SarahL's Story

I came across this site yesterday after researching narcissism for weeks, since realising that my ex is most probably one of these life sucking vampires (even though I have moments of doubt when I think it was me that was the demanding, sensitive, evil one). This is a brief outline of what happened to me and my children.

In hindsight, I should have noticed the signs from the beginning, but I had never heard of narcissistic personality disorder until a few weeks ago. He had been married twice. Both his ex's ended up having nervous breakdowns and his second wife (who is still not divorced from) ran off with his best friend, after having an affair for over a year (or so he tells me). His first wife attempted suicide 5 times whilst she was with him, and I know his second wife attempted it once because I was there, while she was on the phone taking an overdose while she spoke to him (because he wouldn't have her back). I am very good friends with his first wife now (even though narc completely turned me against her when we were together, as they do). He has full custody of their 3 children. I now know that he completely drove her to the point of insanity and she had no way of winning in the court battle. He completely and utterly destroyed that woman. Even now, he has stopped the kids seeing her because he has told them that she is not in the right frame of mind to have them. Utter bullshit!!!!

This bastard got into my head from the minute I saw him. He mesmerised me. I was in a pretty miserable relationship with my children's father. We were together for 7 years. Narc started at the compamy where I worked as the sales director. Soon after he started his second wife left him. I was the one he consoled in via msn, every single day. He spoke about his troubles and I told him all about my unhappy relationship. Perfect bait hey!! After a couple of months I told him that I had deeper feelings for him, and that same evening, via msn, he told me that he was in love with me. I was completely hooked, and 2 days later I ended the relationship with my children's father. I even told him that I was in love with the narc!!!! In my eyes I was.

We started our long distance relationship. He lived about an hour away from me (which I guess isn't long distance in the States though lol). I was in absolute ore of him. He fed me the usual garbage, that we were soul mates, and that he had never connected with anyone like he did with. He knew what I was thinking before I said it. He used to send me the most amazing texts. I had never read anything like it. They were straight from his heart (yeah right!!!!). I was completely in love with him. I had never ever ever felt this way before. He was my knight in shining armour. He was going to make me and my kids so happy and we would live happily ever after. I felt so guilty about what I did to my children’s father, but it was meant to be. It was fate. He always said that everything was fate!!!! At first we saw each other at weekends. Mainly me driving over to his, but sometimes he would come to mine, but he would always have to leave early on a Sunday because his kids would be home from their mum’s. Stupid me used to go back with him on the Sunday and come home again in the evening!!! I couldn’t bear to be apart from him. It killed me not seeing or speaking to him. I was obsessed. It was all perfect. I had found the man of my dreams.

After six months I made the biggest mistake of my life. I gave up my job, took my son out of school and moved in with him. I kept asking him if it was too soon but he said that it’s never too soon if we are meant to be together. I was concerned that his kids had only a few months earlier lost their second mum, and that me moving in would upset them, but he said that they were ok with it. What did he care about his kids for anyway, the self absorbed, selfish, evil bastard that he is!!!

I had no money coming in at all, and I am not the kind of person that takes off anyone. I have always been independent and self sufficient. He told me that he bought his ex’s everything and I think that it annoyed him that I wouldn’t let him get me anything. He had not a nice to word to say about either of his ex’s. He actually wanted his second wife and his ex best friend dead (and he meant it). He was convinced that his first wife wanted to get the kids back and was turning them against us!! I believed him at the time. I felt so sorry for him. How could two women shit on such a genuinely honest, wonderful, kind man like him. He did nothing wrong in any of the relationships. They both took advantage of his kind nature. I was constantly reassuring him that he had done nothing wrong and I couldn’t understand why they would leave him.
Anyway, not long after moving in, I started to see his true colours coming through. He was having troubles at work. He didn’t like it because nobody took any notice of his great ideas to bring lots of business in. He could make them loads of money but they just shrugged off his ideas. Maybe they had realised what a prick he was!!!!! He started getting ill even before I moved in with him. He was hospitalised with a kidney infection and was also diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. He had so many worries but I was there to support and care for him, which I did. I worried about him every minute of every day. I was utterly devoted to making sure he was alright. I soon began thinking of myself as an unpaid live in nanny. I spent the whole day cleaning. I didn’t even have time to eat, and completely neglected my 2 year old daughter because I had too much other stuff to do!!! He told me that his second wife didn’t want to work, so her job was to look after the house. He said that she enjoyed it, so I felt as though I had to live up to her standards. It became an obsession. I had to impress him and do a better job than her. His kids were so untidy. I tried and tried to ask him to get the kids to at least put the washing in the washing basket, but to no avail. It was always turned back on me. ‘They are kids. I don’t expect kids to be tidying up’. I told him that it was a simple request and would make them be more independent in later life, but things never changed!! His son was stealing money out of my purse for months. I kept telling the narc but he didn’t do anything about it. Finally, he put a webcam up in the bedroom, and his son was caught red handed going into the wardrobe and getting money out of my purse. The narc was very cool, calm and collected about it, sat him down, and had a bit of a word. Nothing too spectacular considering I had no money and his son had been stealing off me for months!!!

