Married for 17 years. Thought counseling would help. I've never written this down before.

My heart is heavy. I thought counseling would help, and thought I saw progress 5 days ago when, at the therapist's office, we addressed his opening up a Match.com account a few months back. I know he didn't "use" the account beyond setting up a profile (he used a known password), but just the act of setting it up was hurtful. So by the end of the appointment he was saying, "I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry you were upset." So much of an improvement over laughing at his "joke" of setting this up, and his "offense" at the possibility that I may just mention this again.

So when I made a family breakfast 2 days later, and he asked for me to wait 30 minutes. I did. Then when sitting down he wanted 10 more minutes (he turned on a video exercise when I started making breakfast), and I said it was too late. Breakfast was ready. So he gets in a huff wondering why I can't wait 10 more minutes. He gobbles down a couple pancakes and leaves the table in the middle of a conversation, without a word, and goes back to his exercise.

Our kids (13 and 15) and I all wonder what just happened, where did he go? After breakfast I tell him (with hope that our counseling was sticking and that we could practice what we/he learned) that I felt disrespected at his actions at breakfast. He got so angry (contained, simmering anger) saying that nothing he does is right and what is the point? This is a repetitive commentary. I asked if he could please respond to me as we discussed in our therapist's office. So he said he's sorry I feel disrespected but he didn't do anything wrong and I'm always on his case. Two days of silence later he asks me if there is anything I'd like to say to him. I asked him for some feedback, some hint of what he is looking for but he just grunts and leaves. This morning he says we need to talk. I said that's great, yes we do. He says, "and you need to think about what you've done to me." Since I've been reading this forum, I, for the first time in a while, didn't get pulled into the drama and said, "we either talk now or tonight." He didn't like that very much, mumbling that this is ridiculous. So we'll see about tonight.

He isn't physically abusive, though he yanked our nephew off the couch after drinking rum one night a year ago, but 3 kids and 3 adults clearly let him know how wrong that was. And I've told him I don't want rum in our house anymore because he has also been very rude and verbally cruel to me when drinking rum. Still, twice he bought it anyways and I dumped it, and at our last counseling session he said he didn't like that because he felt like I was mothering him. And yet he'll "tell" me to do things despite me asking him to make a request, given that we are equals. "Do" this, "do" that, and I say, "please ask" and he'll get in a huff or say that he can't say anything right around me.

He's either passive aggressive or simply doesn't care what I want and does what he pleases. I'll ask him to leave the thermostat because I work from home during the week, and I'll find that he has changed it. After 10 times of this in 3 years in this house I finally put tape over it and he called me "spiteful and demeaning." He downloaded an app to follow me around via my cell's gps but didn't want to help me do the same. I was out of town with friends and he texted me saying, "how is it at Starbucks?" My friends couldn't believe it - thought it was creepy. I found a family system so we could see where our kids were (and he and I could see each other) but after that last argument he deleted himself from the app (so I went into his phone and deleted myself from his app - normally I leave his stuff alone but I didn't feel like another confrontation about yet another thing). When he's upset with me he does little things like leave the toilet seat up, not cleaning up after himself yet getting upset when I don't put something away. Not alot of big deal things but clearly passive aggressive.

When he wants to talk, he complains that when I comment it interrupts his thought process. He told the therapist he likes a monologue. I told her I'd rather connect through a back and forth dialogue. When I want to talk about something, most of the time his facial expression is "hurry up and finish". He walks out of the room when I'm in mid sentence and doesn't come back. Things I want to do, he doesn't. Things he wants to do, he expects me to want to as well. We have a dog I'm crazy about, but he seemed jealous of him at first, and I actually backed off of my attention to the dog, giving into his jealous feelings by not sitting with the dog. Clearly a codependent move I'm sorry for. He says he never wants another one, but I do. We moved away from family - was supposed to be 5 years and now its been 10. Yes, there are always reasons why we haven't been able to move back - his job - I couldn't work in this country until a year ago and I'm just finishing a contract and looking for full time work as I think I need to have more financial independence. He doesn't want to move back to our city and has made it clear, though he knows I still want to.

I printed out all our finances as I don't trust that he'll be truthful if we split, given that 90% of it is in his name now. I spoke to a financial person who gave me a run down on what our finances would look like and we'd be ok but of course not the same. I want my kids to finish high school here and they seem like they are doing ok right now. They have figured out how to handle their dad. One jokes and teases back and one withdraws and escapes, but there are positive things about their relationships with their dad too and I check in with them on a high level.

Since we have 4.5 years left before both kids are in college, I was thinking I could last that long then plan to move back to my hometown. I don't know. No one action on his part is so obvious (except for the rum fueled incidents) that I can see me packing my bags unprepared, yet the little things are so insidious... I feel happy and together and well connected outside of my marriage... and he says that if I've been unhappy this long with him then maybe he was never the right person for me and he says that is disappointing.

I don't recall him ever looking at our children with love, or opening his heart for any reason. In counselling I want to connect more deeply, and he just wants to know what he is supposed to say so that I, essentially, can stop complaining. He says he just wants me to be happy, and when I tell him how he can help me be happier in our marriage he doesn't want to do any of the work. He says he can't change.