mellychik's story

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#1 Mar 11 - 7AM
mellychik
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mellychik's story

First of all, I want to say how happy I am that I found this site. It is heartbreaking to read the stories and realize that there are so many people out there that have been hurt by this kind of person(s). I came here looking for answers. I don't want to label my ex just because I'm hurt, but after the last episode not 1, but 4 of my very close friends suggested that he was a narcissist so I started doing some research. Boy am I glad I did. I thought I was going absolutely crazy!! I am ready to post my story and I pray that by doing so, I release some of the feelings I am experiencing and can possibly help someone else who is looking for answers. Here goes: (forgive me, it's pretty lengthy, but I was involved with him for 25 years)

I met my ex in July of 1992. We worked at the same place but it was a large organization and I didn't know him until I saw him out one night at a popular club where we all went after work. I couldn't resist him. He was with a group, but sat sort of alone, and I initiated contact (I regret that moment!). We danced and I went home with him. We didn't have sex but we talked and laughed for hours. He asked when he could see me again, so the next day after I had a family function, I just showed up. The attraction was more than I had ever felt (I was only 20 years old) and I was hooked almost immediately. It went on this way for a few weeks, and finally one morning when I left I wrote my number down and left it on his table. I didn't hear from him for a few days and he found me at work one day saying he lost the number (I'm sure he had tossed it). I played hard to get, then gave it to him.

We started seeing each other, and at first I thought it was a true connection. He still had an ex in the picture, who was his daughter's mother, but assured me that they were broken up. It was weird though, he was always appeasing her, wouldn't tell her about me, etc. Finally after about a year I asked him if he was still sleeping with her, to which he responded "maybe once every blue moon." I blew up. I told him that wasn't acceptable to me. And that was the first silent treatment. Two weeks with no contact from him. I finally called and asked what was going on. He said, well, I thought we were spending too much time together. OK fine. I stopped returning calls and continued dating. He lost it. Called me a whore and some other not-so-nice stuff. I wound up giving in and started seeing him again. Stupid me.

After about 4 years of this I noticed he was always taking his breaks with a married girl at work (we worked together). I asked him about her, since we never took our breaks together, and he responded that she was just his friend's little sister and she looked up to him and blah blah blah. However, I started seeing her car at his apartment, late at night after work. I went to her and told her that he was seeing someone. That night, he asked me to come over after work. He took my keys and almost knocked me to the ground for confronting the girl. It scared me and I finally was able to get away. After a very short silent treatment, he called and apologized, saying he was going through some stuff, and could I forgive him, which I did. Before that there was another married woman that he would show up with at the club where we would go dancing, claiming that she was just a friend and accuse me of intimidating her.

I finally had enough and tried to leave him. He would show up at my apartment, threatening to kick the door in, threatening my safety, I would let him in and he would search my apartment for signs of another man. I finally tried to start dating and he would stalk me, follow me if he saw me on the street, show up at my apartment, etc. The guy I started dating turned out to be another jerk so I left him and went back to my ex. At this point he felt comfortable to me and I missed him so we fell back to our old ways. Of course his niceness would only last a short while and I would be back to walking on eggshells. This went on for several years. He never wanted to go out, claiming that when we were together he just wanted to have me all to himself. Any time I tried to go out with friends or family it was a fight. I tried to leave several times but he would always come around promising things would be different, we would take those trips I wanted to take, and would I marry him. I was so in love I didn't know what I would do without him so I always fell for the B.S. Nothing ever changed. I was in very slight contact with his family and very few of his friends even knew who I was.

In 2009 I decided to return to college and get the degree I always wanted. He became distant. If I was working on school, he would say "I'm leaving, you are always on the computer, you're not paying me any attention." I would argue that I'm writing a research paper but that always fell on deaf ears. I obtained the degree and when I told him I was graduating, he grunted at me. No congratulations, I'm proud of you, nothing. In 2011 i decided to get my Master's degree. I was working two jobs and going to school and it was absolutely exhausting but I was determined. The next year I turned 40. We never went anywhere but he insisted on taking me to an Italian restaurant in town that gives the birthday person a free meal. He belittled me the whole time because people were calling to wish me a happy birthday and he told me it was rude to answer the phone while I was with him. My best friend threw me a 40th birthday party and he refused to go, saying his daughter may need a ride later and he needed to be available. After that I asked for some space and told him he needed to figure out what he wanted from our relationship. We stayed in contact and a couple of months later he showed up. I had a Father's Day card for him and he grabbed it and yelled at me because his birthday that year was "the worst birthday he had ever had." I told him I was exhausted from school and work and he said he just wanted to lay down with me while I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and he had ripped the card I gave him to shreds and threw it all over me while I slept. I got up to shower in the morning for work and he walked outside, got in his car, and left. Of course, I got the silent treatment again. Before that, at his mother's on Christmas Eve, I brought he and his mom some food from the restaurant where I worked. He never said thank you (for anything) but then screamed and yelled at me in front of his family because I forgot the steak sauce. At this point I just thought he was plain mean.

