Recovering from a Narcissistic Relationship

36 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 3 - 10PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Recovering from a Narcissistic Relationship

Recovering from a Narcissistic relationship is no easy task. This is no normal break-up. Many report symptoms of C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). While it is normal to feel grief, anger, overwhelming despair – it is important that you educate yourself, empower yourself and find support.
If you are reading this, more than likely, you have at minimum, a general understanding of what a Narcissist is. Like most of you, I have had a difficult time absorbing and processing what I’ve just experienced. Like many of you, I thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown; however, I have learned in a short time, there are things that I can do to try to get my emotions and understanding in perspective in order to incur minimal damage.
I am not going to tell you there is a secret formula I’m not a snake oil saleswoman selling “Happiness in a Jar,” although, I wish I could. One thing we all know is that there is no particular type of individual the Narcissists target…or is there?
From what I’ve read, there is no discrimination when it comes to whom the Narcissist targets. Victims are of every race, profession and socio-economic status. What seems to be universal is a certain level of low self-esteem. I personally don’t favor the label of “co-dependent” however; there are some traits I can personally identify with. Certainly, I cannot lump every victim into a nice neat little package; however, I can share what my insight has been on this journey and perhaps it may help someone else.
For a time, I was obsessed with my pain and in shell shock over how the NARC could so callously discard me and walk away without any closure or expression of remorse. I was hell bent on having the last word, venting, saying every vile thing I could. In jest, I can say perhaps the only thing I didn’t do was contract a banner flying airplane to spread word about what a creep he was. Yes, when wounded to the core, at times things can get irrational. It is all normal, and part of the process. Nonetheless, at a certain point, we have to make a conscious decision to stop the insanity – because as experience has probably shown you…he won’t.
I cannot pre-determine how many more ups and downs I will have in my recovery; however, I can report that improvement has been steady over the past three weeks. Today is my third week of NC. I will confess, he is still the first thing on my mind in the morning, the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep and he pretty much occupies my mind throughout the day. The thing is, I don’t miss him, I have accepted that I don’t love him anymore – they say love is a decision, a choice and I’d have to say that I just woke up one day and faced the facts…if my relationship was an illusion and the man I thought I loved was an illusion, then it is not possible to still love HIM. I was in love with an illusion and it would be equally insane to still cling to something that NEVER existed. What continues to linger is the pain from the lack of resolution…but because it was all an illusion that I created, only I can create the resolution and the closure.

Once I arrived at this notion, I reasoned that if in fact, this was an illusion that I created, it does not detract from the fact that the Narc is a sorry soul and I could then choose to harp on thousands of questions, pick at the scab a little deeper every day and continue the insanity, or I could make a conscious decision to attempt to detach my emotions to a certain extent…even if it’s just a little bit each time. I have no special technique for reversing the brainwashing, and I’ve read information on re-training your mind to think a certain way – and whatever helps I say go for it – but for me, what has worked was to see my Narc for what every document on Narcissism claims. This individual lacks empathy, and is centered on himself. The only feelings he has are for himself and I’ve seen the word DANGEROUS in a number of publications.
This forces me to think long and hard over the purpose of continuing to focus on the Narc, when I am the victim that needs the empathy, caring and compassion – NOT HIM. And since he has no feelings for me, the only one who can provide me with empathy, caring and compassion is me!
Everyone has some level of self-esteem. Some more than others; however, the focus needs to be on strengthening the self-esteem. I can’t focus on revenge because the revenge will have no effect. It won’t touch him, but will effect me because that would in turn make me no better than him. I can continue to hold the torch; however, I’ve already been discarded, so in essence what I am doing is giving him more time to steal my life and energy. I can question every day “Why? Why? Why?” or, “What does he mean when he says…” But, I won’t get an answer other than what is said in thousands of documents, and re-iterated from everyone who has been through such an experience. What has worked for me is to visualize the Narc as a walking dead soul. A zombie that looks presentable and possibly pleasing to the eye, but no less a zombie. DEAD.
I’ve used the analogy before about being devoured by a lion. Lions are predatory in nature – it’s what they are. No one judges a lion for doing what comes naturally. We may feel sorry for the victim who was mauled – but we really don’t sit there and ask: How could the lion do that? What kind of ANIMAL? We don’t ask those questions because we know what lions do.
Perhaps when in the relationship, we did not see certain things and as a result, suffered for our naivety; however, once we know the facts I think we are in a better position to fight the cognitive dissonance that takes place. We process a lot of information and facts on a daily basis. There is no cognitive dissonance with the concept of 2+2 equaling 4. There is no cognitive dissonance with understanding why when ships sail out to sea, no matter how far they travel, they don’t fall off the earth. We understand and accept certain FACTS. Unfortunately, when it comes to narcissism, especially given the vast amounts of information and the fact that there is no cure, it would be fair to surmise we are dealing with a freak of nature…there really isn’t much left to wonder about. The fact remains, you’ve been emotionally mauled by a predator and it is what it is – and there really isn’t much left to do in terms of resolution but recover.
I wholeheartedly believe that NC is a requirement if you want to heal. I am not a proponent for blaming the victim; however, I do believe that part of healing is taking control and while we cannot control the Narc, we can control ourselves. I think some very hard questions have to be asked. The Narc did not enter our lives without our permission. We allowed it. The signs may have been evident and we chose to ignore them, or perhaps it took us time to see the signs, but we did see signs and chose a course of action. A difficult concept to embrace because it makes us indirectly accountable for their despicable behavior; however, owning responsibility for some of our decisions in a sense TAKES HIS POWER AND CONTROL AWAY FROM HIM. How so? Well, if we sit there and say, “I’m a victim; look what the Narc did to me?” Then he had all the power. If you can see yourself as also having some hand in the experience – then you can address those weaknesses that caused you to be victimized and you will benefit because you will grow and learn from the mistake and hopefully be more conscious and aware next time around.
If you take the time to examine the patterns of past relationships, you may note certain things about yourself that you can control and change.
If there are unresolved issues in your childhood or even adult life – you can use this experience to learn more about what you are driven by and whether or not it’s conducive to a healthy relationship.
The last thing I think anyone needs during this time is another relationship!
Experiencing a narcissistic relationship is a life changing event; however, it does not have to scar you for life. They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. We never lost control or power over ourselves; we were just made to feel that way. It’s what a Narc does. That being the case, it is never too late to take back the reigns and charter your chariot in another direction. It can be the one experience that shakes you enough to be motivated to make radical changes. I hate to think of a Narc as my soul mate but perhaps Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray Love said it best:
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit (Or in the case of a NARC...A BIG BIT!), show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
While painful, detox from a Narcissistic relationship, is probably one of the most soul ravaging experiences other than the death of a close one; however, we can and will survive and if we can keep things in perspective – come out of it even better than we were before. It’s what we make of the experience.

