Red flags - people really will tell you who they are

30 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jul 29 - 4PM
Amy
Amy's picture

Red flags - people really will tell you who they are

So I had a 1st date last night. Met the guy at a club in last week. One of my girlfriends had seen him around for years. She is married, so never really talked to him.

He is a good looking guy - 41, Columbian (I knew he was Latin, just not what), seemed soft-spoken and polite when we met.

So the red flags, in the order they occurred:

1) Asked if I wanted to get married again. I told him eventually I wanted to spend my life with someone, but am not desperate or rushing into anything. He said he had a really bad marriage and "hates" the word "married". Ding! (at the time I am thinking that everyone copes with divorce differently)

2) He travels a lot for work and talked about going to "titty bars" in Japan and how gorgeous the women are - imported from Russia, etc. DING!

3) After a few drinks, during dinner, he tells me that he made a huge mistake when he was married. And he cheated - with a PROSTITUTE! He talked about how she was 20, gorgeous, etc. He said he felt bad and told his wife about it, which is why she left him. DING - hello - you PAID a girl for sex!

4) Apparently he used to have a HUGE gambling problem. But now it is under control. DING!

5) He told me a story of a Columbian woman who flirted with him in front of her husband. Long story short, he ended it with "Actually, if her husband was Latin, he would have hit her." DING DING DING!

In addition, he leered at women while we were out. He talked about how women my age with kids are 2nd tier in his country (bc of baggage) and they are EASY, said something about "women should not have a 6 pack" (was he calling me fat? I am like a size 2!). It was sooo strange. And his eyes got very intense a few times.

He walked me to my car, brief kiss goodbye. He wants to see me again. Because he was right there, I said yeah sure. But NO WAY in hell am I going out with him again!

It goes to show - some people really will tell you who they are. In the moment, I didn't think much of it. As soon as I left, I called a girlfriend, texted others, and they were like WTF? They had no idea he was like that - but they didn't really know him.

I am so glad that for the 1st few dates I don't let guys pick me up at my house. I wouldn't want this guy knowing where I live!

Now avoiding him begins! LOL!

Aug 3 - 4PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Talking about previous gfs

I've been seeing a friendly man lately. He wants to take it slowly (as do I). We haven't gotten to the romantic stage. He has mentioned previous relationships, but he's willing to take responsibility for his part in problems with some of them. He hasn't tried to make me jealous talking about prostitutes, "t^^ty bars",previous girlfriends, etc. He speaks respectfully of his exes. Does it depend on the person? It sounds like a common red flag is Ns/Ps painting their exes as villains,smearing them.
Aug 3 - 2PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Wow Amy, you got all this

Wow Amy, you got all this on the first date! Count your blessings. Run dont walk honey.....xoxooxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 3 - 3PM (Reply to #28)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

No first date here...

Even though ex-Psych professor and I went out to lunch (no, it's not as if he paid) and went to concerts/lectures (they were on-campus and FREE), we NEVER had a romantic "first date." Thank goodness! Counting my blessings still. Besides, it's beautiful here in California. The summer sunshine... without a Psychopath to darken it with his negative mood... What more could I ask for?
Aug 3 - 2PM
herlatestvictim
herlatestvictim's picture

silly me

My ex-N is SOOOOO sick and overflowing with NPD traits that she didn't realize that she was practically quoting the diagnostic manual when giving me these priceless gems that I ignored: ALL QUOTES- I don't take criticism well I need lots of praise and compliments If you hurt my feelings I will stop talking to you for a while until I get over it, then I will call you like it never happened and everything will be okay until you hurt me again Anyone I go out with has to like everything I like and want to do everything I want to do All my exes are crazy, psychos I am my mom's baby. She used to say I was like a doll to her. She is the best. I developed an eating disorder due to my mom's constant criticism of me as a teen. ____________________________________________________ What the hell was wrong with me that I ignored all this???? When I looked into N traits, I thought they wrote them based on my ex-N! My therapist even said, she is a text book case of NPD. I WILL NEVER IGNORE THE SIGNS AGAIN. PEOPLE DO TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE. YOU JUST HAVE TO LISTEN.
Jul 31 - 1AM
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

