They always come back, 20 yrs later!!!!

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#1 January 10, 2017 - 12:11pm

They always come back, 20 yrs later!!!!

Today is the day of starting NC!! The last 5 months have sucked the life out of me. I finally realized he is an overt somatic narcissist. He was my first love, dated when I was 16-20. The relationship ended terribly and within a yr of breaking up he was married. I never saw him or spoke again until 20 yrs later, thanks to Facebook. He reached out through messenger on my 40th birthday. I should of never responded but I did. His timing couldn't of been better for him. I was separated from my husband after 13 yrs of marriage and he just happened to be getting divorced. The messaging turned into talking on the phone and that turned into meeting face to face. We live 12 hrs away from one another but he is still in my hometown and I go back a few times a yr to see friends. The meeting was surreal. And immediately old feelings surfaced. Before I knew it I was in over my head. I returned home and the relationship got more intense. He wanted to see me again. So five wks later I returned. That was the beginning of the D&D. He got what he wanted. But he had manipulated me into thinking that he needed space because he was just getting out of a terrible marriage with a crazy women. Then hovering started and hasn't stopped. But I can't do it anymore. He knows me so well and what buttons to push because of our history. Sending old photos and screenshotting old songs. And meanwhile, I know he's got a harem of ladies. I know I'm probably one of his greatest supplies, I've made it easy on him because of the long distance and knowing him for so long. I woke up today and said no more! He literally has every single trait, it is mind blowing. I really hope some of the younger girls read this, the ones getting out of their first love relationships and hoping they will come back someday a changed person. They don't, if anything they are worse. And the fog is worse because you think they are back to be with you after all these yrs and they have so much control of bringing up good times from the past. So be prepared 10-20 yrs from now and don't respond!!!

February 4, 2017 - 10:10am

I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry that you're still in communication with him.
I basically called mine out on everything in an email, he replied being very defensive and said that if I wanted to keep going back and forth he would... I never responded.
He sent me a LinkedIn request a couple of times and I never responded.
We have mutual friends, so I know that he's married now to that lady- it's all just so crazy!! It's like a nightmare that I can never wake up from. I'm not sure if he'll try again someday? One thing I remember him saying during our last conversation that has always "stuck" out was he had always thought I was destined to do something great- and he said I can't wait to see what you're doing in 5 years. At the time it didn't register because that was the same conversation that he had said he wanted to move to where I lived to be with me ... of course I wasn't thinking clearly.
It does bring some comfort knowing there's other people that have gone through similar things. I am here for you if you ever need to talk-
Thank you for the website, I will definitely check it out. Hugs.

February 4, 2017 - 1:28pm (Reply to #4)

Gonna really try....

I'm really going to try NC. It's been a full day. And like you, we have many mutal friends. He still lives where I grew up. Over the last six weeks of researching and going on other blogs, I know that I am totally an Empath. And for sure co dependent, as in wanting to take care of everyone else's happiness and not my own. And this is perfect for the Narc, it's what really gives him his fuel. But being who I am, I truly know why he is the way he is from his childhood. So naturally I want to fix him and be there for him. But I also finally realize he doesn't want help and never will change. He will always need more than 1 woman in his life and that's not something I want to be a part of. And that's so crazy your N did the future faking in 5 yrs. Mine did that but suggested 10 yrs because of my children's age. He told me he doesn't want the responsibility of my children, he has his own, what a sweetheart. I'm going to continue reading, journaling and going on that website I told you about. I'm getting stronger everyday, I truly feel it. Thanks for listening!! Hugs to you too:)

February 4, 2017 - 8:22pm (Reply to #5)

Be strong

Be strong I know it's difficult but try to stay NC- give yourself some time + space and you will see things more clearly.
It's crazy how similar our stories are even them both living in the same town as our family + friends.
I spent the first year learning as much as I could and trying to understand or make sense of what had happened- it turns out that educating ourselves is the best way to not fall victim again- knowledge really if power. The thing is there is no way to make sense of something that simply doesn't.
I had not a clue that these type of people existed- it still saddens me that this guy (my first love) is capable of such harm. I too am an empath... I understand the wanting to help and fix- that's what made us both such great supply. Never again.
Omg! I never thought of the timing of it all- my youngest was 13 when he made the 5 year comment- so fast forward 5 years she'll be 18. I wonder if he will try then? ... he clearly kept my info because of the LinkedIn requests. I deleted all of his. Lol.
The other interesting thing is the woman he married had one son that just graduated off to college and her other is this year. Plus she comes from money... I'm sure another bonus. She's also from the hometown so he was able to move out of his apartment right into her home- something he had always stressed that he had to "get out" of his apartment. The other sad thing is she was married (to her HS sweetheart) months before he proposed-- I don't know the details but I'm guesssibg he did to her what he did to me and she left her husband for him. This is all so insane ... it's like living in a Lifetime Movie. :(

It turns out I have been on that site before- really good info! Thanks again. There's a great playlist on YouTube by Thrive after abuse. If you haven't watched her playlist- it has some really great info.
Be strong!! xx

February 3, 2017 - 10:26pm

Yes they do ...

I wish I would have known. I just shared my story for the first time in over a year- my story similar to yours. HS boyfriend 'first love' contacted me on Facebook 24 years later - the biggest mistake of my life was opening the door when he knocked. I wished I would have known about these type of predators, and their sadistic games.

February 3, 2017 - 11:18pm (Reply to #2)

They are all the same!!!

Hi! I just read your story. So many similarities it's uncanny!! Especially, letting everything go. I couldn't function until we spoke that day. I also wasn't sleeping and lost 20 pds!! I swear they have some super power. Unfortunately, he has still not given me the complete discard and we still communicate. It's getting less and not as intense because of his new supply. But I know he'll come at me with a full Hoover again. It's so insane I'm in this position. I'm a smart, educated, mother, moral person. I thought I would never have affair either. But it was so easy with him. I'm struggling so badly because he was my first love and it was so special and now it feels so tarnished. And looking back, I believe he was becoming the narcissist when we were dating, it's all just so depressing. It's nice to share a story with someone that really understands, not many do. Also have you been to the website Go to it if you haven't. A full blown narcissist writes blogs and will answer questions. It has helped me soooo much to understand that it is them and not us. I'm around a lot if you ever need to talk or vent. It's really hard keeping all of it in:)

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