#2 Oct 5 - 6AM

jaycee

thanks michele

thanks michele, I read your post, i hear every word you are saying, and i pray, i too, will decide not to love him anymore, not to care what he does or who hes with, and to move onto greener pastures, even if it means being alone for the rest of my life. even if it means living out of my car and having nothing to eat, because right now, im living no where, i have died inside and cannot face the day without tears and without pain, anything would be better than this, so i guess i could muster the strength, i can wake up tomorrow and decide i dont love him anymore, i cannot be his option, while he has always been my priority. im very very sad, and sick again, physically ill, because of the mental stress of dealing with all of this, i just want to wake up and not love him and not care ever again. thank you for your post and please ask God to answer my prayers as I need them more than ever. xoxo jaycee

Jaycee

#3 Oct 4 - 9PM

moonshine

Michele..

This is a great post. I have been realizing the same as you have written. I was thinking that if we are analyzing the narc in detail to understand and answer the "why" questions ...then we need to analyze ourself too in this respect to break the pattern. It felt really good to be with him because I was in love with my own illusion and no wonder it felt so good because its my own minds projection with him mirroring back. I have been away from him for more than 40 days..these are the same points going on in my mind. i have been reading about the NPD non stop for the past 3 months. I could get some patterns but really at the end...I dont think I am able to get concrete reasons for what happened. I have agreed that I will not get it (although I am still in the reading spree). Recently i talked with a male friend of mine. He said...the blame is also on you....you put yourself in the position. After talking to him I went back and thought about the "why" questions about me. The answer was that the way the narc behaved with me made me think that HE WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT FOR ME. I trusted him from the bottom of my heart and hence when he acted otherwise I was shocked and confused. It took me 6 months to get out of his place and another 3 months to completely stop contacting him. I have accepted that this is how long it took me to do this. The pain was unbearable each time. It felt like someone stabbing me from behind each time i tried to get up. I did get up eventually and walked away...but the pain and scars are still there. Now my mind is starting to think that HE NEVER REALLY CARED....and that is helping me. it takes a while to get to this. First we are confused... then realize in one part of the brain that he is discarding me...then facing the reality slowly....every day. When I open my eyes the first thing in the morning....he pops up in my brain...same goes when i got to sleep. Rest of the time I am with the narc at work. Its really hard. I just shut off my brain that he is around and do my job. Nevertheless he tries to talk to me everyday. I think he worked so hard to gain the trust (as you wrote in your other great post about addition) from me that it shattered my life to realize that NOTHING was actually there. What I also found in my own introspection is that I am proud. It hits hard because of that too. I thought i am the best...because i gave him everything from my heart(isnt this what love supposed to be?) and the best I was able to offer. To realize that he doesn't even consider my best is demeaning. I think you also touched this issue. Narc has also helped to surface other problems with in me. This has helped me to see things better...I guess...hopefully I recover. At the end of the day....we are still here... Thanks and i will look forward more realizations from you. Your writing has helped me understand.

#4 Oct 4 - 9AM

terri

Michelle

Thank you for posting such an eloquent and insightful article. This was exactly what I needed to read today. I agree that the last thing we need - while going through recovery - is another relationship. But I'm so hoping that I can at least find a good man to be friends with. It's like falling off a bicycle and getting right back on. We really loved riding that bicycle and shouldn't give up the experience completely. Just learn what we need to do to ride more safely and keep enjoying that part of life. I know we have to work through all of the emotional issues that were created in the N relationship, and possibly some that we had unknowingly before, but we all need companionship and affection. Frankly, I"d love to hear from members of this board that have moved onto new healthier relationship - I need that confirmation that life still holds that possibility for each of us. I have to agree with every single point you made and it was completely on target with what I'm needing to read on this board right now. Thank you, thank you!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#5 Oct 4 - 9PM (Reply to #29)

