Five Years - Abrupt Ending - Is He a Narc?
Five Years - Abrupt Ending - Is He a Narc?
I want to first say that this forum is a jewel. I'd be climbing the walls more than I already am if I wasn't able to read all of the stories here that make me feel a little less alone. A zillion thank yous to everyone who helped create this site. Having this outlet is really awesome.
I was recently unceremoniously dumped by my boyfriend whom I've been with for 5 years and lived with for 4. Things had been eroding with us for awhile, and when I finally was able to get him to focus on a conversation about us, I told him that I felt like we could both work harder on communication, and I wanted us to figure it all out and start to make plans for the future. He said he "couldn't give me that", and then with zero emotion said he was moving out the next day.
Before we started dating, I'd only ended an abusive relationship a few months prior. I'd told myself that I wanted to stay single for a long time, but my current ex pursued me HARD. For awhile I'd kept him at arms length, but when a member of my family became deathly ill, he offered to drive me out of state to visit them (I was broke, and didn't have a car at the time). I suppose I mistook his kind gesture for a solid dude, because looking back on everything that has transpired since then, I think I was entangled with a narc. I guess the hardest part about digesting all of this, is that he isn't an outgoing or talkative show-off - he's actually quite shy. He doesn't brag about himself, but really after some reflection, everything has been about him from the start. I guess I'm confused about the terminology that I've read about, because he doesn't saunter in a room and expect all eyes on him. I'm so confused about who this person was that I spent so many years with. I feel like I'm walking around in a hazy state, and I'm trying to sort out what was real, and what wasn't.
Tonight, I made a list of all of his behavior that made me question him, and I feel like I put up with so much, that I can't believe I actually did so. Since he's "moved out", he's done this weird dance where he only picks up a portion of his stuff at a time, then says he's coming back for more later. I finally changed the locks and was in NC for weeks before that until he randomly showed up this weekend, and now I'm back at square one emotionally. I opened up to him emotionally and he gave me the whole "I love you, and I'll always love you. But I can't be with you". For anyone reading this who is more well versed on narc behavior than I am, I'm hoping someone can read this list of memories I have and let me know if this is a covert narc behavior? Or if he's literally just a clueless jerk?
Took me to see my dying relative. A day after they died he wanted to stop at a few sights he was interested in along the way driving home. He didn't seem to care that I just wanted to go home. I remember sitting in the desert in his truck while he shopped for camping gear.
Went haywire out of town for work in Alaska. Called me from the road drunk. He was swimming in the freezing cold bay. When I told him that I was worried about him he told me that I was being silly and ended the call.
He lost his job, fell apart, couldn't deal with any of it. Moved in briefly with me because his power had been turned off and was sitting in a room reading books next to a candle.
I convinced him to go to school for something to pursue a new career. While he was in tech school he got a DUI that basically screwed up his chances to drive a company vehicle for years, so he went on the road for a year with a crew, visited home once a month, and developed a drug habit in the process. I worked through the drug habit with him and he eventually stopped that drug. I should've left him then.
Never had a long term relationship before me. Described his short term relationships like they were meaningless. Talked about one girl he dated as flat-chested to the point that it grossed him out, another had an annoying dog and was a "birdbrain".
Made me feel weird for having multiple pets. After an especially frantic day with my dogs I joked, "you must think I'm crazy", and he flatly replied, "yeah I kinda do think you're crazy".
There was an influx of homeless dogs in a shelter in our area from a hoarder's house, and when I sent an email out to friends asking them if they might want to adopt he said, "thousands of animals die every day, why are you so worked up over this"?
After moving in together he would say "what are you doing this weekend"? And then he'd tell me what he was doing and leave all weekend - camping, fishing, etc. I told him it made me feel excluded and he made me feel like I was needy. He'd shrug off my feelings and continued to do it throughout our relationship.
Always angry at his mom. I really liked his mom, but she could be overbearing. He'd ignore her calls and texts, and generally seemed frustrated with her all the time. His mom and I would talk often about his confusing behavior. She was equally upset by his disappearing acts. We talked an abnormal amount about his behavior.
