just sharing my story.
just sharing my story.
Sometimes I think timing is everything. When I met my ex gf, I had just separated from my ex-wife for about 6 months. The emotional relationship with my ex-wife ended a lot earlier. In between my separation and meeting my ex gf (The Narc) I had also dated 2 other girls – the first tragically died a few days after I met her (she was horribly murdered by her ex-lover) and second dumped me after a month because she couldn’t handle the fact I had kids. So by the time I met my Narc, I was severely depressed and thought no one would love me.
When I met her I was not looking for a new relationship. We met through a mature friend at a party and she later got my number from our friend. She pursued me aggressively, even though I told her I was not interested at first, but after a couple of weeks of being pursued I eventually gave in. She is young (12 years my junior), very attractive and highly intelligent, and I thought to myself at the time, maybe this is what I need to bounce back from all the recently failed relationships.
She was perfect. She was beautiful, smart, and ambitious, open minded, sexually active and accepted I had kids. We practically saw each other every day after work, and she almost slept over at my place every night for the first few months. Although I was very mindful all this was only because we are in the ‘honeymoon period’ of the relationship, I was nonetheless developing an obsession towards this relationship.
During this time she seemed very opened, she shared with me many sad stories about her past, her childhood, where she was abused by her parents, she never felt loved, how she was used and cheated on by her ex-bf, and many other traumatic events she had experienced. At first I did not believe everything she said but I thought to myself even if half the stories are true, she’s had a very troubled pass and I felt sorry for her – I needed to ‘save her’ and give her a real relationship where she feels real love so she can heal.
After about 3 months, we talked about moving in together because we practically slept with each other every night. Eventually we agreed I would move into her place and rent my place out. This is when things started to change.
She suddenly developed low blood pressure (she blamed it on an accident she had earlier that year before she met me) and every time after we had sex she would almost faint. Needless to say the sex quality and quantity took an immediate nose dive. She was so concerned about ‘disappointing’ me, it started to make me feel guilty about asking for sex. She even went to the doctor, did a serious of tests, to see what’s physically wrong with her. Not surprisingly there was nothing physically wrong with her, so the doctor diagnosed it as ‘stress and anxiety’ from her earlier accident.
Her attitude started to change. She started to passive aggressively compare me with ‘other’ men she knew, whether its old friends, friends’ partners, clients, etc. The main hint was I didn’t make enough money compared to them. I knew I made good income but because of the pending divorce settlement with my ex-wife, I had limitations on what I could spend – nonetheless I spent basically all I could on her. I took her on holidays, bought her expensive gifts, bought all new furniture for her apartment when I moved in, etc. Still she could find reasons to compare. On top of that she suddenly felt I was controlling! She complained about how I was making her do things and change her living habits to accommodate me, she felt suffocated and stressed!
She stopped having sex with me because she was stressed about my controlling nature. It came to a point where she would JUMP when I touched her. She ceased all measures of intimacy – hand holding, kissing, hugging, etc. Funny enough I knew something was not right but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I started to monitor my own behaviours, the way I talked to her, I stopped initiating intimacy, etc. After awhile she agreed to try having sex with me again because she felt obliged. Sex from then onwards was very awkward and made me feel even guiltier.
I started questioning myself, did I do something wrong? Why is this happening? Am I really not good enough? I started to obsess over all these questions to the point I couldn’t focus at work, I wasn’t really there when I was spending time with my kids, and I started compensating by spending more money on her and getting myself into unnecessary debt.
Things started to get really bad. She started ignoring me during social events – she would spend all her time with her friends and totally ignored me. This happened several times so I voiced my concern. Her response was very hurtful, she basically said “why do I need to spend time with you? Can’t you take care of yourself? You’re older than me, why are you acting like a needy child?” I tried to explain that it would be nice to spend some time together and enjoy events together, rather than each of us doing our own thing. But she would not agree and thought it was entirely my problem for being insecure.
I don’t know why I didn’t end the relationship then. I knew in the back of my mind if things didn’t change this relationship had no future. But I kept thinking about the early stage of our relationship, how things were perfect and she had many attributes that I admired. I just needed to be patient and things will be ok.
Things didn’t improve. I was still obsessed with figuring out what the problem was. I couldn’t make sense of everything. I couldn’t focus on work, my kids, I was extremely stressed. I eventually saw a psychologist who helped a little but the problem wouldn’t go away.
Eventually I told her it wasn’t working out and I was prepared to walk away unless things changed. She reflected on it and she agreed she would change – she just needed some time and asked me to be patient with her. She reassured me she loves me and it is just a bump in our relationship and things will all work out. So the next few weeks things got a bit better. She was more affectionate, sex got better, and she was more open about discussing issues.
But that didn’t last long. One night at the next social event she completely ignored me again. Thorough the entire night she probably spent no more than 20 minutes with me. She was always talking with her friends or meeting new friends. At the end of the evening, when almost everyone had left, she made me wait for her another 30 minute while she chit chat with a new friend she had just met. Apparently they got along really well and would be a shame to cut the conversation short.