almostlydia

This is a terrific article,

This is a terrific article, thanks for posting Michele. And as always, I appreciate Terri's understanding possibly the point I was trying to make earlier. I am not so angry now as I was last night. What is the next things to help us???? that is the point I was trying to make for those of us who are passed NC, have accepted the facts, the N was an N and it isn't going to take one thousand and ONE reconciliations to finally know that I don't want you back here again. The one comment that I have to keep bringing up because I think it is an important one: "It really is difficult to get over the shattering experience of realizing that time, energy, effort and love was given on something that did not exist." I can't say it enough - it did exist for us, for me. I may have been believing in an illusion but I was not one. What I gave and how I loved was not an illusion in any way. This is the pain I'm trying to find some dialogue on to help ME move forward. I was angry because a perfectly wonderful day becomes shrouded with sadness and why???? I have done all the realizations, deletions of people, self examinations, I KNOW the why's what's and if's. But how do I have a normal day again? This is what I am saying. These 'weaknesses' were vulnerabilities that a decent person does not exploit but a wolf in 'grandma's' clothing does. We have weak moments just because we are human. They are the soft spots of humanity, not weaknesses. The N's are poises and ready to take advantage of these but from there they turn these moments into brainwashing acceptance of things we normally would never accept. They alter our reality with confusion using the love we believe in to work their evil deeds. Would you tell a war hero exposed to brainwashing techniques while held hostage that he needed to work on his weaknesses when he was finally free? I am done with the exN. But the emptiness of all that love that was real and the concern about ever being able to even look another man in the eye, seriously, without being scared to death is what I want to talk about. This is the help I was talking about that I need. I have good days but I am afraid of many things now. This emptiness of having had this partnership for so many years and now total emptiness. There is nothing that replaces the love of a partner. I just want to know how we get ourselves back to the place of being open to the possibility without being scared to death of being hurt again, or scaring everyone away that comes in contact because of being so afraid to trust again. This is not about weakness or NC, this is about finding normal again. That's all I'm saying. almostlydia

almostlydia

#6 Oct 4 - 11PM (Reply to #30)

michele115 (not verified)

