Is my bf really a narcissist

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#1 July 7, 2017 - 10:29am

Is my bf really a narcissist

I am 7 days into no contact. He was starting his Silence treatment to me. I found on FB where he was messaging a female saying he was looking for new friends. I sent him a message saying it was over and he has not tried to contact me.
I'm not proud to say that I have been in this relationship for 13 years. 3 of the years we lived together. Then one of the many times he started a fight over me going to see my grandkids. I moved out. He had another lady ready to step in. He married her in 3 weeks. He contacted me again in 3 months and talked me into believing he had made a mistake and really loved me. For 10 years he has lied to me about everything when the truth was better than the lie.
I have been reading and trying to find out everything I can about narcissist. So much I find is like they are talking about him.
Right now my emotions are telling me maybe I'm wrong maybe he really does love me. How could he be so loving to me and not really love me.
From everything I've read he will try to contact me again. I know I have to stay strong and not respond to him at all. But my heart wants to hear from him so bad.
I know I'm rambling but there's so much going on in my mind I can't think straight.
Thanks for listening

July 8, 2017 - 12:55am

You can't think straight...

....because he has brainwashed you to feel like you're losing your mind. Of course you want to hear from him. That's normal. Don't fight that. Just control how you respond to that feeling and that is what matters. The longer you remain NC, the easier it will be to stay away from him. You know he's toxic for you and you need to deprogram from him. You can do this. We are here for you, Judie. XO

July 8, 2017 - 7:37pm (Reply to #17)

you can't think straight

One more day down and NC.
Thank you for the support. It helps to know I'm not the only one to go through this

Judie

July 7, 2017 - 10:15pm

Judie13years...

Welcome... I'm proud you are remaining no contact, it is so important if you want to move forward. When you say, "I know I have to stay strong... but my heart want to hear from him..." it reminded me so much of myself when I was breaking free. Many of us have these conflicting thoughts and feelings and its such a difficult struggle to deal with; we can help you sort it all out. Please try to stay strong, continue to read as much as you can as educating ourselves about the narcissist is key to recovery. We are here for you and we're listening; you can lean on us.

FeFe

July 8, 2017 - 7:45pm (Reply to #2)

Fearless

I'm reading and rereading everything I can. I made it one more day with NC.I ffeel better each day. I know the test will be when he tries to contact and from everything I've read he will at some point try.
Thank you for the support.

Judie

July 8, 2017 - 9:25pm (Reply to #3)

Great job, Judie...

This is great on reading all you can, and you're right, when and if the "hoover" happens, where he tries to make contact, expect the struggle to be there. I would make a self-care contract with myself to reach out here or with a trusting friend, INSTEAD of answering his call, text or others means of trying to connect with you for "supply". We are here to help. Congrats on another day of NC ... Soon you'll be counting the weeks ... Stay strong, my dear.

FeFe

July 9, 2017 - 2:32pm (Reply to #4)

Great job

I made it one more day without him trying to contact me. But knowing he will try to contact me and that fear not knowing when is scaring me.
I really appreciate your encouraging words. I can't tell my family about this. I have a couple friends I can talk to but, they can't really understand what I'm talking about.

Judie

July 9, 2017 - 7:26pm (Reply to #5)

Judie... I hear you on the fear

I understand your fear of the call or contact, truly. It's a good idea to plan your response to him, if you have to answer or have to see him. Ideally, you want to block him and not give him any response at all. I know for me, I worked in a shop in town, and with it being a public place, I was so fearful of him walking in the door. The advice that was given me, was to just appear as neutral or indifferent as possible. I was told if he came in, to just calmly tell him to "get out". No other words, no actions, just "get out" in a calm but firm voice. If he tried to engage in conversation, just keep repeating, "get out" Thank goodness he never came in, although he has driven by my workplace several times, came to my house when I wasn't here, and performed other methods of contact. The less contact you have with them, no replying, no responding, it's hopeful they will eventually go away. It's wise coming here to talk as we all have a pretty good idea of what you are going through. We just "get it" and even family and friends that love you dearly, that have your best interest at heart, may still not completely understand what's happened. You are safe here to say whatever you need to talk about. I'm glad you made it another day without him trying to contact you. That's a blessing.

FeFe

July 11, 2017 - 8:53am (Reply to #6)

I hear you

I have tried to prepare myself for when/if he tries to call me. I've changed his ring tone so it doesn't bring up good memories and I read and reread everything. I keep telling myself that he never loved me.
Right now I'm just numb fighting any good memories I still have of him.
Today I just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. It's been 10 days since I've had contact.

