I am so lost

Hi

I am so lost and really have no where else to turn. I've been with my NPD for 8 years now and it's getting worse every day. As soon as I started holding him responsible/accountable for his lies, sneaking, cheating it all went to hell really quick. He rages whenever I try and talk to him - his way of deflecting the topic onto something else -- some imaginary sin I committed. He claims he is this great Christian, yet he lies constantly and sneaks most of the time. He no longer wears his wedding ring. I don't know if he lost it, gave it away, sold it. Whenever I try and ask him about it he changes the subject. I catch him taking his cell phone into the bathroom and before he sets it down anywhere he deletes all the history off of it, text messages, emails, you name it. He's been doing this for a while now. He says that "everyone" does that. NO, NO, everyone does NOT do that. In my opinion, only those people who don't want others to know who they talk to and what sites they are visiting do this. Whenever I bring it up he starts screaming. Again, another way get off the subject. I found out a while back that he bought a UPS mailbox and so he has a secret mailing address and a secret email account. He claims the new email account is for security reasons -- that it's a secured email account (it's from hushmail). Ummm, yeah right. Then if it's for security reasons, why is his bank account info STILL going to his yahoo address? I asked him this very question. His response was that he "hasn't gotten around to changing it yet". Yeah, another lie. He's had this new email account for over TWO years now. He's had plenty of time to switch whatever important emails he gets (from banks, work, etc.), over to this "secure" email address. I don't believe for a minute that he got this new email address for security reasons. Let me restate that. It's to secure me from seeing who he is emailing - that's for sure. But for any other security reasons, nah, that's a lie. He changed all his passwords on all his accounts. He switched phone carriers so now he pays his own phone bill so I have no idea who he calls/texts. I caught him texting someone on Sunday morning. When I walked in he immediately hit the home button so that the homepage would appear so I couldn't see who he was texting. I confronted him on it -- knowing full well he would lie about it, but just to let him know I am on to him. I just calmly said "You didn't have to stop texting on my account". He got mad and said "why does it always have to be text messages you think I am looking at? Why can't it be something else? I was looking at my battery usage because I forgot to plug my phone in last night (then he shows me the battery screen of where he said he was looking)". I calmly said, "You may have looked at your battery usage screen, but that's not what you were looking at when I came in the room. And, it doesn't have to always be about text messages. However, this time you WERE reading a text message. Text messages are unique in the way they are displayed -- they are staggered. When someone sends a text, it's usually displayed on the left hand side of the screen. Then when you reply, your texts are on the right hand side of the screen. It's easier to read that way. Then, when you knew I was behind you, you hurried up and hit the home button to bring up the homepage over the text. If the text was not an issue you would just show it to me". He got mad and said, "I don't care if you don't believe me". And that was that. Then he makes out like HE"S the victim.

He has family out of state (about 2 hours away) and he wants to be with them CONSTANTLY - and I do mean 24x7x365. I don't know why he ever got married. His mother and father continue to enable him to be the way he is. They are aware of Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde and are afraid of his rages so they dote on him hand and foot when he is there so that Mr. Hyde doesn't appear. He doesn't pay for anything when he is there. When he's there, he does what he wants, with who he wants, whenever he wants and they say nothing. They never tell him he's wrong. He monopolizes all the conversation there. They don't hold him accountable/responsible for anything. Why wouldn't he want to be there!! I tried asking for their help in regards to him a while back and his mother said "well, when you are dealing with highly intelligent people it can be hard". WHAT THE HELL? How brainwashed does he have them? I told her that the way he is and how he treats me has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with NPD. They don't want to hear that so they just play stupid. I think because I don't keep my mouth shut about him, they keep me at arms length. That's fine. I'm not going to be silent about it any longer. That just continues the enabling.

When I set boundaries or when I tried to use SET statements, he just up and leaves and runs to mommy and daddy. He says "you can save all your psycho-babble b.s. for someone who believes that sh_t. I'm smarter than that!" and off he runs to them. Now, I honestly believe, whenever he is here, he tries to start a fight so he can run to them.

I don't have any friends or family for support. They are all gone because of him. I go round and round in my mind all the time about what he is doing and who is he talking to/cheating with. My health is suffering. I have tried numerous times to find a therapist who has experience with NPD issues and cannot find one. All they tell me is "well why don't you just leave"? I ask myself that very same question every single day. I am embarrassed that I can't just walk out. I don't know if it's trauma bonding, or PTSD or what, but when I think of just walking out I get such anxiety attacks. My self esteem is shot. I brought that up to him once and he just laughed and said "You don't have self esteem issues. You're one of the most arrogant people I've ever met". Nice, huh? I've given up so much for him and it means N O T H I N G. It's always about him-always.

I don't know why he even is still around. He doesn't pay for much here at all. He's on the road most of the time (he's a commercial driver -- good job for someone who sneaks around -- no one can catch you doing it). He doesn't make much of an attempt to stop here and when he does want to get off the road he wants to see mommy and daddy. I don't rate. I never did. Hell, I don't even make the top 10 list. I tried to bring up the subject over the weekend. I said to him that if he was so unhappy then why doesn't he just say so and say he is leaving. But NO, he turns it around to put it on me so he can still play the victim. He said, "I told you to go and find someone else who makes you happy". See what he is doing? He doesn't want to be responsible for ending it so he wants me to do it so he can go running back home the victim. At least, I think that is what he is doing. If not, then I have NO idea why he is still here. Can someone answer this for me? I mean, if he's sneaking around emailing and texting and calling someone else then why doesn't he just up and leave (me)? I don't get it.

I am hoping to join a support group here to see what I can do to take care of me and to get stronger so I can leave. He's NEVER going to change-EVER. He may have had other affairs all along. He finds a way to justify everything he does. He uses the Bible to validate how he acts when instead, it should be the other way around. There is nothing i say or do that gets through to him. I don't really know him at all. When I think back, the red flags were there but I either ignored them or justified them away. He was so different in the beginning (as I'm sure all of you know how NPDs are). I just don't feel like I have much of a life left. I am getting more and more depressed.

Any comments, answers (to my questions above and otherwise), advice would be appreciated.

thank you :o)