Almostlydia

Thank you for the compliment on the article...you raise some very good questions, points and express what many of us feel. I don't have the absolute/concrete answers, but I will share my perspective, and who knows...maybe we will figure it out and turn the experts upside down on their heads!...LOL I'm going to cut and paste some of the things only so that I can address the points I feel I can intelligibly answer and let me add, happy you're not as upset... You asked: What is the next things to help us???? that is the point I was trying to make for those of us who are passed NC, have accepted the facts..."It really is difficult to get over the shattering experience of realizing that time, energy, effort and love was given on something that did not exist." I can't say it enough - it did exist for us, for me. I may have been believing in an illusion but I was not one. What I gave and how I loved was not an illusion in any way. BTW...I USE CAPS JUST SO YOU CAN SEE MY RESPONSE...I'M NOT YELLING...lol LIKE YOU, I'VE BEEN READING. I THINK WHAT'S NEXT WILL REST ON A NUMBER OF FACTORS. IT DEPENDS ON WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE OF THE INDIVIDUAL. WHAT WORKS FOR ONE PERSON MAY NOT WORK FOR ANOTHER - IT DEPENDS UPON WHAT THE INDIVIDUAL BELIEVES. SOME PEOPLE LIKEN WHAT WE'VE EXPERIENCED AS AN ADDICTIVE RELATIONSHIP...HENCE, THERE WOULD HAVE TO BE SOME 'ADDICTIVE' PERSONALITY ISSUES - SOME RELATE TO 'CO-DEPENDENCY' SOME SAY 'LOW SELF ESTEEM' OTHERS BELIEVE YOU CAN BE COMPLETELY TOGETHER AND FALL INTO THE ROLE OF VICTIM. WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE IT WAS A DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP THAT FOR SOME REASON (SUBJECT TO THE INDIVIDUAL) WAS NOT TERMINATED WITHIN FIFTEEN MINUTES OF THE FIRST SIGN OF DYSFUNCTION!...I'M BEING A BIT ANAL ABOUT THE 15 MINUTES, BUT YOU CATCH MY DRIFT. THAT IS WHAT NEEDS TO BE EXAMINED FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. THAT IS THE MAJOR WHY WE NEED TO BE ASKING... BUT TO GET TO THE MEAT OF YOUR QUESTION, LET'S GET PHILOSOPHICAL FOR A MOMENT...AND I'M NOT THAT GREAT, BUT I DABBLE IN THE ENDLESS QUESTIONING... IF WE HAVE TRULY ACCEPTED WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT NARCS...THEY LACK EMPATHY, COMPASSION, FEELINGS - THEY PROJECT THEIR NEGATIVITY AND ROB FROM US, THAT WHICH THEY FEEL THEY ARE LACKING FOR SUPPLY IN ORDER TO FEED THE FALSE SELF, THE IMAGE, THE EGO...FIGURATIVELY USE US AS THEIR MIRROR TO "REALIZE" A NEW AND IMPROVED SELF EACH TIME THEY GO ALONG - REMEMBER, THEY KEEP GOING AND GOING, AND LET ME ADD, I DON'T THINK IT'S OUT OF THE REALM IN THE MOST EXTREME CASES A NARC ACTUALLY THINKING HE COULD BE GREATER THAN GOD - THEN WE COULD ARGUE THAT THE NARC IS BASICALLY WALKING FLESH AND LITTLE ELSE. THEY ARE THE MASTERS OF DISGUISE, CHAMELIONS THEY CAN RE-INVENT THEMSELVES AT A DROP OF A DIME AND THIS IS WHAT THEY DO. AND THEY DO THIS WITH NO CONSCIOUS OR REGARD FOR THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS. AND ON THIS POINT, I AM CONFIDENT WE MUTUALLY AGREE THE HOWS AND THE WHY'S OF THAT HAVE BEEN DELETED FROM OUR SUBCONSCIOUS AND COGNITIVE MIND! NOW - YOU SAY YOU WERE NOT AN ILLUSION, WHAT YOU FELT WAS REAL ETC. THERE IS NO ARGUMENT THERE. THAT IS A FACT...YOU WERE NOT AN ILLUSION YOU WERE REAL, WHAT YOU GAVE WAS AUTHENTIC. I THINK WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH IS WHAT THEY CALL COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. ON SOME LEVEL, IT IS STILL HARD FOR YOU TO ACCEPT THE REALITY THAT EVERYTHING WE THOUGHT AND BELIEVED IN HUMANITY COULD BE SO DIABOLICALLY FLAWED. FOR ME, I WALKED AROUND THINKING YEA, BAD PEOPLE EXIST, BUT EVIL...THAT'S MYTH EVERYONE HAS GOODNESS IN THEM SOMEWHERE, SOME LESS THAN OTHERS...NOW, OUR ABILITY TO EMPATHIZE, SHOW COMPASSION, AND SYMPATHY ALLOWS US TO PUT OURSELVES IN THEIR SHOES...WE MAY KNOW THEY SUFFERED TRAUMA SOMEWHERE IN THEIR LIVES, OR KNOW THAT THEY CAME FROM AN OVERBEARING MOTHER, OR THEIR BRAIN IS MISSHAPEN, OR WHATEVER THEORY WE CHOOSE TO BELIEVE. YOU'VE READ SO YOU KNOW, THE THEORIES ABOUT NPD ARE ALL OVER THE MAP. THE THING IS, THAT DESPITE THIS NATURAL TENDENCY IN US TO EMPATHIZE AND FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THIS TERRIBLY FLAWED CREATURE, WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT - IT JUST IS. WE ARE POWERLESS. SO YES, OUR LOVE WAS REAL, WHAT WE FELT WAS REAL BUT FOR THE NARC, HE CAN'T FEEL. HE JUST CAN'T DO IT - FOR WHATEVER REASON. THAT NEEDS TO BE OWNED WITHIN OURSELVES BEFORE WE CAN BEGIN TO ADDRESS THE WHAT'S NEXT. IN A WAY, ITS ALMOST LIKE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE...WHEN IT COMES TO THE NARC, WE HAVE TO BECOME JUST AS COLD AND INDIFFERENT AND UNFEELING AS HE IS. WE NEED TO SNATCH BACK THE MIRROR AND REFLECT ALL THAT NEGATIVITY AND VOID! (THAT IS A GREAT WORD) BACK ONTO HIM IN ORDER TO GET HIM TO VANISH. THERE CANNOT BE AN OUNCE OF EMPATHY OR FOR AS LONG AS THERE IS, THE RISK WILL BE THERE THAT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, HE CAN WIGGLE HIS WAY BACK PHYSICALLY OR MENTALLY - BOTH OF WHICH ARE DETRIMENTAL TO US. You then said: This is the pain I'm trying to find some dialogue on to help ME move forward. I was angry because a perfectly wonderful day becomes shrouded with sadness and why???? I have done all the realizations, deletions of people, self examinations, I KNOW the why's what's and if's. But how do I have a normal day again? This is what I am saying. THE REALITY OF ALL OF THIS ALMOSTLIDIA,IS THAT I BELIEVE JUST LIKE THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE, THERE IS A GRIEVING PROCESS. YOU ARE GRIEVING ON MANY FRONTS. YOU ARE GRIEVING THE DEATH OF A RELATIONSHIP, THE DEATH OF A DREAM, THE DEATH OF AN ILLUSION THAT YOU THOUGHT WAS REALITY BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE WAS ABLE TO TAP INTO YOUR MIND. I CAN ONLY LIKEN THIS TO A REALLY SCARY SCI-FI MOVIE...THINK: MIND CONTROL/INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS...THAT IS WHY WE ARE LEFT SO TRAUMATIZED. IT MAY TAKE SOME TIME TO HAVE A 'NORMAL' DAY AGAIN. THIS IS WHERE YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. THERE IS NO ACCEPTABLE TIME FRAME - IT JUST IS. WHAT HAS HELPED ME, IS TO NOT PUT TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON MYSELF. I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT MY NEXT RELATIONSHIP...I AM BEING SELFISH AND KIND TO MYSELF AND FOCUSING ON ME. WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY, FINDING MYSELF AGAIN. ON A CERTAIN LEVEL, I ALLOWED MY IDENTITY TO GET INTERTWINED WITH THE ROLE HE EXPECTED ME TO PLAY. I WANTED TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. MAKING HIM HAPPY MADE ME HAPPY. AND I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH DOING FOR OTHERS IF IT BRINGS YOU HAPPINESS - BUT IT BECOMES A PROBLEM WHEN THERE IS NO RECIPROCITY. ITS ONLY HEALTHY WHEN YOU ARE DOING THINGS FOR EACHOTHER TO MAKE EACHOTHER HAPPY, AS WELL AS DOING FOR YOURSELF. KNOWING AND EXERCISING YOUR RIGHTS TO BOUNDARIES WHEN THE NEED ARISES, WITHOUT FEARING 'PUNISHMENT' IE, PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR FROM THE NARC. SEE, UNDERNEATH OUR NOSES, THEY WERE TRAINING US HOW TO SERVE THEM - AND WE DID NOT CATCH IT BECAUSE IT WAS SO SUBTLE. I FOR ONE AT LEAST FROM WHAT MY FRIENDS TELL ME AM NO PUSHOVER - SO THIS IS EXTRA SHOCKING TO THE SYSTEM. I SUSPECT YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT. I THINK THAT WITH THIS PROCESS, YOU CAN'T REALLY FOCUS ON THE 'NORMAL DAY' DEADLINE. I THINK THE BEST APPROACH IS TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME...BABY STEPS. EARLY ON, KNOWING I WASN'T SO OUT OF SYNC I COULD BATHE AND CHANGE MY CLOTHES AND NOT JUST SIT THERE CATATONIC WAS GOOD ENOUGH. I GRADUATED TO WALKING TWO BLOCKS TO GET MY COFFEE EVERY DAY...I'VE GRADUATED TO DOING MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY. AS EACH DAY PASSES BY THAT YOU DO MORE FOR YOURSELF, YOU BEGIN TO OWN MORE OF YOURSELF, AND THE NARC HAS LESS POWER IN YOUR MIND. THE THING IS, HE'S ALREADY OFF WHISTLING DIXIE. THE REALITY IS AT THIS POINT, HE ONLY EXISTS IN OUR MIND. AT THIS MOMENT, HE'S OFF SOMEWHERE IN A NEWLY CREATED LIFE. YOU SAID YOU HAVE NINE MONTHS UNDER YOUR BELT...SHOOT! HE MAY HAVE RE-CREATED SEVERAL LIVES IN THAT TIME FRAME. These 'weaknesses' were vulnerabilities that a decent person does not exploit but a wolf in 'grandma's' clothing does. We have weak moments just because we are human. They are the soft spots of humanity, not weaknesses. ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, THEY ARE NOT WEAKNESSES, BUT TO A NARC...IT'S THE INGREDIENTS THEY CRAVE TO EXPLOIT - SO THEY ARE WEAKNESSES WHEN YOU ARE DEALING WITH A NARC. WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT DECENT PEOPLE WHEN WE ARE DEALING WITH A NARC - YES WE ARE HUMAN, BUT WE NEED TO WORK ON BEING WISER AS TO WHOM WE CAN TRUST TO EXPOSE THESE VERY HUMAN VULNERABILITIES. FOR ME, I HAVE TO DRAG MY THINKING TO THE EXTREME AND MAKE THE NARC IN MY MIND SUBHUMAN IN ORDER TO GET AROUND THIS AND USE CAUTION WHILE IN RECOVERY WHEN IT COMES TO EMOTIONALLY DEALING WITH THE NARC ISSUES. FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW EXTREME MY THINKING IS WHEN IT COMES TO HIM, BECAUSE THE GOAL IS TO KILL HIM IN MY MIND. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I EVER MOVE CENTER BECAUSE HE'S DONE IRREVERSIBLE HARM TO MY PSYCHE - SO THERE WILL BE NO TURNING BACK...THE NC IS FOR LIFE, AND HE MUST CEASE TO EXIST MENTALLY. THERE ARE NO 'GOOD MEMORIES' BECAUSE THEY WERE SELF CREATED. HE WAS NOT EMOTIONALLY INVESTED SO HE WAS NOT REALLY A PART OF THEM. DID YOU OWN A TEDDY BEAR AS A CHILD? TOOK IT EVERYWHERE WITH YOU? IT SPENT SPECIAL TIMES WITH YOU? TRAVELED WITH YOU? BROUGHT YOU COMFORT? LETS PRETEND YOU DID...WELL LOOKING BACK, YOUR FEELINGS WERE REAL WERE THEY NOT? YOU LOVED THAT TEDDY AT THE TIME RIGHT? TEN YEARS DOWN THE ROAD, WHEN YOU WERE OLDER...DO YOU THINK THAT THE GOOD TIMES AND LOVE FROM YOUR TEDDY WERE REAL?...NO, IT WAS WHERE YOU WERE AT DURING THAT STAGE OF YOUR LIFE...GETTING OLDER, YOU CAN ACCEPT WHAT THE TRUTH WAS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE TEDDY...SAME THING WITH NARC... Would you tell a war hero exposed to brainwashing techniques while held hostage that he needed to work on his weaknesses when he was finally free? CAN'T COMPARE WAR HERO TO THIS KIND OF BRAINWASHING. THE WAR HERO KNOWS HE'S IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DO HIM HARM, THERE IS NO DECEPTION, THERE ARE NO MASKS, HIS EYES ARE WIDE OPEN, HE SEES AND KNOWS THE EVIL AND CAN TELL WHAT DIRECTION IT'S COMING FROM. WE GOT HOODWINKED BECAUSE OF OUR LEVEL OF TRUSTING BEFORE IT COULD BE EARNED. WE WERE VICTIMIZED BECAUSE WE CONSCIOUSLY OR SUBCONSCIOUSLY DISMISSED THE FLAGS AND BANKED ON POTENTIAL, OR HOPE THAT THOSE "LITTLE" THINGS THAT LEFT US UNSETTLED WOULD CHANGE. THE NARC DID NOT JUST WAKE UP ONE DAY AND TURN INTO A NARC...HE WAS ALWAYS A NARC, WE EITHER IGNORED OR WERE TOO NAIVE TO SEE THE SIGNS. I am done with the exN. But the emptiness of all that love that was real and the concern about ever being able to even look another man in the eye, seriously, without being scared to death is what I want to talk about. This is the help I was talking about that I need. THE EMPTINESS YOU FEEL IS THE FALLOUT OF THE NARC PROJECTING HIS EMPTINESS ONTO YOU. PERHAPS THE EMPTINESS EXISTED BEFORE THE NARC AND IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO THE LIGHT AS A RESULT OF THIS EXPERIENCE. REGARDLESS, ONLY WE CAN FILL THAT VOID, NO ONE ELSE. TO LOOK TO ANOTHER TO FILL A VOID THAT EXISTS WITHIN OURSELVES IS ONLY ASKING FOR THIS EXPERIENCE TO REPEAT ITSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN, UNTIL WE FILL THE VOID. ONCE THE VOID IS FILLED, I THINK WE'D BE IN A STRONGER, HEALTHIER POSITION TO CONFIDENTLY AND ASSERTIVELY REFUSE TO BE TREATED OR SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT WE'RE WORTH. THE BEST TOOL THE NARC HAD WAS TO FEED OUR WEAK EGOS WITH EVERYTHING WE WANTED TO HEAR, THAT ON SOME LEVEL GAVE US THE FALSE ILLUSION OF WHOLENESS...THAT ILLUSION, WE HAVE TO ROLL OUR SLEEVES UP, GET DIRTY AND DO THE WORK TO MAKE THAT A REALITY. WHATEVER THE NARC LEFT US WITH...GOOD OR BAD - BECAUSE IT WAS AN ILLUSION, WE HAD THOSE THINGS ALL ALONG. WE NOW HAVE TO STRIVE TO GET HOUSE/SELF BACK IN ORDER. ALL OF HUMANITY IS NOT DAMMED - BUT UNLESS WE BECOME THE BEST WE CAN BE, WE WILL CONTINUE TO ATTRACT THAT IN WHICH WE ARE. THEY SAY "WATER SEEPS IT'S OWN LEVEL" I CRINGE WHEN I THINK OF IT, BUT I LOOK AT THIS EXPERIENCE AS A FORM OF DIVINE INTERVENTION WHERE THE UNIVERSE HAS SAID: OKAY, I'VE BEEN EASY ON YOU AND GIVEN YOU LOTS OF CLUES, BUT YOU'VE BEEN IN THE LAND OF NOD...WAKE UP AND GET TO WORK BECAUSE YOU LADY ARE NOT REACHING YOUR FULLEST POTENTIAL...OUCH! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THINGS ARE MOVING. MOST IMPORTANT THING...PRACTICE GRATITUDE ON A DAILY BASIS. IT FORCES YOU TO APPRECIATE ALL YOU DO HAVE INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU DON'T...LITTLE BY LITTLE IN MY DOING THIS, I AM FEELING MORE AND MORE FILLED WITH POSITIVE THINGS, AND REALIZING, HE DID NOT TAKE A DAMN THING FROM ME. Kick it back to me Almostlydia...and really, fall in love with yourself - it's okay. Hugs!

