red flags you chose to ignore

36 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 16 - 5PM

Timehelps2

red flags you chose to ignore

I know I saw something like this before but I cant find the thread. Please feel free to bump this if it needs to be.

Now that I am free of the situation I can look back at the red flags I chose to dismiss. These are just some of them. WOW, do I feel stupid reading them now. My 13 year old even asked me what were you thinking? Just shows how incredibly blind you are when your in the whole situation.

My red flags:

What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her (talking about his fiancé that he didn’t want to marry) when flirting and making suggestions to get together.

he had 1 marriage and 2 broken engagements...that I knew of.

Mother who called him every day after she got home from work.

Referred to her as whore when he saw it was her calling, but seemed to really love her and be nice when she was talking to him.

Felt like I was going over to a serial killers house the first time I went to his place, just that weird uneasy gut feeling.

Seemed to spend all his off time alone at home watching TV.

He had no close friends that I knew about that he had made in the area, but all his acquaintance friends seemed to be women.

Women always seemed to doing him favors.

Unbelievably flirty with every female he runs into. Says he just likes to make people smile and make their day nicer.

Would never admit to it but was racist and homophobic.

Totally didn’t understand some things he said being very inappropriate. Like talking about how cool it is to drink with my teenage daughters.

Openly flirty with my older daughter.

Almost everyone couldn’t stand him at work. I found myself embarrassingly always trying to defend his behavior and make reasons to justify why he acted like he did.

Enjoyed firing people, making them cry and belittling them.

Always talked about the latest woman who flirted with him, gave him her number, asked him out, told him he was cute etc… loved to be acknowledged as desirable by any woman.

Lies, OMG, the lies. The one that makes me laugh is the one in the beginning that he’s a terrible liar because “I’m so bad at it you can tell I’m doing it and I could never get away with it”. Lied about his work past, how he met his fiancé, details about his past that wouldn’t matter at all anyway. Some of it made no sense why he would bother lying when it wouldn’t make any difference what so ever. They started to pile up so much I couldn’t understand it. I’d never encountered a compulsive liar and it threw wrenches into my gears of reasoning.

He was a gossip junkie. Loved to have the latest dirt on everything. When things were boring he made up things to cause trouble.

#2 Dec 23 - 7AM

helldweller

red flag

Not calling me by my name. Ever. I asked him about it once, and he called me by it right after. He said, "I love you, *******" in this mocking tone. All the other five women he was seeing that I talked to said the same thing. "Honey" or "Baby" every time. No wonder!

#3 Dec 23 - 7AM (Reply to #35)

Used

names

a good mate of mine, said he called all women kitten, that way he didnt call them by another womans name.. i said thankyou for marking my card and beign honest KITTEN, he was realy offended.. pretty sure he is a narc but we just are mates who have a coffee together, once in the blue moon, he might have an agenda, but i am now to clued up to buy into it, so lessons well learnt from my 2exn,s...thankyou boys!!!

#4 Dec 22 - 10PM

Timehelps2

More as I think of them

I saw a piece in current tv about "the game" where a book was written about how to catch women. When I said to him I saw someting that reminded me of you (haha, jk, kInd of comment). DEAD silence! Durrrrr. Still didn't catch on! I'm going out with "*" she knows I have a girl friend but just wants to go out as friends. I sent a text. You didn't get it? "So & so" is so cute/funny/adorable! Always seemed to pay for more things than I should have. Stared, in a creepy way, at women he liked when he lost intrest in me. Then made up some bs excuse why he was looking like "Those shoes are really intresting".

