Is he a narc?

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#1 September 28, 2017 - 8:15am

Is he a narc?

My entanglement with a man I now suspect is a narc began a little over a year ago. He messaged me just one day after I had joined a dating website and we exchanged messages for a little over a month before he requested that we take our communications offline. I eagerly agreed because he seemed like the perfect man for me and I felt a connection to someone that I hadn't even met yet. When we switched to texting and phone calls we seemed to be in CONSTANT contact--we'd text from morning until night and he'd call me every pet name under the sun (baby, honey, hot stuff, etc). I've deleted all these old messages, but I don't remember being called by my actual name much at all during the just over two months that I dated him. When we dated, each time we saw each other was HOURS long.

We dated for just over two months before he called me one Friday night and told me he didn't see it turning into a relationship. I realize now I should have turned and ran at the exact moment he told me he still wanted to be friends and that our physical affection didn't have to stop. People in my life knew about his past relationship failures (one failed marriage which he entered into after knowing the girl for only a month and two failed engagements-one of which he got into after knowing the girl for only a week) along with several other 2-4 month dating relationships that he ended because he just "wasn't sure he could marry the girl" so they thought he was just scared and needed time.

After he ended our dating relationship, he stopped initiating ALL contact with me. However, he continued to spend time with me on a regular basis when I asked and nothing really changed between us. He was still super affectionate and always seemed like he never wanted to leave when he was spending time with me. But then he started changing---he'd come over to my apartment and throw his stuff everywhere in my living room and expect for me to wait on him most of the time. In public, his boundaries were non existent: he had no trouble making out with me in the middle of a restaurant or sticking around after a movie had ended so he could yank me onto his lap and kiss me and grope my behind, knowing full well that someone could come into the theater at any moment. However, he also seemed to want to isolate us from other people--carefully choosing movie seats so we could have "privacy" and asking to be seated in a part of a restaurant where there were less people. Once I remember him saying that he "hated it" when people sat next to us at the movies. He became jealous each time I mentioned someone with a male name, even though he and I were no longer dating.

The last time I saw him in the middle of last month was when I finally basically got slapped in the face that there was something "wrong" with him. I made a sarcastic comment that he had trouble getting women. That led to him pulling out his cell phone and showing me pictures of women that he had pursued and then decided not to pursue a relationship with. He told me that, had he pushed for a relationship between him and I, we would be in a relationship. This floored me and angered me and he could tell, so he started being gooey sweet to me, asking if I was mad and telling me he didn't want me to be mad at him. (It is important to note here that I received similar treatment and what I realize now were terrible excuses when I attempted to walk away from this friendship twice before).

I haven't seen him since then. He declined every suggestion for us to hang out for a month, without providing an explanation for why he couldn't. Eventually I got upset and he "confessed" that he was having money issues and so he couldn't guarantee that he would be able to hang out with me. The night after he told me this, he sent me a random text asking me how my day had gone. Less than a week later, a girl he had friended on Facebook posted a cozy looking selfie of the two of them and tagged him in it. The following Saturday, I awoke to find that he had changed his Facebook status to indicate that he was in a relationship. I knew then that he had lied to me about his "money issues" and that he had been avoiding spending time with me because he was seeing this girl. He had told me in the past that he would tell me if he was considering getting into a relationship because he "cared about me and didn't want to hurt me."

I was so hurt by how he handled things that I deactivated all my dating profiles after it became apparent he'd been hiding things from me. However, all of his dating profiles were still up even though he's in a relationship, which makes me think he's continuing to look for ego boosts or "keeping his options open" in case his new girl doesn't work out.

Is this guy a narc or just a jerk?