rediscovering yourself is so hard

Trying to rediscover who you are can be a tiring process. Remembering things they did you could never tell them without getting things like "all you do is cause fights" "you just have to be right, don't you?" "What's wrong with you?" "Why are you being like this?" "You're so judgemental" "I hate what you do to me" and so forth getting tossed back at you. The projections "you don't validate my feelings" "I am just being truthful" "you're so defensive". The spinning. The other women you for some reason felt and maybe still feel inferior to. The silent treatments. The demands that you love and care for them or if you dare mention what you need you are simply spouting bullshit.

The feeling you are going crazy. The guilt for setting boundaries. The way they blame you for their behavior: "if I'm so bad why do you love me and care for me?" The "I'm sorrys" that are used as a ploy to shut you up. The way thwy withhold sweet words while courting another woman but bring them back when she is either gone or being punished herself.

The health problems resulting. The blindness and amnesia to who he truly is returning when he says something loving after a few minutes before belittling you for being suicidal over him or abandoning your family for him.

The sleepless nights spent wondering what she has that you don't. Remembering how he once pursued you so charmingly the way he did you. The way he wants to start working out, eating right, setting positive goals, things he couldn't be bothered with before.

You still wonder why you weren't good enough. Why you didn't deserve love, forgiveness for your mistakes, a wedding ring.

So much was invested into him only to have it thrown back in your face. Nothing was put back into you. Now you're an empty jar.

Rediscovering yourself is so hard...but it starts with investing all your thoughts into you, all your care into you, all that love into you and you alone.