sassyredhead's story
sassyredhead's story
Thank You - Long
Hi, there. I just wanted to say thank you for providing this forum. I have been reading the posts and articles, and have been learning a lot. I have been with my NH for 18 years; we started dating when I was 16 and we got married when I was 19. My story is very similar to many of the other ladies' in that I initially thought my NH was my Knight in Shining Armor. He was so sweet and caring, and swept me away with his swift declarations of love for me. Shortly into our marriage, I started to think I was crazy, because I couldn't understand for the life of me how someone who had started out so sweet could morph into a person with such a total LACK of empathy, and how (when I mustered the courage to bring up something that was bothering me) the problem was made to be entirely my fault. In fact, NH has said all of our problems are my fault... What really made me start seeking answers as to why I feel "crazy" and whether there was something "odd" about my NH was that I found out two years ago that he is a porn addict. Prior to that time, I knew he used porn "recreationally/occasionally," but I didn't realize he was using it EVERY DAY until two years ago. Our intimate life really declined and he got to the point where he couldn't maintain an erection unless we were watching porn, because he said he needed "visual stimulation" or "nothing was happening". When I confronted him about it all made me feel, I was told that "all guys do it" and "it has nothing to do with you" and "you just have self-esteem issues". He has never offered to stop using it or even attempted to stop using it, even though I have said it shatters me, degrades me and makes me feel as though I am not good enough. In desperation, after struggling with anti-anxiety and depression medication, I joined a support forum for women who's husbands are porn addicts, www.pornaddicthubby.com. One of the women on there said that her husband was diagnosed with NPD. I had never heard of that and decided to check it out. I was flabbergasted to discover that the symptoms of NPD seemed tailor-made to my NH, and the more I read, the more I realize that I wasn't crazy and I really have been abused! His latest excuse, when confronted with the links to barely legal teen sites is that "your feelings are your problem;" I don't make you feel that way. He also "feels uncomfortable having sex with me now, because I don't accept him as he is". He refuses to accept that his actions are hurting me. My self-esteem has taken such a beating. I can relate to what the other ladies talk about when they say their NH's constantly criticize them, belittle them, fly into rages over absolutely nothing, cut them down in front of their children and undermine their parenting, give them the silent treatment, turn every discussion (he calls every discussion an argument) into a blame-fest wherein he lists everything I have done wrong and how I have scarred him... I take responsibility for my wrongdoing in our relationship and do everything I can to make amends, but I am not ENTIRELY to blame for EVERY problem! It takes two... He has pushed me out of the way on several occasions, has slammed doors in my face, and has thrown "soft" objects at me like pillows and clothing. I don't say any of this to garner sympathy; I just am so grateful for this forum and for the people who have been sharing, and for knowing that I am not the only person going through this. I feel that I have become somewhat passive aggressive over time, because I am not allowed to express anger - I am not even allowed to have a bad day at work... I have to say that my day is "fine," even when it isn't, because otherwise he berates me for giving up my office. That is a story in and of itself. I work for a medical practice, and we really needed my office space for patients. It was not hardship for me to give it up. I sit right outside my boss' office now and am much happier there. But for him, who feels entitled to have an office at work and hasn't received one, the fact that I had one and gave it up is a big deal. I could go on and on, as I am sure most of the ladies on this forum could. Thanks for listening to me babble, and thanks again for being there. :)
SassyRedHead - Why Narcissists are addicted to porn
porn and the N