Samantha's story

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#1 Dec 20 - 2PM
Samantha
Samantha's picture

Samantha's story

I don’t expect much, if any, sympathy from my story because I know I behaved horribly. I hope that my experience is a lesson for others who may be in a similar situation. I’m leaving out a lot of details in order to make my story short, but I think this audience will see a lot of similarities between my narc and the one you experienced.

Let me start by getting it all out in the open – I am a married woman who had an affair with a married narcissist. In addition, we had the affair while his wife (I’ll call her Sherry) was pregnant with their first child. I know what I did wasn’t right and I’m still dealing with the aftermath of my actions.

I met him, I’ll call him Dan, at work. We started off going to innocent lunches together, then he would join my friends and I for after-work beers. After about 6 weeks I realized I was attracted to him but considered it a “work crush” – an attractive guy who I admired. Beers with friends started to end with him and me alone. He’d talk about his unhappy marriage (he was married 5 years, me for 11) and I started to share too. The night of our first kiss he told me that he found out that day from his wife that she thought she was pregnant. I knew I’d made a terrible mistake and wanted to tell him that kiss was a one-time event that would never happen again. We went to lunch the next day and talked but ended up kissing again. This lead to a very intimate and intense affair that lasted through the fall of 2009 and into the winter of 2010.

He told me how horrible his wife was and how she would make irrational demands of him. How she screamed at him and at one point accused him of wanting to terminate the pregnancy. I was sympathetic and supportive. We spent hours talking about him and his feelings. We talked about what our relationship would be like if we weren’t already with other people. He was completely into me (or so I thought) and we spent a lot of time together. He told me things like he wished he had met me sooner in his life, etc.

I obviously knew the baby was coming and kept saying to him, “Once your son is born you won’t remember my name.” He assured me that wasn’t true but he was just so confused on what he wanted out of life. He told me I made him happy but his parents were divorced and he didn’t want that for his son. On the other hand, he promised me he would not stay in an unhappy marriage. Through all of this I set my own feelings aside and did everything I could to be supportive of him.

[I am still kicking myself for believing all his crap. I was such a fool.]

So, Dan’s son was born six weeks premature, in early March. Of course he and I split once that happened but we still worked together so we talked nearly every day. I was devastated last spring. I had completely fallen in love with him but still had to interact with him on a daily basis. It was impossible for me to hide the pain I was in. (At one point, I remember him saying to me, “It’s flattering to me that this has been so hard on you.” So yeah – he enjoyed my pain. From that day I strove to do a better job of hiding my feelings while at work.) I last 20 pounds (when I really didn’t have it to lose) and went through depression and even a few anxiety attacks.

For four months I tried to get Dan out of my head and refocus my energy on my marriage. Things were improving at home. Dan, of course, wanted us to be friends (which I’ve learned from this site is a way for him to keep his hooks in me – and it really was). In June, we started talking more – he would come into my office at the end of the day and after a while he started telling me again how things weren’t working out at home and that he and Sherry were fighting again. He said he missed me and that he was unhappy without me. We met for drinks after work and one of the first things he said to me was, “I think it’s just a matter of time before we’re together” and “when my son was being born I was thinking of you and wishing you were there to share the moment with me.” (When his son was born, he sent me a text from the hospital within an hour. He told me I was the first person he’d contacted after family.)

In July we started our affair again. We didn’t see each other as much because he wanted to be home in the evenings with his son (or so he said) and we didn’t resume sexual intercourse (but we did everything else). In early October, my husband found out about Dan and I. I told Dan he should tell his wife because I knew my husband was going to go to her with what he found.

I decided to be completely honest with my husband, to answer all his questions and to accept blame for my actions. Dan, in true fashion, continued to lie to his wife. He first denied there was ever a physical affair, then he told her there was. He left out information and then said I had pursued him and that he was appeasing me because he was worried I would go to HR if he didn’t continue to meet me for drinks or lunches. Of course, that never even entered my mind. He told his wife he thought I was an alcoholic (I admit I was drinking more last winter than I should have) while ignoring the fact that there were several times when my friends either had to drive him home or wait until he was sober enough to get home on his own. I remember getting text messages from him on Saturday morning, telling me that he was breaking into a bottle of vodka and planned to finish it while he did chores around the house.

Sherry and my husband spoke twice to check the stories they were told. She found out again and again that Dan still wasn’t being honest with her. (He lied to her face about me ever being to their house, for example.) It’s only been about two months since all of this came up, but my husband and I are working on our marriage to fix our problems. As far as I know, Dan and his wife are still together as well although I don’t know how she can trust him when she’s caught him in lie after lie, even when he said he was “coming clean” about the affair. From the discussions my husband had with Sherry, I found out that Dan asked her to terminate the pregnancy and when she didn’t he said he didn’t want the word “baby” used in their house. After the baby was born, Dan has never gotten up in the middle of the night or provided any help with their son.

