I am the mother of the most amazing, adorable 2 year old baby girl who was rejected emotionally by her N father. I got the best and only good part of him.
He has not been much of a father to her in 2 years though he fought furiously for joint legal custody (the right to make decisions with me and holidays) in court draining me of every ounce of energy and huge amounts of financial resources. He believed even though he hadn't done much for her in any way including not paying child support for several months at the beginning that he had a "god given" right to make decisions for his daughter.
Honestly, I believe the court fight was a show for his N mother. She forced him to assert paternity and insist that he it was his right to be treated as "equal parent." This was despite the fact that he moved 500 miles away just after she was born and spent very little time with her. He left me completely on my own to raise her and offered no help or support and neither did his mother who lives 20 minutes from me. When he did show up he was an energy vampire -- he was either sad, angry or depressed and somehow thought I could fix him if I "only did this or did that." I never bought it and it made him so much more angry. Because I could not be controlled or manipulated he projected onto me that I was "controlling, abusive and manipulated."
In my entire 40 years there were never words used to describe me -- for the longest time this stuff didn't penetrate me, but now, I must admit, my own sense of self is shattered. It is so hard that someone I could've loved so much and be so intimate could do or say such things and every once in a while I wonder for a moment if he is right, but when I think about the stuff he says -- it doesn't feel right and I do think I am pretty self aware.
His N mother thinks he is an amazing father though he spends no time with our daughter and even when he does he ignores her or drags her around to do things he wants to do that are not age appropriate at all. Additionally, both he and his mother have found a way to blame me for the fact that my daughter has not spent much time with him AND plan to share stories and emails with her when she is older so that she will "know the real story" and "turn against me for pushing them all away."
The court show was also for his other 13-year old daughter who couldnâ€™t bare the thought that he didnâ€™t love my daugher or wouldnâ€™t fight for her. The 13-year old daughter is the object of all his affection and truthfully, though the relationship looks healthy to an outsider â€” to astute minded insider â€” the relationship lacks healthy boundaries and feels like they are husband and wife rather than father and daughter. It feels as though he is constantly courting his own daughter and does anything to manage his image to ensure she will love him. He is very controlling and manipulative with her yet she doesn't see it because of her age. She has become his partner, his confidant and he brings her as his companion to events and parties and things. He doesnâ€™t help her foster friendships with other kids or let her bring friends around, but rather he brings his daughter around to show her off to his adult world and his friends. It is odd.
Moreover she is 13 and has a developed woman's body and he still sleeps in the same bed with her when she comes to visit. It is creepy and it freaks me out that this is "the ghost of christmas future for my daughter."
He is setting her up to become an N herself. She can do no wrong, there are no boundaries, her self esteem is deeply suffering, he doesn't connect emotionally with her -- you look in her eyes and as the years go by you feel her pain and see it -- the bright eyed young child I met is turning into a very sad teen and there is nothing I can do to help her since he completely eroded our relationship and told her lie after lie about me. She and I were super close -- we loved each other. He used my natural love for her to manipulate me to do things I did not want to do -- it was always to protect her. Unfortunately, I had to pull away from that situation and I hated it, but it was the only way my own daughter and I could've survived.
I was dating my daughterâ€™s father for 9 months and left him 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant â€“ we werenâ€™t even living together. Things were bad at that time â€” there was a so much gas lighting â€“ I thought I was losing my mind. He would try to convince me it was daytime when it was dark outside. I never in my life had my mind so mentally twisted. Nothing was logical and he was so smart that it really did make me question myself.
Anyway, just before I found out I was pregnant I discovered he has been cheating on me for the entire 9 months we were together. I left him for good and then I found out I was pregnant. After he found out I was pregnant he wanted to work it out â€” he saw my pregnancy as a "hook" to get his other daughter to come live with him (she lived in Quebec and at the time we both lived in Boston) â€” she liked me a lot and she desperately wanted a sibling â€“ she really wanted a whole family. He actually used those words (Iâ€™ve got 2 hooks to get her here) and it freaked me out â€” total red flag to me and never forgotten because it was such an odd thing to say.
During the pregnancy he did so much to try to control me. His mother was hideous and cruel. When I spoke with her when I was pregnant and told her he has been cheating -- she justified his cheating and told me I was just not meeting his needs and it was typical for a guy in mid-life to need to feel a certain way.
