Sadistic narcissist triangle
Sadistic narcissist triangle
I can't believe I've been through this whirlwind of drama, comparable only to the latin telenovelas...
I'm 33, and a psychologist, by the way. I used to pride myself for being a very keen judge of character and usually first to spot behavioral red flags, where others were oblivious. Well, joke's on me.
It started when 2 months ago, my childhood best friend J. (33) has met a guy (27) online and it quickly became a huge deal - they met on okcupid, and immediately started texting, skyping etc (he lives in Lebanon, she lives in Switzerland). My best friend, who is normally a very sensible and cynical person, has quickly transformed into a head-over-hills school girl in love, her euphoric state both making me happy, yet a little surprised.
For the first 3 weeks it was bliss between them, and I was aware of every detail, because she and I are very close and tell each other everything. Then shestarted feeling slightly uneasy at times. She said he started to be display signs of being controlling and obsessive, sulking every time she can't devote 100% of her attention on their online chat, even if she had a good reason for that - (being at work, or with family). He started getting jealous when she announced she will go out with colleagues, he twisted things to appear like she is the bad one ignoring him, he told her he loved her and that he has been waiting all his life for the magical way he feels toward her. She forgave and ignored those little signs, until one night she had enough and told him that he cannot expect to control her. He responded by giving her a silent treatment, then after a few days of it, she wrote to him that they are over.
However, because my friend was so deeply in love with him, she was behaving like a drug addict in abstinence - she missed him like crazy, she was crying all the time, her work and health started to get affected too.... I watched her suffer for 2 weeks, during which she blamed herself for being too quick to dismiss him and thought that maybe she misjudged the situation and let her past insecurities and trust issues ruin her potential for real happiness.
I couldn't take it any more watching her suffer, so one day without her knowing, I decided that I will try and help get them back together. I wrote a thoughtful carefully worder letter to him and sent it on Facebook, basically saying that if he truly loves her, life is too short to waste time for pride, and that they should talk and resolve whatever conflict and misunderstandings they have between them, because what theyseemed to have is so rare and precious.
To my surprise, he immediately responded, thanked me profusely for being "so sweet and thoughtful and such a great friend" and asked me for my whatsapp, so we can discuss things first, as he had some questions for me about her. I agreed and we spoke on voice call that same evening. After about an hour and a half of talking and me being like some mediator spokes person defending my best friend and explaining to him why she reacted defensively etc, I felt drained. He kept on repeating how he was the one who felt rejected by her but in the end, agreed to contact her again and talk to her.By the conversation and what he alluded to, I gathered that he has some unresolved issues from his past too, that make him so insecure and trigger his abandonment and rejection issues. I felt for him. I really needed to help him too now.
I should have known something wasn't right even then...By the end of the conversation I was too emotionally invested in my naive mission to get them back together to notice that he complimented my voice, or tried to ask me questions about myself, instead of focusing on the topic at hand.
The next day he texted me on FB and when I asked him if he has decided to talk to her or not, he got a little offended that I was "only writing to him because of my friend, and that was the only reason".
I am a naturally strong empath and my profession has me treating people in distress in especially patient and mild manner, so that they feel reassured. So instead of what I would have normally responded to that "duh, of course that is the only reason", I was diplomatic and said that since he is my best friend's boyfriend, I consider him a new friend to me too, and that he can count on me for advice or help too from now on.
Long story short, he spoke with my friend, they got back together, however, he started to text me all the time...Like all the time, since early morning to late night. I told my friend and she was confused at first, but said "oh well, he deserves to have you as a friend too". However, little by little his behavior started to get out of the "casual friendly banter". He started to hint at me that he has started to feel things...emotionally, for me. Now, considering I was the reason why they got back together, and that my friend was happy, yet still quite insecure about him, I was conflicted on what the best course of action was - do I tell her he is hinting of starting to develop feelings for me, or do I keep on pretending not to notice, and stirring him to the right direction - her.
He was starting to become controlling with me too - he was lavishing me with attention, complimenting me, saying things like "I feel very emotional when I think of you" etc.I thought he was having a natural transfer of emotion towards me, being understanding and listening to him, giving him reassurance etc, so I decided it will pass and things will fall naturally into place between them.
When that didn't happen, I started to feel worse every day, because I couldn't help feeling guilty for not telling my friend about it, because at this point I was also afraid she might think that I have somehow invited this behavior, instead of stupidly ignoring it and hoping it would go away, like I was doing. I told him I could only be his friend, and he got offended that I even thought he might be trying to cheat on my friend, yet he kept on giving those mixed signals, until 2 days ago, when my friend (sensing he was too interested in me too) got a little colder to him, and he took that as rejection and suddenly grew freezing cold to her and told her they are over.
Then at the same time he openly told me he doesn't want to lose me, that he cares about me soooo much and he is feeling deep emotions for me that he is too afraid to admit yet. I thought that since he apparently didn't have anyone else to confide in, it would be cruel of me to ditch him as well. I felt horrible for my friend, but the bastard was so charming and lost, like a sad little boy with big eyes who needed my help, and felt lost.
I'm ashamed to say I was conflicted, because even though I didn't like how he treated my friend, part of me felt for him, sensing there was some pain deep inside of him, that I felt compelled to heal. Stupid female thinking, eh?
Well, my feeling of being torn with guilt caused me to start vomiting, and that is when I decided I will confront my friend and tell her about his secret confessions to me.
At this point, because me and my best friend know each other so well, there was alredy some tension between us, because she instinctively felt he was into me too, and I never confirmed it. So when I told her, she felt relieved that she wasn't crazy and we talked a lot, compared notes and found out he was using the same lines and mannerisms on me, as he did on her, telling me the same things he told her at the beginning. We have read a lot about naricisstic behavior patterns, and were not surprised to find how his behavior and actions since the very beginning were almost 100% like the behavioral patterns of a narcissist, except with sadistic tendencies of growing immediately cruel and cold at even the slightest word he didn't like and he perceived as an attack to him.
We eventually decided that the best course of action would be to immediately cut all contact with him, cold turkey. We simultaneously removed him from all social media, deleted his phone and skype etc.
However, despite everything...I can't help feeling like a tiny part of me misses him...Imagine that? I feel horrible for it.