#7 Oct 5 - 12AM (Reply to #31)

almostlydia

Michele

Oh, girl, you can not write in all caps again. It almost blinded me:) I appreciate all that you are saying, I understand it, I do. The bottomline is not that I don't get these things, believe me girl, I have read everything and moreso, I have spent endless days, months just thinking, thinking, thinking. I have seen the lack of boundaries in me that have allowed numerous people around me to take my kindness for a weakness. I have also seen where it comes from and exactly how it works. I am aware. And the problem is not that I don't love myself, I do. There is no problem there except that it is not enough. For those of us who have to start over at this age, at least in my mind, it is much much different than starting over at 40 or even 45. Look at your dating sites, which i hate, but know that the cut off is often 47??? or around there. It is not that though, it is much more than that only complicated by that. I can not even begin to think that I would know the issues someone 60 yrs old would face until I am 60 but I can guarantee that it is much different from the same perspective a 40 yr old has. However, the overall simple message is : How does one go from the deepest love in their life to being unable to trust another man to even consider letting someone else in their life. This is a very real problem that I would like to explore with the smart women here. How do we do it? It is the dialogue of support I am looking for. I know we all have to find it for ourselves but we can help each other. This is the next level after NC is accomplished, and we are trying to move on. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, it has new issues connected to it the older you get. And I really don't know how to deal with this. I don't want the exN back but I do want to find out how to move toward having someone else. These are important questions that I want to talk about. I'm done with being told it isn't my fault (because it isn't) but then being told it is because of some weakness in me. Bullshit. For me that has all been addressed. And this is what needs to be addressed now not only for me but for all of you as well. How do you trust again? How do you have good days without these clouds of emptiness. almostlydia

almostlydia

#8 Oct 5 - 12AM (Reply to #32)

michele115 (not verified)

Almostlydia/TRUST

How do you trust again? I think that just like making the choice to love is a decision you make...deciding when it's time to trust is also a decision. Both carry risks it's the chance you take. I think the hesitance comes from not trusting ourselves not to make the same mistake again. We don't ever want to feel this again...but what is life without taking risks? Everything is a risk. I think somehow, again with time and healing...I think the healing part is what causes the conflict - but I have to remain optimistic that with time we will heal, and we will be ready to take chances again. On a wider scale, everything we do takes a certain amount of risk. When I walk out my building I assume all will be well. I can wrap myself up in caution and drive myself mad; however, even with the best precautions, I could do everything in my "power"...look all around me to avoid a mugger, look both ways at least five times before crossing the street...but on my way outside, before I even hit the curb to cross the street - a brick could fall on my head. What are my choices? I think the key is getting to the point of trusting ourselves again - then I think we can extend it to others. That's just my two cents...putting up too many walls will just lead to isolation and become the buzz word on this board..."A self fulfilling prophecy"

#9 Oct 5 - 1AM (Reply to #33)

NancyM

michele115

Great posts, love the way you explain things.

