Reina's story

Sorry so long but it feels very cathartic to right it all down in chronological order. Most people just do not understand the depth of pain this person has caused me, and trying to tell them all of this at once often is not possible or reasonable:

After the birth of my second child, I started training in martial arts under this man. I had been married about a year. Gradually, I dedicated more and more of myself to training and to the school. I helped teach, helped organize events, and became the confidante of the instructor, who was also married. For the first 6 years or so, he exhibited absolutely no inappropriate behavior whatsoever toward me or any other female student.

At some point about 4 years ago (April 2008) this man came to me and told me he was extremely attracted to me and wanted to start a physical affair. I resisted and continued to resist for about a month. He began to send me lengthy, emotional emails every night, telling me why we were perfect together, that he promised to never break up my marriage (which was not an unhappy one), that I was the perfect woman for him, that his wife was not the woman he was meant to be with, that he married her only because she became pregnant

Eventually I succumbed although I wasn’t particularly physically attracted to him. However, I soon became very physically involved with him. We would have sex at the martial arts studio, in motels, and in his car. He separated from his wife in September 2008, and lived at the martial arts gym because he did not have the money to rent his own place. I became very, very emotionally involved as well and by October was convinced that he was my soul mate and that we would eventually be married. He accompanied me in secret on a business trip to Chicago that I took for work. When he went to training camps, I would attend with him in the role of his student.

He began to pressure me to leave my husband. In December, my husband saw a text, which resulted in me admitting the affair and we split up. My NP moved into my house (with me and my two kids) the day my husband moved out. I was uncomfortable with him moving in so quickly, however I knew if I resisted he would get angry and ignore me or threaten to leave me. By this point, I was totally emotionally invested in this man and the relationship.

I continued to train at NP’s school and we were now officially a couple, but almost as soon as he moved in, bad things began to happen. About a month after moving in, he got extremely upset because he saw of photo of me talking to a mutual friend who had come to watch me in my first mixed martial arts cage fight. That night, claiming I was sleeping with the man in the photo, he left the house for the entire night. A few days later, his estranged wife sent me 50 emails each with screen shots of graphic sexual text messages she said were between her and my NP. He insisted they were fake and I totally believed him.

A few months later I came home from work and found out I was “in trouble.” He was sitting on the bed, arms crossed and began to interrogate me about a platonic lunch I had recently with a male co-worker. He had gone through all my email on my work computer. I found myself having to defend myself from him, in a huge fight. I would find myself doing this over and over for months and years to come. Always, I felt like I was “in trouble” and he would ask me question after question in an interrogation style: “Do you think it’s OK to go to lunch with another man?” “Would you like it if I went to lunch with a female student?” and on, and on, always putting me on the defensive.

After that, to me, all bets were off regarding privacy. I looked at his email and found evidence that he’d been sleeping with at least one other woman while seeing me and was emailing other women, flirting and asking them out. In all the communications with these women, he had exaggerated everything about himself. He wasn’t necessarily untrue, but definitely made all his accomplishments just a little bit better. When I confronted him, he somehow managed to again put ME on the defensive and left for the entire night, leaving me in tears in a crumpled mess on the floor.

For about a year, the only bill this man paid was our joint cell phone bill and the gardener. Other than that, I paid all the bills, mortgage, utilities, everything. After about a year, he stopped paying the cell phone bill. He did not like me looking at his cell phone records so put his phone on its own account. If asked him to help with the mortgage payment or any other bills, he went crazy saying that I should be helping him pay the bills for the martial arts studio, including the rent. What?! Just how dumb did this guy think I was? I told him that my personal income should NOT being paying his business expenses, his business should be paying for itself and then paying him an income. For months he tried to use this ploy and finally stopped because I 100% was not buying it. He’s months behind on his rent at the martial arts gym. Several years behind on his business taxes. Has absolutely no assets. Lives in a room behind the gym without the landlord knowing. No health insurance. His life is in shambles. He does not drink, smoke, or take any drugs. I get the sense he never wants to be out of control.

I noticed over the years that he and his estranged wife texted and called quite a bit. Over the years, there were one-off incidents that did not make sense if he really hated her as much as he said: One morning I saw a text from her “I’m hot and wet.” Another time her cell phone was in the front seat of his car. On a trip to L.A. she was texting him at midnight on a Saturday. After every incident like this, I would be extremely upset but not only would he wheel-and-deal his way out of being culpable, he also made me seem like I was being crazy and unreasonable. His favorite comment became “I am sick of you accusing me.”

