The Shiny Brightness Of It All

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#1 Sep 9 - 10AM
voice of reason
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The Shiny Brightness Of It All

The thing that really gets me about the N's that have come into my life is that they somehow seem brighter, shinier and larger than life as compared to others. It's almost as if you start getting addicted to these people because they seem to have cornered the market on charm.

Hanging around your "normal" friends almost seems drab and boring after spending time around an N. When N's aren't caught in their little dramas they seem to have this magical talent of making everything fun and making you feel like you are incredibly interesting and important. No wonder some of us attract these people over and over again. It's because their charm is very hard to resist. Even if you have had a bad patch with them, sometimes their charisma is so powerful that you get sucked right back in despite knowing better.

I am an "empath". And to me, one of the most puzzling things of all is that while empaths truly care about others they don't get nearly the regard or adulation that an N who only pretends to have empathy for others gets. Not that it is important to get that attention, but I always marvel that the "faux care and concern" wins people over way more readily than the genuine article. And that causes a lot of trouble because if the N is playing games, you end up in the crazy making role of them painting you to be the bad guy, while making themselves seem like martyrs. It's a very exhausting and soul defeating experience!

Sep 11 - 12PM
MandyM
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My ex is incredibly

My ex is incredibly charismatic. Even as you know he's a little too intense and see the bad sides of him, he still draws you in and wins you over. It's amazing.
Sep 10 - 7AM
into the light
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Actually, I'm trying to

Actually, I'm trying to reframe the shiny bright excitement. He did seem to glow (as Sheridan says) and seemed larger than life and as if he could make things happen - that was alluring, exciting. But wasn't it all talk in the end? Talk, talk, talk. Didn't he just spend hours on the sofa watching TV or on the internet? Wasn't he always tired? Wasn't he, let's face it, BORING? I'm going to focus today on this. He would hate to be thought boring.
Sep 11 - 11AM (Reply to #11)
voice of reason
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I hear you Into the Light

You bring up an excellent point, sometimes Ns really are boring but it takes us a long time to figure that out. With my N SIL we live a little over an hour away. They maybe come to see us once or twice a year and we have a lovely home in a great area with lots of great restaurants, summer festivals, and things to do. Instead we are always expected to make the trip up to see them, where they too have a lovely home, but live in an area where the restaurants are marginal, and the dive bars are plentiful and the same old tiresome dramas play out with them and their group of friends. But because they are so charming and make everything seem larger than life, it has taken a while to get my husband to see how tiresome it all is. But he is seeing now, and seeing with a vengeance LOL.
Sep 9 - 3PM
Susan32
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City of Emptiness

The ex-Psych prof lives in New Mexico, so this story is fitting: http://io9.com/5838171/what-will-go-on-in-the-center Researchers have built a huge fake city in the New Mexican desert. On the surface, it looks like a REAL city... but nobody lives there. It simply exists for research. It's a ghost town. This fake city reminds me of the ex-P. A beautiful, shiny, well-polished facade... but it contains NOTHING and NOBODY.
Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
voice of reason
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The emptiness of it all

Hey Susan32, It's hard to fathom that emptiness isn't it? And how panicky they get when they brush up against that emptiness. And how that will never change no matter how many times you get tricked into believing it could. That was one thing with DH. He is a peaceful person and really wanted to believe she turned the corner. Oddly enough though, instinctively he had the best "handle" on her all along. I had to read like crazy these last few months to catch up and understand. Finally he and I got to a point where we could really talk about it and I said that we really need to just give up hope because it would be a lot less stressful. Sure when you give up hope it too is stressful, but not nearly as stressful as repeatedly dashed hopes!
Sep 10 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
Susan32
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Touching the Void

The ex-Psych prof's emptiness makes my Narc grandmother and former Narc boss look like sane, multi-dimensional people in comparison. The ex-P claimed interest in Wittgenstein and "War and Peace",but I got the silent treatment if I brought up those subjects. Usually, a self-proclaimed expert TOUTS their expertise. Rachael Ray sees herself as a great cook-she flaunts it. Robert Verdi sees himself as a great designer-he flaunts it on his reality show. The ex-P did the OPPOSITE. He's like that empty research city in New Mexico. Researchers will project their own ideas/projects onto that site, since it doesn't have its own identity.
Sep 9 - 3PM
greengirl91
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Yes, this is exactly true.

Yes, this is exactly true. Many if not all Narcs, are almost hyperactive and intense, and that`s part of "the charm". But you see, it`s all an illusion. I think about my Narc like The Wizard of Oz. When you think you`ve found him, there`s just another illusion. A fantasy world to attract Dorothyes like us, in it. They suck the life out of you, just like vampires. And however much we would care for them, never forget what they really are: cold hearted people.
Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
voice of reason
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Hey Greengirl91

Funny you mention Wizard of OZ. Whenever I talk about my SIL to my husband I call her world Planet (her name inserted here...lol to protect the not so innocent). It's really a helpful analogy imagining them coming from some other land ;>
Sep 9 - 11AM
Sparrow
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The difference between a

The difference between a normal person and a narc is what you just said...........normal people are "boting" in comparison. It's very strange, the abilities they have over people. BUT, remember, they only have that ability over people like us......not the entire population. They are master puppeteers!~
Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
voice of reason
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True Sparrow!

I mentioned to the DH last night that his sis reminds me a little of Vito Corleone. And I do imagine the puppeteer drawing on the cover of the book when I think of all of that LOL
Sep 9 - 10AM
spinning
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VOR, great observation

and quite true. They're masters at their game. They're blank slates, mirrors of those around them which is why we are so dazzled. They mirror the good qualities of those around them they wish they could have and reflect them back to their 'captivated' audience. Here's what I've discovered, Voice, though, and it's really really great. I have met two very charming, funny, delightful, fun and interesting men who are not PD! They are out there! I think that since the disordered relationship taught me so much about narcissists, my empath skills have been even finer tuned. I can now sense the real deal from the illusion and it's outstanding! I never, ever thought this would happen--that there could be so much fun and joy without chaos and confusion!!! I'm only writing this to remind myself and everyone here that the 'technicolor world' the N's create doesn't return to black and white without them. There are amazing, fun, interesting, charming, gentlemanly, HOT non-disordered men out there and once we're free of the disordered hell, room opens up in our lives to let the real ones in! Hugs to you Voice. I am so glad you will not longer participate in an exhausting and soul destroying experience! Keep the bar high! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. THE SICK FREAK TRIED REALLY REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN'T TAKE ME DOWN

spinning

Sep 9 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
voice of reason
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Spinning

Thank you so much for your kind response. It felt like someone putting a warm blanket on my shoulders on a very cold morning ;> Actually I am one of the lucky ones...I have an empath husband. It's his sister that is tearing their family apart and making things weird and miserable for everyone. She is so good at collecting an entourage and making herself look like a victim, when oddly enough she has about the best lifestyle of anyone I know. My DH's parents are elderly and just worn out and earlier this year the SIL tried making inroads between my husband and I. This board is great because everyone at some level "knows the score" and it's easy to identify with others issues. I've gotten some great insights on how to frame this so it doesn't drive me quite as crazy LOL