Remember the married guy? sigh...

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 26 - 11PM

Deidre40

Remember the married guy? sigh...

I have worked hard at healing...I really have. And here I sit, having ''attracted'' perhaps another narc into my life? This guy is married. He goes to my gym. Remember I told you guys about him? I didn't know he was married at first...told me after we started having 'dialogue.' Well, the instant messages stopped...I told you all I told him we couldn't continue this. We all celebrated here. lol

Well...fast forward to a few days ago, and he sent me an email. He said...I promise, we can just be friends. I am sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I didn't reply right away. Then, I did. Idle chit chat. Then? I told him about a guy I'm interested in. THIS GUY GOT ANGRY...I couldn't believe it. He said...why do you trust this guy, and not me?

I sent him an email...saying...you have a wife. Your wife would not be happy knowing all of our exchanges, believe me. I wrote a brief email...but made my point.

He apologized tonight. Said...'I will try harder. Don't shut me out of your life.''

You guys...I have not lured this man on. Once I knew he was married (OH...AND GET THIS...HIS WIFE IS PREGNANT!!!! Good grief) I backed off. You all know I told him we couldn't talk. Then time passed...and now this?

He acted jealous over me being interested in another man. DUDE...YOU ARE MARRIED!!!!

I didn't reply tonite. I'm just sharing. I know to not reply. I'm not sure what I'm asking for...but just wanted your take maybe on this whole thing? Is this narcissistic behavior? I have dealt with three different narcs in my life. The last one was psychopathic. I am not sure what this man is, but there's something not right here. Am I right?

And here I sit...crying tonite over this. Feeling like I DID SOMETHING WRONG. :=(

Thx for listening.

#2 Sep 29 - 6AM

TNR1

Deidre...even if he isn't

Deidre...even if he isn't certified NPD...he's still married and trying to cheat. Friends...right. A friend would not have that reaction when you tell him you are interested in someone else. I am terribly sorry that you even had this encounter but it shows just how much progress you have made that you were able to spot this early on and disengage. Anything he tries is simply him trying to lure you back. You owe him nothing. I would simply delete, delete, delete. Oh..and feeling like you did something wrong...that is definately a Narc tactic...wash that right off of you and put it squarely where it belongs...back on him.

#3 Sep 28 - 4PM

uk lady

Deidre - what I don't understand

And I haven't read all your previous postings. How come this guy got your mobile phone number and email addy? From your post it all seems to have developed really quickly. Correct if I am wrong but shouldn't you be protecting your privacy a little bit more until you know more about him? Having been in a relationship with a P/N I would want far more evidence before I give anybody, anything outside of my name. Dee x

#4 Sep 27 - 11AM

Deidre40

and to everyone, please know

and to everyone, please know i'm not worried over this. i have nothing invested in this guy, like layla says. i just wanted to share with you all an 'update,' as i marvel that narcs some in all forms. he could very well be a decent human being, but actions speak louder than words. and if you are married, expecting your 3rd kid? you shouldn't be jealous of some chick you barely know. when things don't add up, there's a reason. i don't understand what he wanted with me. he kept and keeps saying all he wanted was to be friends. lol

#5 Sep 27 - 10AM

Layla

Crying?

Be happy you aren't married to him! Let me tell you, as a married woman, it really sucks to find out YOUR OWN HUSBAND is chit chatting on the internet with other women. Move on, don't give this guy any more forethought, seriously...........you have NOTHING invested in this guy whatsoever...........you don't even have to remind him he has a wife, he already knows....and he doesn't care......he only cares about HIMSELF.

#6 Sep 27 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

Deidre40

hey layla...yes, i agree. i

hey layla...yes, i agree. i think the internet has made all of this so very easy. cyber affairs are more of a reality day by day. without having to leave one's home...you can tell your partner that you're working online...paying bills...whatever...and meanwhile, you're chatting with whom ever. I honestly was surprised when he finally mentioned he was married. He doesn't act it. I found out he and his wife are expecting their third kid, through someone at the gym. I overheard people talking, and then I put it all together, they were talking about him! I was like...this guy's wife is pregnant???

#7 Sep 27 - 10AM

Deidre40

oh one more question...i

oh one more question...i looked back at today's email, and he ends it with 'i will remain your friend.' what does this even mean? are they the master of head games or what

