Right now at this moment in your recovery what is your reality?

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#1 Mar 12 - 9AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Right now at this moment in your recovery what is your reality?

For me, it is that he suffers from a personality disorder, that none of this was my fault, that he will not change, that he is the same person playing out the same script with someone else, and that doesn't hurt me...I feel okay with all of it.

I intellectually understand it and my heart and head is not as wounded...I can function, I am okay, I am somewhat centered...I am not at "peace" yet, but I am okay.

I've accepted what this illness is, and I have been able to emotionally detach to a certain extent and going back on my words, maybe not with love for him, but being open to trying to achieve a general sense of "love" in relation to where I fit within the universe.

I make it a practice everyday to find a quote that I feel will uplift me and I try to do something everyday just for me...

Mar 13 - 7PM
Steph
Steph's picture

If I were to answer that a

If I were to answer that a few months ago, I woulda said I AM SO OVER IT! lol Then I had a rough time with things, and I reached out to him. Broke no contact and we were back to talking again. So, I guess I wasn't as over it as I thought. Guess some part of me still thought he wasn't that bad, or maybe it was me, or maybe it wasn't me but maybe he had changed? ya. and maybe pigs really can fly and the moon is made of cheese. After a few months of contact, he started the same passive agressive, hot/cold, manipulative bull shit. And I was left again. I felt bad for awhile, then broke NC...AGAIN....to tell him off, big time. lol and now I'm here. And here isn't so bad:) I mean, I made some mistakes with breaking NC....but, I think this last one....NO....i KNOW this last one, is it for me. I bounced back from it after a few days. I just don't care anymore. Not like I used to anyway. I think I have finally grasped that he is who he is and no matter how hard I try or whatever, it will NEVER be any different. I cant say I am COMPLETELY over the whole thing but I do know this... I do not want my life to be any more focused on this asshole than it already has been. I am a caring and compassionate person and I want and deserve to be around people that share this quality. I should not ever have to defend myself to or chase after someone that constantly needs the concepts of respect, compassion and decency explained to them. Sorry. Long story short. Am I completely healed? No. But I have learned ALOT about myself and the fact that I made a mistake, quickly forgave myself, and have bounced back a great deal...tells me I have made significant progress with myself. And it can only get better from here:)....
Mar 13 - 8PM (Reply to #30)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Staying Strong...

That is excellent!...and I too had a 'hiccup' of sorts...not in terms of reconcilliation, but in a moment of "compassion" I was trying to help him see certain things...of course he was with my replacement so it wasn't about getting back together... But for a minute I thought we could be friends...I had a brain fart and slowly the ligh bulb went on and I realized...I had to have been crazy to even think that because they maniupulate... Then I thought...hey - this is a perfect triangulation situation... And on the one hand I think he might be able to get help...but on the other I think he really likes being who he is...it works for him? So, the compassion factory was abruptly shut down and the NC commenced and it didn't hurt and I identify with your expressing how yea, you backtracked a bit...but were able to bounce back and how yea, there is still residue but it's not incapacitating...
Mar 14 - 5PM (Reply to #31)
Steph
Steph's picture

Michelle115

"you backtracked a bit...but were able to bounce back and how yea, there is still residue but it's not incapacitating..." Exactly! Thanks for your reply:)
Mar 13 - 12PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

I'm OK for the most part. I

I'm OK for the most part. I think there were several moments of understanding where various pieces of the puzzle dropped into place, and now I have a pretty good idea of what he's done in the past, what he did to me, and what he'll do in the future. I can't quite get around his thinking. I think I understand it but it's just such an alien concept that it's strange to deal with. He always told me not to second guess him and I guess I've given up trying because it's so disordered inside his head. On the whole my life is back on track and things are largely OK. Unfortunately he still shows up occasionally (online so far, thankfully nothing more) and it reminds me of him, and makes me think of him, and then I think back to what I thought I had... As I've said elsewhere, it's just a faint echo of what it used to be, but I wish it would go away. I think it's a little harder for me than most. Being gay means only 10% of the population are going to be possible partners, and finding a gay guy with the kind of masculinity and physical presence I like is pretty difficult. It's more than a little ironic that when I did find a guy like that, he turned out to be broken. The antidote to all this is simple enough. I just remind myself of all the pain he's caused, and reminds myself that he's only going to use me in future if I let him. I also have to remind myself that life is not perfect and that fairytales are only stories.
Mar 13 - 8PM (Reply to #28)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Prettypeeved...

