hurtandhurting's story

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#1 August 13, 2009 - 11:42am
Anonymous (not verified)
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hurtandhurting's story

I Hurt and She Hurts

OK, so I probably shouldn't be on here because I will probably just get hammered by angry women who really have every right to be angry.

Although I have been a sweetheart to my girl and true, honest and faithful the whole way, I am learning more about myself and my "Love Avoidant" behavior.

Well, see, it starts by selecting a Love Addict, someone with low self esteem well, because I relate to people from a place of fear and low self esteem myself so my partner must be "needy" for me to feel comfortable.

Then what happens is that initially I feel happy since everything seems "under control". I try to "help" her and "fix" her into what everything I believe she could be.. to fit what I believe are my needs of course-very self centered I know. Eventually I start to recognize components of this partner that I dont like and that I feel are too needy and too enmeshing and that she is too weak and that I couldnt successfully raise a family with this person and then I go through the "down cycle". Fixing becomes too burdensome and in my soul I give up. Basically I become very ambivalent about the relationship and I constantly thinking about if and how to exit.

I start to envision what it would be like trying to raise a family with her and then I get scared. I want to leave.

I leave, she hates me and then, I do it again.

Of course its only now that I am truly starting to recognize this pattern in myself and I feel terrible. I want to stop but am also seeing that it is compulsive-it is indeed a disorder.
I say I am leaving because I want a strong compatable, competent "partner" but am immediately attracted to women who I see now that I wont ever commit to.
I do it again. I am really scared that I will wind up alone which I dont take action I would certainly deserve to be alone.

First, I must recognize that I do this compulsively and that I need help. I must take some time to learn more about how this neurosis functions. I dont want to hurt my self or anyone else. Especially a woman who has typically been abused in their won childhood. I feel very sad about how this thing plays out. I dont want to do it anymore.

I want to determine exactly what I need in a partner that I KNOW I WILL COMMIT TO and then deal with everything that comes up for after that.

I dont know how to proceed but I do know one thing... I dont want to hurt anyone or hurt myself anymore. I dont want to fear enmeshment and then select partners that want to enmesh. I dont want to be afraid to love.

August 16, 2009 - 7:35pm
dolce (not verified)
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Low self esteem

N's seem attracted to this site and posting here, which really creeps me out. We are trying to recover here. I wish you'd find another board. Good luck.
August 16, 2009 - 7:43pm (Reply to #5)
tina's picture

I agree

I agree with dolce. Please find somewhere else to vent and look for answers. It is hard enough to share our thoughts and pain w/o thinking you may have a comeback. I'm sorry you are hurting and confused but again, I think its best to look elsewhere for support. Best of luck.
August 14, 2009 - 4:05am
Barbara (not verified)
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first of all your comment about being 'hammered by angry women' is out of line. We are VICTIMS of Narcissists here. Suffering from various levels of PTSD and severe trauma. Anger is minor compared to the pain we go through. It does sound, though, like your gal may be BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which can often be mistaken for narcissism. Or she's schizoid. Do some web searches. And next time, try not to take out your pain & suffering on others. We have all been there or are there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
August 14, 2009 - 1:30pm (Reply to #2)
hurtandhurting (not verified)
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I understand all about trauma and hurt. However, for me, and this is me only, its important to keep the focus on myself and how my actions and decisions create the circumstances I get in despite how unpleasant they may be.
August 16, 2009 - 7:58am (Reply to #3)
Chloe's picture

You can't go it alone!

You have recognized your problem, now you need to seek the help to understand "WHY???" I think the first step in recognizing a problem and then asking for help is so important. While people in support groups can certainly aid you by sharing their own experiences, a therapist who deals with personality disorders is extremely knowledgeable and trained to work with people who have avoidance behaviors and other. I think that with the help from a therapist, gaining knowledge from self-help books, taking care of yourself: exercise, massage, meditation.... you will get to where you need to go. I have a lot of faith!