#5 Dec 23 - 7AM (Reply to #33)

Used

cargogoods

Those shoes are really intresting". ALL THE NARCS I KNOW HAVE GOT A SHOE AND BOOT FETISH. so he was probley, telling the truth for once ...lol

#6 Dec 20 - 11PM

Susan32

Humorless

The ex-Psych professor lacked a sense of humor. My Narc grandmother, my former Narc coworker AND my former Narc boss at least are able to mock themselves! At least the former Narc coworker didn't mind being compared to a big plump baby with a Buddha belly... he liked it. He'd laugh. Not so with the ex-P. He'd mock OTHERS. He had a cruel sense of humor... toward OTHERS. But he found ridicule at his expense physically and emotionally unbearable. He was paranoid about it. He was afraid that I had printed one of his papers off the internet, was selling it, and having people laugh at it. He thought that people dying from mad cow disease was funny. But laughing at him while comparing him to a tantrum-throwing toddler? He didn't like that. He'd grimly say "You're not taking me seriously. Don't compare me to a child." Sometimes, when he was being ridiculed... he'd just walk away. He found it *THAT* painful. But I do know how to cause, using humor... "DEEP HURTING!"-Mystery Science Theater 3000

#7 Dec 20 - 7PM

Deidre99

Tantrum throwing

One other thing that occured to me today...he threw major tantrums. I remember when we were dating, and we were talking one night. He was asking me about relationships...I said something that ''reminded'' him of his ex wife. He asked me to ''stop talking.'' I said...what's wrong? He said...just stop. He wouldn't say why. I said...''we should discuss this, if we can't discuss things, then what do we have, right?'' I said this nicely. He said...''then I guess we have NOTHING!'' I was dumbfounded. He wanted to get off the phone. I was practically begging him to tell me what I said. I could kick myself for all of that. We got off the phone. Then I called later, and I apologized. UGH! And he said he was sorry for acting like that, but that he just felt like something triggered from my story relating to his ex wife. I said to him...if you are not over your ex wife, we don't have to continue dating...it's fine. Then, he was all apologetic. Whenever I'd back away, he'd come closer. As others have said in here...it's opposite day ...everyday...in narc-ville. lol So...if your man is throwing a tantrum over anything, really...but does this type of thing. Gets angry, and won't tell you why. And then practically hangs up on you...RUN DON'T WALK out of that relationship. *Something to note about this. When you go through these things with a narc...he keeps mental notes of all of this. He realized early on...that night, and all the OTHER nights, that I was an easy target. That I would apologize for HIS wrongs. And that is what a narc does. He looks for signs that you are going to be the supply he's looking for...

#8 Dec 20 - 3PM

Susan32

BIG Red Flags

He found pregnancy repulsive. I am fortunate that unlike the OW, he didn't impregnate me. He said that there's hostility and alienation between spouses&they fight more when the wife is pregnant... because that's what happened to Tolstoy and that's what's in "War and Peace." He also referred to children as "snot-nosed" and "urchins." After the D&D, I read that the ex-Psych professor's parents were raising his twins. Strangely, these twins' parents went unmentioned, as if the twins had been orphaned. Then again, Obi-Wan Kenobi told Luke Skywalker that his father had died during the Clone Wars.

#9 Dec 17 - 8PM

Deidre99

Just wondering for those who

Just wondering for those who said the lies...how did you eventually come to find out these men were lying to you? Were they cheating and you found out or other lies? I think mine lied too...like about stupid stuff, but lie nonetheless.

#10 Dec 22 - 10PM (Reply to #28)

Timehelps2

Wow, the lies! So many!

The first oh, 20 or so I tried to explain away. Job, how he met his fiance, txt sending at the wrong time, leaving work at the wrong time that he said, exgirlfriend doing things then it was a differnt one next time he told it. The big one: retelling a story I was there for totally different but not remembering that I was there! So caught him and was like "That's not what happened! was there!" and he freaked and said iis this what happens to your memory when you smoke too much pot?!" Finally the nagging feeling of him cheating became too much and I broke up with him. Delayed txts, asking over and over if I'd be seeing him on "x" day. Or I'll be out of touch because I have to leave my phone when I'm doing this sport. I knew in my gut things were wrong but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt.

