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RED FLAGS, THAT I IGNORED

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#1 May 6 - 7AM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

RED FLAGS, THAT I IGNORED

Hind site is always 20/20. But reviewing the beginning of the relationship here where my red flags:

1. A fleeting feeling that I said to myself "It seems like he has always been in a relationship!"

2. Never took responsibility for the ending of any of the relationships.

3. Had no real closeness to any of his family, including his children.

4. Work history was very poor.

5. Had a huge sob story, I won't bore you with the details, but I felt sorry for him. Felt I could HELP HIM.

6. Immediately was jealous, I thought wow he really cares!

7. Punched his truck when we were out drinking because he got jealous. We were both drinking......I am now sober and ended the relationship. Booze played a big part in me not seeing these red flags.

The idealization phase was like nothing I had ever experienced. I was his princess. I was the smartest, cutest, sexist person he had ever met. And I ate it up! It was wonderful. I had never felt like this before! I really thought is was for real. But then the first D & D. I was in shock. I had no idea what happened. I begged him, he was my soul mate, how can you leave, over nothing. Begged him like someone with no self esteem. And he came back, and then the real fun starts! The patterns are all so similar. It's scary. And he has made hoovering attempts. He could be the last penis on this earth, and I would cut it off before I would give him the time of day. Wow! Writing really does help. It helps you see the soul sickness, the abuse, the patterns. Thanks guys.

Love Jen

May 9 - 5PM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

I kept my dignity during the D&D - I refused to beg!

I was very conscious that I must not show my pain to the bastard. I somehow sensed he would have enjoyed my agony if I'd let on and would have become even more vicious and cruel with me. I did admit to having tears on my face, but I also told him I was laughing my ass off at him, mocking him, insulting him... I told him I'd like to be a fly on the wall the day he realized there is no such thing as the perfect woman. I have never ever begged or suggested in any way that he take me back. I sensed doing so would put the power back in his hands, and I would be totally helpless and vulnerable. I just could not lower myself to beg...I couldn't do it. I laughed at him, held my head high and refused to beg. I never will either! No man is worth it!
May 6 - 2PM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

greatfuljen

Yeah, i'm guilty of ignoring the red flags. if I had followed my gut my relationship with him would have lasted 2 minutes not 25 years. WTF??? I also cried and begged because I had no SELF- ESTEEM. The narc/psycho could also be the last penis on earth and guess what? I would remain celibate for life> LOL

victimnomore

May 6 - 1PM
momoya
momoya's picture

Super Sweet High Supply

gratefuljen- They make the idealization phase at the start of the relationship so sweet & they play and target our emotions, our desires and dreams of true love because they get off on our responses and the intense feelings he is able to produce. The feelings of infatuation are so strong! We never knew anything like their focus of attention and adoration and we mistake this for genuine love and care. I replayed our conversations over in my head as well. The intensity of these relationships can be amazing but can also literally drive you to the edge of your own sanity. We loose perspective -quickly. We often wrongly believe we can love them through this problem, and we overlook red flags thinking that this will all pass and we can get back to the good/sweet times...but we never get back there. We all seek to right the ship, but soon we realize we are working alone, and they often love to watch us fall apart and enjoy the fighting and like abandoning us or silencing our voice. It is an endless cycle until one day we wake up and take back our power. All the best to you!

momoya

May 6 - 12PM
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

The list was pretty much how

The list was pretty much how it was with me. #7 was road rage and getting mad that I, a single mother of 2, was not giving him enough "alone time". Um...single mother here, hello? #5 Here he was a 38 yr old man, never married, with a 3.5 yr old son he fathered while using a girl on/off for 2 yrs and she thought if she got pregnant, for sure he would marry her and commit and stop with the games. This was his sob story. The mother was vindictive and wanted him out of the kids life. He only saw his son a couple of times a week and here he was giving me parenting advice. #4, in teaching for 7 yrs but moved almost every year to a different school. Why? because he dated who he could there, broke their heart, and they made it hell for him. So, off to the next school to conquer more women. I didn't connect the dots till later. He would blame administration. All the others, ditto! and to add one: 8. No male friends. All friends are ex's that he would circle around when he wanted an ego stroke.
May 6 - 8AM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Some on your list matter fact

Some on your list matter fact alot on your list sounds familiar. Number 2, 3, 4 and 6 in the beg. Mines had problems with alcohol too. idealization phase for me was off and on the whole relationship. One day he loved me to deaf and we got along the next day he was someone else. We went alot of places together. Movies, restuarants, things like that so I know what he is like when he is the "nice personality" or when he throws on "his nice mask". He is a fun person to be with thats the person I miss . I guess thats why I'm so screwed up over this. Because it was off and on with me more off than on though.
May 6 - 7AM
spinning
spinning's picture

grateful jen, you

have come far! I am proud of you! I know what you mean about the chasing after the disordered one like a person with no self-esteem. I had the exact same thing in the beginning...Mr. Wonderful, etc. and then Dr. Evil. Slowly the tables turned from him chasing me relentlessly to me constantly spinning my wheels to figure out why he was going silent on me, running all over hell to find him and confront him, etc. etc. It was TRULY SICK when I think about it. He almost made me as SICK AS HE IS. As for the red flags, the jealousy thing was HUGE. I had never, ever been with someone like that so like you at first I thought "wow, this guy really cares about me." Later, almost too late, I learned that it was a control and terrorist tactic. The disordered one I was involved with also had the "two camps" of people. There were many who couldn't stand him and thought he was a weirdo, and a few (including me) who thought he was a misunderstood quirky genius. Later I learned that this is typical with the manipulators, too. Some see behind the mask quicker. Obviously I'm a slow learner. There's more but I don't feel like dwelling on it now. I just wanted to post here and tell you that I am so proud of the progress you have made. It is inspirational and helpful. Also, your comments about what happens when you break NC on Ally's post on the other board were EXCELLENT. Jen, I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Big hugs and love from, (not) spinning!!! (not even a little bit today and it feels GREAT!!!)

spinning