Judie

July 11, 2017 - 9:25am (Reply to #7)

Judie... take care..

Yes, take care of you today. We all have those moments of wanting to hide under the covers and I did do that many times. There would be weekends that as soon as I left work and got home it was PJ's and bedtime... would stay there the entire weekend. I couldn't do this often, due to being prone to depression and that routine was prime for allowing depression to get the best of me. I think it is ok to let our mind/body/spirit rest as the stress of toxic relationships takes such a serious toll on our system. I like that you have changed your ringtone, this is good self-protection, self-care on your part. One thing Lisa taught me when I was so down and out, missing him and fighting with cognitive dissonance, was to assign a new "name" to him to help disassociate. My ex-narcs name was "crackhead"... nothing about that is desirable... ha. It truly helped me to break free and find my way back; move forward. I think you're doing just fine and right where you are suppose to be at the moment. Hang in there, dear. Hugs!

FeFe

July 11, 2017 - 12:00pm (Reply to #8)

fearless

I can't figure out how to PM. I can read yours but I don't know how to reply

Judie

July 11, 2017 - 3:02pm (Reply to #9)

Lisa E. Scott, question about PM...

Thank you, Judie. I'll have to check with Lisa and ask her if there is something we need to do special in order to message each other. I appreciate you bringing this up. Hopefully she will be able to help us figure this out!

FeFe

July 12, 2017 - 12:50pm (Reply to #10)

One more day NC

13 days with NC. I would like to say I'm feeling stronger but I'm not. I am finding I'm liking not having to begin available to him when ever he wants me.

Judie

July 13, 2017 - 12:34am (Reply to #11)

you are doing well...

...two weeks now... that's great! You don't always have to feel strong, it is ok to "just be". Taking it one day at a time, like you are doing, is a really good plan. You have two weeks behind you, and you are noticing already there are benefits with freedom, not having to be available to him. That's progress. It's also a sign you are taking your power back and now can start discovering what you want, who you are, without interference. What wonderful new things will you add to your self-care plan for the next two weeks?

FeFe

July 14, 2017 - 3:28pm (Reply to #12)

Help

I woke up this morning after dreaming of the N . I wanted to talk to him. But I kept reinforcing that he never really loved me. The day was getting better and then he sends me a text saying Oops sorry. I did not reply,! This is the first time since I went NC (14) days.
I just want to run away

Judie

July 15, 2017 - 8:13am (Reply to #13)

Judie...grand stand!

I am so glad you stood your ground and did not reply; I get the wanting to run away and hide as a reaction from his "accidental" text. Trust me, he knew what he was doing. If at all possible, block his number. You see how having contact with him, just reels you back into the pain? This is what they want; it's supply, they don't care if you love and adore them or if you hate and despise them, as long as they get a reaction, it feeds their weak ego and provides them with supply. Hopefully you are showing him with your lack of response, that the "supply" store has sold out! He needs to go shop elsewhere. Now is the time to truly take back your power, and take control of your own well-being. It's probably no doubt one of the hardest things you will encounter, but from experience, as time passes you will see it is the most important thing you will have ever done for yourself. Cut all ties with him, focus on yourself, learn all you can (as I see you doing) about narcissism, and here's the key. Accept that he has an INCURABLE personality disorder, you can't fix him, accept there is loss due to that relationship; grieve it, and accept that you have a beautiful new life ahead and it will take diligence on your part to work through all of this, just keep the faith; stay the course; and KNOW in your heart of hearts that you are doing what is best for YOU. Reach for acceptance for your own sake; reach for indifference with how you feel about him. Two goals that are completely doable.

FeFe

July 15, 2017 - 6:40pm (Reply to #14)

accidentally

Yes he knew what he was doing when he sent the text. In the past when I had tried to break away he would send something similar and I would respond and we all know what happened after I did.
I have wrote a letter to him telling him all the hurtful things he has done to me and why I will never come back to him. (Of course I will never mail it to him.)

Thank you for your help

Judie

July 15, 2017 - 9:14pm (Reply to #15)

That's a good thing...

to write the letter and not send it. Gets a lot of pain and anger out without making contact. It's a great release and validation, which offers you a certain amount of closure as well. I'm just so very glad for you that you didn't reply to him.

FeFe

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