I can't believe this day has come. (to share my story). If I write it, it really happened and I have been pushing it down further and further, and I've been in so much pain. Pain I have never experienced before. Anger I have never experienced before. Feelings I have never had before. I want to scream from the rooftops, "What the Fu** happened?" And I have to admit that I am crying hysterically as I write this, I can't stop crying sometimes. I am 40 years old and I feel so ashamed about myself, and let a man make me think I am so worthless, I didn't want to share my story because I don't think anyone would care, and people on here would just ignore me and judge me, but If I don't write this, and share this I guess I won't feel better, and I really want to feel better. It is killing me slowly.
I planned my first relapse on a vacation (3 hours away from home) with a family member. We went to a small town to look for UFOs (just for fun) and the stars, and visit a ghost town. I had been sober from drugs and alcohol for 12 years and I knew my family member drank sometimes. She didn't know I was an addict, so she wasn't shocked when I ordered a beer. That was my plan 2-3 beers. Well, those addicts out there will understand that is not enough. I got hit on by HIM. I am so ashamed to say that I was married. It was so completely unlike me to do this, but I got involved with this man while I was married. I eventually (he talked me into) separating from my husband. I realized he was an alcoholic and I offered to pay for his treatment. I took money from my 401-K and spent over $10,000 on his treatment and sober living. I drove over an hour (one way) every family night, I picked him up overtime he had a "home visit" from rehab. I visited him at his sober living.
I started getting very close to his family, namely his two youngest kids. I put him and his kids first every time. I took his FREAKING 8 kids and him to a "I'm getting sober" dinner and well, who would buy him cigarettes? Who would buy him clothes for dinners at his rehab? Who would buy him a suitcase because all he had was garbage bags, who would buy dinners and hotel rooms for his "home visits"? He was very controlling and forceful sexually and I was almost asexual. But he changed that. He changed me. He started making me feel incredibly insecure and I started acting like a crazy woman, becoming very jealous and asking him to tell me every time his ex's contacted him. My personality changed so much, I didn't recognize myself. I started cutting again. I hadn't cut myself since I was in my early 20's. I was so codependent. In the middle of all this my father died. Me and my father had an incredibly unhealthy, toxic, confusing, relationship. I remember in the midst of my mourning, he was pressuring me for a date of when I was going to file for divorce, when he was still married to his wife after close to 10 years!!!!! I told him that I needed insurance as I am on expensive meds and needed insurance and he just quit his job, which he did a lot. Well anyway, he started drinking again and lying to me about it. He promised me he would work 2 jobs, stay sober to improve himself to be the "man I deserve." He kept on drinking and I relapsed one day with him and he said it made him happy seeing me drinking so he didn't feel so guilty. He started making me feel completely crazy. God saved me ladies. He had an addiction to porn that he was also lying about. I wouldn't have left if this incident didn't happen. Things were getting worse and worse, I realized I spent over $21,000 on him and his kids and he took me to a few dinners and bought me two necklaces.
I was doing laundry one minute, and found myself trying to get into his computer that was in the basement the next. The first password I guessed, worked!!!!! I saw some picture of his kids on vacation and then opened another folder and found child porn. I IMMEDIATELY started packing my things and moved out. His reaction to my new discovery? "That is just a particle of me and I have not even looked at it in 4 years." I was SHATTERED. I knew there was no more HIM. (Don't worry, I contacted that police and they are currently looking at the computer in their lab). What a betrayal. What a horrible secret. How sick! The things that were acted out in the child pics were things liked in the bedroom. I felt so sick, disgusting, and ashamed about everything. How could this happen? Where did that man I loved so much and cared for go? This isn't fair!?!?!?!! I am still rolling around with so many emotions that are ripping me apart. I feel like I have been run over by a semi, over and over. My life had ended. But what I have realized is that when I was with him, I felt like this (uncontrollable, sick to my stomach, worried, co-dependent, crazy) with I was with him and I only feel like that sometimes now. It is like after shocks of our relationship. I'd much rather live with after shocks than live in the earthquake all the time. You didn't get anything from me, you will be pathetic for the rest of your life, I WAS the best thing you've ever had and you will NEVER know how good things could have been, because I am a beautiful, loving, compassionate, caring woman who doesn't deserve you and you will NEVER deserve me. I am ashamed to say that there are still days I miss him and feel like I love him and NEED to see him. Every time I had any contact, my life fell apart. The less contact I have the better. I am not close to being "over" this or getting any closure, but I know he will never be the source of that, I am working on giving myself closure. This book has helped me a great deal. Thank you Lisa.