I Hurt and She Hurts
OK, so I probably shouldn't be on here because I will probably just get hammered by angry women who really have every right to be angry.
Although I have been a sweetheart to my girl and true, honest and faithful the whole way, I am learning more about myself and my "Love Avoidant" behavior.
Well, see, it starts by selecting a Love Addict, someone with low self esteem well, because I relate to people from a place of fear and low self esteem myself so my partner must be "needy" for me to feel comfortable.
Then what happens is that initially I feel happy since everything seems "under control". I try to "help" her and "fix" her into what everything I believe she could be.. to fit what I believe are my needs of course-very self centered I know. Eventually I start to recognize components of this partner that I dont like and that I feel are too needy and too enmeshing and that she is too weak and that I couldnt successfully raise a family with this person and then I go through the "down cycle". Fixing becomes too burdensome and in my soul I give up. Basically I become very ambivalent about the relationship and I constantly thinking about if and how to exit.
I start to envision what it would be like trying to raise a family with her and then I get scared. I want to leave.
I leave, she hates me and then, I do it again.
Of course its only now that I am truly starting to recognize this pattern in myself and I feel terrible. I want to stop but am also seeing that it is compulsive-it is indeed a disorder.
I say I am leaving because I want a strong compatable, competent "partner" but am immediately attracted to women who I see now that I wont ever commit to.
I do it again. I am really scared that I will wind up alone which I dont take action I would certainly deserve to be alone.
First, I must recognize that I do this compulsively and that I need help. I must take some time to learn more about how this neurosis functions. I dont want to hurt my self or anyone else. Especially a woman who has typically been abused in their won childhood. I feel very sad about how this thing plays out. I dont want to do it anymore.
I want to determine exactly what I need in a partner that I KNOW I WILL COMMIT TO and then deal with everything that comes up for after that.
I dont know how to proceed but I do know one thing... I dont want to hurt anyone or hurt myself anymore. I dont want to fear enmeshment and then select partners that want to enmesh. I dont want to be afraid to love.