Really struggling today

Ive had to come here and post as I am really struggling today, I know i am doing a lot better and things are calming down but its a constant battle and i feel like im drowning and slipping back.

Since finding this site ive been doing the limited contact with the help and support from everyone, as when i joined i didnt even know what limited contact was, it took a few months but i changed my mobile number and was just communicating with j il call him thru emails about our son. He was livid that i was getting stronger and sent me some quite threatening emails and then took my son and wouldnt give him back, which was absolutely horrible.
Long story short i went through court and got a prohibited steps order, and then tomo i will be hoping to get a residence order so my little man lives with me full time.

When i went to court, the judge was awful and really intimidated me to be honest and when i left i felt like rubbish she said i was being childish and uncooperative not responding to J about his son, but u can imagine all the circular aguements, projection and balming he was doing and i really wasnt moving on, so i had to just ignore him only about visitation.

Anyway since we went to court last time, ive felt really paranoid and worried he will use this against me again, so i have been engaging in conversation with him about our little boy. Which comes with all the rubbish again... it is impossible to reason with him. Then he introduced his girlfriend to our son, which he promised me from the begining he would wait, i did react and he screamed he can do what the f@CK HE WANTS! so ive kind of had to accept this as it is out of my control isnt it.

I just feel kind of stuck, as soon as i speak to him about anything he wants to no, he is back devaluing me again. On sunday it was my daughters birthday party and J came to collect our son and asked if he could come in and see her and wish her happy birthday, I couldnt really say no as she was stood near the hall way and was pretty excited to see him and let him in, next thing she is showing him her presents and her cake and he is walking round our flat as if everything is fine and dandy, once he left i felt a bit sick but thought well its my daughters birthday so just gonna have to let it go. J asked what time he should drop him off after and started to go one and even called me his girlfriends name!!! Any way i just let it go, and he took my son off to his house.

Later on that day i was with my mum dropping all my daughters friends off and J rang my mums phone and asked if she could collect him when we were on our way back, she said yeah as it wasnt like a normal sunday usually he just drops him off. Anyway i got to his house and stood out side, and knocked on the door, the curtains were drawn, i could see her car parked out side but i thought ive just got to be strong here, deep breathe. He came to the door with my little man and i gave my boy a big hug, the next thing he took hold of my boy and slammed the door in my face, it was so horrible and rude, after 2 minutes he opened it and said heres his stuff, and literally just chucked it at me! I couldnt beleive it, from him being all nicey nicey earlier when coming to collect my boy and speaking to my daughter and coming into our house. I no, i no i shudnt expect him to keep up being nice, he was obviously being like that as his girlfriend was inside the house? I dont no but it made me feel so horrible.

So this is where ive reacted, i sent him a email and said 'how come u were so rude when i picked our boy up?' he replied SORRY but nothing else.... then i ended up replying saying i dont understand you was fine today when you came to pick our boy up, but obviously nothing back, im obviously getting the silent treatmeant arent i. Why am i allowing myself to be going back into these games again??? its like im slowly slipping back into trying to reason with him, what is wrong with me! Then tomorrow ive got to face him in court which is making me feel sick coz i just dont no what he is going to say to make me look like a bad person, and belive me he seems to win people over like he did in the court room last time.

Then on top of that his mother emailed me, to ask if she could see her grandson, and said could she please have my number coz she doesnt feel comfortable going round to see him at J's house, so i gave her my bludy number and she is coming round on thursday she is as toxic as him but I didnt no how to get out of it. Feel like ive gone backwards with all this an its making me feel horrible and down today, im sorry for posting such a long post but i need to get this out and have a vent as i have no one who understands, everyone i know says u have to talk to him, hes your boys dad but its really not getting me anywhere!

Thank for listening i hope i havent bored u all, i need to get a grip and stop allowing myself to get sucked in dont i, and i had that dream aswell which has made me feel worse, I no my life is not bad, it is good, i am very lucky to have my beautiful babies and everything i have got so why am i asking to be brought back down engaging with this man!!

xxxxx

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