#11 Dec 17 - 9PM (Reply to #26)

discovering lies

mine was a pack rat--saved parking tickets, documents from his 1st bankruptcy, letters when he was fired, letters when he was written up for assaulting an RA in the dorm. Neighbors and friends running into him at bars with other women while I was at home with our daughter. Finding a perscription for Cialis when we were not having sex because he'd pass out. And texts. I was his WIFE & he locked his phone after I read one text he sent another woman telling her how beautiful she was.

#12 Dec 23 - 7AM (Reply to #27)

helldweller

M and lies

Mine beat the crap out of me in front of my house--with neighbors watching, and he's a JUDGE--because I tried to look at his phone. I swear to god he was foaming at the mouth. He still insisted that it was a "matter of principle" and "trust" and he had nothing to hide. Six months later I stole his phone and talked to five different women he was involved with--one for twenty freaking years. The lies start right away, and you totally know, but you rationalize it all away because they are so good at convincing you that you're imagining things. Trust your gut. That's the first thing that goes: trust in your own intuition. Never again.

#13 Dec 17 - 6PM

smokabear

blaming ex wife for marriage

blaming ex wife for marriage falling apart ,find out out later he treated her same way as me had lables my wife my daughter. never called them by thier names lies lies lies had dissconnected from his family duh now I now why his excessive need for attention. if I didnt pay attention he would get mad and pout or use the silent treatment had issues with mother said she was manipulative and controlling and hated the way she controlled his dad

#14 Dec 17 - 2PM

Goldie

The lies were the worst of it for me

I’d never encountered a compulsive liar and it threw wrenches into my gears of reasoning. That is exactly how I felt in my head with the constant lying. My brain started to feel like it was getting fried from my inability to reason or make any sense out of his stories. They did not ring true, yet he could lie without any of the usual signs of lying. No conscience I would suspect. Those types can pass a lie detecter test because they feel nothing while lying even if we are crying or angry, they feel nothing. Creepy. God bless, Goldie

#15 Dec 22 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

Timehelps2

Like the truth

Rolled off his tongue like the absolute truth! Would never have known the difference until there were so many piled up you couldn't ignore all the lies that made no sense.

#16 Dec 17 - 2PM (Reply to #22)

yes, the lies

His first wife divorced him due to "cruel & inhumane treatment". I read the divorce papers. When I asked him about it, he told me it didn't say that & I was full of sh*t. When I handed him a copy I made, he then said they married too young (late 20's). Lies

#17 Dec 17 - 1PM

more red flags

-lived with "x"girlfriend while we were dating. -kept referring to xwife as "wife". -mentioned that xwife "became dowdy & started wearing flannel nightgowns". -demanded privacy while we were married

#18 Dec 17 - 11PM (Reply to #20)

loveofmylife

M

that is a big thing with mine too - demanding privacy...do you know what that was all about? mine says "I need my quiet time" - but it is a big deal. red flags = said xwife abandoned him and the children, but somehow she got a house and three businesses. - cancelled the wedding with his live in fiance twice. - live in fiance for three years while he had small kids at home. Can we say "commitment issue" - said "that is before i learned to control my anger" - restraining order from xwife - always refered to his xwife as "xwife" - never by her name, even after we had known eachother for many years. - referred to his kids as "urchins" more than he used their names. - unbelievable mixed messages - canceled dinners on me at last minute 50% of the time - too good to be true - evasive answers - then came the lies, lies, lies.... gaslighting, mood swings, dr jekyl mr. hyde, two faced, no loyalty, talk behind my back.

