My Story, my obsession

March 2014- ran into my college ex boyfriend's brother who had just gotten out of state prison. Short version- burglary at 19- violated felony probation at 22-23 with an assault between him and his gf at the time- then escaped when the police brought him in for questioning. I was brainwashed to believe my husband never assaulted this girl until someone more recently who witnessed it came forward. Okay- two days into our friendship my mother called his PO and asked for him to not be allowed around me due to his criminal history- his PO made that a stipulation and my boyfriend went to prison for violating this stipulation. The whole time he was doing his 90 day violation I felt on top of the world- whaooo let me back up May 2014 he showed up at my house threatening to burn my house down and tried to bust my front door down because he was drunk and I stupidly told him to come home or I was going to be with another man- I played his game and I lost terribly. OK forward- he then violated for having contact with me even though we had contact secretly but because the police came it was known he was seeing me. While I prison I spent over $1000 on calls, packages, letters and he wined and dined me with words. He came out in Sept 2014 and we married the next day!!! A huge F-U to his PO and my mother. Days later my children's father another Narc. filed for full custody of our children because of my husband's criminal history. We went to court in 10/2014 and my husband was told he couldn't have contact with my children- so now we were faced with family court problems and him still not being allowed around me because of Parole. I ended up preg. Our first Christmas- in hind sight a disaster, I Had family staying the night and I was a whore, and prior to that I realized I am not allowed FB, he made me get rid of it, I wasn't allowed to talk to my children's father because he ruined our chance at being a family according to my husband, everyday I was called fat, pig, smelly, whore, slut. I couldn't keep up with his needs. We couldn't live together yet I paid sitters to watch my children to I could succumb to his needs, financially, emotionally and sexually. My husband was in foster care at age 7 and in and out of homes, state institutions until 16 where I met him when I dated his brother- who physically and mentally abused me beyond belief. But my husband at age 16 was infatuated with me, he was in love with his older brother's gf and reminded me that he didn't wait 11 or 12 yrs to finally be with ME...I was his forbidden fruit- his world!! ahhh, violation #2 came, he went back for being seen with me out to eat- he wined and dinned me with letters and I again kept him happy while incarcerated. He would send me letters that would melt your heart. Came out and was back on GPS and parole and soon after I delivered our baby, the baby that was supposed to be his redemption child, the one that mattered. When the baby was 3 months old he went back to do a violation and maxed out in Feb 2016. Since he came out we were going to fight family court, but he started smashing my belongings, physically assaulting me and rumors were flying around he had an affair on me with a junkie, like no judgment obviously but I am a BSN level RN and a well known and liked individual and have an amazing career. So both court dates got canceled because of his anger outbursts, we would start to build back up and boom, he would call the police on me and say I stole his things and the police would tell me to stay away from him he isn't stable they have known him since he was young and his is dangerous. Just before thanksgiving this year- I found out he had a "dope sick" incident and he cheated- he says just one time and he cried about it said he cheated his love for me and his baby to end our marriage because of all the pain my mother and my children's father and family court caused us. Well then he hit me AGAIN 6th time in 6 months while driving and I finally had him arrested! It was a huge breakthrough for me. EXCEPT he has been on the run since from the police, trafficking drugs living like a king he claims, sends me pictures and tries to make me jealous. Christmas eve he asked me to meet him- I did so and he said he was never going to let a man treat me like he treated me and he was going to build me a house and take care of me forever- I told him if he wanted to be with me to just get us out of our state where we can rebuild our lives. he then says to be I never said I want to be with you or any other woman I need to fix me he said. Then said I have business to take care of with his "boy" a dealer I assumed and said he would sneak away to see our daughter for Christmas- that was 10pm. as he was getting out of the car, he said I love you multiple times, told me NOT to blow up his phone and if I did he would respond accordingly and then asked to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him more than ever- but I didn't I was shocked. At 20 of midnight I get a text that the police searched his mom's house for him and it was my fault, to forget about him, don't ever let his child know about him and to move on.
for 2.5 years I have tried to understand what is wrong with me- why can't I make him happy, why can't I be this woman for him...?? He used to call me 100x a day to make sure I was okay, or if we fought he would obsess over me while I would freak out and ignore him and his craziness to him being off parole ignoring me, not attending to my needs or emotions, then he got crazy this summer/fall with suicide threats and I had to involve the law as his suicide threats were very detailed and as a professional I couldn't risk them being reality. I need help- but cannot take time from my profession and life outside of work so decided to look to this forum for guidance- a chance to be heard. I know I am leaving things out but this is it in a nut shell.

PS since the last incident of him hitting me- I was advised by someone of statue that he molested a child when he was 17 living in a home as like a respite case and while incarcerated was caught extorting a handicap inmate for sexual favors. I don't know if there is truth behind it however the source is reliable. My children's father also is telling me my husband cheated on me all the time and is too trying to hurt me so I take him back as well. Whether my husband cheated or not- marriages get over infidelity sometimes, my safety, sanity and soul is compromised with this man and I am obsessed with why can't he just love me??