In time that echo will disappear...and as far as slim pickins I feel your pain...on this end it seems that all the good men are married or on your side I hope that my saying that isn't offensive I mean not to be but it is what I feel. The remainder are crazy from whatever side... What to do? I do however have to hold on in faith that there really is a shoe for every foot and I believe that with time as you heal you will find someone that is a right fit. Be patient with yourself, love yourself, recognize all your gifts and assets that make YOU special and unique. We all have special gifts and qualities that make us special... And during these times of intense emotional struggle...they do serve as catalysts for growth if we use the experience wisely. I am sending out vibes of hope, healing, growth, comfort and peace and that in time, you find the shoe for your foot. Warm hugs!
Mar 13 - 8AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Overall

I think we're all at a pretty good place under the circumstances... The shock of all of this when it first hits cannot be described as anything other than disabling. Sara, I note you're taking in everything you read and I also want to chime in and re-assure you that with time it will get better...we've all been way deep down in the rabbit hole... Stay close to the board, it is a lifesaver... AND continue to "get it out" The intention of this post wasn't necessarily to dole out "sage" advice, but to raise an awareness...or spark some contemplation on where we are and where we need to go... AND together, we will all get there... Hugs!
Mar 12 - 2PM
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

Through reading here &

Through reading here & visiting with my therapist,,, -he is most likely a BPD/NPD combo -he is currently in the hoovering stage -according to my therapist, she said that she doesn't see any major emotional connection to him. That was BIG. Once she said it I realized that what is left is really little. Somehow, he can still make me feel guilty for ending the marriage -- that's what I need to work on right now -- getting over the guilt, it's okay.
Mar 13 - 12PM (Reply to #25)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

I let the guilt torment me

I let the guilt torment me until I thought I would die from it. I read a book this weekend called Boundries..Where you end and I Begin by Anne Katherine. I saw the book a few months ago, but decided not to get it. My troubled heart led me back to it Friday. It by far helped me more than any book. I kept wondering why I could not keep myself validated when it came to him. The book help me explore where the whole guilt complex came from. Then it dawned on me that he knows my weakness(just guilt me and I crumble) and zoned in on it. That pissed me off to no end. He used my vunerability to control me. That's not love. I also read a post by someone about do they know what they are doing and she said absolutely, because he modified his behavior around other people. Mine did that and the book and her post totally gave me the strenght to say no more. I have learn my boundries are mine and if someone repeatedly abuses my boundries I can stop them. I count in this world too. I think my whole spill here is I found myself this weekend. Love and healing to all!
Mar 12 - 2PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

I am glad the whole traumatic

I am glad the whole traumatic experience is over and behind me. Its sad however that there are other victims he has that think they found their true love not knowing the man cant EVEN love let alone be true to anyone. Your right though Michelle like you said they will do the same song and dance and act for the next woman as they keep a live in tucked away with them. I feel as you do quite simply stated, I was the victim of a very disordered and disturbed person and it feels GREAT for the first time in months to finally really feel and believe it was NOTHING I did wrong. They acted like they were sooo in love with us in the beginning and we wondered what we did so wrong for them to turn on us, we did NOTHING because they NEVER were crazy in love with us from the beginning it was just an act, so MY reality is knowing this man from DAY ONE never cared about me, he never changed he just quit acting and showed his true sick self. He was always a ruthless sick SOB. I can tell you how much at peace I am with 2 months NC behind me, for awhile there it really bothered me with the thought I will never never see this man again, now Iam GLAD I will never have to look at him again in person, he is creepy and freaky and I really see him as a very mentally disturbed individual. To those that are still hurting very very deeply please try to see the disordered person you were with thru different eyes. What good is a man that seems to have everything you ever wanted if NONE of it is REAL? His wealth may be real, his good looks may stand out in a crowd but HE HIMSELF and whats inside, is NOT what you want they have NOTHING to offer you that will bring you a happy future, and with that I mean they have nothing to offer ANYBODY including their Girlfriends, wives, lovers, they HURT and betray everyone they are with. Would you really want to retire with someone who is not capable of loving another person? Just wants another body there so he is not alone? Someone that lives for SUPPLY? I mean WTF ladies, It sounds like economics, supply and demand - I dont want to be someones SICK SUPPLY I want to be the LOVE of my partners life, I want to be cherished, appreciated for all the good qualities I have. Devalue and Discard? What human being alive deserves to experience that? I wouldnt do that to my DOG. We are women of tremendous VALUE and WORTH and they want to DEVALUE US? On what grounds I might ask? Then they want to go further and discard us? Why.... because they have their sites on another victim so they put us on the shelf and think they can take us down to play with again when their new toy breaks? As a little girl I treated my toy dolls better than they treat people. Any days I have that are difficult are NOT because I want his abuse back in my life but because I suffered under the influence of this sick mans brainwashing. In REALITY I suffered for NOTHING, it was needless and senseless for me to suffer the trauma I did by this man but I DID suffer because he pulled me into his SICK TWISTED WORLD. Isnt it ironic not that I am out I am NOT suffering as I was? I have deep wounds to heal but he is no longer directly causing any further damage to me, I am healing what the sick person did to me and I feel at Peace FINALLY
Mar 13 - 8PM (Reply to #23)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Neverlookback

I share Sara's sentiments.
Mar 13 - 5AM (Reply to #20)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Neverlookback

After reading this I wanted to stand up and clap my hands and give you a standing ovation for this post! This post was awesome. I'm going to print this and put it in my purse to so I can go back to it in case of a Narc emergency! Thank you again for your wisdom! Sara
Mar 13 - 7AM (Reply to #21)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

oh bless your hearts

You too will find things that help you as you move on away from the illusion he had you under. Honestly when you stop and think of all the terms we use with this disorder: supply, addiction, illusion, projection, gas lighting, cog dis, victim, predator, ....... Doesnt that tell you something? I mean wasnt predator a movie about a big monster that ripped the spines from humans? Geez and to think we snuggled up to them in bed when they probably just feasted on another human the night before, ha ha ha I cant tell you how strong you will get after two months of NC, ya it was hard as hell and I STILL feel pretty broken inside from such betrayal but time will heal that. Supply indeed I got some supply for the sob, how about if I just give him an overdose of heroin how is that for his fricking suppy, let him choke on that. Would that be enough SUpply for the freak. Using people as human supply sources, REALLY? Like we are supplies from an ace hardware store or something, Guess that gives a whole different meaning when they leave the house and say, honey I will be right back i have to run and get some supplies, ha ha ha FRICKING FREAKS Its a mind set you have to see them as they really are, and its pretty damn sick.
Mar 13 - 8AM (Reply to #22)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Wow! You hit everything on

Wow! You hit everything on the head. I am too more at peace than I was 2 months ago, or a yr ago. I'll share this with you all...yesterday there was a psychics fair in town. I couldn't resist. I've been very intuitive all my life and when I was with the exN, I had many nightmares and dreams. I saw things, I knew things in my gut what was a lie or a dream. In the past I've dreamed of things that I found out to be true. I woke up one morning and thought, "exN is going to drive by my house around 6:45 PM today." At that time I went outside and there he was. Anyway, I roamed the building where these psychics were. I heard one woman tell her friend that this one lady nailed everything. BINGO! I sat down in front of her. she meditated, said a prayer to have my guardian angels come forward and give their messages. The first thing they said was that they wanted to congratulate me on all the work I've been doing on myself. If you all only knew how much work I've done in a yr. The list is long. She then tells me that I have much self doubt. Why? I explain that I was with a man that pretty much killed my soul. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply a few times and came back to say this: Everything this man did was a projection of himself onto you. He has sociopath tendencies. You did nothing wrong in the relatiionship. He has mirrors surrounding him and so close, he can't see reality. He cannot see the damage he has done to others. He does not have the capacity. He cannot connect to another person, shoot, he can't connect to himself. He lives for the admiration of other women. He likes to keep doors open (and he has several ex's he does this with. I never approved) and he likes to make sure they are still his in a way. He'll go back every so often to make sure. Is this sounding like a narc or someone that is a true sociopath? I then asked if his new wife will be treated the same way. "she is going to be treated worse. He's upped the ante. she is lying to herself and in total denial. she wont listen to herself. she needs a man to feel safe and secure. any man. He can manipulate her and that he could not do with you. be proud that you saw him for what he truly is and strong enough to not be manipulated. you have ethics, he does not. his character is not strong at all." I chuckled when she said this. what about her little girls I asked. "they will be damaged by this man but it will make them better women and wives. they will learn that gut intuition from this man. you may want to protect them but they have to go through this. their mother will not see this until it is too late. this marriage is going to last a few yrs only because she is lying to herself and she is not stable." She kept reassuring me that he is not capable of love, and lives in his own bubble and does not care or aware of the damage he does to people. He does not think of his consequences. Now...I only gave this woman small amount of information and she talked non stop for over 30 min about my exN. The good news she said was even though I feel it was a mistake, it was to prepare me for my husband. I am going to truly appreciate my husband, who I am to meet at the end of the yr. He's a geek of some sort and I wont be initially attracted to him but, I will see his giving heart and he commits to me and my son. He treats me with love and respect. I have a vision board with this information on it too to help speed things up. I have healing to do still but, I am on a better path. I will be rewarded for the love I was able to give to the exN. She said she feels sorry for him. To not be able to connect with someone and feel that love. He lives for the feeling of the relationship and what it gives him. when the wife starts questioning or expecting more from him, he will move on to the next. that is what he did with me. I guess his definition of "it should be easy, not work" is that the woman is not to question or expect anything from him. She also said that he will realize things when he is in his 50's, 10 yrs away, he will loose his looks and not be able to charm the way he does now and will be alone. Women will see through his manipulation. That is why he married someone 14 yrs younger than he and I. Easier to manipulate. That put a smile on my face...Karma, I love you! So, things are not going to happen in my timeline but, he will be dealing with how he treats people. And so will his wife. I know how she treated her daughters father. She isn't an angel. I was also told that she is going to get nasty when my exN doesnt reply later on. Also, she saw him trying the door back to me a couple of times. When he starts sensing she is onto him, he'll see where I am in life. Door is closed buddy! We will see how things unfold in the coming yrs I guess. The reading yesterday gave me confirmation and hope.
Mar 13 - 5AM (Reply to #19)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Perfectly said neverlookback

Perfectly said neverlookback

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Mar 12 - 1PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Acceptance

Yes, basically the "Step One" of admitting powerlessness. Or maybe I've come to what is called "acceptance" (as Kubler-Ross described in the stages of grieving-beginning with denial&anger) It's accepting that the ex-Psych professor is mentally at the same age as my baby nephew, that there's NOTHING I can do to change that. I don't hate my nephew for being immature, so I can't hate the ex-P for his immaturity (doesn't let him off the hook, but at the same time hating someone takes waay too much energy) I once told the ex-P "I might not be able to change the world, but I can change MYSELF." I can take my own advice ;)
Mar 12 - 10AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

For me i am in exceptance

For me i am in exceptance that he is sick and it has nothing to do with me , i believe i have been through the stages of grief and i am at the tail end of it . I am really working on why i was a victum for the narc and that is sometimes painful but i am careful to be gentle with my self , i have noticed i have a very negative self diologe which was brought on by a emotionaly unavalable father .The thing is my dad is very loving to me as he has got older so its difficult to be angry at him but when i was child he wasnt there even when he was there , my dad has in the last few years has taken anti depressents and he is a changed man . I guess the damage was done when i was a child though and that is what i am dealing with . I view the narc as a retard now ,a very sad messed up retard . xx
Mar 12 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
Steph
Steph's picture

lol!

"I view the narc as a retard now ,a very sad messed up retard " Oh my this made me laugh!!
Mar 12 - 10AM
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

giving up on the jigsaw

My reality is that I have at last stopped trying to make sense of it all. I spent many months struggling to connect his wonderful words with his terrible actions. I've had to accept I just can't piece the two together... Letting go of his words (and his gifts) has been heart-breaking but I am getting there. Today, I made a list of all the things I don't miss about being with him. I made it to 20!
Mar 12 - 10AM
JRB123
JRB123's picture

I can see the truth about him

I can see him for what he is and that's not a very nice person. I am annoyed with myself for being sucked in and conned. I still think about him alot but I have moved on with my life too. I have some issues towards men now and generally don't like them very much at all so am either avoiding them or looking at them with disdain. I feel abit more of a closed person now and not as open and as friendly as I was. I am much more guarded which is probably a good thing. I live in a small town where I do see him at least once a week and right now I really want to move countries! I have been NC for 6 months. He has hoovered a little bit, like parking outside my house, moving in to my line of vision when we are in the playground waiting for our kids and liking something I wrote on FB or joining in a conversation. I have not responded to any of this at all and have unfriended him on FB. I am gradually feeling more like my old self and feel greatful for the postive good things in my life. I know now what really matters in my life. I am also just starting to seek some counselling as the only person who knows about this is one good friend (and people on this board!) - I feel I need to talk about it to try and make sense of what happened. You are all amazing ladies and so glad we can help each other. This board has been a life saver. Thanks
Mar 12 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

My Reality

My Reality is I feel in love with a disturbed man. He is a fake, Emotional Vampire! I cant change his personality, I can change me, I do things I like,take each day as it comes and pray for my Narcs soul. I will never allow anyone to abuse me. Idealk
Mar 12 - 9AM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

