Sad and Mad

Sam I am....

I am really pretty pissed up about having to change things in my life. I get the logical ideal behind it.... it's for ME. I get that. But, it doesn't make it any better.

And I'm pretty disgusted with my attitude because there are people here who gave up alot more. ALOT more. Seeing their kids, jobs they loved, etc. etc. I'm just looking at changing some of my recovery meetings and paying close
attention to some social things I do.

I really am stuck in alot of "it's not fair". I've already gotten the speech, several times, (God bless good friends).... I know life is not fair. But I seriously feel like he should have to have some sort of consequences for his actions/behavior.

And him being a Narc simply is not enough for me right now. Since he has no fuckin' clue or doesn't care, it's not a consequence in my book.

I'm just really struggling with that. And it makes me sad and then I get mad.

But the truth is, if the thought even STARTS that I think he MAY be someplace I have made plans to go to, I get physically ill. Almost instantaneously. So.... why would I purposely put myself in a position to be hurt. Why not just not go. Just for now. Until I get to that place, whereever it is, that I do not feel like that?

This weekend was rough.

round3