Nevergoback

#10 Oct 4 - 9AM

onwithmylife

One heck of a posting you wrote!

Hi Michele, that is some article you wrote and you touched on what i have been thinking of myself in all of this decade plus with this madman, my own issues of self esteem and I know it is not healthy. Strange, but one day years ago we were walking hand in hand and he said "here we are two losers" out of the blue and i pipped up, " I am not a loser" but in essense by putting up with all his abuse, everything buy physical, I subconsciencely thought of myself as a loser other I would have said goodby way before he discarded me.So what if he sent me a hateful letter, what I need to reinforce in my mind, it is all his problem, because a decent guy would never have resorted to that and as well said ,indifference, not hate is the opposite of love. Write back to me if you can, what like your feelings on what i wrote, thanks.

#11 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

michele115 (not verified)

Onwithmylife

Thank you so much for the compliment, more than that, I'm glad it helped. It really is difficult to get over the shattering experience of realizing that time, energy, effort and love was given on something that did not exist. To keep things in perspective though, I think it's important not to be too hard on ourselves, but take the experience as an opportunity to grow. Evil exists, and I think that for most of us, in fact all of us, by the mere fact that we are hurting so deeply - it shows that we truly were invested with the best of intentions; however, life for whatever reason throws us curve balls. You sound like you're dealing with things as they come, and it is a process...I'm beginning to hate that word;) But, nonetheless, we have to keep uppermost in our minds in fact make a promise to ourselves that we will make ourselves the first priority and be honest with ourselves about what we truly want. For me, at times I would get the feeling that I was settling but saw the "potential"...when I think about that thought, I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that on a certain level, I had just as much a role to play because I made the decision to work with potential rather than what was actual or realized. In this respect, the NARC was not misrepresenting, I chose to deal with potential and place my chits on "hope". While there is a place for "hope" when you notice a pattern the responsibility is on ourselves to decide whether or not to continue despite that which is apparent. There are many valuable lessons in this experience I think we can all learn from once we get over the hurdle of dealing with the immense pain. What has helped for me is to really take stock of the situation and part of focusing on ME, is examining the role I played in allowing this to happen. Things do not drag on and on without our permission. A hard pill to swallow, but like most horse pills, they're generally "good for your health"...LOL Those are my thoughts for the moment... Once again, thank you for your kind words. I wish you the best on your journey. All is not lost - I believe with ever fiber in my being, with the support on this board and a continued commitment to ourselves, we will find the happiness we deserve with or without a significant partner. I believe that we attract that which is inside us. If we gut out the clutter we will attract less chaos. Moreover, we are definitely wiser - that is a good thing. Hugs.

#12 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #27)

onwithmylife

Michele, onwith my life- AGAIN!

I found your words so inspiring for meHOPE and Love kept me going around in a merry o round for 15 years of my life. and not knowing when to GET OUT. Your right though people do enter our lives for reasons and this man, who I now know is desperate and depraived, will find his karma. Would you do me a big favor and find my posting that says" letter received from my EXN", onwithmylife, it is fairly recent like last Friday and tell me what you think of the man.Would greatly appreciate and then do a posting with my name on it so I will be sure to see it....Hugs to you as well.

#13 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #26)

onwithmylife

Michele, onwith my life- AGAIN!

#14 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #25)

onwithmylife

Michele, onwith my life- AGAIN!

#15 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #24)

onwithmylife

Michele, onwith my life- AGAIN!

#16 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #23)

onwithmylife

Michele, onwith my life- AGAIN!

#17 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #22)

onwithmylife

Michele, onwith my life- AGAIN!

#18 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #21)

onwithmylife

Michele, onwith my life- AGAIN!

#19 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #20)

onwithmylife

Michele, onwith my life- AGAIN!

#20 Oct 4 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

onwithmylife

Michele, onwith my life- AGAIN!

#21 Oct 4 - 9AM (Reply to #15)

Used

on withmylife

after telling him one day...to go away you loser...he said your are the loser.... i thought he ment cos i would lose him....i should be so lucky.lol.... but anothet take on that would be, i suppose cos he is a loser and knows it...the fact i was friends with him puts me as a loser as well because i know i am not.. i can live with that remark ..but i choosy who i see...i know i know.... he knew this and was proud of the fact i was selective..wow.... but on thinking about this he said someone had said to him one day..she[me] is not very freindly and he said to them she its b/c she is selective... but finished that sentance by saying to me and yet your are freinds with me....at the time i took no notice...after reading what you wrote its made me think... i always knew i was to good for him... i just didnt relize he knew it as well.... but hey...his putdowns of me should have told me that..

#22 Oct 4 - 9AM (Reply to #16)

onwithmylife

used

this guy knew within himself that he IS a Loser, other wise why say it and then he thought of me as a loser for being with him.

#23 Oct 4 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

Used

onwithmylife

i so agree.. he knew he was a loser..ere go you must be... narc even said to me once i know people think i am a scumbag and a loser.... but i was a good person once... i said no you wernt i know your history...you were never a good person.... i have a history realy of hanging out and only knowing scum bags.... i have now addressed all those things i hope.... due to childhood influences i never thought i was good enough....and thats all i deserved...chaos and destruction and abuse... i am glad i know diffrent now.... i am also glad i am out of the game for good.

