Seeing OW after a year of NC

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#1 Aug 19 - 9AM
round3
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Seeing OW after a year of NC

This past week me and my boys were at this huge conference we go to every year for my recovery. Last year at this time I was posting and having anxiety attacks because xN was there with OW and parading her back and forth in front of me and my kids and it was terribly painful as I was only about 3 weeks of NC at that time. Maybe not even. I was going between feelings of busting in and just telling OW everything and pure fear and anxiety from the intense emotional pain I was going through.

This year, we go, I haven't really thought too much about xN being there. I have done ALOT of work the past year, I am just over a year NC. Sitting on the beach, and then it happens. I spot OW. With another couple that seemed to have disappeared off the radar at about the 3 month mark of me going NC. That couple, the woman, I know her mother and her mother made comments to me when that couple had a 'break up' about what a jerk that guy was blah blah and thankfully I managed to keep my mouth shut. But in my head I thought, he is alot like xN. But not my deal.....

So OW, and that couple and OW's kid and that other woman has a kid and then a third kid. I watched OW put on a wet suit and go swim the lake. Left her kid with this second woman. That other woman had the three kids and I watched that 2nd guy parade around with his swim trunks on. But no xN. Very weird.

Some things I noted for myself... last year I spent alot of time thinking why is OW better? prettier? blah blah... This year, I saw her in her bikini top and putting on a wet suit. She is no better, nor no worse than me. We are just middle aged women (I think she is probably close to 10 years younger than me). But I had all that built up in my head this past year. That was Friday.

Saturday we were blessed with a friend with a pontoon boat so we were out on the lake on that all day and I had no worries of seeing the sick bunch.

The other thing I noticed... last year I could not process why xN would even be at this thing. He does not participate in recovery the way this large group does. I could not process the fact that this conference is nothing more than a stage for him to show his face. He could go to this place anytime, especially since he does not participate in the meetings or get togethers. He choses this specific 4 days to put on his show. I could not process that last year. I seriously thought he was out to get me.

I was able to stop, say some prayers, and text up one of my girlfriends for support and get through the 'sighting' quite quickly. Whereas last year I would have crapped my pants right on the beach.

I know it sounds judgemental to view OW like I posted, but it's not what I really mean. I mean to somehow say seeing her in reality sort of makes me realize I am not less than. There was nothing wrong with me that caused xN to do what he did. There was something very freeing about that moment on the beach. And there are no super powers that OW has that made that situation occur. She probably still has no flippin' clue she was being 'tested' early on in the relationship, and then baited, and then that xN was using me for sex while he was playing 'nice guy' with her, waiting for her to drop her drawers. She also probably has no clue he married her to seal the deal and make it terribly difficult for her to get away.

And I have to say, that secretly I hopeed he wasn't there because he lost his other job and had to take some crap job and had no vacation time. Yep! Because that is how petty and raggy I can be. I still wish ill will on that piece of crap. Every once in a while....

I hope everyone has a good day. I just wanted to post because I am still amazed that after a year, even though it is not near as painful or bad, and I don't sit in it for very long at all, the feelings still come .... just a little bit....

round3

Aug 20 - 6PM
thebigpayback
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very important post! thanks

Aug 19 - 11AM
Arwen
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Omg can I relate to this!

Aug 19 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
round3
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Hey ARwen!

Aug 20 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
thebigpayback
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TKO, round 3! total knock

Aug 19 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Arwen
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Thank you :-)