#8 Sep 27 - 9AM

Deidre40

When I have more time to

When I have more time to reply, I will. I’ve read through, and thanks so much for your thoughts and advice. Yea, it’s like me to take the blame for others behaviors. A paradigm I learned as a kid, and I’m progressing on it, though. Since my last relationship with a narc, I have made some good strides. At least I didn’t start up with this married guy, for starters. What is somewhat chilling to me, about his behavior, is he seems on the onset, like a very charming nice guy. We know the drill. But, moreover than that, is how he has been in email. Cold. Angry tone. Then, apologetic. NOT ONCE did he address what I said about him being married. How his wife would’t like to see these exchanges, etc. NOT ONCE DID HE ADDRESS IT! To me, that speaks a lot. I got an email this morning that he hopes I slept well, and he hopes we can move forward. Again, what’s chilling is how flat his tone is…how different he is in front of others, say at the gym. How fun one minute he can seem, and the next…chilly, and distant. Did I tell you guys he’s a christian preacher? Haha I know, this story gets better by the minute. I don’t judge. I even told him that. But, I told him, I can no longer have dialogue that is inappropriate with a married man. He never ever addressed it. He only addressed that he was ‘hurt,’ and that he doesn’t understand why I don’t trust him. That last sentence makes no sense. Trust him with what? My life? Lol I won’t be replying. I don’t see him all that often at the gym anymore, which is why he probably decided to reach out through email. Oh, and he’s mad that I won’t share with him my last name. He said ‘’Dee, I don’t get why you don’t trust me.’’ Why, dude, do you need to know my last name??? It’s just strange. :=( And while I don’t consider what we were doing as ‘cheating’ on his wife, I appreciate the sentiments here about that. I do feel sorry for his wife, and I get the sense, that this isn’t the first time he’s done this. He also is new to fitness, like he was heavy for a time, he said. And I have seen an interesting phenomenon with this, with men mainly. They’ve been heavy. Wife is heavy. Husband starts working out…then, he says…’hey, I’m suddenly attractive to women.’ I have seen it so much lately, and it’s sad. As if their wives are cars, and their due for a trade in. :=( Ugh. The more I present to you all, the more I realize he’s a narcissist. Just more covert.

#9 Sep 27 - 6AM

Hunter

1 out of every 25 people

1 out of every 25 people have NPD! They are everywhere. Just don't engage any longer ! If you continue with dialogue you could get sucked into a trap! Hunter

#10 Sep 27 - 3AM

freaked

I is shaking my head in

I is shaking my head in shocked disbelief ( wrong grammar just for emphasis!) ..oF COURSE, you must never never never again reply to the jerk.. whoa..just look at what he doing..ewww.. Glad you are on this site..and noted the RF. these narcs are psychopaths.

#11 Sep 27 - 3AM

Kitty02 (not verified)

Don't be sad hun(hug)I know

Don't be sad hun(hug)I know this is easier said then done it can be soul destroying especially when you are trying to heal and move on from Narcworld. But any sort of contact gives the green light to these attention seeking morons. You know not to reply to anything he sends you again, protect yourself with NC...not even a smoke signal...lol. He is just trying to bullying you to get his own way. Been going through this a lot myself lately. Had a couple of attached men trying their luck. I was just polite to the point but not engaging. It is wonderful to have the new freedom of healing but the knowledge has opened my eyes to a lot of things and left me very disappointed with certain people in my life. I often wonder if I'll ever meet anyone worth a relationship again lol I think most of us, well I know I have, get the married/attached 'I want my cake and eat it too' blokes chancing their arm from time to time. You haven't done anything wrong, you can't take these PD's actions personally if it wasn't you it would be someone else... just see it for what it is a narc opportunist chancing his arm.

#12 Sep 26 - 11PM

WakingUP (not verified)

You did nothing wrong!

Run Run Run away from this guy - really! I know there were ALL those red flags from before, and now, he's acting all jealous and he's married and his wife is PREGNANT???? Read the above out loud. You KNOW that he's way out of line. The way I see it, is that he's been and still is trying to "love bomb" you - get your oxytocin ramped up so he can reel you in. Also known as coming on too strong too fast... And he's also starting to manipulate you. Why do you feel like YOU'RE the one who's done something wrong when he's got a whole checklist of douche-bag behavior as long as my arm???? He knows that you're a kind empathic person... the whole "don't cut me out of your life" crap, and we can just be "friends" plays directly on your desire and need to be nice. And he's using it AGAINST YOU! He's not worth the salt in your tears.

#13 Sep 27 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

Susan32

He's not worth the salt in your tears...

So RUB IT IN HIS WOUNDS! Honestly, if the ex-Psych prof had hoovered me while his girlfriend was expectant with twins, I would've been downright MERCILESS. He would've known what it feels like as a Siamese fighting fish... when it's paired with another one, and has just known it's lunch. Or feel like a cow at the end of the long cattle drive... I would've probably given intentional narcissistic injuries by the truckload, and I would NOT feel like I had done ANYTHING wrong. It would be "so, you're trying to cheat on your expectant wife, so I will teach you an unforgettable lesson. It might hurt." Remember-TRUTH HURTS. LIES KILL. So be ready to dish out the hurt!

#14 Sep 26 - 11PM

Susan32

What an idiot!

