Waiting for Sun to Come Out

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#1 September 6, 2017 - 10:34am

Waiting for Sun to Come Out

Thanks so much to everyone for sharing these experiences. It’s so comforting to know I’m not alone in dealing with this devastating pain. I was with my ex-narc for 4.5 years romantically (he broke up with me three times in horrific ways), and 3 years as friends until last October (he has two children that I bonded with, esp. after the mother abandoned them after losing custody to my ex).

The relationship was incredibly abusive, but I didn’t see it until I was out of it. He did everything someone with NPD could. The first 7 months were perfect. Then, after a small argument over a parking space, he withdrew his affection permanently, and constantly made me work for his love. He was always threatening to leave. My days were filled with him testing my loyalty, tantrums, him creating drama, self-inflicted crises, fights, insults, pressure to have sex. He was bottomless in need for attention, and he could never be challenged. Always present was the seething anger and negativity. When I tried to set boundaries, but he would tell me I was invalidating him. At one point, he coerced me to go to his therapist, who told me never to walk away and to always listen to him, because he felt abandoned (he’s been with this therapist for depression and anger management for 15 years at this point. Not NPD).

Fast forward, he dumped me on New Year’s Day, about 3 years ago. I tried to be friends for the kids, who were showing signs of trouble. He dates online like crazy seeking relationships and was always telling me when he had a new girlfriend (they never lasted more than 6 months). He never missed a chance to gloat. At the same time, he would tell me how ideal I was for him and ask why I hadn’t moved on (that really hurt).

Last September 2016, he pulled the trigger and asked me back. He said I was the most desirable, loyal woman he ever met. I him gave no answer. Within a week, he was showing old signs of lack of compassion, and I told him I just couldn’t do it or even be his friend if he was going to be so selfish. He said, if I was going to put up a stink about it, he would stop, but felt I was bullying him. I walked away anyway. I never heard from him again. No apology. No "Let me make it right." I discovered he moved on within a few weeks to another woman – with incredible speed and intensity. He’s 53. I can’t help but wonder if he’s changed for her, or if she’s cracked the code and loves him better. Did I just not get him? After being almost 10 years in his life, I’ve met some of his family, all of his colleagues, friends, neighbors. The new woman hasn’t (he’s lost many of his friends), but not even a year in, she did meet his mother (who he hates), which still stung.

The kids, now 16 and 18, can’t stand to be around him, and have recently left his house (daughter’s going to college to a far location by choice, son blames father for ruining his life and ran away to live with the mother). I heard in May he got a permanent STD (no idea how that happened, but the girlfriend is still with him). Still, with no closure, I can’t help but wonder with the kids gone, if they will have this perfect happy life together. I imagine them living this blissful life wrapped up in each other’s world, etc. I beat myself up, wondering if I should have stuck around. I know it’s crazy, but after almost a year of No Contact, it’s just such a painful struggle. As I try to recover, I have to admit I wrestle with these feelings and the shame nearly each day. So that's my story thus far. I’m desperate for the sun to come out, and want to fight for my happiness.