#19 Dec 17 - 7AM

Anne_

red flags

- used a very creepy picture of himself on a dating site. For the description of a perfect partner filled in: mirror of myself. Lied about his child on the dating site (children: none) - was at first very enthousiast, couldn't wait to see me - was very reluctant to give me a kiss on the cheek after our first date - didn't introduce me to his friends who we ran into by accident on our third date - didn't answer his phone when I tried to call him. didn't respond on e-mails - didn't want to kiss me when we slept together - I could smell the perfume of another woman on him - I was warned by friends that he had other girlfriends. I was warned that his father was disturbed, and that it could be heridatory - I invented him to my home warming party, and he came two hours later than he had told me. I was stressing out that day bc there was a problem with the water in my kitchen (a leak). He promised to play music at my party, but only got there at 10 pm. Too late! He flirted with another girl on MY party - He took me on a trip and asked my to dress like a prostitute, to see how submissive I was. He took me to a restaurant, looking like that - he wasn't very generous, the bill always had to be split in half. - we went shopping together, but only wanted my advice on his clothes. Didn't want to "waste time" by waiting while I picked out clothes for myself. - He was late on several occasions, but when I was two minutes later than, he was on the phone asking where I was - we agreed to meet in town, but in rained. I cycled through the rain, anxious to be late. I waited for him for fifteen minutes. He just waited till it stopped raining! And that was just in the first couple of weeks. Uuuggggghhhh! Why didn't I even consider being in a relation with him. he is a CREEP!

#20 Dec 16 - 9PM

apple

Top red flag I missed!!!

I'm so ashamed that I stuck around for three years wanting to be with him after he said this... "My friend told me he would kill my ex for five grand but I didn't have the cash to pay him." At the time I thought he was joking. Now I really wonder.

#21 Dec 17 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

Goldie

Probably not joking

My X while in jail offered 5 guys in a holding cell, 4 or 5 grand to kill me, that must be the going rate. He told them my name, age, address ect... One of them was disgusted by his behavior and actually reported it to the police, course they did nothing cuz the guy who reported it was also a con and basically in my town the cops don't care too much about domestic violence, they seem to think it is funny, they laughed many times when they came to my house. God bless, Goldie

#22 Dec 17 - 6AM (Reply to #11)

onwithmylife

For Cherry blossom

My EXN said to me as we were walking,holding hands, " i never loved you, I only wanted us to get a house together so I could drive you off a cliff and get the house. " THAT my friend is TRUE LOVE, wouldn't you say!!!????? and I called him on it, he nervously said he was just joking and I should have left FOR GOOD, but did not......................

#23 Dec 17 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

apple

Wow!!!

Did you guys ever have the ee-rie feeling that if you DID stay he probably would have ended up killing you?? I really don't mean to be creepy but I think about this often. I told my therapist that I KNEW he would Scott Peterson my ass someday if I ended up with him. I just had that feeling/intuition. It is soooooo hard to have those loving feelings for someone you know can/will cause you harm. And even enjoy it.

#24 Dec 17 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

I was scared in the end

After the final D&D, the ex-Psych professor was begging me for contact info/home address. I had the instincts to give him neither. For some reason, I did not feel SAFE enough to do it. I NEVER felt safe with the ex-P... that's why making out and having sex never happened. I wouldn't have felt safe with him cuddling on a couch. Or innocently holding hands. My mother was afraid the ex-P would beat or kill me. When the ex-P sabotaged my teacher education program at UNM, my friends and I feared for my safety. Where would he stop??? I reassured them that he didn't know where I live, or how to contact me. All I ever told him was that I'd live in town... I never said WHERE. When I left town, I did so without telling anyone. Not even the professors I trusted. I disappeared. "if you DID stay"-The ex-P idolized Leo Tolstoy. In the recent bio of Leo's wife, Sofia, I chillingly read how Leo flew into a murderous rage not long after Sofia had given birth and was suffering mastitis. Leo would go around the house, saying he wanted to kill her because he couldn't stand seeing her suffer. A woman is incredibly vulnerable after she's given birth. Leo was known to fly into murderous rages right after Sofia gave birth. He even considered the nursery "disgusting" and avoided the babies he fathered with her. Leo Tolstoy is famous now for his "love is the answer for everything",but his abuse of Sofia was terrifying. Leo threatened to abandon his wife after the birth of their first child, saying he'd go to war (he had fought in the Crimean War) This was reflected in "War and Peace",in which the narcissistic Prince Andrei abandons his pregnant wife (whom he considers boring) to seek glory in warfare. Leo frequently abandoned his wife, especially when she was pregnant and vulnerable. Yet the ex-P thought Leo Tolstoy was the Greatest Christian Ever.

