Recipient of N Abuse at Over 50 vs. Under 50 - Outcome

I'm well over 50 and my 8 year N experience has hit me hard, just like everyone else. I'm retired and a grandmother of a 4-year old and have grown kids. I'm working on a couple of other 2nd careers and have yet to learn how to enjoy life in terms of taking it easy, traveling and living stress free.

My assessment is that I've been with 3 N's; the first at age 18 which set the stage, the next at age 30 and the last knuckelhead which occurred in my 50's and was by far the worst due to his high intelligence. Inbetween were a few non-PD's or general assholes.

The reality is that upto my 50's, there was still a realistic hope of finding a healthy partner but now, I know the odds are diminished due to male attritian and people just not wanting to deal with another relationship in later life. I'm past the babymaking stage and my version of the American dream in no way resembles what it did in the past. I'm trying to get rid of possessions, not accumulate them.

I know I will recover but at this age, I doubt there will be a rebounder or someone else. Nobody looks appealing. I'm not ruling it out but, I'm realistic of where I am in life. In the past, I would go out dancing or to a club instead of staying home but not now. "Social" at 50+ does not look like social at 20-50 and yes, I'm aware of the senior dances; no thanks, LOL.

I do not need a "man" to be happy but, it would be nice to have a partner. For me, the grieveing is not only the loss of the N elusion but also the loss of a big part of my life. I just haven't gotten it right in terms of relationships.

As the clouds lift, I'm realizing there is so much more to life than a partner and I'd much rather be alone than with a psycho. I'm just really sad that this nightmare happened so late in life. I am, however, grateful that I continue to move forward and feel I'm finally finding myself.

I know anything is possible; it's all about our thinking. The biggest lesson for me has been learning that nobody but me is responsible for my happiness. To hold another responsible is abusive to them. Am I saying I abused N?...in that sense yes. I blamed him for my suffering but, I had everything to do with it too because I ignored the red flags and was very attached to my agenda.

In conclusion, I know there is no difference in suffering, in terms of age, from N abuse. But my thinking about life is nothing like it was when I was younger. I'm very aware of my own mortality and therefore, I try to live fully in each precious minute of each day. Being with N's results in losing so many precious months and years, with little or no rewards because none of it is real. It's like time spent in orbit at the hands of satin.

And so it is.