Finally by the end of 2013, he had become physically and verbally abusive. Any small remark from me would be blown out of proportion because I "had an attitude." I said, it's not an attitude, I'm standing up for myself. I cooked dinner one night and he sat in the kitchen looking at his phone. I said well, I won't do that again. He pushed me so hard I fell and messed up my back. He stood over me telling me to get up, that he didn't push me that hard. He took my house key off his key ring and said he knows he fucked up and that he was leaving, leaving my lying in the floor. He didn't leave and got me to the bed. He asked "if I had asked you to marry me all these years would you?" To which I responded yes. I couldn't figure out why he needed to ask that at that moment.

A month later, he broke up with me. At first he said we needed a break, that he had hurt me and what if I had died or if he had went to jail. Within a couple of weeks, he was showing up at my home every day saying he missed me, texting that he loves me but that we couldn't be together because he may hurt me. He had to have both a neck and shoulder surgery that year and would text me before surgery to tell me he loved me, just in case he didn't get to tell me again if something happened. We fell back to old ways, but it was different. He was buying me gifts and opening up about his past and I felt closer to him than I had in years. He started kissing me again, something he had quit doing years before, laying on the side of the bed with his arms crossed. At the same time though, he was asking for sexual things that I wasn't really comfortable with but I did them anyway. About a year later, he was on the phone and I could tell it was a woman. After the call, I asked him about it. He said well, I spend time with female friends but I don't have a girlfriend or anything like that. I told him I couldn't see him anymore. He said OK. About 10 days later he showed up. He looked like he hadn't shaved or showered, and even smelled funny. This went on for a couple of days and we wound up in bed together. The very next day he calls and says he doesn't want to mess up our friendship but that things had gone too far the night before. Can you say roller coaster??

Within a few weeks, we went back to our normal ways. This went on for about a year and a half. I spent all my free time either with him or talking on the phone. We did everything together, but since he is on disability and doesn't work I guess he had time to do other things also. He practically lived at my home, clothes in the closet, toiletries in the bathroom, hanging out with my friends. Then abruptly, disappeared. Only a short text occasionally saying he wasn't feeling well or couldn't get out of bed or whatever. I went on vacation in Sept of 2016 and he was acting extremely odd, saying he was going out of town (which he NEVER did). When I got back, he told me he didn't love me anymore and just thought of me as a friend. The next day, he showed up apologizing, saying he was confused. And things started right back up. By Christmas, everything was going well. He gave me some cash to order his "nephew" something off of eBay, and I didn't think anything of it. We were seeing each other every day and talking/texting multiple times if we weren't together. Early February of 2017, I get a Facebook message from a woman I don't know, claiming that she has been with him for 6 YEARS and that they were engaged. She said that my ex gave her a package that had my name on it. She asked his family about me and they told her we "used" to date. Come to find out, he had proposed to her while I was on vacation in September. He had told her I was some girl he used to work with and meant nothing to him. She was messaging me to ask if I was still in his life, or was she about to make a big mistake as his family was helping her plan the wedding. I confronted him that night and he said she was some girl from his past and that he wasn't going to marry "that damn girl." He said that she had told him I messaged her first. I was so confused! I said, how would I message someone I didn't know existed??? The next day he changed his tune and said that yes, he had been seeing her and proposed because it was what he had wanted at the time but that now he was confused and wasn't sure what he wanted and could we talk through some of our issues. I almost fell for it. That night, I messaged her back and told her that I was still very much a part of his life. I told him what I did and he immediately told me that I was dead to him and to not ever contact him again. He said he hated my guts and that I was a fucking bitch. He said now that damn girl is going to cause me problems and it's all your fault. He said, did you think that telling her the truth was going to make me want your stupid fucking ass?

A few weeks later, she messaged me again to tell me that she had quit her job to move home with him and that they were going to work things out and would I please not bother him. I told her he had already showed up at my house wanting to try to keep the door open but that I had told him to have a nice life. They had apparently moved in together after the fight where he knocked me down (a week later) when we broke up three years ago, so now I'm seeing that this was all the D&D that they are notorious for.

I have been No Contact for over a month now. My friends and family are worried about my safety because they know, he always comes back. I pray this time he knows that I have seen his true colors and won't even try.

If questions about narcissistic tendencies have brought you here, remember this: even if they are not full blown NPD but have exhibited any kind of these bad behaviors towards you, RUN!!! You can't love someone back together. They are broken and need help. You can feel empathy but do it from afar. No Contact is the only option!

Mar 22 - 7PM
Akinom
Akinom's picture

Thank you

Akinom

Mar 22 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
mellychik
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