#24 Oct 4 - 8AM

sunflowergrl70

I discarded him

I guess I am fortunate to have been the one to walk away before he ended up discarding me like a used tissue. I knew on a visceral level that he was just keeping me around until he either got a new source of "supply" or until he didn't have a use for me in his life. I kept up a huge wall to keep him from totally engulfing me. I didn't jump in and do things for him and I never gave him a huge amount of verbal recognition. I knew if I gave in and really let my guard down he would have destroyed me. I gave just enough to keep him from verbally bashing me like I witnessed him doing with his mother, ex wife and even his kids. If his family used the adoring language that he so craved he would be so callous and disrespectful to them!! I told him straight out that I would not tolerate him taking that annoyed "holier than thou" tone with me. That seemed to keep him at bay, but wow how exhausting it was to have to puff myself up like a cat and hiss to avoid his sharp tongue!!! The end of my relationship was no less painful. I left because I knew that I could not keep putting up boundaries for him and constantly being on guard. We would never be able to be married and live as an equal partnership. After two years of being engaged and not so much as a wedding date planned I realized this. So I had to walk away with the Narc still wanting me. He's the "scorned" one so of course everyone thinks I'm the bad guy! He can be hang dog all he wants to. I got away with what's left of my sanity and my youth. Now I just have to be able to find someone that I can give my heart to.

#25 Oct 4 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

terri

Sunflowergirl

Wow! What you wrote in your post sounds EXACTLY like my experience. Sadly for me though, I'm not walking away while still youthful, and I gave him almost a decade of very good years. I think that's the most difficult part of walking away - the unlikelihood of finding a good man to have as a life partner at my age (early 50s). But reading your post just affirmed my decision to leave. Even by reading Michelle's post has completely validated my experience with the narc - which I think is a monumental reason we are all on this board. NO ONE gets the pain of this type of relationship. I wonder all the time about why I stayed in such a difficult relationship with someone that I doubted constantly. It's impossible to explain to anyone because I don't even understand it. But everything you wrote has helped me tie up some emotional loose ends today that desperately needed tying up! So I thank you for that.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#26 Oct 4 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

sunflowergrl70

Glad I could help

I'm 40 and my "Evil Genious" is 51. We started dating when I was 36 and a year out of a divorce. I am an RN and I have a house and four kids. He used my single mom status to use against me. He's a doctor and makes 3x what I make and would use that against me. He stated he couldn't marry me because that would just be "jumping in like a rescuer and fixing my problems". Yeah right!!! He's the one that liquidated his pension to buy a freakin trailer park! I put 19% away in my pension and have my stuff together. He even told me that because he makes more money in the relationship that it's up to me to be "submissive" to him. So I was supposed to live in relationship limbo for years on end! We were engaged for two years with NO wedding date planned.

#27 Oct 4 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

terri

sunflowergirl

Yes, I'm a single mother too. I've made a decent living but stayed in our family house that I probably really can't afford. It was important to me to keep the kids in their home and worth the struggle. The exN on the other hand (as with yours) makes an excellent living and has just sat by and watched me struggle. He has offered a little here and there but not in the way a real man should for a woman he truly loves. I have to say, that has been a thorn in my side all along. I just kept waiting for him to show at least a little concern about our well-being. He was alwasy more concerned about his own. He has never said outright that he didn't want to marry me for financial reasons but I now see it...as everyone else does. I too was engaged for over 2 years, never having set a date or made any attempt to really plan a wedding. In fact, that was finally what made me walk out. Enough was enough. And he now tries to use his relationship with my youngest (my son) to hoover me. I've been very careful and protective about this and not allowed it to happen. But be careful with your kids - it's bad enough that they destroy us. I ABSOLUTELY won't allow him to hurt my children.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#28 Oct 4 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

sunflowergrl70

Once it was too late he was begging to get married.

He literally got on bended knee with the engagement ring that I gave back to him. I told him that the whole thing was a lie and that I was not going to be engaged to someone for the sake of a title. He wanted a ring on my finger to keep the guys away, yet he still wanted me in my home so he wouldn't have to share living space. He is incapable of sharing. Period. I too stuggled and he didn't have a CLUE. He would make an offer or say he didn't want to see me struggle, but he never made a move to blend our lives. It would have been easier and effortless if we got married. My house would have been a great rental for someone and we could have lived in his home. I'm a great homemaker and it would have been EASIER on him. He was just too selfish to share.

#29 Oct 4 - 1PM (Reply to #13)

terri

About sharing...

I'm constantly haunted by a conversation I had in the first year of my relationship with the N - a conversation with his own sister! He had just broken up with me for the first time and I was devastated. It came out of nowhere and I had no clue what had just happened to me. Desperate for answers and even the tiniest bit of enlightenment, I called his sister (who I really didn't know very well) who lives in a different state. My exN seemed closest to her than anyone else in his life - in fact it has proven to be a very strange relationship. He DESPERATELY needs her approval of him. She told me things that at the time seemed odd but I had no way of knowing how significant they were and that she was really trying (perhaps unintentionally) to warn me to run as fast as I could away from him. Her words were - "even when we were kids, he wouldn't share his toys with us" and "I love (exN) because he's my brother but I could never live with him". They (his family) are all aware of the emotional, verbal, and physical abuse he suffered as a young boy/teen at the hands of his father and they all understand that the abuse left its mark but I doubt they have a complete understanding of his extreme abusiveness in a close romantic relationship. They just know that he has had NO SUCCESSFUL relationships with women (other than his sister). I'm actually the longest-lasting relationship he's ever had and I think they were all really hoping that he had changed and that this would work out. I would bet that we can all remember those warnings from early on in our N relationships that we just didn't understand or perhaps believe.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#30 Oct 4 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

sunflowergrl70

Glad I could help

#31 Oct 4 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

sunflowergrl70

Glad I could help

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews