rootlesstree414's story

Was My Ex A Narcissist or Am I Losing My Mind?

It’s been nearly nearly a year since the first breakup with my ex and 4 months since the most recent in which I'm still very much struggling. I believe she is a narcissist. I’ve been doing tons of research on the subject. I was completely oblivious to this disorder until I stumbled upon on a blog. Truth is, I want to make sure I’m not dramatizing the situation. I truly do want to know if she was a narcissist so I can prepare myself for that conclusion and heal. While she did have SOME of the characteristics, she didn’t have all. She was not competitive and controlling like most narcissists. She didn’t strive to have great jobs or attain a lot, but she did pick partners that did. She was never overly confident about her looks, in fact it was quite opposite. She would say numerous times that everyone wanted her, however. She also said one time that all of her friends end up “wanting her.” I would also notice often that she wouldn’t remember important moments of our relationship, which I found odd.

She is very attractive and compelling, and truth be told she did have a lot of people constantly fawning over her. While she made it seem like she was annoyed by this, I knew she loved the attention. I found myself incredibly paranoid and was constantly reading through her phone in fear she was cheating. I felt crazy for that.

When we met it was a whirlwind romance. I actually knew of her through a mutual friend and hadn’t heard good things. She was known for cheating on her partners and not caring about the way she treated people. But when we met she was entirely different person than everyone made her out to be. She was sweet, romantic, and completely head over heels for me. She was in the process of a transition and was living at home, no car, no job. She completely admitted to having a ton of problems (which is not a Narcissist trait) but that she wanted to be better for me. She wanted to live together after only 2 months which I was hesitant about. I did it anyway because I had fallen in love with her very quickly and she really had nowhere else to go. The first couple of months were wonderful. We did everything together – she became close to my family, she was everything I wanted.

I don’t know how it happened but slowly I became very depressed. After jumping from a different job almost monthly, she took a job as a bartender and drank all of the time. I would catch her in lies, she would blame me for them. We would fight all of the time. She wouldn’t communicate. Everytime I told her I was upset about something she would tell me I’m being too sensitive and go to the bar instead. I caught her inappropriately texting other people numerous times which she hid from me. One minute she would say I was the love of her life, she would never love another after me, the next she would tell me everything she disliked about me. I constantly felt drained and used. I nearly completely financially supported her while she would waste away her money on clothes, alcohol, anything else. We had opposite schedules and she was never understanding that I had to get up early for work. She would complain that I was boring because I didn’t want to stay out late on the weeknights.

I lost my grandfather during our relationship and she partied while this happened.

Don’t get me wrong, there were beautiful times. She was very romantic, would leave me cute little notes, cards… constantly professing her love for me. She had a beautiful way with words and would say the sweetest things you could imagine. She proposed to me after only 4 months which I also felt hesitant about. She would constantly talk about our future and wedding but a part of me refused to discuss it. I think deep down I knew something wasn’t right.

After a year and a half we broke up. She said she didn’t think she could be with me anymore even though she still loved me because she couldn’t trust me. I tried to convince her to work through it – she was just done. I moved out of the place we shared together (which was actually originally mine) because I didn’t want to be reminded of the memories. She would contact me when she was lonely but not care about the pain I was experiencing. I found out very shortly after she was ALREADY in love with her boss, who had been in her life for nearly 7 months and who she spent a lot of time with. I never thought twice about that scenario, stupidly. She would have that person in the bed we shared together every night, with my picture hanging on the wall still. She had a relationship for nearly 6 months with them, constantly saying she was so in love.

I contacted her about 6 months after the fact, we had absolutely no contact because I had discovered she lied about many things which she denied over and over. In fact, I pretty much hated her. I heard around town she was spreading lies about me and confronted her. Somehow the conversation turned to her losing so much in her life, being miserable, and missing me.

I allowed her back into my life and she was very sweet for a short time. Apologized for the things she did (including finally admitting to the lies she denied). Showering me with love and telling me all of the things I wanted to hear. That she never loved this last person like she did me. She promised me numerous times they didn’t get together until after we broke up but confessed she cheated in the relationship as well. To this day, I don’t believe her. She realized she was wrong for the things she did, and I was an amazing person. She wanted to prove to me everyday just how much she loved me. She started planning living together right away which I completely shot down. Right as things were starting to become good again, she proceeded to tell me she didn’t want anything serious, doesn’t have the emotional capacity to commit to anyone and I was asking too much of her. She told me to move on. I called her every name in the book and said I never wanted anything to do with her, ever.

I found out less than a month later she was in a relationship with a new person. It’s only been 3 months since our final split and they are engaged and living together. She constantly brags about how amazing this person is and she's never known love like this.

I’m still very bitter about the situation. I’ve heard absolutely nothing from her although I do know she checks up on me over the internet. I do know that Narcissists always try to come back but that hasn’t been the case this time around. I’m very grateful for that and I already know I would be very hateful. Maybe this is why, she is aware of that too. Every ex has allowed her back into their life and I will probably be the only exception.

The idea of even dating someone else seems impossible. Apart of me feels like she never loved me, the other part is worried that this new girl is her actual soulmate. I was the crazy one, I was the reason she was so awful because there is something wrong with me. But then the rational side of my brain says she is a Narcissist and will never change, that she uses people and discards then when she’s done.