Finally we left and on the way home in the car I told her I was very upset and disappointed about the whole night. She had a lot of alcohol that night and she started to accuse me of not loving her, trying to control her and didn’t appreciate that she is with me whilst many other men were interested in her. This lead to a big argument, and became a screaming contest in the car. It got to a point she screamed “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS MENTAL ABUSE. YOU KEEP PRESSURING ME AND MENTALLY ABUSING ME, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.” Then she tried to open the car door and jump out of the car whilst the car is in motion!!! I was in shock and I reacted by quickly pulling her back in. I admit there was a bit of force to it but I did not intend to hurt her, I just wanted to pull her back into the car. She then screamed “OMG WHY DID YOU HIT ME! OMG YOU HIT ME! OMG YOU ABUSED ME! STAY AWAY FROM ME. HELP!!”
Eventually we got home. As soon as the car stopped, she jumped out and ran away from me. She screamed “WE ARE OVER. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE STREETS I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. GO AWAY. GO AWAY. I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!” That night she slept at her friend’s place and asked me to move all my stuff out.
I felt so guilty – I didn’t want things to end over some misunderstanding. She obviously had a lot to drink, there was a big fight, some physical but it wasn’t worth breaking up over. I thought I’ll give her some space, time to cool down, so I moved out temporarily (so I thought). Over the next few days I tried contacting her, she didn’t really reply, and I felt so bad. I bought her a big present and I sent it to her work. She responded immediately! She said “thank you. I guess you still love me but I haven’t completely forgiven you yet. Give me some more time.” So I respected what she said and that’s what I did.
Her birthday was coming up and I had previously agreed to take her on a holiday and pay for her party. She bought this up and asked if I was still going to honour my promise. I obviously said yes because I had to otherwise she will never forgive me! So I booked the trip and gave her some money for the party preparations. Things started to get better – I was able to sleep over again but not move back in. However she would constantly remind me that I was at fault and she still hadn’t forgiven me completely. I didn’t want to argue with her so I just went along with it. Couple of weeks later she brought it up again and that time I wasn’t going to just take it. I pointed out that the cause of all this was because she didn’t respect me enough to spend time with me at the event, plus her excessive consumption of alcohol lead into a big argument where she attempted to jump out of a moving car!
Boy that did not go down well. She fought back, not admitting to anything, and accused me for making her NOT want to spend time with me because I was pressuring her and stressing her out so much. Eventually this became a fight and she started attacking me like I’ve never seen her do. She said many devaluing, demeaning and extremely hurtful things, such as how bad of a bf I’ve been, how I don’t compare to the other men she knows, and she eventually said she never really loved me! I was so hurt. How could she say something like that to someone who loves her unconditionally? I was gutted. I couldn’t stay so I told her there and then, we are over, and I walked out.
The moment I walked out I had a sudden feeling of relief! Like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as if I was free! I didn’t understand why I had this feeling. I thought I would be devastated but instead I felt liberated. Looking back now I understand why. Subconsciously I knew this relationship was not right. It was eating away at me from the inside, it had taken over me, I could not function properly and I was going crazy! The next few days I felt GREAT! I was immediately able to regain my focus at work, my energy level was up and I no long felt any anxiety or stress.
After a few days she contacted me. I knew I shouldn’t have responded but I didn’t want things to end on bad terms, so I agreed to meet her for closure. Boy was that a mistake. When we met, she begged me back, she was crying, she said sorry, she promised to change, she said she still loves me and what she said before was only said out of anger and she wants a future with me. I fell for it, I started getting my hopes up but I still resisted as much as I could. I said to her let’s just be friends for now and see how things go. Her birthday trip was only a week away and she begged me to take her, and said even if things don’t work out at least it’ll be our last trip and let’s have a good time. I hesitated but since everything was already paid for, I agreed to go.
During the trip it was fun. I was still very cautious I didn’t put my feelings back but she wore me down. She was so lovely, she apologised every moment she had, she made many promises of change, she was affectionate, and I started having hope again. By the end of the trip I was ready to try again and give it my all.
Then something happened – I noticed she placed photos of our trip on social media but none of the photos had me in it nor was there any mention of me! So I asked her why? She said she didn’t want her friends finding out we are back together because her friends don’t think it’s a good idea for us get back together because I ‘hit her’. I said to her this is a ridiculous reason, all her close friends already know we went on the trip together, there’s nothing to hide. Besides, if we really want to work things out, we need to forgive each other and move on. So she promised she’ll add my photos shortly but she didn’t.
I suspected something was wrong – she was probably hiding me because she had other men pursuing her. She wanted to keep her options open just in case things didn’t work out with me. I knew that was what she’s thinking but I had no proof.
The following week she had to go away for a business trip for 4 days. During her trip she posted a few photos on social media at expensive restaurants, bars, clubs, etc. NONE of her photos contained any men, only women. Again this made me suspicious. I was obsessed with finding out. This whole thing has taken over me again – I couldn’t focus on anything except this.
She got back on the Friday and Saturday was her birthday party. It was meant to be a girls only party so I wasn’t invited. I paid for everything though as I had promised, including the hotel room where she had the party. She sent me a couple of photos during the party and it seemed like it was all girls.
