Narc

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#1 September 10, 2017 - 11:08am

Narc

Back in the 80's at 14-15 years old I was in awe of a guy 30+ years older than me. He was a household name and very popular everyone loved him! You can imagine how happy I was when he started To talk to me. I was a wild child due to previous abuse! We had sex one night when I was 15 both drunk. Looking back he could see I was vulnerable. However we got together on a number of occasions after that he would pick me up in his car I would masterbate him then he would leave till the next time. I started to feel very uncomfortable with this and ignored his calls. years passed, then a note was put through my door from him. I wasn't sure what to do. As I still thought about him offen even if he had intimidated/abused? me ! It took a year for me to reply to that note and when I did meet him after all that time I fell headover heels in love with him and the sex was amazing I always knew we had no future due to the age gap but couldn't keep away. It was all about the sex and trying to figure him out! For him he wanted people to love him and couldn't understand why I never really idolised him the way other people or fans did,I always felt intimidated by him but was so drawn to him it felt like a crazy love, He would go on drink binges for weeks on end and I'd pick up the pieces. He had an estranged wife who for years would do the same go fill his freezer, clean his house etc! We would have great sex for years, well he always would prefer to be masterbated. We lived miles apart, When we parted company after being together and having this what I though was amazing sex he would only ever give me a wee kiss knowing I wanted more, I always wanted more, I think that's what he liked best, someone, anyone wanting him more. Near the breakdown of this relationship I started to question him about the past and his motives and started to resent him. I didn't like to be seen in public and always kept things very much behind closed doors mainly because of the age difference and have never like the attention! He was writing an autobiography that had taken years and I started to worry about being in it. When He gave me the first copy to read I told him his book was rubbish and could he not think of the people he was hurting. He could never understand why I cared for others feelings. Married woman being named and shamed he'd slept with and his poor estranged wife that he said he was only faithful to for two years. I really felt for them. We pretty much broke up after that. He also new I desperately did not want to be in the book. Skip 2-3 years and his book was out. I was all over it. Start, middle and end but he waits till the end to pull me apart. I was absolutely devastated and cried every day for about 3 years. He left the area he was living to a remote area out of touch with everyone he knew to start again. He knew he had to leave he was an old man now and had just stirred the biggest shit pile ! When I finally got his phone number he's said he was sorry and should have never done it! I wanted a more sincere apology. It never arrived. When I emailed him at times pouring my heart out he would give me mixed messages and once I replied with a bit of a rude emai he got some other people to reply, more embarrassment for me. The people were members of a church I herd he joined and got heavily involved in so turned to god!! Is that even possible? It's been ten years since that book and his death recently has brought back all the hurt he caused. People on Facebook and tv saying what a great guy, no sought about it he was a genius! With no emotions.. I feel lost and mostly in dispaire over the whole episode in my life that's torn me apart for so long. I should hate him but I don't seem to be able to....and never had another relationship. Writing this has been painful for me and that's only skimming the surface. If you bother to read thank you!