Another thing I found out – over a year ago, Sherry’s mother sent her an email where she said she thought that Dan was a narcissist. Sherry shared this mail with my husband and he let me read it. What she said struck me, and that’s when I went online to learn more. Her mother was right – Dan is a textbook example of narcissism. Where I use to feel anger and jealousy for Sherry, I now feel sympathy. She is still in that relationship with him and I can see how he emotionally abuses her.

I got very lucky and found a new job in early November. I haven’t spoken with Dan since the first week of November. At first I was heartbroken that he could walk away from me so easily, but I consider myself lucky. There are times I miss him, but then I remember it was all built on lies and I think about how much better I feel about myself now that he's gone.

Like I said, I don’t expect sympathy because I knowingly had an affair with a married man whose wife was pregnant. I just hope my story serves to help others and that if you find yourself in the same situation you’ll realize that you need to get out. It will be hard, but it is the best thing you can do for yourself. More than anything – never, ever ignore your intuition, that feeling in your gut or the voice in your head that’s trying to warn you. Trust yourself.

Jan 22 - 6PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

I'm interested what innocent

I'm interested what innocent lunches look like? If you know he's married and you go to lunch together thats not innocent. That was the first mistake after that he had you caught. My Narc *married and his screwing partner also married met in the gym and were going at it like baboons in the car in the carparks around work. That probably also started innocently, and will cost him his job. I'm not judging you, you know what you did and sound penitent. Be nice to the Karma bitch because her slaps are very powerful. I hope this piece of human waste leaves you alone now so you can get on with your life.
Jan 23 - 8PM (Reply to #17)
Samantha
Samantha's picture

Response to fooled no longer

Hi, FNL: An innocent lunch is when I go to lunch with a coworker and it's just lunch and us talking about work. I work in a male dominated industry and it's not uncommon for me to go to lunch with married or single men. I have always had male friends so going to lunch with the new guy on the team seemed natural. (I will say that when I go to lunch now with male coworkers that I make sure there's always at least one other person with us.) I'm not sure what to make of your karma comment? I know what I did was wrong and am actively working to make my marriage work. I kinda think I paid my karma debt in real time - I lost 20 pounds, was wracked with guilt, went through depression and panic attacks, and basically had a shitty 2010. Not coincidentally, once my relationship with the jerk ended, my life got immensely better. I have not heard from the narc since early November, when I left our company. Although the stories I've read on this site make it sound like it's common for them to come back around, I do not expect to hear from him for the rest of my life, and that suits me just fine.
Jan 21 - 7PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Oh Samantha thank you for

Oh Samantha thank you for posting this. I am married and have been involved with a Narc for the past year. He is not married. I had a previous relationship with him when I was much younger. When I read your story it scared the shit out of me. I dont want to lose my family. I dont judge you at all it happens so easily and in my case he had our previous relationship (which was full of drama and turmoil) to draw on so before I knew it I was hooked again. I too believe that he is flattered about how much hurt his has caused me. I can almost see the grin on his face and he reads my desperate texts. I hate him. Thank you for scaring the shit out of me.
Jan 23 - 8PM (Reply to #15)
Samantha
Samantha's picture

For Sick Of It

Ugh. I've been thinking about you for the past day, since I read your comment. The best thing you can do is to immediately stop seeing this guy. What you are doing is risking your sanity, your health and your family. I know it's hard. I truly do. I have never been much of a crier, but last year I cried more than I ever have in my whole life, all because I put myself in a terrible situation with a man I discovered to be completely not worth the damage it did to me, my marriage and to the people I truly value on this planet. Please reach out to me if there's anything I can do to answer questions or provide support. I don't see a way for me to send you my email privately, but if there is please let me know if you want it. I read through this site on a near daily basis if you want to post something to me. I know you know what the right thing to do is. And I know you think you're not strong enough to do it, but I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. The affair you're having is more of an emotional toll than ending it will be. I bet if you think back to the woman you were before you started that affair, you like that woman better than who you are now. You CAN get back to your old self. I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER. Once you get through the initial pain, you'll find yourself enjoying your life more and realizing you are stronger each and every day.
Jan 19 - 11PM
eyesopen
eyesopen's picture

