Relying on Someone Beyond Your Trust Level Hooks You Emotionally

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#1 Jul 16 - 9AM
SoaperGirl
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Relying on Someone Beyond Your Trust Level Hooks You Emotionally

A while back I spent 25 cents for one of the best books I could have hoped to find. How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp> It explains so much how the Narc was able to ensnare me into his Lair.v I'm still reading the book (I think it is going to be oen of the I'll end up reading cover to cover.

Chapter Two covers the RAM plan of the author of developing and analyzing how to following your heart without losing your mind...developing healthy relationships and why we don't. BTW, after reading this so far, you could just as easily replace "jerk" with "Narcissist" because it fits equally as well.

I feel like I just saved myself a ton of money in therapy, for now I know what made me so vulnerable to the Narc. Dr. Van Epp indicates that Relying on someone beyond your trust level hooks you into emotionally dangerous relationships.

After a Whirlwind courtship Luanda committed to Anthony. Anthony flew in ranges and was always threatening to walkout, leave the relationship and find someone else. Luana was desperate for him to stay, and kept begging him to leave.

Why? Here's where this applies to me. Luanda made Anthony the center of her world and became over dependent on him emotionally. He made her feel like he needed her, and she relied on him totally for her emotional security and identity. An Expensive mistake!

It all goes back to her childhood where she never felt like she belonged to her parents or they to her. She was trying to gain approval from her father. I never felt safe and secure as a child or like I belonged.

It's crucial to the child in us hearing things like "That's My Girl!, We love you more than anyone else in the world!." In my case, it was missing as in most abusive and/or neglected relationships as children. I was emotionally starved as a child.

She was like a child in the relationship. She became overdependent on him for approval. She was fixated on him to feel "lovingly owned". Normal men seem boring.

Narcs and Jerks don't assusage our needs, they just temporarily drug them with their own paranoid controls. Never did I imagine my childhood played such a prominent role in my adult relationships and why so many of them were exploitive of me, as are most narc relationships. Who knew or would have guessed?

I am eager to read the rest of the book - it's really helping me understand myself better and why I was emotionally 'SUPERGLUED" to my jerk Narc. Thanks for reading if you'e gotten this far!

Jul 16 - 11AM
Reddley
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I may have to go find a copy

I may have to go find a copy of this book for myself. As a result of my own buggered up family, I'm constantly seeking approval from others. I never get that approval because the people I have chosen to allow into my life are just as buggered up as the people the raised me. I'm also horribly guilty of being a perfectionist and NEVER being satisfied with any of my own accomplishments. I have two college diplomas and a BSc in Comp Sci - 1 of 3 females who graduated out of a class of 111. I SHOULD BE satisfied! I wish that I could just point the finger and say to my parents - YOU PEOPLE FUCKED MY LIFE UP! and that would make it all better. But I am an adult now and I am responsible for everything that happens to me from here on out. At the risk of blabbing on too much about myself... but to explain what I mean in further detail... The abuse I endured as a child was far worse then the abuse I received from my ex N. His abuse was actually quite mild and in some ways I felt loved for a time simply because he didn't call me names or hit me. My mother was verbally and physically abusive. She hit me with the closest thing that she could get her hands on - be it a metal spatula, broom handle, belt... didn't matter. Her words did far more damage then anything she ever hit me with. I was useless, a moron and a stupid little bitch. Once I got my first job, I was expected to give my entire paycheck to my parents. One particular week, I had withheld it so I could by myself new workboots FOR my job. Two days later my mother finally exploded and chased me around the kitchen with a steak knife. So a little neglect from my N isn't quite so bad per se. In the grand scheme of things he was actually somewhat kind, right? So yes it is very easy to get hooked on a jerk/narcissist if you're already damaged goods. I am not saying that I accept that. I'm saying this is how I was thinking. I do consider myself to be one of the lucky ones. I got out alive and I have a chance to fix myself even if it takes me the rest of my life to do so. The one thing that drives me... that makes me believe I CAN do this... is my daughter. She is 19 and on her own now. Mentally well and in a healthy relationship with a really great guy. I had just emailed her to tell her I was proud of her for something and this is her reply: "Well, you did a damn good job raising me, momma. You are my parent and my best friend. I don't care what anyone says, you're the bestest mom I could've asked for. :)" I DO have at least one healthy relationship in my life. I CAN do this! I can get myself well... I do NOT need craziness in my life anymore.
Jul 16 - 11AM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Soapergirl

Thanks for the post and book suggestion. It sounds interesting and I think that is so true about trust level. My exN rushed our r/s in the beginning and reeled me in with his charm. Eventually, he liked the idea of me being the little girl too. I think to put me in the one-down position and gain more control. He used to say, "You're my world" and "It's you and me against the world" which I loved, but then I somehow turned this into making him my world too, I guess. Maybe that was what he wanted all along, almost like a reverse psychology. I do think what was missing in my childhood played a part in it, but I had other setbacks at the time, including my health. This I think was my main downfall. Not being whole physically made me doubt my lovability, and I'm still dealing with it. He acted like my knight in armor, ready to sweep me away to his castle. Come to think of it, that's what he did, only it was more like a dungeon, very dark, cold, and creepy. I think I was supposed to be the maiden to fix it up and make it brighter. Uggh!
Jul 16 - 10AM
Used
Used's picture

SOAPERGIRL

this so applied to me i was thinking about narc today..and how did it get to the point where i felt lost without him....and what you have just written is the whole thing in a nutshell...my parents didnt bring me up..but my father did use to visit me[my mother hardly ever]..so since then with narcs..i have tried to recapture, what i had with my father tho it was fleeting...narc made me feel and exh, i wouldnt be able to cope without them,even tho it was them neede me..but i believed them, to the point i let them tell me what to even wear and say...anorexia got me away from my husband and relizing one day i didnt need narc, it was the other way round..they both tried to baby me and help me with putting on my HAT AND GLOVES AND SAYING DADDY WILL HELP YOU YUK YUK YUK ..I REMEMBER ONE DAY NARC SAID HE WAS THINKING I DONT WANT TO BE FRIENDS ANYMORE WITH USED..AND THEN SAYING TO ME BUT I[HIM] THOUGHT YOU NEED HER MORE THAN SHE NEEDS YOU...AND WITH MY NEW ENLIGHTENMENT...I SAID I DONT NEED YOU AT ALL....HE LOOKED DUMBSTRUCK....AND NOT LONG AFTER I FINISHED WITH HIM FOR THE LAST TIME AND FOR GOOD....THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR THISXX
Jul 16 - 9AM
StudentOfLife
StudentOfLife's picture

Thank you for sharing this,

Thank you for sharing this, and I think I want to find a copy of that book as well. This really hits home for me today because I had my first post-N therapy session on this past Thursday and we actually touch on childhood experiences and needs that weren't met and such... where the patterns started for us that lead us into these unhealthy adulthood relationships. Have a blessed day!