Whenever I was upset about anything, no matter how mild my anger was, he followed a pattern. He would ignore me. Go into the bedroom, read and not even look up. I would walk around the bed demanding he answer me or talk to me, and he would not. If the arguing escalated, he would simply leave the house. Some days he’d be gone for just one day, or a few days, or a week, and once for 6 weeks. Each time, I initiated a reconciliation, only to have the pattern repeated over and over and over. It was horrible. I didn’t understand how I could be in such relationship turmoil. Every other part of my life was in order, and I excelled in many thing: Work, my training, my friendships. I was embarrassed to tell anyone how horrible things could be. After all, I’d had an affair so I was guilty and deserved what I got, right?

He began to demand that I finish my divorce, yelled at me that he would leave unless I started the process. Ultimatum after ultimatum. But of course, he NEVER filed divorce papers until long after my divorce was complete. What a hypocrite. I could not understand his reluctance to divorce. HE was the one who pursued me, wasn’t he? He claimed he never loved her and it was easy to believe. His wife was the opposite of me in every way. Out of shape, didn’t graduate from college, had been in jail, not particularly attractive, did not train at the martial arts studio. Very few students liked her.

Throughout the three year period of living together, his wife took every opportunity to interfere in our lives. When she found out a cat litter box was in the doorway of her daughter’s room, she called 911 at 11:30 PM on a Sunday. She called and text him incessantly, and he would take the bait. I’d sometimes have to watch him and her text back and forth arguing and arguing for up to an hour or more. Yet, he never did one thing to actually stop the harassment. He begged me to never respond in kind, to not “cause more problems.” In retrospect, he was probably doing the classic sociopath technique of pitting the two parties against each other, lying to both of us.

He loved presenting this “perfect couple” image out to the world. He owned a popular mixed martial arts gym, his girlfriend was a blond, female fighter who could hang with the male fight team and who taught the kids classes and organized all the social events and did the billing. He just assumed i should be doing all this, even though I had my own, full-time job. It was all about image. He loved to take tons of photos of me and us, and post them on Facebook. Little did anyone know (except my kids) how shitty things could be at home. But he was ALL about image.

About one year ago, he moved out for about 6 weeks. This was the first time he had moved out where I refused to call him or drive over to the gym and beg him to come back. I started therapy and signed up at another gym that was very close to my house. Since then, I have been gradually trying to extricate myself from this relationship but it hasn’t been easy. After reading this site, along with many others, I realized that this man is a sociopath and uses all the familiar tricks to keep me engaged in his life. He tells me “it’s over, I will never forgive you! I’m going to make it my mission in life to find another girlfriend (who really loves me) ASAP” then writes long emails about how we are soul mates, we’re perfect for each other, no one will ever love me like he loves me, etc. He won’t talk to me in person but will send long, argumentative emotional texts literally for hours.

I’ve continued with therapy even though it’s quite painful to sit and talk about the same painful things week after week. Last November 2, he walked out on me for the last time. The day after he moved out, I changed the locks. I didn’t call him and didn’t hear for him for over two weeks. He finally texted so say he wanted to pick up his stuff and I said fine. Once at the house (I was at work and told him I’d leave the back door unlocked for him), he said “I just can’t do it, can I come back another time?” so I said fine, whenever you are ready. He gave me several opportunities like this one to tell him I did not want him to leave, but I did not take the bait. One day I just packed up every single thing of his and his daughter’s (who lived with us every other week) and left them ready for the next time he came. He finally took all of this about a month later, pissed off that I had packed all his stuff.

Since that time, we’ve been in a cycle of seeing each other and not. We went to couples counseling once and again he pulled a classic sociopath move of using something I’d said in counseling against me later on at home during an argument, so I refused to go back. Of course I was the one paying for those counseling sessions. It’s been hard because most of my friends I had developed were students at the gym. I’ve lost touch with most or many. Of course, he presents the most normal, admirable face to the world. They all love him and most would not believe the things I’ve written here.