I would share the red flags

I would share the red flags that I IGNORED...but I'm way too embarrassed to! Okay. I'll share one. But only one. He told me that he was once involved with a woman sexually for 2 months before she found out his real name. She learned of it by accident when a waiter came by with his paid bill and thanked him by name. Think about that one. He talked his way out of it. He's talented that way. I was already in too deep so I ignored that major character flaw. Bad move on my part. That's where I take "blame." I guess that puts me in Camp 2. On a side note, he once told me he liked to see how much he could get away with. That is an example. Let's see what audacious things I can tell her about my actual character, then simply do a little magical "image management" and see if she'll ignore the pathologies. I did.
Aug 1 - 12PM (Reply to #24)
Amy
Amy's picture

ahhhhh

My ex N said that he liked that I was divorced and had been in a bad, abusive marriage. Why? Because he could get away with a lot and I would be ok with it. When I got pissed that he said that, he said he was just joking. Yeah ok....
Aug 3 - 4PM (Reply to #25)
Aliveagain
Aliveagain's picture

Mine asked me if my mate was

Mine asked me if my mate was hot. He then said "maybe her and I can F**K". Before saying he was kidding. I went into a state of shock.
Jul 30 - 4PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

After all those DING DING

After all those DING DING DINGs . . . Comes the sound of the GONG :D (does anyone else remember the Gong Show???) Steeerrrriiiike Three! YER OUT!! Whew! Isn't it so empowering??? And they say you can't get to know anyone in any important way in one date LOL!! You got to know him well enough! You GO, girl :)
Jul 30 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
ClusterF
ClusterF's picture

I think this is so cool

We're turning the tables--We got studied and our chinks exposed and exploited and now we have the tools to do so right back! Good for you!! Can I say that like a hundred times?
Jul 30 - 4PM (Reply to #22)
ClusterF
ClusterF's picture

Err

Not that I want to study and exploit anybody, just to be clear, we have the tools to know what THEY are doing.
Jul 30 - 7AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Amy

OMG Can you imagine if you had met this guy before you knew better? I can imagine the old me thinking, wow, he travels to Japan, wow, he's gorgeous, wow he's afraid of marriage too, wow, he stares at me so intently. Now . . Eeiiiiwwww! Way to go, girl!
Jul 30 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
Janet
Janet's picture

Exactly! or "he just hasn't

Exactly! or "he just hasn't found the right woman yet." HAH. Peace. J

Peace. J

Jul 30 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
better off
better off's picture

Yeah, all the others run

Yeah, all the others run away screaming. I say this hilarious comedian who says "did you ever notice the WRONG people have self-esteem??" And he went on about this jerk guy he knew that should NOT like himself, etc, and that the guy was so delusional he said he had women banging down his door... and the comic says... Yeah! From the INSIDE.
Jul 30 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
better off
better off's picture

(To the Narc:) You need to

(To the Narc:) You need to STOP liking yourself. You SUCK! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCAwiKlLc7E&feature=related
Jul 30 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
Amy
Amy's picture

haha!

Thanks.... It is just so surreal sometimes! After he told me about cheating with a prostitute, every time he talked about how much he travels I thought "bet he cheats on EVERY trip". You are right, I would have probably made excuses before or spun in into a nice story in my head!
Jul 30 - 5AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Ohhhh can I have his number

Ohhhh can I have his number he sounds like a real keeper , I can't decide weather it was the hitting women comment or the prostitute visiting confession that made me go weak at the knees . Lol . Give a man enough rope and he will hang himself (tm)
Jul 29 - 11PM
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

Amy

LMFAO..Unbelievable..how they just talk and talk and tell u what assholes they r..well some talk others dont..My XN was not a talker maybe he was afraid to stick his foot in his mouth!! But this was hysterical, smart never letting them know where u live..xoxo

smileyfacepr

Jul 29 - 11PM (Reply to #13)
Amy
Amy's picture

He just texted

The avoiding starts early... lol! Plausibly, I could be asleep. LMAO! Some things I could use as an excuse.... "We just don't want the same things" (such as prostitution and physical abuse) "I am getting back together with the N" (because somehow he seems better than you already!) "My religion is against gambling and prostitution" "I have a 6 pack and you find that repulsive" (I wish - lol!) "I have so much baggage I am just going to go into hiding" And the classic " It isn't you, it's me" :)
Jul 29 - 10PM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

OMG!

