Screwed up my NC...Oh no. Opinions and support needed.

17 posts / 0 new

#1 May 11 - 7PM

sunny 523

Screwed up my NC...Oh no. Opinions and support needed.

Ladies,

Don't kill me! I am so sorry. I knew this was coming...I have had the urge and kept it under control for a long time. Something had to give, unfortunately.

After almost 2 months NC, I did something bad.

I NEVER drive by his place, but today, I found myself at his apartment complex. His car was there, and next thing I knew, I was at his door knocking.

Either:

a. He wasn't home (maybe went for a run, or bike ride?)...
b. He was sleeping (he can't hear the door with his fan on)...
c. He was ignoring me (ugh)...

I just went home. Didn't call him, didn't text him.

I am praying he wasn't there or was sleeping!!!

WHY DID I DO THAT???

Did I totally screw up my NC?

Did I do the right thing by not contacting him afterward?

Was this a dodged bullet?

Help. Please.

XOXO

Mer

#2 May 11 - 8PM

findingmeagain

I mean if he would've been

I mean if he would've been there what did you want from him. More lies? More hurt? More humiliation? Just move on I think he was there and probably was skinning and grinning to see you. he may have had company and thats why he didn't open up. But now that you showed up he will think you still want to be abused and may contact you "pretending to be the man you met". Be warned its a trick and will only make you feel hurt all over again. Believe me I've wanted to go and spy on my ex so bad this week I actually had to fight the urge. I just say to myself why waste gas, time, possibly my mental health (from seeing something i don't want to see) by going over there. why go over there so he can what apologize or pretend to be sorry for abusing me? for him to ignore me like i'm noone special? i chose not to do that to myself. i'm worth more than some unhappy idiot making me feel like he does. nope i declined.

#3 May 11 - 7PM

momoya

lets talk

ok wait wait after 2 months nc you are at his door? WHAT were you thinking right before this all went down. no really - what was going through your mind. No one is going to kill you for this puleez :) just let go of shame over it. But really you will help us all by looking at your thoughts right before you did this...because 2 months is a good chunk of NC time! lol I just have to say lets just go with he wasn't there and you were never seen. And if asked tell him you had a flat and needed to use a phone, any other than the truth...which is? take care and don't break Nc girl!:) come on!

momoya

#4 May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

sunny 523

momoya...

The problem is...I wasn't thinking at all!!! I pray he didn't know I was there. Can I just pretend it didn't happen? I don't want to start counting NC time over again. :(

#5 May 11 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

momoya

ok

one more what were you going to say if he answered the door? you say you weren't thinking but..i think you were. You don't have to restart the NC clock if you don't want to....all the best!

momoya

#6 May 11 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

sunny 523

momoya, I was not sure what

momoya, I was not sure what I was going to say. I just wanted to reach out somehow. Make it so we aren't on such bad terms. I don't want him to have bad feelings toward me! The last time we spoke, he hung up on me after baiting me and making me upset. Then, he said that I was manipulative. He hasn't called me since, and that was mid-March. I wish I could stop caring!!!!!

#7 May 11 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

michele115 (not verified)

Mer

He had no bad feelings or good feelings he has NO feelings...so rest easy. The problem with this disordered individuals is their lack of empathy and their feelings for themselves only - their self pity, their victimhood, their needs, there need to obtain supply. So, you don't have to try to make sure you end on "good terms" or "better terms" it's ended, until he feels the need to obtain more supply. Hopefully, you'll be father along and will know how to direct him to the nearest exit; however, the dangerous part is their inability to attach, their inability to feel empathy which allows them to use and exploit people for whatever selfish need they have and when the "usee" wakes up and cries foul, they put their behinds up on their shoulders and essentially feel entitled and justified. SO...at this juncture, knowing what you know - if he were to once again drop you on your head - this time around we couldn't blame him...cause you've been advised. I know it takes time to "get it" to "own it" but contrary to what your narc might want you to believe...HE'S NOT SPECIAL...this is not the exception to the rule... There's no mending bridges with a narc, there is only blowing them up to make sure they can't get to your side again. Whatever the outcome...thank GOD you did not establish contact. Wipe the dust off your feet and keep moving ahead. Hugs!