The next night (Sunday) we had dinner at a friend’s place. I noticed she was on her phone a lot – more than usual. So I asked her why? She said her friends were sending her photos of the party from the night before and she was replying to the texts. Something in my gut told me she was not being honest but I had nothing but a gut feeling.
It was really bothering me, the whole week was bothering me. The birthday trip, her business trip, her nonstop texting, it was all getting to me. My anxiety level was through the roof!! So after we got back to her place I waited until she fell asleep and checked her phone. I am not proud of this and I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I had to do it, I couldn’t help it. I was going crazy, I had to know!!!
I spent the next couple of hours going through her phone and I could not believe what I discovered. I was so shocked, so hurt, so disappointed and just gutted. She had been seeing a new guy already. She met him shortly after the major fight we had where she tried to jump out of the car. From the messages I can tell she was aggressively pursuing him – just like how she pursued me initially. I also discovered she was in constant communication with him during the birthday trip – she even waited for me to fall asleep each night and went out of the room and called him. The business trip she went to wasn’t a business trip after all, it was a holiday with this new guy. After her birthday party she invited the guy up to the hotel room and I assume he spent the night there. And during the dinner the next night, when she was nonstop texting, she was texting him. She was texting him in front of me, in my face!!! I also found out the friend who we had dinner with, was lying for her. This friend knew all along about this other guy! And guess what? This wasn’t the only guy she was engaged with – she was simultaneously flirting with at least 4 other men.
How could she do this? How could she tell me she loved me, wanted to try again with me, and do all this behind my back??? I was devastated. I have no words to describe how I felt at the moment and the subsequent days afterwards. I waited for her to wake up and I confronted her. At first she denied everything and eventually I told her I checked her phone and I know everything. Even still she denied anything romantic happened between them! They were just hanging out and yes there was attraction but nothing happened. No sex, just a lot of flirting. I didn’t believe her, and I told her it was over. Once she knew she couldn’t convince me otherwise, she became someone else. I’ve never seen this side of her. She started pointing out all my flaws, all my insecurities, she blamed me for this relationship not working out, and said many demeaning comments. She finished by saying, “you know why I like this guys? He’s better looking than you and he’s richer than you.” I had nothing left to say. I just said ‘good luck’ and walked out.
I was devastated. I was destroyed. I was angry. I was depressed. I was confused. What went wrong? Why did a promising relationship turn out like this? She was perfect. Maybe if I wasn’t such a loser she wouldn’t have needed to search for a replacement. It was all my fault. But still I couldn’t forgive her for deceiving me and I can’t trust her anymore. The relationship is over, even though I still loved her there was no future. No trust no future.
I deleted all her photos from my phone and social media. I blocked her on all mediums and I was trying to move on. I should have stopped all contact there and then … but I needed an explanation.
About a week later I emailed her. I was actually helping her with something important before all this had happened. I don’t want to say what it is but let’s just say it is something extremely important to her. So I emailed her saying I’m going to stop helping her unless there’s a genuine reason why I should.
The next day I was contacted by a mutual friend. He said he had just met her and apparently it was an emotionally charged meeting. He felt as mutual friends he had to get in touch with me and talk to me about it. So I agreed to meet the next day. I knew she would reach out to me – she was smart to use our friend. Our friend pleaded that I continue helping her but after I told him what had happened he understands why I came to that decision. However he did convince me to meet with her to discuss it. I told him ok, if she wants my help she has to contact me directly and not use our friends.
So she did. Even when we were negotiating a time and place to meet, she tried to arrange it for her own convenience. We met and immediately she tried to talk about our relationship. She was trying to establish who was responsible for what and what happened and why we ended up like this. She continue to deny anything had happened with the other guy and she was no longer meeting him. She knew I still had feelings for her so she tried to use it to her advantage. At the end of the meeting I told her I’ll think about it.
She contacted me again a few days later. She was trying to convince me she’s a changed person. She is no longer flirting with anyone and she wants to get back together with me. I didn’t believe her but she was starting to trigger my feelings again. This back and forth went on for another couple of weeks and I finally withdrew my assistance. I told her it’s over, I cannot continue to help and I cannot forgive or trust her. She was clever. She said, it’s ok, I understand why you can’t. I don’t want you to hate me, can we still be friends. I don’t know why but I said yes, ok let’s just be friends. So we hang out a couple of times in the following week and she started to tell me she missed me and wants another tried. We were starting to get close again, I was starting to forgive her, and then all of a sudden she won’t contact me for a couple of days. Christ! Eventually when she did contact me she asked me to lend her money.
I almost gave in and then I came across the concept of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The more I read into it the more it made sense. I finally have my own closure. I understand now what has been happening to me over the last year. Looking back everything made sense now. I no longer have hope that things will work out. I’m very sad and disappointed that what I thought was genuine love in fact wasn’t. But I’ve learnt to deal with it.
It’s only been 4 days since I last contacted her. I know there’s a long journey of healing ahead but it can be done. I need to rediscover myself, let it all process and start my healing.
I am really sad to hear NPD has no cure. If she was normal she could achieve so much. But she’s not my responsibility anymore.
Thank you for reading this. I hope it helped you as well as helped me.