Red Flags and Why We Ignore Them

This is a kind of sequel to "When is a Red Flag (Not) a Red Flag".

So starting from the premise that there are three types of red flag, (A) serious Red Flags which are always red (like violence or abuse), (B) personal Red Flags, ie. things which make us personally uncomfortable and (C) partner Red Flags, which become serious Red Flags because of the way our partner reacts to our expressing our discomfort, I would like to fan out a little and look at the reasons we can`t or don`t see Red Flags when they come up.

For myself, I must say that Wottaprick was extremely clever at the start. He has a Doctor`s title, is intelligent and articulate and had obviously read (or skimmed) enough books about what women want, spirituality, astrology etc. etc. to be able to give at least a superficial impression of male emancipation. He was - or seemed - gentle, kind, caring, considerate, a good listener and open to a whole range of topics. He painted, wrote, made music and spoke four languages. So did I. He didn`t try and rush me sexually (which would have been a BIG Red Flag for me), though he swept me completely off my feet emotionally (where I was far less on the defensive). He was seldom loud or verbally abusive, even later - he was a covert, passive aggressive narc, cerebral rather than somatic. I also don`t believe he lied much, actively - passively he was probably lying non-stop.

Like everyone else, after I discovered narcissism, I went back in my head again and again looking for red flags. At the start, there weren`t any obvious ones. I`ve really had to dig to find them. It has not been pleasant digging. Here`s what I dug up.

A real big Red Flag was the speed with which he started "love-bombing". Two weeks after he met me - I`d seen him three times, twice to make music and once at his birthday party - I got the first love-letter. After that we were meeting 2 or three times a week, even though he lived fifty kilometres away and didn`t get to stay the night until two months later. He repaired our bicycles, repaired my car, telephoned for hours on end and sent me long, lyrical mails. And I fell for it.

Why did I fall for it?
Firstly, it was very intense. I was literally on fire, and believed he was too. No-one who had been so much on my level had ever shown me quite that kind of one-pointed interest before - I felt it had been lacking all my life (it had). I had always felt I deserved it (I do). And I believed he felt the same way (he didn`t).

However, it also served my own interests to get into a relationship which seemed so committed (he was talking about marriage and buying a house) before (a) he changed his mind, (b) one of us died, (c) I reached an age at which I no longer felt either desire or desirable or (d) he reached an age where he couldn`t get it up any more.
It seems to me that the age groups 40-50 (afraid of being past it, no longer attractive, never knowing love) and 30-40 (still wanting to have a child) among women are particularly vulnerable to psychopathic love-bombing. It`s hard to apply the brakes when all you want it to jam your foot down on the accelerator and give gas, particularly since it also FEELS so good! Yet that is what we should have done, it is what I should have done. It is also in the psychopath`s interest to get us nailed before his mask starts to slip - he has to hurry. Love, real love, just does not develop this quickly. And it is a major Red Flag.

Then we have the soulmate, mirror-image, Siamese twin aspect. Most of us have yearned for that all our lives - to be One with someOne or someThing. Believing we`ve found it feels SOOO good. We relax, we trust, we surrender, we let ourselves "fall" in love, trusting we will be caught and will not free-fall through all of eternity. And they let us fall. They never intended to catch us. Watching us smash to bits on the rocks is what gives them the sense of a job well done, an ultimate sense of satisfaction. Becoming someone`s soulmate takes even longer to develop than love, however. How blind and naiive of us to believe it could be possible to find both in a matter of weeks. So - mirror imaging = Big Red Flag!

That feeling of familiarity, of being within our comfort zones, of having come home? Big Red Flag, particularly if we had childhoods that were in any way abusive (because then, with an abuser, we HAVE come home), and Red Flag even if we didn`t, because he can mirror "home" just as well as he can mirror "us". It just isn`t normal to feel that much "at home" with a stranger. It isn"t "normal" to feel that a stranger is our soulmate. These are Red Flags which show up right at the beginning, even if there aren`t any more obvious ones. We ignore them because we WANT to believe in a soulmate, in "ideal" love, and also because it feels good. If we are older (and even if we`re not) we may unconsciously feel we`re getting all the advantages of a deep, meaningful, committed love relationship without having to invest years and years in the hard work and millstone grinding that go towards making a REALLY deep, meaningful, committed love relationship. Some of us may believe we just don`t have that many years left to us (I was one of them). So we opt for "all that glitters" and hope it will turn into gold.

