My Story

We started dating almost 2 years ago at summer camp. He told me he liked me after an evening conversation where I encouraged him to get closure from his ex who was still very hurt by their breakup. He lied to me about how it had ended and how long it had been since they ended. Things moved very fast. We said I love you during the first month, and he was sleeping over and fooling around within the weekend. He wrote love notes and sent sweet texts. Things were isolated and judged from the beginning. When camp ended (about 3 months later) the emotional distance started. We didn't go on as many dates, and the love letters stopped. I would hint at missing the romance, ask for dates, and share that I felt like he didn't care as much as he did before. He would apologize and promise to change, but any change (if at all) didn't last. Looking at this now, I think that this was the beginning of the devaluation. It was also the beginning of the fighting. I can't really remember the cause of any of our fights. I have a temper (developed from abuse from my father as a kid) and yelled and swore. He stonewalled and refused to talk. He said it was because of my yelling, but even when I maintained my cool, he was still shut down. The coldness hurt. I felt unheard, unvalued and invalidated in my feelings. He called me abusive and even ended things once a year into our relationship, only for us to get back together a month later. I sought professional help for my anger, paying to see a counselor even though I didn't have an issue with anger anywhere else in my life.
I read Lundy Bancroft's book about abusive men and think he fits into the category of the Water Torturer and the Victim. I was there to stoke his ego, make him feel better after we fought and support him with anything he needed. I can't remember a fight that ended with him comforting me, I was always comforting him even if I was the one who brought up hurt in the first place. He would storm out, leave me places and refuse to talk if things weren't going his way.
I sacrificed dreams, goals, friends and family for him. Committing to leaving the city where I had gotten my first teaching job out of college to follow him to grad school.
He ended things about 2 months ago now. It was out of the blue much like the first. We had taken a nap together, and he left to do homework. I had felt the familiar distance between us for a few days, so I followed him out to tell him how I felt. I told him (anger free but passionately) that I felt like he didn't want to be there and didn't care about me. That I was giving and never getting. He ended it then. Unable to explain why other than to say that he wasn't happy with me anymore and that he didn't love me anymore.
I was angry and heartbroken.
The last few weeks have been horribly filled with doubt. I somehow keep blaming myself. I am afraid it is my fault and that I was the abuser like my father was to me. He hasn't been able to acknowledge any part in our relationship falling apart and all communication after the fact as been hostile and hurtful.
His ex and I have developed a relationship. Our stories are almost identical. He just used different tactics with the both of us. He has taken to spending all free time with a group of guys he couldn't stand when we were together. He said he didn't know if he wanted to be friends with them anymore, and now spends all time with them. He has posted pictures on Instagram (which he RARELY did while we were together...let alone anything about me) about how thankful he is for great friends. They replied with their show of support. What would he possibly need support with? He left me! And why all the sudden social media use? When he claimed to "never use it" while we were together. He avoids me in public. I feel like I am going insane.