It Gets Better

God, this could be my story. His wife was also pregnant. She was tipped off by a neighbor and walked in on us while we were at his house. It all came apart that day. After the yelling and the crying he was at her side. It became so clear the she was not the cold mean person he claimed to want to leave. By the time I returned home she had already called my husband and a coworker. My narc blamed everything on me. My husband asked me to leave. I spent the next week on a friends couch. It was a terrible time. It got better. I stopped kicking myself. My narc and his wife eventually divorced. I stayed with my husband. I didn't think he could forgive me, but in time he did. Thank you god for him. That was the worst part. Seeing how much I hurt him and understanding what I almost lost. I messed up. That was almost two years ago. I'm in love with my husband again and I am happy. I still think about what happened. I think about all the lies I told myself and everyone else. I think about the things I did. I think about how unhealthy I was. Thankfully though, most of the time I don't think about it all. I hope it works out for you Samantha. Thank you everyone for this site. I wish I had found it two years ago when things were at the worst. I'm glad this is here to help others.
Jan 21 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
Samantha
Samantha's picture

Thanks, eyesopen

I can't believe how similar our situations are/were. My husband and I are rebuilding our marriage and I think things are going well. It's only been 3-1/2 months so the wounds are still raw, but we're recommitted to each other and addressing our problems. I'm so grateful that he didn't toss me out. I hope the narc's wife realizes the kind of person he is and gets out for her and her baby's health. The more I read on this site the more I realize how lucky I am that I got away from him. To use small words: he's not a good person. I made so many excuses for him and ignored the warning flags in my gut, but at the end of the day there's no ignoring that he's wired wrong. Thank you for your comment. It helps so much to know I'm not the only one who made a terrible mistake, but a mistake that can be corrected with time and effort.
Jan 24 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
eyesopen
eyesopen's picture

These men are all too common

These men are all too common. One is dating my little sister which is why I started researching. After reading so much about narcs I don't think our situation is so unusual. It scares me. I grew up in a very trusting family. I've realized how naive I am. I've never met anyone who was so into me, so flattering and so needing of me. I should have known it was an act. Real people aren't like that. Not all the time at least. I'm glad you and your husband are trying. That first year was difficult for us. My husband was so wounded. For no reason he would become distant, depressed or upset. Then a few days later would be ok. I was also hurting. I was just so mad at myself and my narc (I didn't know what a narc was back then, but I knew he was a little weasel and an ass). I made some good decisions that helped my marriage (after six months of making bad ones). I decided to be completely honest with my husband. I confessed everything. It was very hard, but I wanted us to have another chance with no more secrets. I promised him that I would never lie to him again, and that I would work hard to be a partner that he could once again trust. I've kept this promise to him and myself. I will never again live a life of lies. I also made a great effort to give my husband as much TLC as I could. Especially when he would get trapped in his blues. That seemed to help him come out of it faster. It also brought us closer. My narc's wife is divorcing him. At least she was last time I heard. I only know because his wife and I share a common friend (after we were caught my narc refused to acknowledge that I exist. I had no closure). I learned that I was not his first affair and that his wife had known about the one before me. After catching him a second time she must have had enough. I use to get so angry with her for treating him so poorly (so I thought). Now I'm glad for her that she leaving the little snake.
Jan 11 - 2PM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

No one is judging

The pain that is inflicted by these men isn't something that ANYONE deserves. Sharing your story is a kind thing to do to help others who are struggling, and I commend you for your honesty and willingness to take responsibility for your part in the situation. Trust your gut is right. I sure wish I had listened to mine.
Jan 3 - 4AM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Don't beat yourself up so much

I think most of us here have experienced how hard it is when the "Dan" in our life seduces us. It's very hard to resist being offered something so special and presented as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity from someone so unique and wonderful. I never would have dreamed of cheating on my partner, but it's amazing how quickly the boundaries start shifting. And then it's just as hard to come to terms with how it was all an illusion.
Jan 4 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
Samantha
Samantha's picture

Thanks, PrettyPeeved

I appreciate the support you and everyone else on this site has shown me. It's far more than I expected under the circumstances.
Dec 20 - 10PM
Jean
Jean's picture