The final breaking point (well, not really but hopefully) came on March 25, 2012. He had spent the entire weekend at my house and left about 7 PM on a Sunday. He normally stayed much later on Sundays, and I jokingly told him that I might stop by the gym. He said “go ahead.” So I did. When I arrived, his ex-wife was walking out. She became irate when she saw me and demanded what I was doing there. I said “He said I could come by anytime,” she replied “We’ll see about that. We just fucked.” He walked out and immediately knew he was caught. She started yelling at him and all he kept saying was “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don't’ want to talk about it.” I couldn’t understand why she was way angrier than I was. After all, I was the girlfriend, wasn’t I?

She started threatening to prevent him from seeing their daughter, at which point I just started talking a bunch of shit to her. Four years of having to put up with whatever she felt like doing made me SO mad. I told her she was a loser, that he was at my house all the time (this made her super mad, which leads me to assume that he told her that he wasn’t seeing me), that he had been sleeping with other women while married to her and that I would send her email proof. So so so freaking dysfunctional! She finally left in disgust. Amazingly, as soon as she drove away, he started crying! Begging me to stay, he told me he needed money and that she had paid him 100$ to sleep with him! (As if this somehow was a good thing to tell me!) I told him we could never be together again and left. But of course about two weeks later, he begged me to give him a ride to San Francisco. He had walked 50 miles as part of a fundraiser and left his car there. Of course I fell for it, and the cycle starts again.

However, I now felt that the relationship he had (sexual or not) with his ex was inappropriate and told him to end it or it was over between me and him. He insisted that the sex was a one-time thing. I didn’t believe him and this has led us to the point we’re at now. I refused to go to counseling until he ends whatever is going on with her. I blocked his phones and refused to see him. He has come to my house a few times, and each time I tell him to leave. I’ve almost had to call the police because he will ring the door bell hundreds of times.

Finally about two weeks ago, a couple thing happened:

He followed me from my house to my work, blocked me in the parking spot with his car and demanded I get out. I was afraid so I called 911. The police came put him in handcuffs and told him he had to leave me alone. He hadn’t hurt or threatened me so they could not arrest or cite him but they told me I should get a restraining order. His excuse to them: She told me she would go to counseling to me and now she won’t. I have since filed a temporary restraining order, and have a court date of May 23.

I finally had actual proof that he has been having a sexual relationship with his ex wife for at least 6 months. Part of me is not surprised but part of me feels so betrayed. In the text messages, of which there are many graphic, pornographic ones, they discuss all different things about keeping me off their scent. About changing passwords, not replying to emails. There is absolutely nothing loving in their texts. They are purely pornographic and practical (“The hotel is at this address. Cum early if you want, I’m already here, your half is $30.”) In many of the texts he is quite clear that he is trying to work out out with me, and tells her to “cool it with the texts.” To me this event is the most heart-breaking and represents the biggest betrayal. I cannot get my head around what they are to each other. I feel that they have been conspiring against me and I wonder if she too is not also a sociopath. She doesn’t seem like the normal NP victim: She is not an empath, she is not giving or friendly. When I was simply a student at their school, she never once said “thank you” or showed any appreciation for anything anyone did for her or him or the school. If she has to drive her daughter any extra miles, she demands he give her gas money. She is every bit as selfish as him. I can’t figure out what he sees in her and this is very, very hard for me to deal with. I can only be thankful that I have actual proof of their relationship. Without this, I think I could have been convinced for many more months by him that “it was just that one time.” I feel like if this was with some other, new woman I could better understand it. But I also know that if the NP has a ready supply (this ex-wife) he is much more likely to go there than do all the work required to cultivate a new supply: all the acting, having to spend money, all the effort required to exaggerate his accomplishments. Intellectually I know this about NPs, but emotionally I cannot seem to get over this one hurdle. This discovery has devastated me even though I know it’s for the best.

As for NC, I’ve gone weeks before with NC, so I think I can do this. I have not spoken with him for 7 days as of today although I was drinking yesterday and sent one text he did not answer. I think I am going to stop drinking altogether.

The restraining order I have against him means that I cannot contact him or it will affect the court case on May 23. If he contacts me in any way, he is at risk of being arrested and he knows this. I really, really hope that this will be the end. I feel like four years of my life has been taken from me.

I have always prided myself on having a good people sense. I have never, ever viewed myself as a victim. I am trained in self defense, I train other women, and physically could probably best 90% of the people I meet. So it's been a very humbling experience to admit not only was i had by this man, but also by his wife. I almost feel like I've been conned by Bonnie and Clyde or something. I know I will get out of this situation, but i want to as soon as possible.