sassyredhead's story

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#1 Jun 2 - 3PM
sassyredhead
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sassyredhead's story

Thank You - Long

Hi, there. I just wanted to say thank you for providing this forum. I have been reading the posts and articles, and have been learning a lot. I have been with my NH for 18 years; we started dating when I was 16 and we got married when I was 19. My story is very similar to many of the other ladies' in that I initially thought my NH was my Knight in Shining Armor. He was so sweet and caring, and swept me away with his swift declarations of love for me. Shortly into our marriage, I started to think I was crazy, because I couldn't understand for the life of me how someone who had started out so sweet could morph into a person with such a total LACK of empathy, and how (when I mustered the courage to bring up something that was bothering me) the problem was made to be entirely my fault. In fact, NH has said all of our problems are my fault... What really made me start seeking answers as to why I feel "crazy" and whether there was something "odd" about my NH was that I found out two years ago that he is a porn addict. Prior to that time, I knew he used porn "recreationally/occasionally," but I didn't realize he was using it EVERY DAY until two years ago. Our intimate life really declined and he got to the point where he couldn't maintain an erection unless we were watching porn, because he said he needed "visual stimulation" or "nothing was happening". When I confronted him about it all made me feel, I was told that "all guys do it" and "it has nothing to do with you" and "you just have self-esteem issues". He has never offered to stop using it or even attempted to stop using it, even though I have said it shatters me, degrades me and makes me feel as though I am not good enough. In desperation, after struggling with anti-anxiety and depression medication, I joined a support forum for women who's husbands are porn addicts, www.pornaddicthubby.com. One of the women on there said that her husband was diagnosed with NPD. I had never heard of that and decided to check it out. I was flabbergasted to discover that the symptoms of NPD seemed tailor-made to my NH, and the more I read, the more I realize that I wasn't crazy and I really have been abused! His latest excuse, when confronted with the links to barely legal teen sites is that "your feelings are your problem;" I don't make you feel that way. He also "feels uncomfortable having sex with me now, because I don't accept him as he is". He refuses to accept that his actions are hurting me. My self-esteem has taken such a beating. I can relate to what the other ladies talk about when they say their NH's constantly criticize them, belittle them, fly into rages over absolutely nothing, cut them down in front of their children and undermine their parenting, give them the silent treatment, turn every discussion (he calls every discussion an argument) into a blame-fest wherein he lists everything I have done wrong and how I have scarred him... I take responsibility for my wrongdoing in our relationship and do everything I can to make amends, but I am not ENTIRELY to blame for EVERY problem! It takes two... He has pushed me out of the way on several occasions, has slammed doors in my face, and has thrown "soft" objects at me like pillows and clothing. I don't say any of this to garner sympathy; I just am so grateful for this forum and for the people who have been sharing, and for knowing that I am not the only person going through this. I feel that I have become somewhat passive aggressive over time, because I am not allowed to express anger - I am not even allowed to have a bad day at work... I have to say that my day is "fine," even when it isn't, because otherwise he berates me for giving up my office. That is a story in and of itself. I work for a medical practice, and we really needed my office space for patients. It was not hardship for me to give it up. I sit right outside my boss' office now and am much happier there. But for him, who feels entitled to have an office at work and hasn't received one, the fact that I had one and gave it up is a big deal. I could go on and on, as I am sure most of the ladies on this forum could. Thanks for listening to me babble, and thanks again for being there. :)

Jun 2 - 11PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

SassyRedHead - Why Narcissists are addicted to porn

I'm so glad you found our forum. It makes me so mad that you have had to endure this from this man. I don't know if this will help, but I've copied and pasted some text from my book, which explains why Narcissists are warped sexually. Please know this is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. It's all about him! Narcissists do not see women in a healthy way. They are unable to see a woman as cute (i.e. sweet) and sexy at the same time. No, narcissists categorize women into one of two separate categories—saintly or sexy. They have a very difficult time seeing a woman as both. To them, a woman is either one or the other, but never both. This is what psychologists refer to as a Madonna-whore complex. If a woman is sweet and nice, she is classified as a Madonna. If she challenges him, she is defined as a whore. A Madonna is sexless. A whore turns a narcissist on like nothing else. In the beginning of a relationship, every woman is sexy to a narcissist because the thrill of the chase makes her enticing. The harder to get she plays, the sexier she becomes. However, once she has been conquered by the narcissist, she slowly loses her desirability. The more comfortable the relationship becomes and the more caring she becomes, the less enticing she is to him sexually. She loses her sex appeal and becomes a saintly Madonna figure. A Madonna fulfills a narcissist’s need to be catered to like a child. A whore fulfills his adult sexual needs. A whore is the only type of woman that turns a narcissist on. A Madonna is completely sexless. Over time, any woman who is good and caring to a narcissist will inevitably become sexless. Many narcissists revert to pornography at this point, because it portrays women as whores. Pornography is degrading to women, and this is exactly what turns a narcissist on. Many become addicted to pornography. A narcissist eventually withdraws sexually from any type of intimate relationship you once had with him. I believe it is inevitable in any long-term relationship with a narcissist. You become sexless. You become the Madonna. He still needs you, no doubt. However, this is not because he is in love with you in any adult or mature way. He needs you to continue to cater to his needs. He needs you to ensure that someone will always be present to stroke his ego, should the outside world fall short of his expectations. I fear the easy access young teenagers have to pornography today breeds narcissism. When pornography is a teenager’s first introduction to sex, I believe it skews their understanding of it. Instead of learning that sex is something you save for someone you love, they see people having sex with many random people in pornography. What does this tell teens about sex? It tells them that sex is not sacred. It teaches them that sex need not be reserved for only the one you love. Many teens today are learning about sex and love through pornography. As a result, I believe they see the two as mutually exclusive. In other words, they see sex and love as two completely separate entities, which is precisely how a narcissist views them. A narcissist does not view sex as a reflection of one’s love for another. He views sex as something completely separate from love. To a narcissist, love is sexless, pure, and saintly, whereas sex is dirty and reserved for whores.
Jun 2 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

porn and the N

welcome sassy porn addicted Ns are VERY common. Porn feeds into their seeing others as OBJECTS and THINGS to be used. Of course normal women can never measure up to porn and 95% of the time these guys have affairs, see hookers and so on. It's always our fault - which is a great big lie. I hope you are making plans to get out and away from him as he will not change - he will get worse and the situation will escalate as he will need more and more perverse stuff to get his "fix." I have even known Ns to start watching the stuff in front of children saying it's GOOD FOR THEM. You deserve better than this. Perhaps short term counseling and a plan to get out and have your own life will start you on the road to recovery. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/