hope for the hopeless

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#1 Apr 29 - 9AM
freedom4me2
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hope for the hopeless

When I found this website, it was like a miracle happened. I am still with my narcissist husband and have been for the past 18 years married and 9 years dated. I met him when I was 17, we were set up on a blind date, by my brother-in-law. I was literally swept off of my feet, he had a car, he took me to nice places, expensive places. He lived about 45 minutes away from my house, and he would come over just to drive me to work. Looking back, when he would drive me to work he would wait outside in the car for the duration of my shift 4-5 hours and then drive me home, it was kind of stalkerish. But, at the time, I thought that he was being nice and was worried about me taking public transportation. During our dating years, we broke up a couple of times for various reasons, I can't really remember why, now.

We bought our home in January 1996, and were married on May 25, 1996. Things between us were okay, at first. There were little things, like things had to be the way him or his parents wanted them. I was working, and he was going shopping for a kitchen chandelier with his mother. He asked me what I wanted as far as a the chandelier went and I told him that I didn't care as long as it wasn't blue. Wouldn't you know it, out of all the freakin' chandelier's available he came home with probably the only blue one in the store. He refused to return it, because he liked it, and he had a say too. And it hung in our kitchen for the next 11 years. He was always very needy, like asking me to get things for him, and expecting me to do all the housework. When we first bought the house I was in my last year of Nursing school, which I wound up flunking out of because it was too much. I was working full-time nights, going to school full-time in the morning then trying to take care of the house and him.

Things really started getting bad when my 1st son was born. My son had a stroke when he was born and required brain surgery at 3 days old. Thank God, now he only has mild learning disabilities and ADHD, he's 14 now. But, about 3 weeks after we had him home, my husband said to me, "What you don't have time for me anymore" I was appalled, I was already sick and tired of him telling people about the trauma that he went through listening to the beeping of the machines in the hospital. He was constantly demanding my time and attention when he knew that I had other things to do. My son required 3 different therapies 2 times per weeks from age two months on and my husband has never taken him once. We have two boys, our other son is 11, and has ADHD as well. We are currently in family counseling because my 11y.o. basically dislikes his father and talks back to him constantly. My 14 y.o. is more tolerant of my husbands neverending requests for things, but he gets frustrated too. And when they get frustrated, and my husband notices, he sees it as defiance and grounds them. And if i step in then then he yells at me, because it's not about me, it's between him and the kids, but I feel i need to protect them from some of this craziness that goes on. Last week my older son carried boxes down the stairs the wrong way, to make a long story short, the boxes were heavy and half way down he just started crying. I noticed so I lifted one of the boxes and carried it the rest of the way down the stairs, and my son was able then to manage the other one. Well, when we got back upstairs my husband had a fit, he said that if my son couldn't handle both of them at once he should have taken them separately. So he was literally degrading my son calling him stupid and an idiot, then my son got so mad he said to his dad "I'm just a retard, so just leave me alone" so then my husband starts being all nice to him and saying what a bright boy he is....IS THIS CRAZY...OR IS IT JUST ME!!!

I want to leave, I've tried to leave. The one time I left a couple of years ago, I went to a shelter for abused women (because I really do feel that I am being abused) It was the one time in my life that I felt completely safe. I took the kids with me, I left on a Friday morning, and by that afternoon I was in a shelter, but, it was one close to my house. That night he harassed my family, he had the police call my mother, he tried to put an amber alert out on the kids, he tried to have me arrested for kidnapping. So I talked to the police, they called over at the shelter, and everything was fine. The next day I was transferred to a different shelter like 30 miles away. I was afraid being that close to my own home that he would be out looking for me and see my car. So I went where I felt safe. We were able to stay the weekend, on Monday however they wanted me to get an order of protection from him in order to keep staying there. I tried, it was denied. The judge stated that emotional abuse is not an emergency situation. So with no options left I came back to him.

He doesn't work, he is on permanent disability from the state. Which I don't even know how he got that, 'that's a whole different story. Oh! did I forget to mention that he is a hypochondriac also. We spend more time at doctors for him then we spend anywhere else, and I'm not kidding.

I just can't take the constant belittling and the constant demands for things. I put his socks and shoes on him every day, he says he can't do it himself, but when he has to, he does. My old therapist told me that, to him, putting his socks and shoes on everyday is a way to keep me in my place, beneath him. He has kept me away from friends and family, because he doesn't like them. He kept me away from my mother for a period of time. I can remember one time, my mom was being released from the hospital and she had no way to get home. She called me, I was the closest, my husband refused to let me go, she sat there for 6 hours waiting for me to get there and I only lived 15 minutes away. My aunt finally picked her up at 9pm. I was so livid. How does someone do that to somebody?

I don't work right now either. I am back in school for Medical Coding and am almost done with the program, I will then have my associates degree. I have no place to go if I were to leave now. I would not put my family in the position of dealing with his relentless harassment they would have to go through, in his efforts to get to me or the kids. And I won't leave my kids here with him either.

If anyone has any suggestions I'm more than open to them. Thanks for reading my story.

May 1 - 3AM
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

Dear Freedom, what horrendous

May 1 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Steel Hibiscus
Steel Hibiscus's picture

This forum saved my life

Apr 29 - 4PM
StrongasDandelion
StrongasDandelion's picture

Yes this is crazy. I felt

Apr 29 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
freedom4me2
freedom4me2's picture

Thank You