I wanted to leave the relationship while I was pregnant and he told me if I didnâ€™t work it out with him that he would destroy me â€” he said that he would not let the world think it was him and he would not be at fault for it falling apart â€” he said everyone would see me as crazy by the end. He also told me it would be be the ugliest legal battle and that he would not make it easy for me in one way. At that time, I was so grounded and down to earth â€” I was not anxious or easily irritated (now things are a lot different). Statements like that freaked me out â€“ they made no sense. He was verbally cruel, treated me terribly, and made everything about how I catered to him. By 7 months pregnant I left him -- the rest of the story is really ugly â€” it is filled with lies, mind-games, destruction, smear campaigns, attempts to alienate me from all of my own support system, blaming and projection.
His other daughter who loved me so much and who I loved with all my heart hates me and thinks I am mentally ill and psychotic. I was cut off from her and told I could not communicate with her any more. Her mother told me he pumped her daily with stories of hate every single time they talked. Whatâ€™s really odd is when they are with my daughter â€” it as if they are the mother and father rather than the sister and father â€” the boundaries are so warped. His other daughterâ€™s mother and I were friends at one time and supported each other, but he made it so she wonâ€™t communicate with me â€” he filled her head with stories that are incomprehensible (there was a little bit a truth about 2% and the rest of what he told her was filled with lies and twists) and she bought them â€” plus she was told by both Steve and the other daughter if she talked to me that she would not be being loyal to them.
I has been fighting for the emotional development of his other daughter for a few years and by the end I fought for her vigorously â€” I saw he was making her a child soldier, a partner, and adult, a mate, a companion and there were no boundaries in that relationship - this poor child was being filled with hate and being taught that it was okay to lash out and treat others poorly if she was angry. There is such an unhealthy indescribable fusion.
On the opposite side â€” as much as he loves the other daughter he hates my daughter, but says her loves her. He tells me that she is the worst thing that ever happened to him and still blames me for not letting him walk away because I told his ex-wife I was pregnant first not giving him an escape hatch. He always tells me that was the most manipulative controlling thing to do â€” for me it was just I was scared and she knew him better than anyone and I just wanted to talk to someone.
The relationship with my daughter is all about image and how his other daughter perceives him. He does nothing loving nor kind to her or for her. He will go weeks and weeks without calling her and claiming it is because I am so evil and abusive that he cannot call. He misses visits and only shows up when it effects time with the other daughter. When he and the other daughter are together with my child --- they cut me off from her completely â€” they block calls, refuse to let her call me until they are ready, they insult me in front of her and refuse to read my night time letters to her. My daughter comes back from these visits distraught and demonstrates all forms of age appropriate anxiety (not sleeping, not letting me leave her sight, not concentrating of focusing, not listening and some mishavior). Each time she comes back it is worse.
The court system is awful. He presents so well â€” he is a Dr. and Ob/Gyn to boot â€” funny, because my Ob during my pregnancy said there are 2 types of Obs, those that love women and those that need to see them weak and need to be in control of them â€” obviously the narcissism fits that. He has done terrible things during the visits to me and uses her as a weapon. I am documenting it all. I just donâ€™t have the stomach or the finances to go back to court. He will shred me to pieces again and it will get really bad. I donâ€™t think he is a good influence on her and I donâ€™t know what to do. He will continue to reject her I believe until she, if she does, demonstrates something that enhances his ego. I am glad she isnâ€™t the favored Daddyâ€™s girl because that seems so much more sad for a child and I do see what his happening to the other daughter, but the rejection will hurt my child in the end.
I am dating a wonderful wonderful man. We are happy and laugh â€“ he has 2 children just a little older. Our environment is really really a happy one. I wonder every day how can I protect her and myself â€” we have a long road ahead. I know that his toxicity will effect her more and more as she gets older, but what can I do â€” is it worth going to court â€” will anything really come from it based on your experience. My guess is my daughter will intuit it all, but that also makes it complex.
I try to stay strong and positive -- but this whole thing drains me so much -- I used to be so happy -- I see glimpses of myself again but then I get sucked back in by emails and phone calls calling me abusive, controlling, psychotic and so on ... having my character attacked and assassinated has been so hard for me.
I think what makes this story really hard is there is an N father and a budding N half-sister and I have been discarded and my daughter is only valuable because she makes the teen daughter happy, but other than that she has no value to him â€” he has made it so everyone in his world supports his rejection of her because I am so terrible. The older sister only has value for my daughter if she doesnâ€™t interfere with her personal time with her Dad. There is a lot of jealousy â€” it is subtle and I am the only one who sees it because they really do think she is perfect and amazing and is such a great big sister. It has been quoted that she is such a great big sister it almost feels like she is a little mother to her. I do know that is part of the dysfunction itself.
Iâ€™ve written so much and yet there is so much missing. I am putting all the pieces together and really trying to do my healing while figuring out how to save and protect my child â€” she is so beautiful and innocent and doesnâ€™t deserve this. This unfortunately is a part of her fate, but if I can do anything to make it dull and have lesser impact