Started drinking every night after work. Never slept. He said he had dreams about yelling at his entire family, almost like he was waging war with them.
Proposed to me, but never brought it up again after. When I mentioned it, he'd skirt around the issue. He said that he "didn't want a big wedding" and I'd agree, but any future planning was never discussed. When I suggested a small wedding, like Vegas, he'd say his dad would "never agree to it". Okay.
Said multiple times that he thought he was "crazy". Of course, I told him he wasn't every time.
A close friend of mine died unexpectedly and I was a mess the night I found out. I cried in the backyard all night while we played video games in the living room. His concern was superficial at first. He never asked me how I felt in the days following.
A friend he was close with growing up died unexpectedly. He mentioned it to me, but didn't have much emotion. After a few days he said he thought about it, but was "over it".
Raged over small things. Bills, not leaving a window open, one of the dogs having an accident in the house. His temper would flare over stuff that wasn't a huge deal.
Cowered to his father. His dad is hyper critical, and he would take all of his criticism and not say a word to his dad and it would fester.
Never initiated sex. Ever. Said that he knew that he wasn't "smooth", but I always had to start it. I turned him down once for sex and he never let it go.
Couldn't sit still for two seconds. Had to be moving at all times. Told me that he couldn't stand the neighborhood we lived in and needed to escape out into the mountains or the desert basically every weekend.
No ambition. Hated his job and complained that no one valued him, he was overlooked for things - but wouldn't do anything to change it. I'd try to help him with his resume and look for new jobs, but he had no interest in it.
I went to the ER once for what I thought was a concussion. He was at a friend's house a few hours away and didn't seem to care, and definitely didn't drive back to see how I was doing. I remember laying on a bed in the E.R. wondering why he wasn't there with me.
Never wanted to discuss any relationship stuff. He'd usually clam up or storm out. Mostly though, he hid in the garage and drank when things were uncomfortable.
I visited him out of town while he was working. One night in the hotel room as we were going to sleep and watching TV he said "I'm breaking up with you". I asked him what he was talking about. He went to sleep and when I brought it up the next day he said that he never said it and acted like I was making things up.
I convinced him to see a psychiatrist for his "ADD". He went on Wellbutrin and it helped him, but a few months into it he started drinking hard, and wouldn't stop even though I told him it totally negated the meds effects.
Refused therapy. Said he didn't want to "go back to the blueprints".
Bought a motorcycle when he was unemployed and it took over his social media. Didn't want to admit it was a money pit. It fell apart a few months into owning it, and he grieved for it like it was a person who had died.
Wasn't interested in doing anything that interested me, aside from parties where everyone was drinking. Said he didn't like seeing movies in the theater, museums, or libraries, and would never visit any of them with me. He always had his own plans.
Was hyper critical of my dogs. They were always doing something wrong, or not behaving how he expected them to behave. He'd tell me that growing up his dad would never put up with the behavior my dogs exhibited. I personally love having dogs on the bed and the furniture with me, and he would boil over when they behaved like, well, dogs do. We fought about this all the time.
Few close friends. He refers to his friends as "activity partners". His small circle of friends are self absorbed and controlling men.
I stopped wanting to have sex with him many months ago. I was really uncomfortable with it, and lost interest, which is rare for me. He said that he wanted it, but would never show any signs of wanting it.
I didn't feel safe in our house. I was always worried about burglars, or other nefarious types. I've never been like that before him. When I'd bring up concerns about locking windows and doors at night he'd tell me that I was paranoid, and maybe even hysterical. He's been gone for a month, and I haven't had a single thought like it since he's left. It seems like it's pretty telling, right?
The grossest feelings I'm sorting out right now is the fact that this guy may have been methodical from the start. He knew what sort of relationship I'd just left, and may have pursued me because I was vulnerable. It nauseates me to think about it. The way he walked away from our relationship and showed zero emotion is unearthly. After re-reading this list I've made (and if anyone is reading this, thank you) I really can't believe I just sat around accepting all of this stuff. It's like some frankenstein just emerged in my life, and my self-esteem was so low that I just accepted all of it.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling post, and I really appreciate anyone who has made it this far into my long weird list of things that I'm confused about.