It's bad enough his cheating on his wife... but when she's PREGNANT... that's low. What a coward. It strikes me as psychopathic that he'd be so cold to his wife, when she needs him THE MOST. He must be taught a lesson. I would have toyed with his emotions, told him how much I loved him, get him pumped up for sex... then dump him without an explanation, and pull the vanishing act. I would've dangled sex like candy, put him on a temporary pedestal, just so he could come crashing down off it. I would've given him one humiliating, unforgettable narcissistic injury... and probably paid for it with a bogus hotel room. Pay for the place, have the candles ready, the champagne (but actually have it be non-alcoholic), the massage oils... and be the EPIC NO SHOW. I would've played him like a cat with a mouse. I wouldn't have cared about his feelings AT ALL. And if he hurt, EVEN BETTER.

#15 Sep 27 - 1AM (Reply to #2)

lillymarch

Just to give insight on the pregnant wife being cheated on...

That was me!! And it's the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I've been cheated on not pregnant and it's a whole different ball game. (Wow, can't believe I said that. That statement is insight into how screwed up I am.) Cheating is cheating, but during pregnancy is a most vulnerable time. Your fat. Your uncomfortable. You need sincere and true love and support. It's a time where you give up your body and all that it means to you for this child. My exNh found a single, childless, beauty to display on his arm while I had four children and was pregnant with a 5th. WTF?! Men who do this are completely CRAZY. Do I blame you? NO! But I tell you. This OW of my exNh is hurting still. He played her for about a year. Then dumped her about 6 months after I kicked him out. Now almost 10 months later he starts visiting her at her place of business. She is older than I am about 8 years. She can never have children. She was desperate for a man. She is pretty but I know she had dreams of having children and a family. He fed her so many lies. I've hoped and prayed that he find someone to be with so that he leaves me and the children alone but I feel for her. Her anger and hatred of me really showed me how much lying he's capable of. Run. Run. Run. And as your running, look back and tell him he's a discusting creep! And that you will be praying for his poor wife and child. It is not your fault. And Susan!! I LOVE your idea! Pump him up and then break him down. It would be a taste of his own medicine. But knowing them, a Narc just wouldn't believe it. They are too amazing to get dumped.

#16 Sep 27 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

Susan32

"The worst nine months of my life"

Ns/Ps don't face pregnancy the way NORMAL men do. That quote above is from Leo Tolstoy's diary, when his wife Sofia was pregnant with their first child. He'd be incredibly cruel to her when she was pregnant- either verbally abusive towards her or just avoiding her. As Sofia notes in her diary, the test of whether a man REALLY loves a woman is when she's expectant. In Tolstoy's story "The Death of Ivan Ilyich",the main character demeans his wife when she's pregnant with their first child-and it's hinted that he cheats on her with other women, because he can't stand his wife's "bad breath and sensuality." "A Narc just wouldn't believe it. They are too amazing to get dumped"-Having humiliated a few Narcs (and the ex-Psych prof in some remarkable ways-the senior skit had him running out like a coward when it MOCKED HIM), yes, humiliation registers with them. It's one of those few feelings they share with NORMAL people. It's something they try to avoid;they don't know how to face it. Humor is one of the best weapons to use against a Narc. In "War and Peace",the ex-Psych prof's favorite novel, Prince Andrei's infant son is seriously ill, but Andrei is more worked up that the diplomat Bilibin is "always mocking (me)." His son is possibly dying... but Andrei's a Narc, and he's paranoid that a diplomat is ridiculing him. Yes, it's possible to build up and break down a Narc. I would've done it with a smile on my face. When I realized I was the ex-P's OW (his serious girlfriend had been in LA), I was purposefully cruel towards him. My unintentional narcissistic injuries ended up being as calculated as math equations. I got into my mind to drive him out of his (with the help of a Triple A road guide) It was enough that he had hurt ME. But the fact that he expected me to be his emotional "woman on the side" (our relationship wasn't sexual/romantic) had me livid. Yes, I was vindictive and because of how he treated his girlfriend, I thought God had me put me in the place to punish him. Ns/Ps know we'll get angry when they hurt US. They like seeing us get angry. But when we get angry on how they treat SOMEONE ELSE... no eyes have seen nor ears have heard what's in store for them.

#17 Sep 27 - 4AM (Reply to #3)

cecelia

Speakin of Dumped...

just thought I'd chime in here... The N who was in my life the last part of the b.s.unraveled and he had already paid for my plane ticket to go stay with his parents and family. I didn't get on the plane. It was amazing, powerful yet curious. I had the final "ha" and no show-but really that didn't make it final. I waited for the phone call maybe, the begging. Only his NS told me the vague details of how he was channeling all his energy into her-blah. She was buying it... One thing I found interesting is that she said she had no brothers. I grew up with mulitples bros & they really schooled me on what was up. I wonder if that makes a difference? Thoughts? Basically the best part about the no show is: no care. Thats God, grace, time & you wonderful ones entered into the chapter! All the Very Best, Abrazos! :) p.s. I am so sorry for the cheating these pieces of work do and the damage afterward, I'll never be able to minimize the hurts each one of you shares. Paybacks a mother...they'll get theirs.

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