#25 Dec 17 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

Goldie

OMG

Another doozy. My son's father the first Narc, as we were approaching the Summer County Fair, he saw a coat hanger on the ground and picked it up and asked me if I wanted to use it. At first I did not know what he was talking about then I caught on, I was carrying our child. God bless, Goldie

#26 Dec 17 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

Anne_

Oh Goldie

that's terrible. Mine used to make such terrible remarks about children, albeit other peoples children. Too loud, too annoying..... I'm so glad you and your son got out!

#27 Dec 17 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Briseis

Oh dear god :(

#28 Dec 16 - 7PM

Briseis

I'm glad Allthatglitters

I'm glad Allthatglitters bumped that other thread. There must be tens of them going way back. They are fascinating to read . . . you can really see the similarities in the Narc personality, to the point you wonder if they all aren't cookie cutters of each other. And you get to see OTHER intelligent, educated, savvy women falling for the same crap you did :D You don't feel so stupid around here I hope :D I still don't know what the most memorable red flag I ignored was. Do I count the ones I see NOW but didn't have a clue was a red flag back then? Or the ones that I knew back then were red flags? There were so many of them. THAT'S why I felt stupid. Still do . . . but I know that it isn't true stupidity, it was ignorance. I didn't understand what I was seeing. My gut reaction was right on the mark, but I didn't even know I was supposed to listen to it. And besides, I WANTED HIM. Period. Even after we'd been together a few months and I asked him if he'd ever smacked a woman around, he said "yes" and then told me he and another guy used to run some prostitutes before he got Jesus. He'd have to slap them around when they got cranky and didn't want to get out there and work. I can remember the dress I was wearing (light blue) and the exact spot on interstate 94 we were on, and the Home Depot whizzing by, when he told me this. He wasn't even confessing. It was matter of fact. He didn't sound proud or disgusted with himself.

#29 Dec 16 - 6PM

onwithmylife

Cargogods

I could pick up a number of things similar to you EXN with mine as well.h\e hated homosexual and was racist .Watched TV all the time when alone espcially these horrible depressing criminal shows where they catch people in real life, real draining.Very few male friends, one for a long time, saw him once in a while.Also took a DEEP breathe when i went to his house because I felt like walking on eggshells and watch what I said.Many of his relatives did not like him, one one adult child spoke to him, rest, forget it.Three failed marriages, 2 failed longterm relationships, I was #5.Asked him who was the common denominator and he sent me hateful letter, no recognition what I said to him.Too enmeshed with mother, she ruined him by smothering an doting on him, she was a narc herself and never let him become his own self.

#30 Dec 16 - 6PM

Hunter

Red Flags

No need to list my Narc' s red flags you just did it for me. OMG!! They really are all the same. OXOX

#31 Dec 16 - 5PM

Deidre99

This is a great thread,

This is a great thread, thank you for this. It's important to 'teach' if you will, people how to look for warning signs. Mine with this recent narc were (I say recent, because I had a longterm relationship with a narc years ago) *bad relationship with his mom AND dad/felt obligated to visit them (I did feel sorry for him though...) *his mom cheated and almost died shortly after the affair, and he felt that it served her right *called ex wife a slut (she cheated on him) *called people names, in general (wonder what he's calling me now?) lol *always talking about other women, what they looked liked...how he was ''all that,'' when we were dating *too much texting and swooning in the beginning...it might seem flattering, but it's a red flag *they are attention whores I have more, but heading out for a bit. Talk with you all later.

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews