Lost afraid and broken

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#1 October 2, 2017 - 12:44pm

Lost afraid and broken

I have been with my narc for 8 years. When we met it was amazing. He was super passionate and attentive. I did not even know what a narc was at this point in my life. I was 25 years old. I fell for him hard. I was a single mother living alone with my 4 year old daughter. Fully independent. While he was living with his mom. It didn't take long until we had moved in together. Him into my place. Almost immediately the rules started. I'm not allowed to lock the door or take out the trash. Thats a mans job. I can't have male friends. Whenever I went somewhere I had to be back by the minute I said. If I didn't he was calling me or would even call me when I was away throwing guilt trips that I left. I bent to his demands and did my best to please him. He had two daughters so together we had 3 girls. I thought it would be great. He is anyway drinker and got a dui shortly after we met. Very emotionally abusive. I left in 2010 after he and his brother followed me around my hometown making me afraid. But I wass quickly swept back in within 2 months. Shortly afterr that in was pregnant. The abuse got worse when in was pregnant. Not only emotional but verbal and physical as well. He would leave and disappeaar for days. Then show up in the middle of the night. I would wake up at 4 am to him staring at me. Saying things about how he wishes he could bash my head In. Yet I stayed. Baby came and then a death in the family sent him even further over the edge. I filed a restraining order in 2012 and he went to rehab. 2 months later again I took him back and we go married!! I was so blind. I started having panic attacks at this point and just completely fell apart. Haven't been the same since. He stayed sober for 3 years and relapsed. Has been drinking ever since. Takes off when it suits him. Says horrible things to me. He wanted me broken and submissive. Everything I did was to lease him or make him happy. Whenever i would start to get well he would up his game and bring me right back to the ground. Today i have severe anxiety, I can't drive, I can't breath, I have horrible panic attacks and can't be home alone by myself. Which I feel keeps me stuck with him. I am totally isolated and without friends or support. I don't know what to do anymore. I can barely get out of bed most days and have children to take care of. This gives him tons of ammunition. I'm lost and don't know what to do anymore.

October 5, 2017 - 12:00pm

readyforchange... thank you

Thank you for braving your story here. The "rollercoaster" ride that you describe is a familiar one to many of the members here. So many of us have stayed, or left and came back to try again, time and again with hopes that things would turn out like the dream we envision in our hearts and minds. This is a dream that can come true in healthy relationships, however, if one is in a relationship with a narcissist, the dream changes...it can become a nightmare for many of us and leave us feeling powerless, broken, and like yourself lost and not sure what we need to do next. Please know you are not alone. We are here for you and there is a way out. The thing that stands out most for me is your anxiety levels. We need to find a way for you to cope and get yourself in a better place so you can plan for your future. You have children depending on you as well, so there's another level of concern. You can do this, my dear. You are stronger than you know. Your "user" name is evident that the time is now ... "readyforchange". That's the first, very big step, that lets me know you can do this. You have had enough... in order to get out, we must have the desire to want a happy, healthy life, more than wanting the comfort of routine. I think it's so important at this point to deal with the crippling anxiety first, or at least in conjunction with helping to map out a plan. Does this sound like something you are willing to consider? Let me know dear and we can work on it... XOXO

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