#8 May 11 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

sunny 523

Thanks, Michele... The thing

Thanks, Michele... The thing that keeps me wondering if things can be mended is that I am still unsure he is a narc!!! He has got to have some empathy. I find it hard to believe he has no heart!

#9 May 11 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

michele115 (not verified)

Mer

We all struggle with that thought...just look back at the treatment and the "closure" and there you'll find your answer... Play the tapes again, this time knowing what you know of the criteria and see what you come up with. Whether he's a narc or not if you're spending time here you're under some form of distress. It doesn't matter the diagnosis - in some way shape or form, we are identifying with abuse. If you feel that you were subjected to abuse that should pretty much be all the confirmation you need. The rest is semantics. Hugs!

#10 May 11 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

momoya

I am sorry it still hurts

I am sorry it still hurts you. I am six months NC and I can say that things are better but there really is no understanding of how our hearts heal. It can be a strange process. Thanks for sharing and answering my questions, we all a lot alike. We are learning from each other. feel better and take care Mer!

momoya

#11 May 11 - 7PM

ally2375

Mer

You know, a lot of us have broken NC at one time or another. I am convinced that those who do it do so for one reason: They still want something from their ex. I wouldn't waste time kicking myself over this if I were you, but I would have a really honest conversation about myself about my motivations. What is it you want from this guy? Do you want him back? An apology? Closure? To know he's miserable without you? Confirmation that he's a narcissist? Personally, I wanted all of these things at some point. But, I didn't KNOW it consciously. My friends couldn't figure out why I wouldn't just break up with the guy since he was making me so miserable! When I finally realized that the things I was seeking from my ex were NEVER gonna materialize, it was easier to let go.

#12 May 11 - 7PM

Hunter

MER

Yep,, Dodged a Bullet. If he was home and ignoring you, be prepared for a hoover. Forget about it. Please try and Stay NC. Think about this, If he was there then what? He would have either raged or he would have been nice and possibly back to square one. One thing I am positive of is they don't change. You have neither lost or gained. Hunter

#13 May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

sunny 523

Hunter...

What exactly is a "hoover"? Why should this cause a hoover, do you think? Mer

#14 May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

Deidre40

{{{mer}}} aw...I'm sorry

{{{mer}}} aw...I'm sorry you're struggling with this. You and I talked earlier about this, but I'll say that to me? It's about closure. The way he hung the phone up on you 2 months ago, and never looked back. It hurts when someone just abandons us. It might even tap into old feelings of abandonment for you, from your childhood or some other timeframe. That said, there isn't 'normal' closure as we talked about, with these men. Mine raged...hoovered...and is STILL playing games using that website that ''connects'' us. I broke things off, but same end result. No closure. He was seemingly kind to me last week, I texted him after he was banned...extending an olive branch. I too was looking for some closure. Nope. He called...one thing led to another...you know the rest. There's no closure with these types. Your ex seems passive aggressive. Mine was a raging angry psychopath. Two totally different men, same outcomes with the women they once dated. So...you drove there. Probably looking for closure. Looking for peace. But, peace at this point? Has to come from within ourselves. We have to find our own peace, despite them. I hope this helps. I'll talk with you again soon. I enjoy talking with you, mer. {{hugs}}

#15 May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

Hoover

They blow you up, Call, text, stalk, Hoover suck you in like a vacuum. I think there is a page that explains the terms we use. Hunter

#16 May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

sunny 523

Hunter

He has never hoovered before. I doubt he will start now. :( I should be happy about this, but I'm not.

#17 May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

Hunter

Be very happy, Its a lot

Be very happy, Its a lot worse if they do. You have to fight the NC, The first him he will break you, and all hell breaks loose. Keep reading and understand this. The man behind the mask is gone for good. Im sorry more than you know. But he is…. :( Hunter

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