My 5 year old son was so unhappy there. He said that the other kids were being mean to him all the time and he was always crying and upset. He started wetting the bed, having nightmares, chewing things and reverted to baby talk. All signs of stress!!! I voiced my concerns to N and he said that siblings fight and that my son was ok. I was being over the top. I was in the process of getting counselling for my son through school, as I know my son, and I knew something was wrong. N went along with it but said that he would not have put his kids through it!!! He also had my daughter calling him daddy within a few days of moving in with him. He said that he loved my kids as much as his own and he found it odd that I didn’t feel the same about his. I loved them, but it wasn’t the same love that I had for my own children. It never could be in my eyes!!!

He started with the subtle put downs. I am very very sensitive and he knew exactly which buttons to press. He couldn’t put me down about my weight because I am very slim, but he used my emotions instead. I was unable to voice any concerns without him getting defensive. I don’t even know how the arguments started. I think I have blocked most of the incidents out as they were too hurtful. He would go into a rage and say the most hurtful things to me. I would apologise over and over again but to no avail. The amount of times I cried myself to sleep, and he just didn’t react. I just couldn’t understand why he would do this to me. I was trying so hard to make him happy!! He used to say that I was beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. This turned to you are beautiful on the outside but ugly on the inside. He called me controlling, selfish. He once said that I was a selfish bitch as I had done the same thing to my ex partner as his wives had done to him. I couldn’t believe that the man that I loved could say these things to me. I was heartbroken and falling to pieces but I put it down to him being stressed.

In about March this year, he came downstairs and said that he had backache. My intuition told me that there was something wrong so I made him an appointment at the doctors. He was rushed to A&E and was diagnosed with blood clots on both lungs. I had saved his life. He could have dropped dead at any time (looking back, I really do wish I would have ignored it and let him die!!!!!). He was in hospital for 3 days. I was a nervous wreck. I was by his side whenever I could get someone to have the kids. When he came out I had to make sure that he took his tablets. He was like another child.

I was starting to lose my mind completely. I hyperventilated in the neighbour’s arms whilst in his garden. N’s response to this was to get his kids in the car, leave my children in the garden alone, and drive off. I knew that things weren’t right and that I was living with a lunatic, but I believed that it was all down to the stress and that he really did love me, and that once things were sorted, we would go back to how it was at the beginning.
It never happened. He sunk into depression. He had nervous breakdown. I spent nights sat up with him, comforting him while he cried. He wasn’t looking after himself. He wasn’t eating properly so was having, what I believed to be hypo’s due to his diabetes. I spent hours trying to make him eat. Looking back, I don’t know if it was all an act, cos he could see that I was fighting back and not taking his shit anymore. I had lost every part of me. I was completely broken. I lost my identity, self esteem, self worth, everything had gone!!!

I haven’t mentioned the sex yet. How could I forget it. I am trying to block it out, but I can’t, however much I try. The first night we slept together, he told me that I asked him to do things to me, which I don’t believe I did. It’s all a haze to be honest. I was not into dirty sex at all!!! I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking him to do what he said I did, but he insisted that I did. He did that quite a bit, implied that I said things or did things that in my mind I knew I hadn’t but questioned myself over it, and questioned my sanity too. We had phone sex every night whilst living apart. I got addicted to it, even though it was degrading and embarrassing. I have never experienced sex like I had with him before. He treated me like a whore. He was obsessed with porn, dogging, swinging etc. He had the biggest porn selection ever. I made it clear that I wasn’t into it, and to be fair on the bastard, he only put it on a few times whilst being with me. I know that with his second wife (his first wife told me this), he couldn’t have sex with her without having porn on. The things he said to me were sick. He asked me to say things that I didn’t want to say and told me his sick fantasies, which are too graphic and disturbing to write on here. He kept going on about us going to a swinging club. I thought it would make him happy if I went along with him. We ended up being parked outside for about an hour an a half but I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I felt as though I had let him down afterwards. Sex with him has left me feeling used, abused, violated, degraded. I trusted him with every part of me and it was all a fucking lie. I was just an object, a whore, a plaything to him!!!

I finally found the strength to leave. I had tried before and I know now that he would have just let me go, but I always begged him and said that I was sorry, and that it was me that was in the wrong, and that I would change. One time I did leave for 3 days. I came back and begged him again, saying that I loved him and wanted it to work, and that I would make more of an effort with the kids etc. His response was that he had not had time to think but he wanted us to come back. I went back!!! The reason for leaving was fated I think. I was unable to get my son back into his old school (we had only been living with him for 8 months btw). One of the best schools in the area did have a place though, so that was my incentive to get me and my children out of that war zone!!! On the morning when I left, I packed all my belongings. It took me hours. He just sat on the couch. He later said that it was too upsetting for him to help. He made out that he doted on my children and that it was breaking his heart that we were leaving. It took me hours to actually find the strength to drive away from his house, and even on my way home, I rang him so many times wanting him to tell me to come back. That we could work it out, but his response was that he wanted us to stay but we had to think about the children!!! Oh well, I couldn’t argue with that!!!