I can relate to your story

a little. I've been married 11 years, and I had a work "fling" but only an emotional one. The only thing that ever happened physically was a back rub and that was early on. . .at my desk. We talked every day for 5 months, but only at work. He just teased me. But the little reptile did go to HR, never telling me he was uncomfortable (I guess I am supposed to be a mind reader) and stabbed me in the back. After he went to his supervisor the first time, he continued to flirt with me and clue me in to personal details, then a week later WHAM I found myself in a meeting with his supervisor and he was wringing his hands and confessing he "just wanted a professional relationship." There are more details that show his obvious gutless Narc ways - see jdog's tale if you want to know. I felt really guilty for awhile but told my husband everything. It's been about six weeks and I am starting to feel normal. My husband has been very cool and mostly seems to be focusing on my own mental health. I am really happy to hear you got another job. See the Narc every day is a bummer. Also, it sounds like your husband has been forgiving. Let me tell you, these f*ckers are extra-seductive. I am so glad I didn't do anything with this guy but the truth is I would have, in a second, if he'd snapped his fingers. That's what scares me. So, I don't feel very guilty, just bad that I put my own marriage on the back-burner. Mostly I feel angry for being fooled. You should also ask yourself - if the Narc hadn't been so aggressive about starting something up, would you have had an affair? I've had three "close calls" since I've been married. The two flirtations with Narcs drove me and obsessed me and made me want to do something and I would have if either had responded favorably. The third guy was a normal co-worker (a lot like my husband) and we were obviously attracted to each other, but we had a reasonable conversation about it and decided to do nothing. It is very hard to resist seduction and flattery. The Narc in my case really used sexual energy to hook me in, then did nothing about it. It was a classic case of sexually frustrating his prey. Please do forgive yourself. It sounds like you've made really good decisions in moving on, getting another job, and staying out of contact with the Narc. You have definitely found the right place. This board is absolutely a life-saver and esteem-builder.
Dec 20 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
Samantha
Samantha's picture

Let's put them on an island

Thanks so much for telling me your story. Is it possible to get your narc and mine shuttled off to an island where they can't do more damage? :-) Yes, my husband is working on forgiving me and we are in counceling together. I honestly don't know that I would do the same in his place, so I'm learning from him. I've always known he's a good man but I didn't know how good until I put him through this. If we make it out of this as a couple, it will absolutely be because of him. As to starting the affair, I'll be completely honest when I say I don't know if it would have started or not if he hadn't been so flattering. On the other hand, it's not like I held a gun to his head and forced myself on him. I admit I was bored and lonely in my marriage, and my narc definitely took advantage of that. I know for sure it would not have restarted after the birth of his son if he hadn't come back to me, telling me he missed me and all that other crap that I fell for. I have elaborate fantasies of revenge but in the end, there's nothing I could or would do to him that would ever hurt him because there are very few things he honestly cares about. He went crawling back to his wife as quick as he could but I really think he's more concerned about losing his control over her. It's so obvious to me now that he's very controling and she has adapted to it over the years they've been married. Like I said early, I feel sorry for her because as long as she's with him he's going to hurt her. I believe I was his first affair but I doubt I'm his last. Don't let the bastards get you down!
Dec 20 - 6PM
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

I read this earlier today,

I read this earlier today, and wanted to reply. First...you do have my sympathy. Yes, you and he ''shouldn't'' have had the affair, but you did...and I know how easy it is to believe someone's lies like this. Doesn't matter the lie, they become easy to believe. Second, I cringed when I read what he told you...''it's flattering that you are having a hard time with this.'' Ugh. It reminded me of my recent narc, who said things along the same lines. I will be praying for you. Your story might have a different backdrop, but the pain is very real, and relevant to what we are all feeling or have felt. We have all been duped by people we thought cared. Looking forward to learning from you, and offering any support where I can. *hugs*
Dec 20 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
Samantha
Samantha's picture

I appreciate your response

I think I'm through the worst of the pain. Whatever feelings I had left for the jerk disappeared when I heard what he was saying about me. Today has been hard because it feels like a tornado ripped through my life and I'm left to pick up the pieces but he gets to skip merrily away and have a perfect life. (Although Sherry told my husband she has access to all his phone, bank, email and social/professional networking sites.) I'm also working on forgiving myself, because if I learned one thing through this it's that I'm very good at beating myself up. :-) Thank you so much for responding to me. I've been "stalking" this site & board for about a month and finally decided to jump in and contribute. Thank you for making it a positive experience.
Dec 20 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sorry

Hello, I'm sorry you are here with us. As sorry as I feel for you, your Narcs wife has bigger problems with this jerk. No one is here to place blame, you, like the rest of us were victims, I am married as well, my husband never found out. Because of my mistake, I have realized what I have in a real man. All we can do is put this behind us, learn from this and love our husbands. I am still a bit in shock at how I was treated and devalued. Time has made it better. It's time for your healing to begin. Oxox Idealk9
Dec 20 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Samantha
Samantha's picture

Thank you

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am still beating myself up over this affair and have a hard time accepting emotions from people who are understanding (not necessarily accepting) of what I did. You are right - he is his wife's problem now. It's so obvious (now) that I was the perfect source of Narcissistic Supply. I adored him, protected him and stroked his ego. After the baby was born, I'm sure Sherry was busy taking care of their son and couldn't feed into his needs and that's when he came back to me. Thank you for taking the time to respond. It helped me very much.
Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I know how they operate. I

I know how they operate. I had no intentions of getting involved. They push and flatter. In the end we are the losers. Stay away from this jerk , work on you, and your marriage. If the marriage ends you need to be happy knowing you tried. No judgement here Idealk