My Reality

My reality is I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I'm a walking, talking mess. I do amazing and accept that he is sick and it's not me. I do NC and it makes me feel powerful and in control. I break NC and I feel like an idiot. I hurt so bad at times that is consumes my whole life. My reality at this moment is I need therapy and I can't ride this roller coaster anymore. Also, that the pain I'm still feeling is mostly brought on by ME and the decisions that I make. Narc's suck.
Mar 12 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Sara smile

When you first break up with the narc you have described very well what it is like .. simply put "a mess" , such pain that you didnt even think there was pain this bad you could feel . Can i say that now is no time to be blaming youre self and looking inward on how you may have caused this , you fell in love with a man who lied to you on every level , at the moment you must see you have been a victum of deception . Its only when you have read up on narcs and all they do to suck you in over and over again untill you get maybe even 5 or 6 months down the line are you in any position to look to youreself for why this may have happened to you and there are definate stages of grief to be worked on before this . Now is the time to wrap youre self in a blanket , slow the pace right down and do just what you want to do when you want to do it with no pressure . When i was where you are was last summer early summer and this was my routine for about a month , i would drag myself out of bed and change into my swimming costume under my clothes as i couldnt face the changing rooms at the gym , i would drive 5 min up the road which is about as much driving as i could do , i would sit on a sunbed round the pool for about 2 hours as that was the only thing i could do to stop the racing thoughs , i would sit there and cry most mornings under my sunglasses , i would come home and write on the board and about 2 oclock i would go to work , i work with children thank god as if i had to go to an office or be with adults that just wouldnt have happened . I finished work and went to the shops (i love evening shopping ) i would come home pour a glass of wine and read the board again .. So you see i surrendered to me , i did what i had to do to get through it and that is where you head should me right now , hour by hour , day by day . ..Sara Smile ... i am living proof that you recover from this , i have been just where you are , we all have . Take faith that theses days WILL pass . I remember an old timer on the board when i first came here saying to me "Scoop one day you will be telling new member what i am telling you that it dose get better " and here i am telling you that it dose get better and i promise that you will be telling new members the same in a few months .. big hugs to you xx
Mar 12 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Scoop

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I know deep down in my brain that things will get better but sometimes it just seems like it's never gonna pass. I blame myself only because I keep sabotaging myself! I know better and I do the dumbest things. When I learn NC and stick with NC my life will be peaceful! I wish my Narc would move to China!!!! I know one day I'll be better. This too shall pass......I just wish it would pass faster!
Mar 12 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Sara smile

You feel like you are to blame because the narc has told you that , Of corse it was youre fault in his eyes , he is god right ? ... i dont think so ..They use all sorts of mind controle on you .. look up projection , gaslighing , NLP , trauma bonding and stockholm syndrome . Read all you can . The narc can not look inwards its impossible for them , they project blame ... even in the middle of the night when most would face their demons , they sleep well . xx
Mar 12 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Scoop

God! Yes, in his own fairy tale world he is God and perfect! I've read up on most of that but I don't really understand gaslighting. I need to read more on that one.
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sara Smile

Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are doing great! This is what they do, It just takes time. Get into therapy ASAP!!! And Buy a plane ticket!! come to Chicago instead. Got out of Dodge Idealk
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Idealk

I'm really not. I've been totally self destructive this week! I've been like a junkie doing anything and everything I could for a "hit" and totally out of control! My appointment with my therapist is Tuesday! Thank you Jesus!! I would give anything to hop a plane and come to Chicago! If I could afford it and if I could take off work I'd drive to the nearest airport and leave this place today!!! I've got myself back under control from last week but I'm back at step one AGAIN!
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sara Smile

Oh boy!! What did you do??
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Idealk

I'll post it in a little bit. Insanity! Over the deep end insanity! I'm OK now and back in the world of sane people looking forward to seeing a therapist! I did NOT meet him. At least I had that much self respect and sense about me!
Mar 12 - 9AM
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

For Now

Right now my reality is that im still in this verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I do feel that I have made some strides the past few months, in coming to realize that this is a very unhealthly relationship for anyone to be in. Just admitting it to myself, and others here is a huge step for me. Its a learning process, one with alot of emotional ups and downs. I feel very wounded at the moment, but for a few short hours today.....im doing my best to put a happy spin on things only for the fact that my stepdaughter is here for several hours for a visit, and I dont want her to have to listen to all the crap...so right now I can sit here in same room with him and her and pretend things are ok....isnt her fault her dad is a complete and utter asshole. Once she leaves ill go back to the spare bedroom where I have stayed the last 2 days, as the saying goes, out of sight out of mind.