That's hysterical! Ding ding ding!!!! Wow!
Jul 29 - 9PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

You are so right

Oprah said that on her show one time. She said just listen to people and they will reveal who they are, especially in the beginning before they know what not to say to you by your reactions. Let them do all the talking in the beginning and give them very little information about yourself until you decide they are worth it. You did fantastic. Good for you. My N/P said so much in the beginning and I was not listening, I will now. Thanks for sharing, great stuff!!! God bless, Goldie
Jul 29 - 6PM
broken23
broken23's picture

I think its kinda funny how

I think its kinda funny how much some of them do let on. I think you are a lot more aware, and if we lived in pre-narc land possibly we could have laughed it off or still seen where it went. thank god we are a lot smarter! come to think of it - a few things my ex-n said i know how to get girls to fall in love with me i am nicer when i am drunk i dont like to live alone (thus 6 roomates) what can i say im selfish and i dont care how my parents feel yikes.
Jul 29 - 5PM
Steph
Steph's picture

That's a lot of ding ding

That's a lot of ding ding dings on a first date! Thank God you dodged that bullet:)
Jul 29 - 4PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

True Confessions

Here's how my ex-Psychopath professor started our "relationship"- "I've hurt a lot of people." "I'm going to let you down. I've let down a lot of people." "People think I'm mean." "Don't get close to me." "Don't take what I say personally." "Animals are scared of me." "I went to a mental hospital as a child because my lack of feelings scared my parents."
Jul 30 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Some more true confessions

Early on in the "relationship", my ex-Psychopath professor said- "I like making other people look bad so I can look good." "I like getting people in trouble." "Emotions scare me." "I wish you didn't have any emotions." (this last one could be in "WORST THING HE EVER SAID")
Jul 29 - 4PM
better off
better off's picture

Wow. If only they all would

Wow. If only they all would admit to prostitutes, gambling, and wife abuse on the first date! It would save so much time! lol
Jul 29 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

OMG!

better off is right...wish they were all as stupid, err, I mean up front as this guy. It would've saved all of us a lot of time and misery. Amy, how did you ever keep a straight face?
Jul 29 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Amy
Amy's picture

hitandrun

Like I said - in the moment I was just listening. My gf's were texting me on the date, asking if I liked him. I was replying "ehhh he's ok". When I was done, I called one IMMEDIATELY! My council of girlfriends has forbidden me to see him again. LMAO! I am glad my friends are so supportive. :)
Jul 29 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Smart Girl YOU!

Proud of you for watching out for and paying attention to the red flags! Just remember that SOME of these guys actually may be so good at being a 'Prince Charming' and pretend to be the perfect 'dream guy'....that there are NO red flags at all. Wish I had heeded the little knot in my stomach...He was SO wonderful, tall, dark and handsome...there were absolutely NO red flags....not for a VERY long time into the relationship... Now I promise I will hire a private detective to do a complete background check on any guy before I get into a realtionship ...I used to think this was wrong for someone to do...but now? I am going to protect myself as I have learned that the one's who are VERY good at their game can hide their true selves from the best and brightest of us. (mine had a criminal background and arrests for violence/aggression/abuse...I would not have even given him a glance...let alone even gone on a 1st date if I had known what he REALLY was) You can read my story if you would like to...and find out how my dream man...turned out to be a nightmare, without red flags at all...at least not any I could recognize then...(I posted it a while ago in the 'share your story' section). Anyway, Way to go! You were very smart to know what signs to watch for...and lucky this one wasn't very good at keeping his 'mask' on... You GO girl! Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
Jul 29 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Amy
Amy's picture

yeah....

It was kind of surreal. I was like "is he really saying this to me?" lol! My ex N wasn't obvious at first, but there were signs. He told stories of ex-girlfriends and how he treated them poorly (with regret). Also, 6 months into the relationship he told me he had never been faithful until he met me. Wish I'd have paid more attention to THAT one!