Seen the light's Story

Beware the actor...

I met my NARC last summer. It was an online connection. Looking back now, with a new perspective of what narcissism is, I can see that there were warning signs stamped all over our initial communications. Unfortunately, I didn’t understand their full implications at the time.

Even the photo he sent me suggested a man hiding behind a mask. It was as if his expression was divided in two. The left hand side of his picture showed a hard, aloof impenetrable gaze, whereas the right hand side showed glimmers of warmth. I remember saying out loud to myself, “This man doesn’t trust people easily: he doesn’t let them in; he'd be really hard work.” I wish I’d trusted my intuition!

Our first phone conversations established an early imbalance in his favour. He wouldn’t reveal his real name – not even his first name! He said it was because of his job. I later learned that he was a successful actor. He was paranoid about revealing his private life and expressed fear and disdain for the media. On our first proper date, he warned me not to reveal his identity to people in case the paparazzi turned up on my doorstep! Talk about an inflated ego….

Although our initial two phone conversations had left me thinking that he was rather arrogant, aloof and not a very warm person (to the extent that I nearly didn’t bother meeting him), my impression changed when we met in person. The second he walked into the cafe, he was charm and charisma personified. He had a smile that could melt ice. I was instantly and overwhelmingly attracted to him and deeply flattered when he began pursuing me and contacting me on a daily basis.

Our first proper date led to sex. (I knew this was a high-risk emotionally but I was so attracted to him and he was so confident and sexy that I allowed passion to triumph over common sense.) It was awesome and adventurous. He was working at the time and only in my city one day a week, so we would always meet on his day off. The pattern was always the same – he’d arrive, all smiles and charm, we’d have sex, go out for dinner, go back to mine, have more sex and then chat for a while and he’d leave. I never questioned the fact that he didn’t stay over because I knew he needed to be in a new city the next day for his work.

For the first month, he was in touch every day. I felt so safe and secure and reassured that he wanted me. Then the pattern changed. He started to blow hot and cold, his communication became erratic and I felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath me. He still turned up for sex and dinner on his days off but it didn’t take long before I started to feel like I was providing a service instead of building a relationship. And the encounters were always at my place, never at his.

Eventually he revealed that he had to go overseas for work and could be out of the country for 3 – 6 months. He told me this two weeks before he was due to leave. Even though we’d both stated that we were looking for a long-term relationship, he admitted that he “hadn’t dated me properly” because he hadn’t wanted to get romantically entangled before going away. This cold statement partially explained his confusing behaviour but I was still gutted – I thought we had a special connection!

The only time his mask/armour slipped (or did it?) was when he called me before he left to thank me for the amazing times we’d shared. He told me how exciting and thrilling it had been for him. He also said that he’d realised I was a lovely person and that – whatever happened – he wanted to see me when he got back: he wanted me in his life as he loved my company so much.

I felt totally reassured that our connection would endure. I held a candle for months, longing for his return. During that time, his communication was highly erratic. He never called, only emailed. He would go for weeks without writing and then send something monumental, or possibly just minimal. He recounted our sexual encounters in such detail that I suspected he had a photographic memory – I was astonished how he had catalogued everything! However, he never answered my questions about life in general, in fact he refused to engage in any topic that wasn’t of his choosing – he controlled the focus of communication (mainly sexual) and its pace and he had no qualms about dropping contact without explanation.

After a flurry of very confusing and intensely passionate communication, he started sending warning signs that he didn’t know when he’d return. Every email was teasing me with possibility and leaving me with uncertainty. I was tearing my hair out wondering when we’d be reunited, so – after many confusing messages - I politely asked him to share any clarity he had about his plans. Then he dropped the bombshell: he was planning to stay overseas. All the while, he’d known that he wasn’t coming back but he’d kept me hanging on, feeding his sexual appetite and ego through remote fantasies and reminiscing.

I was so distraught – my expectations of a reunion and possible relationship had been shattered. However, I chose to respect his decision and wished him all the best, reassuring him that he had a friend in me. He reassured me the same and we stayed in touch a while longer, swapping warm emails. Then suddenly he cut all contact. I didn’t chase him. I sent two emails two months apart, both of which would have passed muster if I’d sent them to any friend – they were warm and chatty and wished him well. He ignored them both. I felt discarded without explanation. I was so hurt.

Imagine my shock when I found out recently, courtesy of the news, he was back in my home city! I’d been writing to him as though he was overseas and – for all I know, he might have been back for months. So much for “how wonderful” it would be to see me again! This underlined to me the need for closure. I was driving myself crazy wondering why he’d chosen to cut me off without explanation or consideration. And being a public figure, it wasn’t hard for him to imagine that I would find out his location from the news.

I sent a short text asking him for assistance with closure so that I could draw a dignified line under the connection we once had. Within 24 hours, I had a grovelling email apology with weak explanations for his behaviour. He stated that he didn’t want to lose the friendship (NSS more like!) and asked for my forgiveness. He asked if he could take me out for a drink to make amends. Foolishly, I said yes. And that was the last I heard from him. (One week and counting!)

Here’s the thing: if he'd genuinely felt remorseful, he'd have called. He didn’t call – even to “save” the friendship and he didn’t disclose that he was back in town. He hid behind the email: he did the absolute bare minimum to keep me as an option. I don’t believe for a second that he values me as a friend, or even that he’s capable of caring and sharing like a normal person does. And I don’t want to be his option. I am a fabulous woman who deserves a man who gives and doesn’t just take. I might have fallen for his glamour and charm, but give me depth and substance over someone as shallow and hollow as him, any day.

I’m healing now. I’ve shed many tears over him over the last year. Too many! It’s hard weaning myself off his pictures and films but they are all just illusions and personas – I never saw the real person (apart from rare glimpses of vulnerability, which melted my heart) because he kept himself so well-hidden.

I’m really grateful to have found this site. I now know that should he ever get in touch in the future, it will be purely to meet his own need for validation – not because he cares about me. I am steeling myself for No Contact and staying open to meeting a man who is decent, caring and worthy of my energy.