I came home. He was the man I knew at the beginning again. He told me how much he loved me and didn’t want anyone else. He was heartbroken and so was I (but my heartbreak was genuine). My parents were actually going to take me to hospital because they were so worried about me. I was half dead. I had lost so much weight (I was 6 stone). I couldn’t speak, eat, sleep). The bastard actually phoned my mum the day after I came back and told her that he was worried about me and that I was ill and needed to see a doctor. He suggested to me that we have a long distance relationship. It could work cos we could bypass any obstacle because our love was so strong. I agreed because I worshipped him and was addicted to him, and believed that he wanted it to work, even at distance. He came over to visit for the weekend. It was great, but I was noticing that he was adding loads of women on face book. He had absolutely no friends by the way. Things weren’t adding up in my head. Somewhere along the lines, we decided that a long distance relationship wouldn’t work. He told me that I was his best friend and that he can’t live without me in his life. The thought of me being with someone else would destroy him. He started sending me texts saying that his life wasn’t worth living and that he had stopped taking his medication. Of course, I was worried sick. The next day he would send me a text saying that he was being silly and was just having a bad day etc etc. Complete headfucking stuff. This went on for a while. I didn’t know what to believe, what to think. Was he playing with me???

Anyway, he had an appointment with his consultant one Saturday, because he was diagnosed with a fatty liver, as well as everything else. He phoned me after in bits, saying that the consultant was really unhappy with the results and had booked him in for an urgent MRI Scan. Being his best friend, I dropped my plans and drove over to his to be with him. He was so appreciative of me being there and he cried and I comforted him. After having sex with him he said that he was going to set me free. He said that he loves me so much but he understands that I will meet someone else, and that however much it will destroy him, he will be happy for me. He said that it was fated that we met as we would be lifelong friends now!!! BULLSHIT!!!! I told him that I had no interest in meeting anyone else. I was totally in love with him. Looking back, it was all his get out clause. He was already feeding off another victim!!!

The last time I saw him was when he came over to mine. I told him that I knew that he wasn’t be honest with me. My intutition was really kicking in. I told him that if he was honest we would be friends forever, but if he lied to me then I would never speak to him again. I questioned him over the girls on FB, as to why our chats on the phone only lasted a couple of mins, as to why whenever I commented on anything on his FB, there would always be a sarcastic remark put back, as to why he didn’t tell his kids that he was visiting me, even though I had been with them the week before. Too many questions for him. Even before now, he had started being sick at nights. I think it was due to the fact that I was working him out. The last straw was when he didn’t get an erection with me. This had never happened and I knew there was a reason. I drove him crazy with my questions after that. He was for once tongue tied. He told me that he was chatting to women on FB as they understood and as he had no friends it was the only thing he could do. I asked if I could see his FB and he blatantly refused (not that I would look anyway). He told me that he was telling them personal stuff. I told him that I was meant to be his best friend so why could he not tell me, and why could he not open up while we were together. I used to plead with him to speak to me. He then said that he was telling them that he wanted to kill himself!!! BULLSHIT!!! He said that the reason that he didn’t get an erection was because he was woried about his health, even though a few hours before, he had told me that he was not that worried and knew he would be ok????? WTF!!! The following morning I told him that it was time that we accepted that it was over and asked him to leave.

I did some prying and found him on a number of dating sites right away. I did send him a text and question him about it (after all, he had told me outright that he wasn’t going to get into another relationship for a long long time, as he wouldn’t get over me). He gave the excuse that he wanted to get his confidence back and see if anyone would be interested in him. I logged onto his FB and saw that he had taken a girl out, to the same place where he took me on our first date. He used exactly the same line on her too ‘you’re beautiful on the outside as well as the inside’. I was absolutely heartbroken. I told him I knew but he tried to get around it. My world had collapsed around me. How could he do this to me. All I wanted to do was make him happy. He said that nobody ever made him feel like me.

I have had NC with him for around 2 weeks now. He was contacting my friend through FB and feeding her info to get back at me, saying that he loved me and the kids and is really sad that it ended etc etc. This is at the same time as slandering me on FB btw. I asked her to delete him as a friend. She made the mistake of telling him that she was going to delete him. Around 4 nights ago I got a text from him asking why I got my friends to delete him. That he has left me alone as I asked, and that he doesn’t understand why I hate him so much. He said that he is happy that I am happy, and that he knows that this isn’t the real me. I pressed delete. I don’t have his number, email. I’ve blocked him and all his family off FB. The only person I am in touch with is his first wife, who despises him as much as me. She has taught me a lot about the person that he really is. She was with him for 12 years.

I did find out yesterday that he has a new girlfriend, who he has already introduced to his kids. This will be their 4th mum in 6b years probably!!! What a fucker!!!!! I am heartbroken but I know that he doesn’t love her, just like he never loved me or the others!!! He will use her and spit her out, just like he did with me.

I am currently undergoing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which will hopefully help me come to terms with what that parasite did to me and my children. I will never ever forgive him but I know that I have to move on. I am better than that, and deserve someone who will treat me with the respect that I deserve. I think that all in all I am handling the situation quite well. Yes, I have really down days, but I have great support. I have to stay strong for my kids sake at the end of the day xxx