Shocked at my reaction

I have happily reached the 12 month mark....2nd March it was a year since Trotters did me the favour of leaving...the most wonderful thing he did for me. And very shortly I will be a year NC...

Today, I had to pick up a colleague who happens to live in the same road as Trotters. The thought crossed my mind that it would be good to get my colleage to meet me at the end of the road. It is not a through road, so turning in would mean driving straight passed his house and then turning around.

So, I felt ok, things are different now...very very different and I am a new woman. I did notice the Trotters vehicle of doom and destruction was parked on his driveway and realised he was working at home. This is the closest I have been to him in a year....I felt a slight wobble, a bit sick but my colleage got in the car and off we went. I didn't give it another thought...I was proud of myself and engaged in the rest of my day....all was good.

When our meeting ended, I travelled back with my colleage...the rain was coming down in torrents. So I said I would drop him at his door. As I have pulled into the road, Trotters is SAT IN HIS CAR, with the lights on and engine running. I looked at him and he looked at me. You have to travel slow down this street as it is narrow and there are many parked cars.

I dropped my colleague off, turned around and thought, you know what, he will be gone by now, clearly he is on his way somewhere. But NO...he is sat on the drive still, this time I don't even look at him. Stick my nose in the air, flick my hair and pretend to be speaking on handsfree, even through in a fake laugh lol!!!

I swang out of his road onto the main carriage way and had an inward chuckle. Then, in the rearview mirror, there he is. At the lights, I turn right, and he remains there. As the lights which I think he will disappear, he remains behind me. Then the panic set in....it appeared he was tailing me. I absolutely bricked it. Stomach started, the panic feelings...total and utter sickness. I cried...phoned my best friend who didn't answer bless her and I am still stalking her now like a crazy lady (!) and posting here as I am soooo confused. I decided to adopt a different route to try and lose him clearly I am now in total and utter spin mode. I lost him at the next set of lights and took the long route home, although he knows where I live. He hasn't appeared yet and I am sure he won't. Thank God he has no idea how I am feeling...and more to the point I looked pretty damn good today!!

So - I am sooo shocked by my reaction. The coincidence of seeing him....I know I could have taken steps to avoid it but after a year I feel good, I felt I could deal with it. My physical reaction however told me different...it triggered the fear, the panic and the hurt and I am how obviously a target for hoovers. I am very surprised by how this has made me feel...I didn't think for one minute I would react this way...I feel like I have taken a massive step backwards.

Indifference is a blissful place, when you don't see them. I am thinking I may have some more work to do before I will feel it totally...do we ever get to a place where we can handle seeing them?

Your advice and comments, as always are appreciated x