoxox V
May 1 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Veronrose

YOU are a kindred spirit of mine, love you and hugs!!!
May 1 - 4PM (Reply to #16)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

Love you too OWML!!! Kindred

Love you too OWML!!! Kindred spirits we ARE!!!! xoxoxox Veronrose
May 1 - 2PM
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Only If It Makes You Feel Better!!

and that's the end of it. After we broke up, the N and I continued to email once a day until I decided to limit it to once a month. He was getting involved with someone new and I didn't want to hear about it - it still hurt. The once a month lasted only one month as he decided to cut me off to give his full attention to girl friend per his email. I gave it several day's thought and decided I needed the closure of telling him in a few sentences what I thought of our RL and his treatment of me. And told him I would not accept any contact him nor would I be contacting him. So far, so good!! Be sure to go with your gut feeling. And it doesn't matter if he does delete your email, you have told him what you needed and wanted to.
May 1 - 1PM
dihann
dihann's picture

hmmmm

I did, but only because it did bring closure for ME. I wanted to be perfectly clear why I dumped his ass. It wouldn't of done any good to do it in person since in the past when I would try and bring up things I thought needed addressing I would be screamed at and threatened with the termination of our relationship. He just didn't care, so after much angst I decided to end it. Few weeks later, sent him a letter. He never called or anything, which I knew he wouldn't, since he never really cared. I was the one keeping it together. I think if you do it with the intention of never ever reading or contacting him again, it can work. It's been over 5 years now with absolutely no contact on my part. I have received a lot of hang up unknown phone calls, but that's about it. Good luck.
May 1 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

dihann wrote: "I think if you

dihann wrote: "I think if you do it with the intention of never ever reading or contacting him again, it can work." That is exactly my point in my post below. Di, you have 5 years with absolutely NC!?!?! WOW...that is so great!!! :)))))
May 1 - 1PM
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

Caligirl

Ok, here is how I feel about closure letters/emails/texts. I ONLY think it's healing, if, like KauiGirl, you are ABSOLUTELY doing it to totally end the relationship. This is going to take a lot of honesty on your part, because if it's done with even a smitherene of hope that it will get him to return to you, respond to your letter, or otherwise pursue any other kind of contact with you, it is for the absolute WRONG reason. I've sent those "closure" emails/texts so many times it's riciculous. And EACH time, I KNEW I wasn't "closing" anything. It was a desperate attempt for me to get him to respond, and yes, he did, and then I did, and then he did, etc etc, so closure never happened. So, my advice is not to do it until you do a LOT of soul searching, and then, you must, MUST, close the door. And that means erasing EVERYTHING about him from your life....FULL AND COMPLETE TOTAL NC....deleting every email, VM, text, and blocking him from EVERYTHING, social networks, phone, email, etc. If you are 110% sure that you can do that, then sure, go ahead, give him your last say. Otherwise, don't, because closure will NOT happen, and that letter will mean nothing (just like none of mine did). This is just my opinion on the whole "closure Letter" topic. xoxo V
May 1 - 1PM
Used
Used's picture

caligirl

no, it defeats the object nc is the way to get closure, this opens doors writing letters to them write it to us. just had a thought nc, could also stand for no closure.
May 1 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

He'll read it and follow up

He'll read it and follow up with More D&D. Write it and Post it here or yep, Burn it. Hunter
May 1 - 12PM
Swan
Swan's picture

Write the letter...

then burn it. Have a ceremony or something just don't send it to the N. DON'T DO IT!!
May 1 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

In my own opinion, my closure

In my own opinion, my closure was realizing that he was a narc. By NC, I started my closure. When I jumped off of his merry go round, my closure. When I quit playing his game, that was my closure.
May 1 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

Very well said, that's how I

Very well said, that's how I am feeling. When I realized he was a narc I was ready to move on (usually I have a really hard time of letting go, so I am surprised too) Sometimes I contemplate telling him what I think about him, especially now that he's started contacting me but I am always thinking that it will harm me more than him.