Many Red Flags only begin to manifest when we have committed ourselves in some way (we may have slept with them, lent them money, bought something together with them, signed a joint contract with them) or given them power over us (moved in with them, married with them, become pregnant or had a child with them).

Between the time of pleasant-feeling Red Flags during the Idealization period which I willingly engaged in (love-bombing, soul-mate spewing) and the time of very unpleasant obvious Red Flags following the first and subsequent D&Ds, which I fought against valiantly and futilely, there was a phase in which I would say Wottaprick was "trying out" various strategies and tactics to see what made me uncomfortable, caught me off balance or upset me. For example, he openly flirted once in front of me (only once!). I walked away. He sent me pictures of nude women. I never mentioned them. For Easter he presented me with a nude of his ex-wife which he had made into artwork. I told him to ask his ex-wife first if she minded, and then give it to me if she didn`t. I never saw the picture again.

I feel that the testing me was more a Red Flag than what he actually did was. And actually, the biggest Red Flag of all was my own instinct not to let him know that these things irritated, upset or disturbed me. I wasn`t sure if he would start doing them all the time if he knew they upset me. And of course, I was right - he would have done. So I never let on I could be hurt by jealousy or by remarks about my body (which he tried a couple of times) and he just let those things drop and tried other things which worked better, such as letting me down without warning, breaking promises and withholding - he got far better results with those.

After I moved in with him, of course, there were so many Red Flags that I was permanently off balance. But by then, it wasn`t so easy to get out again.

So, to recap on why we ignore Red Flags:

At the start, we don`t recognize them, or don`t want to recognize them because it feels so good. However: if things are moving too fast, if we feel too familiar with someone too quickly, if they seem to be our mirror image - these are Red Flags. It takes time to get to know a Real Person.

Once we have invested in someone, we may overlook Red Flags because we don`t want to lose our investment (like, "Oh, he`s just had a hard day" instead of recognizing beginning emotional abuse for what it is). We may see Red Flags and still not mention them for fear of rocking the boat, however, fear of rocking the boat if we mention something that has upset us is a Major Red Flag! Fear he will leave us if we talk about Red Flags is a Major Red Flag! And fear of admitting vulnerability on some levels in case he knifes us right where we`re vulnerable is a Major Red Flag!

Sometimes we also overlook Red Flags because they are outside the realm of our own experience. Some things may seem so wierd, so alien, that we can`t quite put our finger on why they disturb or upset us so much. In this case, we have to trust our gut feelings. If we feel uncomfortable about something, there`s a reason for it. Can we discuss it openly with our partner? If the result is negating, belittling, defensive, evasive, counter-attacking - or if we KNOW that would be the response, then that is a Red Flag!

Why do we overlook those Red Flags? We don`t want to lose him (ie. we don`t want to lose the illusionary happiness we had at the beginning). And we know at gut level that talking about those Red Flags WILL lose us the illusionary happiness we had at the beginning. For me this means, in our heart of hearts, at our core, we KNOW that the happiness we have at the beginning is illusionary. We buy into the illusion, because it feeds us too.

And I am afraid, once they`ve got us hooked that far and our boundaries have already been this much compromised, that it no longer makes any difference if we "notice" Red Flags or not, which is why narcs. seldom bother to keep up the facade once the`ve really hooked us in. Red Flags abound and become redder and redder. We only have two choices - stay and be broken, or rip ourselves free. By this time Red Flags are no longer at issue - survival is at issue.

Hope this rather long and rambly post is useful to someone apart from me!

Love to all fellow-sufferers wherever they may be

Tigerlily